RP #1 – Malcolm X
Whoever said prison wasn’t a blessing for Malcolm X should rethink that. This man fought for peace, fought for racial justice, and he learned more in prison than he did from fighting. In prison, he discovered the power of words that he never would have known had he skipped that prison era in his life. It all started with a dictionary; it seems insane, but a dictionary led Malcolm X to a love of reading. I started reading when I was three, and I couldn’t imagine waiting any longer to begin my obsession with books. Like Malcolm X found out, reading opens a completely different world, one in which you can escape to when life becomes too intense. Malcolm X even said that he forgot about being imprisoned whenever he had a series of words to drag his eyes across. There have been many occasions in my life where I just wanted to close my eyes and disappear for a bit. I couldn’t do that, though, so I turned to reading and everything in my life seemed well again. If Malcolm X were alive, I’d let him known that I share his belief in the power of reading.
|there... i dun know how but i somehow felt that he and my bro knows bout my other blog. uhuh to prevent anything to leak out to my bro... i guess i'll be abandoning this blog as well. for temporary i guess. the others are soon to be changed.|
i went out with him yesterday. yes i had a great day. somehow, he always managed to cheer me up. but sometimes... what he feels and thinks will bring me down. nah he didnt say them out. i can feel it.
now. why didnt i let him? first. its in the cinema and... there are people you know? and... i gotto just admit i dont feel comfortable there. not the seats. not him. just... uncomfortable with the place if he's gonna take action. thats all. what action? heheh he knows, i knows. and i'll like it that way.
second. i... guess im just not ready yet? something's just pulling me back. my self-control? maybe. i have heck lotsa it man. and i dont know... each time he was about to touch me, i can't help but to replay my mom's warning. yeah she warn me pretty much nowadays. cause, she's been a teen once. and yeah she knew i was going out on a date with him. so... i just pulled back.
third. wait. there aint no third.
i know i promised. i wouldnt wanna break it as well. and no doubt i like it. i've even asked myself is it too early. heh. still no answer.
what am i to do? i know i avoided it. i know i ignored it. i know. but i just dunno how to tell. that time. how am i to tell?? i dun even know how to start. yeah i disappointed him. no doubt about that. but what can i do? heh. no idea.
is it too early? i... dunno.
and one thing is... not all guys can be trusted. i dont know about him. i cant say i know him pretty well. heheh there are girls who said that and ended up crying. so like my mom say, pull back a little altho you really do like him. precaution is better den cure. and like he said, better safe than sorry.
so now... you know why i pulled back? too many things in my mind i dont know where to start.
it might be another excuse but... its up to you to believe it or not. im a girl. any disadvantage its gonna be me. how can i not take any precaution?!
sigh... i love him alot. i really do. just that... there are times i gotto stay firm and be a little selfish.
and there are times where... i really gotto let you down dear. i've got no choice.
sry i implied too much. i really dont know how to start. but dear... i really enjoyed the day.
i... dunno what to do or say anymore. when i say what i wanna say, ask what i wanna ask, shit happens. why is everything so wrong? why?! its hard you know that? to be my true self. to do what i wanna do without affecting others. its so god damn hard.
see... i asked. and d'oh i get an unexpected answer. but when i end the whole convo coldly... because i dont want that topic to continue... as i know i'll be thinking alot and im afraid i cant control myself but to break down... he says i imply. girls imply. but dont he himself realized that... he IS implying at the same time? he aint saying anything. and dont deny it. you DO imply alot too. just that... you dont realized that. accept the fact.
i know im changing. in fact, i changed ALOT. i became more depressed which i dont last time. i became quieter which im alot noisier last time. i... dunno. i just changed. from a happy easy-go-lucky girl into some shit i dont even recognize. i want so badly to bring my old self again into life. life is so much brighter and funnier. and i was more carefree than now. what happened to me? my oh my... who or what changed me? im pretty quite sure its not SPM as... in the matter of fact, they never did affect me at all. emotionally or physically. its just that... something IS bothering me. and i... dont know what it is. how... great.
taylor swift songs had once affect me alot. especially Teardrops on My Guitar. i love that song. play it and i can sing the whole damn song for you. and now... I.N.G.'s song is beginning to affect me too. i dunno. i just love all of their songs. they rox man.
now... wanna know what im jealous of? you sing to others but never ever to me. maybe you're scared of embarrassing yourself but im sure you will feel the same if i do that, right? you allow others to take your pic but not me. yeah you said its weird. weirder with your phone. maybe it is. i dont know. lets skip this. another thing... you... in some way, never allows me into your world. you block me out too, sometimes. but i never complain. and i never shed a word about it. cause... it definitely hurts but... i still care alot for you. i let myself get hurt. but im even hurt to see you hurt. or sad. or unhappy. get it?
and sometimes, i have the feeling im bringing all those stupid misery to you. i felt as though... im a burden to you. get it? thats why sometimes i would waste my time thinking am i the one for you. or is she a better girl you deserve. i know its wrong. but you cant deny you still like her. and that... hurts >.< you do know the feeling when a person you love, likes another person dont you? this just sucks. maybe im a bad girlfriend. maybe... im just not ready to accept the fact. cause sometimes facts hurts. alot. ouchies...
you dont commit. that is one i cant say i dont mind. of course i mind. damn you are a person i love alot. how can i not mind when you sometimes dont even bother come finding for me?!?!
i... dunno. i guess i just expect too much. hope too much. and fell too hard. im numb now. seriously. and... guess im too selfish. sorry.
know what's funny? i know its nothing. i know its something normal. or maybe not. who cares. i just kept telling myself nothing is wrong. but what does that brings me to? jealousy again. damnit i really hate that feeling ya know? i dont know what to think anymore. i dont know what to feel anymore. im just clueless...
i know i shouldnt be. i know it perfectly clear... is that a girlfriend syndrom?? heck i seriously hate it. i just want back my normal life... with NO jealousy around ANY corner.
he thinks im fine now. they thinks the same way as he does too. honestly, im just too good at hiding things. i just dont want anybody to worry about me for now. its SPM man... c'mon.. concentrate on the book. not me.
but at the same time i want some attention too... not anybody. but from the person whom i really care for. what should i do? i dont wanna pull his mood further down. he's had enough. aih... im all back to clueless again... im back at one...
i talked to my godbrother about it. he told me to tell him. and how am i gonna do that?!?! no thankz... i want NO more disasters... but i did plan to clear things off with him after spm. and guess what? im kinda having the feeling that our relationship will not last for long. dont ask me why. thats just my another senses. my love for him is going stronger. i guess thats why im feeling so god damn busted.
he wrote... he might.. correction.. he would have run away from anything without telling anybody if he could right now. you know what??? that sentence really caught me. its like... ouchies... it hurts a lot. it has something to do with me. definitely.
now i'm starting to wonder... did i bring those miserable feelings to him? did i made him feel so fucked? i dont know. i dont know anymore. i guess i cared too much.
lets just see how things work out when i talk to him about that after the spm. if things have to get from bad to worst... i'll just deal with it. its life. there's nth i can do. just... as long as he's happy... im fine.
i still thinks its silly of me getting jealous. you see... she was calling me. we were talking. thats when she received a message from him. and that... is when i started to get all jealous again. wth? cant you just stop playing that in my heart?!?! i guess im just sad knowing he didnt message me. its no big deal of course... but i just cant control. him... msg her for no particular reason. thats what she said. gosh... how i wish i dont know anything at all. it just hurts a lot. so pain... i couldnt take it anymore. its not just that jealousy stuff...
too many things running in and out of my head. if im not mistaken... he still likes her. and thats enough to bother me.
i did talk to my godsister about it. she said... if a guy cant give you all his heart... he's not worth it for me. she said i dont deserve him. i deserved a better man. but... i really do love him you know? letting go of a person you DONT wanna let go is extremely hard. but i guess... if letting go will make him happy... i'll probably will...
im starting to think that she's a better girl for him too you know? that im not the one for him. since he's feeling all depressed and stuff even when he's with me. i can still see the awkwardness we had. the kinda feeling i cant describe. i can also sometimes feel the coldness in him towards me. damn. this is bad.
what else? alot more to go. this is gonna be one freaking long post. so guess i'll shorten it however i can.
i kinda dislike the moment when he tries to avoid my questions. i mean... who doesnt right? but he... does it frequently. and i mean... FREQUENTLY. its like... he doesnt wanna tell me anything at all. besides general stuff where he tells everyone, nope. not at all. but know whats funny? he expects me to tell him everything. yeah i do that too actually. but cant u see im trying to change? im trying to open up and now... u're treating me like this?? gosh.
like he said, even i would love to walk away from everything and leave this whole damn place screwed. how i wish i can. man... i just want to live my life in peace and happy. i just want everyone around me happy. is that too much to ask?? i think i just cared too much for other people. but that makes me ME. i cant change that. so i'll just have to suffer the consequences huh?
thats the problem with most of the guys i know. they love to imply. tho they hate people implying. they expects people to read their mind. when they know we cant. i just hate mind-guessing games. cause... when we CAN read their mind... they hate us for that. how stupid can it be more?!?! they.... practically just wants face. they wont say everything out. they wont tell everything out. omg. whats the problem with you people?!?! is it so hard to say it out??? why must you make us guess? sheesh...
therefore, there are some great guys i know. for instances my godbrother. no im not into him. he's just a great guy. at least he is to me. im not in love with him or anything... its just that... he's one decent guy i've met.
hmm.. i guess i'll stop here. i'll get more emo if i were to write more. i just... am totally confused.
and when i thought i could hide away from him... his phone suddenly works. as in... no more expired.
when he missed called me, two feelings jumbled up inside of me. happy and worried. happy because he miss called. worried because... im afraid i would not be able to stand to whatever i'm doing now. i really really do care for him. only if he knew. its just that... i dont know. im probably hurting both of us right now. dont even know what am i doing now. i.. seriously have no idea. i cant see anything now. not a single light to lead me out from this darkness.
he smsed. and i guess... i sounded a little too harsh when i sent mine. im sorry... im just... not in a mood.
damnit... must my brother always add in salt and oil everytime when im pissed?? damnit. he just loves to make it worst isnt it?? damnit.
there aint no peace for me now. no space for me. oh gosh... im dead.
he says he's hurt. i know he is. obviously i know. i felt that before. but what he's feeling now... is not even half of what i felt.
im trying so hard to keep everything to myself. i know i shouldnt. but see... spm is more important than me. their future. i dont want anything to be ruined. maybe you might think im silly and stupid for caring for others too much but thats me. i rather ruin mine rather than to destroy theirs. so yeah... keeping it all to myself is all i can do now. spm is gonna start in a few more hours for me. i guess accounts aint a big deal for me. i can do it. but chemistry and physics and add maths and all.... no guarantee.
you know how hard it is to hide everything from people?? to get invisible?? i just wish everything pass fast. im thinking too much. im worrying too much. im selfish i know. sorry.
am i tearing us apart? or was is the situation??? whatever... blame me for everything i did. i just felt... as though i popped up in your life at the worst time. wrong time. everything is crashing. i tried to hold on but... i dont think i can take it anymore...
i hate the feeling of jealousy. although i know i shouldnt be. heck it would be nice if i can control my feelings... it'll be damn good if i can control everything, makes everyone happy... now... i dont know anymore.
~so how can i ever try to be better?
nobody ever lets me in
i can still see you, this ain't the best view
on the outside looking in
i've been a lot of places
i've never been on the outside~
maybe taylor's songs ARE affecting me alot. know why?? cause most of her songs... is what i truly felt inside. the great combination of her songs and my mood... oh just so great.
~He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing
Don't know why I do~
i miss him alot. but i dont know what i want anymore. i just want him happy. thats all. is that something too much for me to ask?? am i the cause for all??? damn. it hurts so bad i cant even feel myself anymore. im tearing apart. broken into millions of pieces.
I don't know what I want
So don't ask me cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road
I'm just walking trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do
~I don't know what I want
So don't ask me cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road
I'm just walking trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one who feels the way I do~
~I'm alone, on my own and I'm starting off
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh, but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world~
save me. someone.
do you know how hard it is to be mean to him on the phone just now? do you have any idea? damn. i cant stop myself from breaking down. it takes a lot of courage and guts to talk to him. its not that i dont like talking to him. in fact i do. i love to. but... its like... when you wanna talk to him but at the same time not wanting to talk to him... its just hard. im tearing. im breaking. i just love him too much to let go. but... i dont know. i dont wanna let go. do i have to?
i wanna be selfish. but i cant. its wrong. selfish me to be selfish. i want him... but... maybe im just thinking too much. thats why im stepping deeper and deeper into this decision im making. someone... please... help me...
how i wish to be with him now. to hug him. to kiss him. just me and him. but aint that just me being selfish?
what can i do now? spm is crashing. i cant talk to him now. i mean... discuss about this. i dont want him to be all worried. i want him to concentrate in his studies... although i know he's not gonna do much studying. i just want the best for him. seeing him happy... is enough for me. that is why... that is why i probably gotto let go.
i no longer think that im a happy thing for him. i doubt if i can cheerish his life. i dont know if im the right girl for him. i dont know anymore. i really, really dont know. im clueless... please... get me out of here.
i dont deny that im being cold to him these days. im somehow avoiding him. but without him noticing. get what i mean? i seldom talk to him online now. excuse?? study. when im not even staring at the book. i talk meanly to him. phones and msn. both. how am i going to face him tomorrow?? i dont know if i could hold this any longer...
why am i troubling myself so much?? i dont know either. i... am afraid to get hurt. i've been hurted twice. and both sucks. that explains why i put a defense shield in front of my heart to protect it to tightly. that is why... never do i let anyone get close to it. im just afraid of getting hurt. that is why... im not allowing myself to get closer to him. not letting myself fall deeper for him. and also the reason for my coldness towards him. im sorry... im not as strong as you see i am on the outside. im just... sorry...
its tough when you want something and has it but forced to let it go. if im given the opportunity... i would not wanna bring misery into your life dear... i'd rather lie. i'd rather not show up. i'd rather... not enter your world at all. if thats all that makes you happier. i'd rather see you smile than seeing you now like this.
~so how can i ever try to be better?
nobody ever lets me in~
for those who loves country songs... i found one good singer. at least... she's good for me. i love her voice. i love her lyrics. taylor swift. she's good... she's... great...
Hold on, baby, you're losing it
The water's high, you're jumping into it
And letting go... and no one knows
You cry, but you don't tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you're tied together with a smile
But you're coming undone
[tied together with a smile]
I'm alone, on my own and I'm starting off
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh, but life goes on
Oh, I'm just a girl trying to find a place in this world
[a place in this world]
last time it was him. now... it's me. I am now having the thoughts of breaking up with him. not because i dont love him no more. its just... i felt like a burden to him you know... he's suffocating. and.... im making it worst.
i dont know how to tell him. im afraid it will affect his studies in SPM. well, im not even sure if its affecting his now. i... dont know lah. what am i supposed to do?!?! can someone help me out here???
in fact... i guess im getting deeper and deeper into this relationship thingy. and... knowing i'll get hurt easily... and jealous too... i plan to control whatever it is... so i'll not get too deep in. what else can i do?? i cant avoid him. but i cant get closer... he aint letting me. I... aint letting myself either.
he likes jan. thats for SURE. yun? maybe maybe not. me? i guess so. but the problem is... i dont know what is he thinking now nor what's in his mind. i dont like to guess them. cant he just tell me straight?? why must he keep everything to himself??
now... what i want him to know is... who he really likes. i mean... no use him being with me when he likes another girl right? this case... loyalty doesnt count. whats the point being loyal when your hearts not there?? so i wanna give both of us a break... time to chill... so that we can think more rasionally. am i doing the right thing? i dunno. im still thinking... argh!
does he likes me because im a nice person? or was it that i mislead him? i dont know. seriously. or does he likes me as a friend but he himself has been confusing his mind? err... honestly... no idea. am i making sense???
i still love him. as much as i do last time. in fact... i think more. thats why i need to put a stop. or not i'll drop even harder the next time. i dont wanna get all hooked up in this kinda stuff. but does he? i mean... he's confused himself. i better not elaborate more.
i dunno la... what am i doing now man?!?! what am i thinking?!?! am i alright? i hope so. since he aint telling a thing... and i CANT guess a thing... and when i try to tell, but he doesnt wanna listen... it makes this pointless. whatever we're in now. there aint no meaning there you see... i rather we be friends then. we'll be much more open to each other and... much more happier i guess. or maybe its just gonna be all hidden beneath his fake self.
he just said it. and i felt nothing. "i miss you". does it even mean a thing now??? i guess im just thinking too much. yeah i DO miss him a lot. no doubts man. but... does he really mean it? maybe. i dont know lah...
its just getting more and more complicated.
its weird you know. he's been hidding lotsa stuff from me. what stuff? why bother writing here man.
and... he's been sounding very cheerful today. and know what? instead of being happy for him... i'm kinda doubting him more and more. it just seems so fake. maybe he's a bad actor. i dont know. my senses just tells me he's NOT alright. prove me wrong man. i know im right. or at least i felt that im right. who cares la... he's just trying to pretend to be someone else to please me... which kinda failed without him knowing.
i suck. i know. i really really do.
i just watched that movie few minutes ago. i must say, it IS one nice movie. and... it DOES happens nowadays.
its a show about a guy who lied to most of the girls. practically all. in that show. he dates alot of them. he is what they call their "dream guy". but everything is just a lie.
so when these girls found out about his "dirty little secret", they plan to break his instead. since theirs have been broken by him. and Kate... a newbie in the school... that claims herself as "invisible", was made into one of the three girls chess to destroy John Tucker's life. Kate... decent and innocent. but was transformed into an evil angel.
when she realised it was all wrong, she plan to put a stop on all the evil deeds she did. that's because she felt that... what she had shown the world... was never her at all. its more of a "fake" her. its all a lie. she want to be herself again. she rather be invisible than to cheat herself. and she did. she made John Tucker realise that he shouldn't have lied. she made the three girls realised that what they had done... is all for him. no matter if they're struggling to break him, or struggling to make him theirs, its still all about him. finally, she fixed all the things she've done. return the watch to him. explains and be honest with him. tells the truth. and... be herself again. what did she get? she became a legend. in that show of course.
whats the moral of the story? Be Yourself. and... do not ever live in lies.
i would never choose to break a person's heart. because... thats all it takes to kill them. not literally but... you get the drift. and... hopefully... i can be what i want to be. an honest person. a person whom I am. my true self.
in short... i like that movie =D
for once in my lifetime... i felt like a fool. an idiot. i thought you were different from the others. i thought you would never break my heart. how silly am i to think like that. i mean... i want to say that practically all guys are the same. but its not true. it is... somehow. in some way. ego-ness is one of the similarities.
i want to hate you. but i cant. the only thing i can think of now is practically just you. worried, at the same time a little angry. wanna be with you tru the bad times... but you wouldnt allow. you kept your heart close so tightly. you once said i kept a brick wall to protect me. seems like its you now. its always been hidden beneath that you dont even allow anyone to see tru it.
can you stop thinking so much? i mean... what you think might not be right. and what you do based on your thoughts... might not be the best option nor the best choice. so stop wasting your bloody time thinking and worrying for something that you're not supposed to! you once said you weren't good enough for me. says who? nobody is not good enough for anybody. the only thing i know is... im happy with you. and i want you to be happy as well.
look at you now. i had always wonder... does guys always keeps their feelings inside of them tightly and secretly so that nobody knows... but at the same time they expect you to know what are their worries??? hey, you cant expect me to guess whats on your mind. its either you tell, and please... like what you said.. no mind-guessing games ok? im getting real tired of it. sick of it. why cant you just say it out?!?! tell out all your problems! why keep? does it do you any good? does it solve your problems?? no it doesnt. the more you keep, the more you worry. wth?!?! why torture yourself dear...
i know i do the same... but im trying very hard to be myself again. to say what i wanna say. to do what i wanna do. all i need is time. is that too much to ask??
since the day i moved into this current house... i've not been really happy before. seriously. besides the few moments with him. it's been so long since i had that smile where kids show on their faces when they were given sweets?? the smile that can almost cover your eyes?? so long... since i had that.
excuses... are all he gave.
im tired. very... very tired.
seems like... he wants a break. and i need to rest. but it aint gonna fell good. i shouldn't have drag myself into this big trouble in the first place. now, im gonna suffer the consequences. cause... i really do care for him. its gonna be hard for me. i hope i'll survive thru this.
know what?? my previous guy gave me the same reason he gave. exams. wanna focus and concentrate and stuff. what an excuse. i... learnt my lesson. a BIG one.
p.s. thanks for giving me such "lovely" morning. i couldnt thank you more.
seems like my brother is once again angry and mad at me. for what? honestly, i have no idea.
i dont remember doing anything wrong. unless if he tells me what i did. in short... i just cant seem to understand guys in my family. they're.... complicated. some says I imply a lot. i say, my family GUYS imply even more. and implication... sucks.
he thinks he's smart. he is. no doubt. but not in every sense. he just over done it.
he expects me to know whats wrong. what mistakes i did. but to think of it, IF i would to know what i did wrong, wouldn't i be avoiding that mistake? cant you just come right front to me and tell me straight on my face? how am i supposed to know whats running in your complicated piece of mind?!?! and please... don't even get angry at me IF you plan not to tell or correct me. cause i'm not changing until i know whats wrong. i mean... how can i???
thats the problem with guys in my house. ego. and stubborn. guess i just gotto live with it eh?
if this is to continue any longer... im afraid i cant take it anymore. see... i've been down lately. and just recently that i tried to pull myself outta that dark spot. i can say i succeed. i made myself realize how silly i was to think so much.. to think of what is unnecessary. to worry bout what might not even happen. conclusion... its just a waste of effort, waste of energy, and waste of precious time.
now that i try not to think that much... people around me began to start. mostly my loved ones. my boyfriend... extremely down. he aint telling me anything. and i hope he's NOT in suicidal mood. how i wish i can cherish him up but seems like i cant. know why?? i dont even know a single thing happening to him!! damnit.
i tried to be happy even at home. i tried. real hard. but now... my brother is bringing all the sad faces back again. no wonder i cant stand this house any longer. im so tempted to just fly away like those little birds dancing in the sky. i envy them. really. i do.
everything changed. even i do. but i dont want to. i was once a carefree child. the one that you'll see smiling all the time whenever and wherever she goes. the one that cheers up people around her. the one that... guess i just turned from the better to worst eh?
there's no one i can really talk to. i used to to my mom. but she has lotsa thinkings and worries herself. and some things... mom are just not meant to know.
my childhood friend? he's had a girlfriend now that i better should stay away from keep on bothering him. its not a good thing to make other's girlfriend jealous. and frankly speaking, i know how jealousy feels like... and it suck terribly. plus, i wouldnt want him to worry about me either. he's happy with his gf now. better not interrupt.
who else? my godbrother? he aint in a good mood now either. so wouldnt i pull him lower if i would to tell him what happened??
conclusion... tell me. who is there for me?
my bf? like i say... he's in an extreme down mood now.
my current good friend? she's going thru something now. shouldnt be a burden for her. i know i know... thats what friends are for. but as a friend i wouldnt wanna trouble her either.
so tell me... who can i really rely on? myself? yeah i guess thats the only one i can really trust and depend on.
i had this weird unpleasent dream this evening. yeah i was having a short nap. err.. actually a 2 hour nap. i woke up and got so blur i thought it was morning. hehe... blur me. anyway the dream... aint a gd one. and if i'm given the chance, i would not want anything like that to happen in my life.
in short... today... i lost my mood.
well, i just chatted with my brother just now. seems to be like he mix with me better than with my parents.
he is currently having disagreement towards my dad. and not so satisfied with my mom. ok he doesnt actually likes my attitude too but... he realize theres nth he can do. so.. yeah he's kinda alright with me.
i just talked to him. seriously. as in serious chat. i asked him how is he. hows his job and stuff... and he told me... "first ever time in seventeen years i hear you say that (that means its the first time he hears it from me since i was born)
anyway im glad my brother is alright. hehe
i guess i really watched too much movies.
Re-Cycle is one great movie. well, at least it is for me. it is more of a touching movie rather than horror as everyone thought it is.
the first part was a little scary. but towards the middle part till the end... touching and i dunno... somehow i just find it nice. im a person that seldom/rarely watch horror movies. so why did i watch this show? i dont know. i just know i did.
i cried towards the end of the show. i cant explain here. im not good at describing nor telling stories. so just watch it for yourself. the little girl was cute though... hehehe...
somehow... my instinct tells me that he knows about my blog. this blog.
it hurts to see him like that. but i cant do a thing. he never tells me a thing. he claims he doesnt want me to worry. or stuff like that. i guess... he knows how i feel when he says that more than i do right? lemme guess... its different?? oh bullshyt. and stop denying.
maybe i'm just not the person someone could count on. to go to when they're in trouble or confused or having problems.
i cant do anything. it suck.
im not a good gf. im not a good friend. im just not good for anything.
- hate myself -
i'm sick and tired of feeling too much. its like... nothing is wrong with whats going on. but... somehow i just cant control my feelings.
damnit. nothing is wrong. so why is my feelings keep playing with my mind?? sheesh...
i just watched "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle". its a great show. it makes me laugh and also made me realize... that my life aint that sucky after all. though its just a show and its silly for me to think like that just b'coz i've watch it... but to seriously take a closer deeper look into my past life or even now... my life aint that bad after all.
the way they overcome their problem... they way they ended up standing for themselves... the way how life can actually be worst when you thought nothing can get any worst... stuff like that... just reminds me of... how useless i've been. i kept complaining and complaining for every problem that has happened. aih...
i shld be more tough with what i want. what my goal is. what i shld do to solve my problems. not just by thinking... or complaining. or ignoring. cause... each time i think... i get heartache. inner pain in me. tears flow at times... but nobody seems to see it. because i build a solid and huge wall so that nobody could ever come in. to see how weak i actually am.
sometimes i look up upon the stars and moon... oh how i wish to go up there. to be free. free from everything. no problems. no politics. just plain simple.
sometimes... i just wish to close my eyes and hug the person i love so much and to kiss him gently... as though nobody's around.
i cant control my feelings... so what i'll do is just to live with it. and to live with it aint easy. cause... it hurts so bad at times... but so lovely that you can fly up so high...
ok i shld stop.
life is beautiful. life is a living hell.
jan just sent me a message just now... apologising. for some reason she didnt state it down. so as usual me getting a little too worried and also thinking quite a lot... i decided to call to clear things up.
wanna know what i thought of? the moment i saw that message... i thought of her and ben. which... i supposed aint a good thing at all. what about them? i shall not elaborate cause... i dont want anyone to know. its just me being extremely sensitive or is it that im being over jealous? i dont know. nor do i wanna know... just let it be...
so i called her... many many times actually. i thought she was avoiding my call. which apparently made me think EVEN more... ok i should stop bout my thoughts.
finally she picked up and told me she's apologising for using my name. she was on the phone with ben. so... i was half correct with my instinct. damn. it aint a good feeling. but i wasnt that worried bout her apology anymore.
she told her mom she was talking to me instead of ben. she's afraid her mom having too much thoughts too... err... my name... i've became an insane or extremely problematic person in her family... more of to her mom. ahh... dont care la. i'm still safe and alive i hope.
anyway... the point is... i dont know why but i really hate the jealousy feeling. damnit. they're just friends!! whats wrong with them calling each other?? nothing is wrong. but how come... how come i kept.....??? ahh forget it. im a jerk.
i dont want them to avoid each other because of me. cause... one is my bf and another is my friend! but... cant anyone just wave off that feeling?? i mean... why is it that im so gosh damn sensitive??!! i hate myself...