Yup.
Date: Dec 14th, 2008 1:27:13 pm - Subscribe
Mood: mixed
Music: "For the Birds" by What Made Milwaukee Famous
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Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur...
Date: Dec 6th, 2008 10:40:29 pm - Subscribe
Mood: overjoyed
Music: "Sway" by Michael Buble
I enjoy hearing from people that our world is full of hate. Men spend a lot of time worrying about when and how the world will finally end, because soon, all of the ones that spend their life hating will "get theirs." Of course the irony should be obvious: they are hating just as much as those they are pointing the finger at.
It is completely ridiculous to me that the world is full of hate. I must say, for a world full of hate, there are still so many imaginations that run wild with fantasies of love. Some of these people use their imagination for good and release it to the public in the form of some literature or put it directly to film for all of us to see. They know what it is like to love. They keep the idea of love going.
Whenever I start to feel sinister and as though the world is full of nothing but losers who have all forgotten what it means to love... I like to think about the computer lab at school. There is where the magic happens that is The Stang - our school newspaper, and what I like to think of as a home away from home. It is funny how consumed one can become with something like newspaper. But, I am. Photography is a hobby and passion of mine, but journalism will never die with me. It hasn't for the past two-and-a-half years since I made the decision to become a print journalist. While in the "news room," I guess you could call it, that crowded computer lab placed convienently on the 100 hall becomes a door to frantic students and of course many laughs with friends.
Many of us have close friends, boyfriends, or just new friends that can find all sorts of ways to make our time enjoyable while we work diligently (sometimes) on our assignments.
My seat has been a comfort seat for me. I sign in everyday to the same computer with the same password, and the same routine. Plug in my jump-drive and open up Microsoft Word to my latest article. There I work. I work while every now and then getting interrupted, quite welcomed usually, by laughs from others who sit nearby wishing to tell me a joke or tell me a story that could have won them the Spaz of the Year Award. While I sit at the computer and work hard to perfect syntax and my diction, there is usually a flock of people running around me and loud voices carrying in the somewhat small room.
Next to me, there is always a boy that loves to do nothing but sit and play a racing game that he downloaded onto his own jump-drive. It is usually to his direction I refuse to lean. I turn my ears to the voices on the other side of me. It is the most exciting part of the room. The editor-in-cheif runs around making sure we are doing what we should, while the newspaper sponsor walks around occassionally and answers questions, and the sub-editors (news, features, sports, etc.) walk to their writers and critique them. Usually this routine follows arguments or just plain frantic because the writers realize that there is ten minutes before the bell rings and they only have one paragraph written.
Numerous laughs are shared in computer lab 124, and the sounds of laughter and frantic always keep me interested and motivated to do what I am doing. It is the only place where routine and frenzy come together to make a world I can say I do not want to live without. Yes, we all have had our moments of wanting to pull our hair out or wanting to punch someone in the face... But it is an environment suited for love and perfectly suited for a team willing to work hard to get the job done.
It is the first time I can truly say I have ever been a part of something like this. We all love what we are doing, and will admit we do love each other. (Usually...) I love reminding myself of how much I love print journalism and how much I love newspaper class. If nothing else will do it, thinking of precisely that keeps me going and keeps me believing that the world is not full of hate. Hate comes from the passion that we have for something and instead of simply admitting to it, we run away and hide behind anger. When we finally decide to express our love, we become better people.
The only thing wrong with loving is the fact that when it is true, it never leaves your heart. You'll always remember it. We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving. It is out of our hands.
(Jack's owner came to the neighborhood knocking on every door with a poster asking for him. Jack saw him and fought his way to him. The guy teared up. He said his fiancée was a mess without him there. It was a great moment. That is exactly what I wanted.)
Comments: (7)
Perpetually in the State of Defining Humanity
Date: Dec 5th, 2008 5:49:13 pm - Subscribe
Mood: reflective
Music: "All You Wanted" by Michelle Branch
(Some of these thoughts might be scattered.)
So, bloggers, I had a nice entry ready to share with you all. I found one particular part of my day most interesting. But I left it in my AP Statistics book, and I won't have it back in my possession until Monday. I was not even sure that I would have a blog entry for you all until I was searching through my bookbag - still unaware of the entry's location being inside my locker - and I stumbled upon notes I had taken in tenth grade for my Honors English class with Mr. Bain. You may be wondering, "Why do you still have that, Jennifer?" I'll tell you why... Key notes and handouts I received in my tenth and eleventh grade english classes I have kept because not only are they still invaluable to me growing as a writer, but they also are enlightening. Most of what I learned in Mr. Bain's class was one of the most intelligient viewpoints on religion that I have ever heard. Being a Christian, a lot of my friends are Christian too, and those that were not, never gave me a real argument. Mr. Bain always had something to say that didn't make you look at him like he was strange - well, unless he was making some weird joke. But I stumbled upon notes I had on existentialism and atheism. It was while we were studying the novel, The Stranger by Albert Camus. After finding these notes, I found something to talk about.
Jean Paul Sartre states you are in complete control of your life. Existence comes before essence and creating your own essence makes you free. You need no God. However, in some cases a belief of anxiety can occur because you are condemned to freedom. The "absurdity of the world" is simply stating how contradictory this statement can be: there is no God, or rather, man needs no God, but man cannot exist without someone telling him what to do or what should be done to live happily. Fate must requires a god.
In my notes, I have written down, "A hero is one who struggles against the absurdities of the world to make meaning..." They find their own path and find their own god if they feel the need for one. It is so funny to watch men scream for a savior everyday, as if there isn't Someone there. I am not going to turn this into a Christianity discussion, and I am not going to make this blog about that. In fact, this may be the one and only blog I ever do regarding Christianity. But my point is... How can men be so contradictory in what they say? How can they say there is nothing there and we're here for just no good reason, but accept the idea that men are incapable of choosing a life for themselves? There must be something running it all. It's not hurting you or anyone else if someone believes. Is it hurting you that I believe?
I, myself, have found times where believing my "religion" (a word I hate associated with my faith) has become hard, but that is simply because I made it religious; all about the rituals not about the faith. Little kids believe in Santa Claus without a doubt in their mind, and not many bother to question that. They just say it is because it is fun when you are child to believe in something that sounds so endearing. Why can't people feel that way about God? Jars of Clay said it best with their song "Like A Child."
Many Bible studies will tell you that finding out who you are with God and who you are without God is one of the first steps to understanding everything. We are perpetually in the state of defining humanity: why we are here, and what is in control of our fates. The question of a god or God is not what we are searching for; the question will always be, "What is man?"
(This is a dog we found today wandering around without a collar in front of our house. We named him Jack. He is an amazingly sweet and playful sheltie. We all decided even if the owner showed up tomorrow at least we gave him a warm place to eat and drink so he would be safe.)
Comments: (3)
What Is Wrong With Me
Date: Dec 4th, 2008 12:14:49 am - Subscribe
Mood: loud
Music: "Setting Up Sunday" by Meg & Dia
(If you want to read about my day, Wednesday, go to the entry below. This is more of thoughts I feel like should be expressed.)
I find myself, in times of lulls where there is nothing really to distract me, the urging need to fill the silence with words. Whatever I am thinking that isn't too prudent to express in my present environment, is said...
It's not exactly verbal diarrhea, but it's close. I have a - what many school counselors would consider - normal thought process in comparison with other females: my mind goes everywhere and is somehow able to link other completely irrelevant thoughts to the original. Thus, I find myself almost rambling, but just needing to talk.
I blame my family. My family is always there for me if I need them, and I do have Shanna if I need to talk, but she doesn't exactly have the longest attention span, and it's not due to boredom, she's just easily distracted by other things, and my dad is always tired from work making him not really wanting to hear me babble about my day.
Last night, Jacob and I were left at church and there I went, talking, and talking, and talking. Talking like an idiot about everything and nothing at the same time. He's a great guy though. He listened and responded, though he was extremely exhausted until Shanna finally arrived to pick me up.
I feel bad to the victims of my silence-breakers. I can't quite decide what to call these moments of random speech, and for someone who is usually so quiet, you would think that I wouldn't feel the need to talk, but I guess it almost makes sense that due to my lack of real conversation during the day, I would feel the need for human contact.
Things at school aren't as bad as I somehow could have just made it seem with that last statement. Yes, I am quiet, but I have buddies in all of my classes to talk to. It is not bad at all. But I am typically shy, and that is just how I have been for the past few years... I don't feel like going into it. For once, I just don't feel like going into every detail of my life.
I feel bad for him. Even I don't like being inside my head.
I wonder if my friends just feel like rolling their eyes..? Even I feel like I am being redundant and monotonous with everything I utter. It's as if I am sticking my foot so far in my mouth it is coming out of my ass. (Excuse the language for those offended.)
But, you know, sometimes, we make up these ideas in our head. That people are sick of us or these people are bored with us. We have forgotten what it is like to just live with silence and accept it and things we cannot change. We have forgotten how to just love ourselves and know that usually people don't remember every stupid thing we do. We have forgotten we're all human. I have realized this, but in the eighteen years I have lived, I'm STILL trying to learn how to master this skill of just loving the life you live and loving yourself.
I've gotten pretty good at loving the life I live. Actually, I consider myself a pro in that department. It is the loving myself part I do not quite have down yet. I spend too much time overthinking everything I say and do. I should just stop dwelling on the miniscule things. So what if I was chatty Wednesday night? It was merely one night where my mind would not stop running no matter what was going on around me. No one could have prevented or predicted that. Not even me.
Comments: (8)
What A Day...
Date: Dec 3rd, 2008 1:48:19 pm - Subscribe
Mood: pumped
Music: "Paper Walls" by Yellowcard
Today was amazing, and I only had a half day due to Shanna checking me out after fourth period. (That might have been what made it so amazing.) I am still sick, yes, but it definitely not as bad as it has been.
Have you ever felt so nauseous that there's not a thing big enough for you to stick in your mouth to stop you from vomiting everywhere? That is how I felt all morning because I knew Rose and I had to present our economics project. It really didn't help that my cold was keeping me from speaking at an audible volume to most humans.
It was rough. But we at least lasted 4 minutes and 50 seconds, courtesy of Partello. There has not really been another time this year that I could truly say I love that man. Deep down, I know that he is not a bad person. His class was just a very frustrating semester for me, and when he's not in complete teacher mode he is actually a lot of fun to be around. I am just thankful that he knew Rose and I were nervous and asked us at least four questions while we were up there to keep our time from being too short.
Here is the best part! We got a 75 on the project, which I don't mind because it's passing and because that is actually really good considering the minimum time was 10 minutes. But... On the portfolio for our business that Rose spent the whole semester dreading and then spent 9 non-stop hours working at her house for... We got 920 out of 1000 points. I was so thrilled! We got a 92! That's an A. That's better than I think just about anyone else in our class so far. He told us ours was one of the best portfolios he has seen so far this year and wants us to do the few things we are missing and turn that into him so he can show off our portfolio to others later.
It was definitely worth all the frustration to be able to come out of it with that.
I feel more accomplished with just that portfolio than I have with anything else this year.
I might take a nap and then Shanna and I are going to the store because I have to buy a present for Staci, and then she is taking me to church for the youth birthday party.
Comments: (1)
First Entry
Date: Dec 2nd, 2008 9:47:08 pm - Subscribe
Mood: drowsy
Music: "On And On And On" by Wilco
This is my first entry and only God knows what could come of this blog. For right now, I am simply writing down thoughts on my life as they come to me. I can, however, feel the Nyquil kicking in so I may have to go to sleep soon.
Yes, you heard me, I am sick. I was very stuffy at one point, but now, my throat just feels swollen which my dad and Shanna have both said is because of sinus drainage. I did have a bad sinus infection, so that would make sense. At least all of this is starting to ease off. I don't feel quite as sick as before, but this swollen throat thing is really bothering me. Shanna did say that Nyquil would help it and I've been drinking hot tea with honey and lemon since I got home from school.
Who knows. I have to present a massive project tomorrow with my friend Rose. Hopefully we will do okay. The portfolio is the most important. It is for economics. Our presentation is worth one test grade, but our portfolio is worth ten - that's 1,000 points. Yes, I know that is a lot. Partello is simply ridiculous.
I hope we do well...
I hope I get well...
Sorry for the short not-so-informative first entry. I will get better. Because of my being sick, I will be checking out tomorrow roughly before lunch so maybe I'll get on again and give you some kind of briefing to my life. Who knows what I will say...
Comments: (2)
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