What Is Wrong With Me
Date: Dec 4th, 2008 1:14:49 am - Subscribe
Mood: loud
Music: "Setting Up Sunday" by Meg & Dia
(If you want to read about my day, Wednesday, go to the entry below. This is more of thoughts I feel like should be expressed.)
I find myself, in times of lulls where there is nothing really to distract me, the urging need to fill the silence with words. Whatever I am thinking that isn't too prudent to express in my present environment, is said...
It's not exactly verbal diarrhea, but it's close. I have a - what many school counselors would consider - normal thought process in comparison with other females: my mind goes everywhere and is somehow able to link other completely irrelevant thoughts to the original. Thus, I find myself almost rambling, but just needing to talk.
I blame my family. My family is always there for me if I need them, and I do have Shanna if I need to talk, but she doesn't exactly have the longest attention span, and it's not due to boredom, she's just easily distracted by other things, and my dad is always tired from work making him not really wanting to hear me babble about my day.
Last night, Jacob and I were left at church and there I went, talking, and talking, and talking. Talking like an idiot about everything and nothing at the same time. He's a great guy though. He listened and responded, though he was extremely exhausted until Shanna finally arrived to pick me up.
I feel bad to the victims of my silence-breakers. I can't quite decide what to call these moments of random speech, and for someone who is usually so quiet, you would think that I wouldn't feel the need to talk, but I guess it almost makes sense that due to my lack of real conversation during the day, I would feel the need for human contact.
Things at school aren't as bad as I somehow could have just made it seem with that last statement. Yes, I am quiet, but I have buddies in all of my classes to talk to. It is not bad at all. But I am typically shy, and that is just how I have been for the past few years... I don't feel like going into it. For once, I just don't feel like going into every detail of my life.
I feel bad for him. Even I don't like being inside my head.
I wonder if my friends just feel like rolling their eyes..? Even I feel like I am being redundant and monotonous with everything I utter. It's as if I am sticking my foot so far in my mouth it is coming out of my ass. (Excuse the language for those offended.)
But, you know, sometimes, we make up these ideas in our head. That people are sick of us or these people are bored with us. We have forgotten what it is like to just live with silence and accept it and things we cannot change. We have forgotten how to just love ourselves and know that usually people don't remember every stupid thing we do. We have forgotten we're all human. I have realized this, but in the eighteen years I have lived, I'm STILL trying to learn how to master this skill of just loving the life you live and loving yourself.
I've gotten pretty good at loving the life I live. Actually, I consider myself a pro in that department. It is the loving myself part I do not quite have down yet. I spend too much time overthinking everything I say and do. I should just stop dwelling on the miniscule things. So what if I was chatty Wednesday night? It was merely one night where my mind would not stop running no matter what was going on around me. No one could have prevented or predicted that. Not even me.
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dearjenna - December 04th, 2008 |
