Apr 2nd, 2011 4:15:43 pm - Subscribe
|in times of serious crazies i tend to throw an entry down on my old friend, Aeonity.
the sparse manic entries that i scribble
i miss writing, i want to write
I recently subjected myself to an ordeal of patience, compassion and enlightenment.
"Be careful what you wish for," or some variation of the proverb.
Enlightenment whooped my ass. Exhausted physically and mentally. Stability has been a day to day, hour to hour mystery.
Anxiety can strike like those expensive military drones. A missile of fast breath, tight chest and confusion.
I think anxiety is a respectable opponent. A dirty weapon, not to be underestimated.
Those peddling fear know the power of anxiety.
Fortunately, though, fear is hollow.
Pushed back by the flame of a pure heart. Shattered by the piercing blow of sharp intellect. Softened by compassion. Defeated with patience. Outwitted by simplicity.
Fear has no place in my life, cast aside with hope. Neither have substance, and I will not cling to either.
I hear: The Cure
Jan 11th, 2010 1:58:42 pm - Subscribe
|Been up late for too many nights in a row and I feel pretty damn tired finally. I hate when things catch up to me. I run run run, push push push, try to get away with as much as I can.
Pushing limits of my sanity, society and political correctness on a daily basis.
It isn't that I am extremely active and busy, I just cannot get the rest I require even for my lazy lifestyle.
Anyways, although much of my current physical status is due to lack of sleep I am also guilty of a few things I want to change. I need to eat healthier, stop smoking and exercise.
Typical things most people want to do, things that I need to do. My body has changed in the last 2 years and it bothers me more than I let myself think.
Step 1: Get proper rest. If I could get my sleep schedule straight I would actually have time for eating better and exercising.
Those three things would help my life so much, physically and mentally. It would make the bi-polar more friendly too.
|mood: out of shape, tired, hopeful
I hear: Kill Hannah
|while you sleep||
Jan 3rd, 2010 4:54:59 pm - Subscribe
|I have had a nauseating vortex of thoughts lately. I cant focus but I ponder over fleeting ideas for a few moments before the next idea or distraction.
I guess I am coming to accept that bipolar is real. I am doing pretty great the last few months though. I have learned how to do this without medication pretty well.
I decided that it is part of who I am and I don't want to take pills to change that.
Writing my thoughts seems to be an effective way for me to cope. The things I wouldn't burden a friend with or don't care to discuss with people I know can be thrown off into the void of the netz. Sure some people I know might read it but it's on their own time and effort. I can be sure I am not being a downer to them.
As soon as I can concentrate again I want to plan a day to take photographs somewhere. Not sure where yet but I need to take more pictures.
I will be 23 years old in a month and a half. A sense of urgency to take more steps towards my goals is grabbing hold.
I hear: Something Corporate(a guilty pleasure of mine)
Dec 28th, 2009 8:19:26 pm - Subscribe
|I feel motivated to pursue my goals now that I am less upset over the premature ending of what I thought was a nice relationship. I was her first boyfriend so I was silly to think we would make any real connection after all I've been through.
But that motivation thing. I am having non stop day dreams about photography, my media company I am working on and it excites me.
I need to go go go and realize some of these dreams once all the holiday madness dissipates.
Normally I am not hostage to the festivities but my life has become so social as of late that I am low on energy and time for myself.
Time to regroup and re-focus on what I love.
|mood: motivated but no gas in the tank
I hear: Kill Hanna - Radio
Dec 23rd, 2009 6:36:26 am - Subscribe
|..and everything felt good until I fell asleep. There in my dreams I was vulnerable and haunted by the painful memories of bad things that never happened..
...another piece of my heart handed away. The hole left behind to be filled by her love. Instead darkness sinks in, cold tendrils of despair tighten. For it isn't her that the boy desires now...it is a longing to love and to be loved...
I hear: video games in the other room