|It's so hard, the stress, the work, life. I need a hand to hold and a shloulder to rest my head on, if only for a few minutes to ease the tension and anxiety. I will be crying soon if I can't let off some of this stress, so I will be writing tonight, no, not poetry to help make things better. I have a paper to write...more stress.|
So i came across another web page stereotyping 'emo' kids. It said the goal of every emo kid is to live at home as long as they can. Well, I told my friend at tech, and it's funny cause i joke about living at home till i'm 30. Oh well. Then I said I hope I'm still happy when i'm 30, and then silence. She was like, 'your not happy now, so I hope youre happy by then.' It was nice of her to care.
So I had to write my entry because after this i have nothing to do to put off writing my paper. I pulled out my Writers Inc. book that the school gave us. It's the second time I've used it on my own, as opposed to the techer making you bring it in and do scavanger hunts in the book so you learn whats in it. Hah. I remember how lame the first three years of high school were. If your younger, know that if you put in the time now, your senior year can kick major.
I really got it together this year. I'm getting good grade, I have friends, and I joined club at school.
Here we go into a story. Maybe I'll write parts over the course of some entries.
my misery part 1
So it really started in 6th grade. before that I was cool enough. People liked me, girls laughed at my charm and the guys helped me cause trouble and pull jokes. Then Middle School. Uck. I went to a school in a low class town. The kids were tough. I have always wanted to fit in, but here I just couldn't. I was picked on. In the locker room they would call me gay, and all the other losers did too, so they could feel better about themselves and not get beat up. So me, being chubby, intelligent, a know it all, helpful, kind, in band, and liked by teachers, I got the brunt of the 6th grades brutality. All of the anger and problems caused by the broken homes, racism, and disfunctional families was released onto me. I had no one. Not a single friend. I was through. Then we moved.
Why is your blog so depressing, when you seem happy when your with me? I guess that is a accurate question anyone could ask me. Well, I'm happy when I'm with you because...I'm with you! Make sense? The most beautiful words composed by the most brilliant poet would fall short of describing the friends I love.
I write sad things because it's the only outlet for sad emotions. I don't pay any of my friends to listen to me rant or complain about things that really arn't as big as I make them to be. So I write, and if you don't want to read, you don't have to. If your just not in the mood, you can do it later. So people who are interested can find out, but no one is forced to sit there and listen to my issues. Explanation understood? I hope so. It is nice to know that people do read and comment, care. In fact, its comforting to know that I am being heard and that they arn't being forced to listen. You are all willing eyes....you can stop reading here.....or here....but you don't. Thanks guys. I need to go take a roll of film for photographt now. Daylight is precious.
Ha. Well it looks like tomorrow I have to get my picture taken in the studio for adams intern website. I need to have too outfits....eh. I have to do 'how not to dress for an interview' and 'how to'. Well, whatever. I can manage. I also have t develop that roll i took this afternoon. Meh.
So I was telling a sad story. I am cotemplating adding the next part of the story. I'm not really that down. Yes I am, but it should be short, maybe not. After writing the story I now apologize for it being so lengthy, turn back now if you want.
So when I left off I was beaten, losing at life. But it was time to move again. Ever since my parents had divorced, even though she was re-married, we were still going from one rented house to another. This next move was to grayslake, but lets say I never quite made it there. There was a several month gap between the end of our current lease and the closing on the new townhouse, and my family had nowhere to go.
Maybe we did. My two little sister, older sister, parents, and myself all moved into my Grandma's house. It is a tiny two bedroom condo type in Round Lake. Anyone not from Lake County...Round Lake is the armpit of the area. We spent half a year living in this small house with only two bedrooms, a livingroom, kitchen, and a dinning room. Needless to say, it was close quarters and life would not be the same for very long.
I shared a room with my parents, and two little sisters. We had a bunk bed and what must have been a queen size in that room. My big sister was with my grandma.
We moved in with her during the summer, June I believe. So when it came time to start school I was registered at Grayslake Middle school under my aunt's address, being I was going to be attending there in a few months. This was done so I wouldn't have to transfer when we finally got to our brand new house. I had a chance at a new life, I didnt have to be the loser. So with some new preppy clothes(I have learned new clothes will never change who I am and the past, neither will a new house, or a new anything) I started my first day and was just any other kid, except the fact that I wasnt part of the thirty reunions taking place around me. The first few weeks were hard, but I have been to several different schools(5 at that point) and have learned how to meet people, even after that year of being tormented.
It was all so surreal there, most likely because life was fake at that time. I had to be somewhere else in my head. Fantasies helped me escape life. Escape being at home....no, not home.
As I met people I was surprised at being accepted. With a crush on a cute girl and cool friends everything seemed to be right, but it wasn't. At that point I had no self-esteem, self worth. I didn't even know that she liked me back. How was I supposed to know that the pretty, popular girl had a thing for me(I found out my last day at GMS). I wonder if people could see through me, wonder why I was akward with having friends.
I did well there, good grades...for awhile.
As the time spent living at my grandmas increased, so did my problems. I stopped doing my homework and schoolwork. My last report card from there never made it to my parents hands(I arranged that). In a few weeks time I managed to stop working and fail most of my classes with grades below 50%.
I spent one semester at GMS before I found out that we were not moving to grayslake, in fact, plans had changed. We were going to Lake Villa...I would attend Antioch Upper Grade School.
-I have never gone over my past before, never analyzed what has happened to me. I guess it has always been to hard to remember. I am beginning to see where I developed the problems I still have today. And I wanted to keep it short, but thats the story in as few words as I thought I could use and still tell the story. On a happy note, I'm going to do some homework for LRM that was due...some time ago.
I am so enthusiastic right now. Why? Because I'm sick of being sad. What is remembering my life going to do for me? All it is going to do right now is make me depressed. So in a quick sum up of event, I made some friends, then lost them, then had the wrong friends, then none, then I made the best friends I'll ever make for the rest of my life. Now Its the present, and I'm happy. Why, because people love me. How sweet is that! I mean, I have quite a bit of things to look forward to, and I need to recignize all the good things going on right now.
So Tony says I must stop listening to only Saddle Creek, and not be so indie. He gave me some new bands to listen to. I rather like some of them. I'm guessing I will like most of them, because we like most of the same things. Its just I listen to more emo emo and he listens to more hard hardcore. We overlap quite a lot in musical taste. Peace my friends.