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This is just a rant of mine, I needed to blow off some steam, get a few things said. I just want it to be over with, I wish I had never gone there in the first place...Except for the friends, I wish I had never done this. If I had just held my ground I wouldn't be feeling like I am abandoning my family and friends, I just wish it had stayed the same. Now i have to deal with the hurt I am causing those around me. Tonight i have to write a rough draft of my final paper. The topic: What is really real and does god exist? ------------------------------------------------- Don't know if you'll see this Adam, but I am going to write it here until I get to talk to you. I don't appreciate the comment about Brittany going off and screwing another guy. In fact, reading that just FUCKING pissed me off, which is not a good way to initiate a discussion. You don't know her, and to already discredit who she is directly insults me. I love her, and she loves me. Until you know exactly who she is and how amazing she is, you can't EVER say that about her. Damnit Adam, you can miss me and care about me, but the moment anyone insults me or my relationship, I am immediatly going to lose a certain amount of trust and respect. It isn't anybody's business, what my physical relationship is. If you doubt me or my intentions with this young woman, I don't feel it is my fault. If you know me, then know the way I treat women. I don't make decisons so hastily and uninformed as you might be thinking. I don't just state my beliefs based on what feels good at the time, I am not a total hedon. I have felt God, I have felt nothing. I have learned a lot about science, philosophy and life without religion. I have learned a lot about god, Jesus and the message of Christ. What it somes down to is what I feel. I tried it. I didn't even feel comfortable going to bible study, and I don't know why I did, or why I kept going. It was months before I even felt anything "godlike." And even then, I never felt some presence or comfort. The comfort and feelings I gained were from good friends, I needed the bible study and friends. Maybe I needed a god or something to give up control of my life. I have deep and fundamental differences that I believe that just don't and never will match up with the bibles teachings. The earth IS 4.5 billion years old. There IS an extensive fossil record that makes a very convincing case for human evolution. There is more evidence than you could imagine showing evolution and adaptation of all of the species on our planet. I can't drop that. I can't ignore that. I didn't know god for my entire life. Then I did know god, but did I really? What is real? Is god a projection? At one point I lost that feeling or projection, overnight, and for no apparent reason. For a few years, maybe jsut one, I was absolutely undeniably devoted to being an athiest. I jsut didn't care about christianity, buddhism, Islam, I didn't care about anyone's god ot their take on it. I went into that bible study open minded, maybe even hoping that i did meet a savior or allmighty being. Maybe I thought i did at times. But it has died again. I don't feel completely distatched. I still have many good friends that are christians. I love them. There comes a point where I just don't feel right anymore. When I pray, I mean those things, but I'm not really lifting it up to a god, and that makes me feel shitty. It feels wrong to say those things anymore. I can't do it, I care about you guys to the point where i don't want to fake a prayer for you. I may have tried to pray 10 times max while I was a part of bible study. I never felt anything while trying to pray outside of bible study either. Doesn't it seem wrong to try and try to hear a voice in your head? If I can't hear the voices in my head without trying hard and long is that my fault? I am sorry to hurt my friends. I only feel guilty that I even tried. Why did I try to "find god" just to please my family? It wasn't fair to me or them. and reading that comment you left again just keeps pissing me off. WHAT THE FUCK would make you say that about Brittany. Fuck that, I can't handle that, that's the most bullshit I have ever read, you doubt me so much as to make that mistake again. Be upset at my beliefs, but don't fuck with my relationship. If you can't say something nice...then shut the hell up. I care about you, but if I read that line one more time I think I might lose it. |
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Still have that paper on What is Really Real and Does God Exist? Shit, I was going to get off the phone with Brittany around 10 and now its 12. I guess i got a little sidetracked. She tried to get me to do my work, I can still do it. And Adam, my friend. The only thing that upset me was the Brittany comment, I love her so much and I got angry hearing something that discredited her name where no discredit was deserved. I forgive you for that, we are only human, like you said. I also apologize for being rash and emotional in regards to that comment. I didn't have my head on any straighter than you did. The way I feel and my decision to state it isn't easy for anybody that I love, especialy you Adam. You are one of my closest friends. You have been there for me so many times. I respect you, your life, your friendship. I respect your faith and wouldn't do anything to try and change that. I am writing my paper. No one is forced to read it but i will post a link to download it if anyone is interested. I don't seek to cause any disturbances. I might post more about Taoism from time to time, but again, no one is forced to read it. |
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Well fuck me hardcore Apparently I have been attending Algebra in vain for quite some time. I have no chance in hell of passing. Well FUCK! I am so angry at myself this semester. I have screwed things up so much. I feel so ashamed to even tell my mother or father how badly I have done. Arrrr...I am going to go register for some summer courses that I will actually enjoy and be able to do well in. So let down, so ashamed, so guilty. That's what bothers me most, the people I let down. My father, for footing the bill, and what do I do? And for Brittany, how am I supposed to go to Northland if I fuck up like this? *sigh* Now I guess i will work on this project for critical thinking. I don't see a need to go to philosophy tomorrow, so I will do my extra credit paper for critical thinking. The two things i pass...Philosophy and Critical Thinking. Does anyone else see the irony here? |
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On a much lighter note.... 3 MONTHS!!! Yes my friends. Today is the three month anniversary. This is three months from when we met. We have been official dating for a little over one month now. 3 Months, it feels good to say. 1/4 of a year. She checked her mail and got the card that i sent her. We were eating at Something's Brewing with Mandy, Alyssa and Adam and there was this cute card that Brittany liked. So sunday night after she left I wrote her this letter that she said was the best one yet. The next day I went back to Something's Brewing and bought the card, stuck the letter in it and sent it off. As I had hoped, it arrived there today, May 3rd. We met February 3rd, and by the 4th we liked each other. Sometimes I like to bring up events or times and ask her if she liked me then. By the second day we knew each other it seemed like we both had secret hopes of having what we do now. It made her day, and for once i was able to keep it a surprise. |
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Listen to Blonde Redhead lyrics. They make truly beautiful music. Rather than post lyrics in my entry, which I admit I find tedious when people post long songs, I will jsut tell you to seek them out. The lyrics are short though, they just do a lot of beautiful sonic stuff. I registered for summer and fall classes. This summer is Environmental Issues and Intro to Sociology. In the fall I have 16 credit hours :X But they are good classes. Fundamentals of Speech Advanced Scientific and Technical Writing General Biology II Environmental Science Cultural Anthropology So thats a load of work eh?! If it is too much I can always withdraw from one by a certain date where I still get the money back. I saw two ridiculous bumper stickers today. In fact, they were even driving next to each other so I had to see both of them. One said "Promote Global Warming" The other one said PETA People Eating Tasty Animals Why do people have to be so ignorant. |