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I am emo. Not the emo kid that takes himself so seriously that you know they are just being trendy or attention deprived. No, I'm true blue emo for real. Some say I was born emo. I'm not emo because of girl pants or cool shirts. Its not my shoes, coats or awesome hats. It's not about how obscure the bands are that I listen to. Scene points aren't what make me emo. Some may say, "Ross, you are a really happy guy." I say that I don't even cry at funerals. But the truth is, I go for long times holding it together. Even when Life is more than I think I can handle. But there comes a point where every emo kid starts crying in the store on a busy day when a friend that cares asks whats wrong. Yeah, I ask for sundays off - or I even asked to work 11 to 4 - because I have a bible study that means a lot to me. Basically, it's the one real day a week. Every other day is what I never wanted it to be. Wake up late, go to school, go to work, go home and stay up too late because I just want a few hours to be an 18 year old. To add to the work and school I am forced into a consumerism based society. It has come to the point where I can't remember what the last three checks I wrote were for or how much. For all I know I might be 50 negative on my account. Not knowing just adds to the stress. Not being able to save money is stressful too. With what I'm being paid, after regular ecpected expenses I'm lucky to save $50 a month. What will I do if my car dies or something. What If it was reasonable thinking that students need to save some money if they intend to move out someday or go on for a masters degree. My parents can't pay for me forever... So that's why I'm emo. Because I don't mind that I cried at work. It worked out for me. They sent me home because it was obvious that I couldn't spend 6 more hours in that place without crying. Heck, I almost cried on the way home. I feel a little better. The assistant manager that sent me home is going to call the manager tonight to work something out. After calling in last sunday and breaking down today it should be obvious that I can't work the hours they are scheduling me on sundays. I asked for 11-4, and she just said, maybe I can give you every other sunday...the company is the most important thing. Did it occur to her that if the employees can't handle it anymore that maybe she could try to let one of the top sales associates have one comprimise with the company before they lose one of their best employees... |
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I was having a really good day after yesterday, untill about ten minutes ago, now I'm sorta pissed off, Im really pissed off. Why is car insurance on a damn 1990 Dodge caravan $160. What the hell. Sons of bitches. Also, they asked what day is good for me to have the $ withdrawn, I said October 21st. I got a letter today saying $160 id due the freaking 16th. I was also led to believe insurance was going to be around $120. Screw Sate Farm, screw people that made it necessary to carry insurance. Im gonna buy a fucking moped, and move somewhere i can drive it all year round. Screw it screw it screw it. I was having an awesome day. God I am gonna cry about this shit. Why is it that I am not allowed to do anything. I wanted to buy a guitar so I could express my thoughts musically. Now what. Im lucky if this paycheck is $200 dollars. Insurance is $160...gas is 40 a weak basically. I already had to take money from savings to get gas before my next paycheck. I swear I don't have a unclaimed capitalist penny to my name anymore. Screw it. I just wann go away. I dont even like school. I just want some freedom from what I've been thrown into. This post is goping to be long... So after high school my world has turned upside down. Before I graduated I had never had a real job, I didn't even have my license, a cell phone, anything. Within two months of graduating I work 20-30 hours a week, pay out so much money that I'm lucky to go get coffe with a friend, I am a slave. This routine is killing me. What good are fridays off of work for me. I dont have money to go anywhere. What do I do if I need new clothes...gonna be fuckin hittin up salvation army, or my dad. He already pays for my school. My Mom and step-dad have their own money issues. How do these people pay for their own school and cars and shit like that. Props to every 18 year old out their making it on their own without stealing or selling drugs. I admire anyone making an honest go at working and paying their way through life, while doing school or having relationships. It's just so crushing...to want to do so many things and to be stopped by such ridiculous things like money or time. Money and time have created a prison, formed bars preventing me from all the things I want to do....taunting me. I cant go on being angry, to the good day. On my break during math I ran into Tony and got his phone number, I was supposed to get back to him to hang some two weeks ago. Tomorrow were going to get coffe at this new place. He also had this friend named Elena who is really cute, and likes al the music I do, and I talked to this girl for only 2 minutes, but restored my faith in the type of girl im looking for. Then at work someone smacked my ass while I was vaccuming - How do you spell vaccuum...vacum... - and It was Megan Obrian!!! And Scott!!! It was so nice to see them again. We traded phone numbers and I guess try to go to a show or a party. Then I drove home listening to Coheed and Cambria...singing along to the vicious lyrics of Devil in Jersey city, and I love it every time. It feel good. Damn car insurance. I wonder if I'm paying comprehensive...I dont need that on a crap 90 Caravan. Oh well. I might just take sleeping pills and call it a night with me and Fevers and Mirrors, or Coheed...or Iron & Wine...or shuffle them all. Well, I dont know how to feel right now. It seems like a victory, or a good day, and it always crashes. Its like beinbg bi-polar...a swing from mania to depression. For most people mild depression wouldnt be that bad. But after being manic, mild depresiion can be serious...and bad depression is asking for trouble. Luckily I love myself too much to want to die, but I really could just give up for a few days. I just want a real break. I want to, go camping or something and be alone. I want to forget about money and obstacles for an hour...a day, whatever I can get. Oh yeah, bi-polar meds that dont work are $15 a month, forgot to factor that in, I think right now my spending is more than my income...and its effecting my outcome... Who will hold me when I feel like this. Who will squeeze my hand on a cold night when taking a walk to see the stars, and just forget about it all, because the moment with her makes everything go away... |
| Okay, I'm good. Have a nice day everyone! |
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No, not UPS. Ups and downs. Today was good as far as any day can be. After Biology I met Tony at Mulligans Coffee Bar. It used to be some dirty old bar, but now it's a good looking place to get coffee and talk. Yeah, it was nice to talk to Tony, he went to school with Kia(sp?) and she was the coffee maker girl. Ummm, went to Mundelein...Joy...thats always fun. Umm, apparently My insurance isn't $160 a month. Theres some lame ass charge for I can't remember why that my mom called and figured out. They were spreading out a $120 charge over three months....few. She going to try to get that changed, or she said she'd pay it. I dont want her to have to do that. I dont think thats fair to her...they already give me so much. I am one 18 year old that is actually thankful to be able to live at home. Yey. Today my American Express card came. Also in the mail was my rejection letter from Discover. I dont even like Discover anyways =P. Anne, no news there. Whatever. Shes fun, and I'd like spend more time with her. But...If I am going to want someone, I want them to want me back....what want means what? Confused? So Yeah. I can only try to call her so many times without hearing back before I get bored. I have so much to say but noone really wants to read boring acounts of the day |
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Mood: like I have a crush, but its not for anybody. Just that kinda feeling of being happy about something I hear: Death Cab....so romantic |
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Don't hold back now. You just triped, you didn't fall. Get back in step, hold my hand. We'll take each step slow. Hand in hand we can do this together. Sleep now. I'm at your side. I keep the darkness away as you lay peacefully, dreaming. You are safe now. Free from the coldness, free from the fear. And when you wake up, don't shield your eyes, because I'm still there. I will keep you warm on the coldest day, and protect you from the fiercest storm. I will kiss away your tears and hold you in my arms. Nothing can hurt you now. Have no fear my love, because together we are safe. Share your secrets, I'll lock them up in my heart, because only you hold the key. You'll see, yes you'll see. I know you will. As I hold you in my arms, you squeeze my hand so hard. Look me in the eye, and you kiss me, and I know it now. You see, yes you see. heres a rough rough rough draft I just wrote. If I ever come up with a melody I will probably do some switching around. But eh, I just wanted to get something written down. Go from there. It's kinda short too, but its all I got right now. |