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deathcab4u's
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| Here's my reasoning |
May 1st, 2006 7:14:08 pm - Subscribe |
| This is just a rant of mine, I needed to blow off some steam, get a few things said. I just want it to be over with, I wish I had never gone there in the first place...Except for the friends, I wish I had never done this. If I had just held my ground I wouldn't be feeling like I am abandoning my family and friends, I just wish it had stayed the same. Now i have to deal with the hurt I am causing those around me. Tonight i have to write a rough draft of my final paper. The topic: What is really real and does god exist? ------------------------------------------------- Don't know if you'll see this Adam, but I am going to write it here until I get to talk to you. I don't appreciate the comment about Brittany going off and screwing another guy. In fact, reading that just FUCKING pissed me off, which is not a good way to initiate a discussion. You don't know her, and to already discredit who she is directly insults me. I love her, and she loves me. Until you know exactly who she is and how amazing she is, you can't EVER say that about her. Damnit Adam, you can miss me and care about me, but the moment anyone insults me or my relationship, I am immediatly going to lose a certain amount of trust and respect. It isn't anybody's business, what my physical relationship is. If you doubt me or my intentions with this young woman, I don't feel it is my fault. If you know me, then know the way I treat women. I don't make decisons so hastily and uninformed as you might be thinking. I don't just state my beliefs based on what feels good at the time, I am not a total hedon. I have felt God, I have felt nothing. I have learned a lot about science, philosophy and life without religion. I have learned a lot about god, Jesus and the message of Christ. What it somes down to is what I feel. I tried it. I didn't even feel comfortable going to bible study, and I don't know why I did, or why I kept going. It was months before I even felt anything "godlike." And even then, I never felt some presence or comfort. The comfort and feelings I gained were from good friends, I needed the bible study and friends. Maybe I needed a god or something to give up control of my life. I have deep and fundamental differences that I believe that just don't and never will match up with the bibles teachings. The earth IS 4.5 billion years old. There IS an extensive fossil record that makes a very convincing case for human evolution. There is more evidence than you could imagine showing evolution and adaptation of all of the species on our planet. I can't drop that. I can't ignore that. I didn't know god for my entire life. Then I did know god, but did I really? What is real? Is god a projection? At one point I lost that feeling or projection, overnight, and for no apparent reason. For a few years, maybe jsut one, I was absolutely undeniably devoted to being an athiest. I jsut didn't care about christianity, buddhism, Islam, I didn't care about anyone's god ot their take on it. I went into that bible study open minded, maybe even hoping that i did meet a savior or allmighty being. Maybe I thought i did at times. But it has died again. I don't feel completely distatched. I still have many good friends that are christians. I love them. There comes a point where I just don't feel right anymore. When I pray, I mean those things, but I'm not really lifting it up to a god, and that makes me feel shitty. It feels wrong to say those things anymore. I can't do it, I care about you guys to the point where i don't want to fake a prayer for you. I may have tried to pray 10 times max while I was a part of bible study. I never felt anything while trying to pray outside of bible study either. Doesn't it seem wrong to try and try to hear a voice in your head? If I can't hear the voices in my head without trying hard and long is that my fault? I am sorry to hurt my friends. I only feel guilty that I even tried. Why did I try to "find god" just to please my family? It wasn't fair to me or them. and reading that comment you left again just keeps pissing me off. WHAT THE FUCK would make you say that about Brittany. Fuck that, I can't handle that, that's the most bullshit I have ever read, you doubt me so much as to make that mistake again. Be upset at my beliefs, but don't fuck with my relationship. If you can't say something nice...then shut the hell up. I care about you, but if I read that line one more time I think I might lose it. |
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(3) comments |
| anonymous |
May 01st, 2006 |
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| I love you Ross. Brittany is a wonderful person, and we both know that. Don't let anyone try to change what you believe, no one but you should have that power. And silly things like that shouldn't bother you, because the people that really matter are the ones that know the truth. ^ ^ I love you dear, and I always look forward to talking with you, so you better come to me if you have any problems. I mean it. Love you. Alyssa |
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| warlock |
May 01st, 2006 |
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| it sucks man.... ive been in the same situation before...yeah it sucks when a girl you really/totally liked tends to put you in that friends zone and yet you get to hang out and shit and then fuck here she goes out with another dude...man this really blows.well time to get EMO put on your damn BRIGHT EYES or MATCHBOOK ROMANCE cd and weep like a dog...lol.. nahhh... if i were you id be like listenin to "die romantic,romantic.." (aiden) check those guys out... |
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adam |
May 01st, 2006 |
| Then, please dont read it again.... I guess im not but human as well as every one else. I snapped, I got angry... You've told me so many great things about this girl, and i believe them... and I have been sincerely happy for you since you've been with her... you know that. I'm sorry, though I guess you don't have to forgive me... I don't know... Seems like the other guys would always bring you down about things, and it quite frankly pissed me off.... Why always rag on the way you do things? I never saw anything too wrong about it, and what makes anyone else right? nothing... If ever there was a time when someone asked me who I felt was one of my closest friends, you would be the first Id mention... Your a real person Ross, your always real with the way you feel..... I love that about you. And I respect you for that in this situation... but I still dont agree with you. And its not just me not agreeing with your statements about religion, but I dont agree that you didnt have God. He was there for you, he was real for you... I know it, I was there with you during some of the times. I will never no matter what you tell me believe that God was unatainable and unreachable for you. You know me, alot more than alot of people do... you know how sincerely I feel about God, and about his unconditional love for me and you.... I will never change in that way. I still want that for you, I still know God wants that for you.. and even if you never come back to him...I am at least glad you got to be with him... got to feel is love, and dont tell me you didnt! If you ever feel loved by any of us... then you feel loved by him! I feel so helpless right now... I dont know what to do.... I dont want to lose you.... |
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