 I missed every bus and hit every stoplight today. I walked all the way home in thin soled shoes. My reflection in the piss puddles looked haggard. I drank too much water and peed my pants a little before I made it home. I had the wrong keys. It reminded me of the time I lost control at Disneyland, just outside Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. I can never find a bathroom when I need it. Why did I ever get toilet trained in the first place? What a fucking waste of time. |
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There's something about putting on a fresh pair of panties that just turns everything around. Nice and toasty. |
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In a pivotal moment in"My Dinner with Andre", Wallace Shawn defined happiness as "waking up and finding that the cold cup of coffee you left out the night before doesn't have a roach in it, so you sit down and you drink the sludge". Wallace Shawn may be even more depressed than I am. This morning the smell of whiskey and coke pervaded my bedroom. I poured myself a stiff one last night, but couldn't bring myself to drink it. I was too depressed to get drunk. Maybe it will be waiting for me when I get home, flat, syrupy, and if I am really lucky, a fly or two may have struggled, given up the ghost and and be floating, an image of my despair, on the sticky surface. If that is the case, I will drink it. |
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"when you are unhappy in love you forget to turn the oven on." -some old french fart in "Sabrina" Forget about turning the oven on. My pilot's not even lit. That's the problem with these gas models. Anybody got a match? If only I were electric. I used to be an Easybake--all I needed was a lightbulb and I'd be cookin'. No lightbulbs pop over my head. The thought balloon sags empty. I can't incandesce. |
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When a girl doesn't have a father figure, she fantasizes about various substitues. Some of the men I fixated on as a child were: the original male cast of Saturday Night Live Steve Martin--funky Tut Chevy Chase--daddy Griswold John Belushi--Samurai Papa? Bill Murray--wry, sweet, could dispatch scary ghosts I am still in love with Bill Murray. He should have fucked Scarlett Johansen in the "Lost in Translation" movie. Every girl with a daddy fixation (you hear me, Sofia? You know you have one, too!) needed to see that happen. What a tease. I would've stalked John Belushi, but he died. Burt Reynolds. So virile. Bill Cosby. So rich and tender. Kenny Rogers--burly and bearded, and he could sing me to sleep The Fonz...because he was so nice to "Cupcake" Now I am attracted to anyone who reminds me of Henry Winkler. |