For the past few months I've been irritated that my personal plans had to take a back seat to take in to consideration uprising tele-novela de familia scenarios; discovery of (not-really) terminal illness, grief over unborn angels, forcible resolution of decade-long conflicts (petty imo), and biting reality which reminds us of life's harshness and the extent of man's cruelty.
Not that I'm insensitive or plain-out heartless. It's just that the last couple of years has made me numb -- unable to feel for the most part. I always thought it was just disillusionment of an idealistic girl who didn't know any better. But further self-rumination led me to conclude that I really am no longer capable of feeling emotions that come easily for most people... except probably for loath. And for that I could only place the blame on the Devil that wears
Majority of the emotions that persists to rule me is my hatred for the LV-wearing devil. Loath of monumental proportions that resulted to my *near* self-destruction. I know that I don't want to die with that much hatred inside of me. But continued living for me has been summed up under 3 conditions:
It may seem too psychotic, but the scarier part is that all options have been weighed by me, with the 3rd one being the most feasible and acceptable. My reasoning behind the choice? It's a bigger sin to kill another person than to take your own life. Of course the statement is debatable. But I refuse to argue. So SUE me.
I wanted this to be my avatar:
But I later found out that aeonity avis are supposed to be 50x50 pixels only.
I forgot where I got this. >.< I think it's from some site that provides free myspace icons and layouts.
Every once in a while I revert to my old self and become like any ordinary girl. Emotions which have long departed me, pay a visit to tug at my anaesthesized heart; passing through all the barricades and walls I've put up to keep intruders away. And seeing as how my heart has forgone it's essential function, my reactions on these certain days are intensified and I feel very much vulnerable.
I'm still wallowing over Jason's reappearance. I want to see him again but I also don't. Maybe I want to see him without his new girl so we can talk, then maybe I can pretend to be a good 'acquaintance' and tell him *through gritted teeth* that I'm happy that he's happy and I only wish them happiness. Though all this happy-ness makes me want to puke.
Note to self: You're not yet ready for another close-encounter with the 'lovely' couple. *Puke*
Anyhoo, the wallowing continues... I soo wanted to cry my eyes out the very second that Jason and *she-who-must-not-be-named* walked out the door. But I had to attend to the people who kept arriving. These people didn't have a care whatsoever that my ice-cold heart had just shattered to a million pieces. No one wanted to help me clean up the mess.
After about an hour, I was finally given the chance to feel my pain. My tested way of handling problems: drowning all my sorrows away.
I asked my cousin to join me but I guess she had more productive things to do. Although she told me:
...It's good to drink from time to time. Drinking [alcohol] helps heal the wounds we have inside of us.
I wasn't sure if she was kidding or not, but what she said reminded me of an old schoolmate.
GF#1: Did you know that too much alcohol can cause cancer.
And now, I'm freezing my butt off, typing with puffy eyes, while my world slowly spins out of axis... hoping that all the alcohol I've consumed will quickly heal my wounded heart.
I got home from work about an hour ago and I'm still feeling tired. Work wasn't tiring, though it will be starting tomorrow. The holidays are almost near and there's just so many gifts to wrap.
Everyone was buzzing and cheery. Not my mood lately. The place seemed like a bee hive. Blah.
Don't get me wrong. I
My only complain is that it's mind-numbing. I guess it's not enough that my heart is already numb. I can't feel my hands anymore and it's not even winter yet.
I'm sick and tired of thinking and whining about him. I mean seriously -- I've just had about enough of Jason-related thoughts for today, but they just won't quit. I'm going crazy. Don't worry Ryu-chang, you're not alone. I was also in my own world the entire day, walking the land of broken dreams, looking for my broken heart. >.<
I'm going out a little later with the family. KARAOKE!!! I love it!! This may just be the break I desperately need. Cos all work and no play makes me a dull-er girl.
There's nothing else to write about. I'm just a broken record. Floating. Here. There. Nowhere.