for a moment, she isnt scared...
Date: Dec 27th, 2005 9:14:10 pm - Subscribe
Mood: argumentative

so its been a while. nothing too new. i broke up with seth about 2 weeks ago. hes cool and everything, i just didnt really feel a connection. and that kenney guy is cool, but i just really wanna be single for awhile so i can get to know guys better before i go out with them. i think thats wat my problem has been with alot of them.

so yeah, christmas wasnt as crappy this year as it normally is. i wasnt into it at all though. it like it was just a normal day with nothing to do as usual. i got a broken ipod. that was nice. i took it back though and got another one. so its cool now.

i dont have much to say, but i havent been on in so long, and i kinda missed writing blogs. it was really good for gettin all my stuff out.

oh well. i guess i can just get used to this again.

ohh i have pictures!

only a few... but oh well.

ok so yeah... thats all.

bye love. <3
blah.: (1)

shes beautiful, as usual, with bruises on her ego...
Date: Dec 11th, 2005 12:35:44 am - Subscribe
Mood: warm

i hate christmas. its the worst holiday of all holidays! its stupid and pointless. i know alot of people are like freakin out here now just cuz its like jesus's bday or w/e... but i dont really care. i mean its not like i dont care about jesus... i just dont like christmas. bad things always happen around christmas. i dont think ive had a "good" christmas in years. ever since i can remember, ive had sucky christmas's.

2004: parents almost split up.
2003: grandfather (the most important person in the world to me) died.
2002: brother (2nd most important) tried to kill himself.
2001: other grandfather died.
2000: huge family fight over drugs in the family.
1999: uncle died of cancer.
1998: grandmother died.

yeah so thats why im always depressed and mad around christmas. so anyone thats reading this that ive cussed out or yelled at lately, im really sorry! most of u, i really dont mean it. like kevin, i went off on u a few weeks ago for no reason, and im incredibly sorry about that! and parker, even though u did cheat on me, im sorry for cussin u out... 3 times. and tanner, im sorry for goin off on u yesterday. and anyone else i really cant think of at the moment.

anyways to change the subject. seth and i are dewin pretty good. hes really cool. hes not really my type, and i like him and everything, but u know when u like someone alot, but u just dont know if u really wanna go out with them? or u think someone is cool... but u just dont like them enough to have a relationship with them? yeah so thats how i am with seth. i think i might break up with him.

i met this new guy. well hes not really new. turns out we went to the same elementary skool. i never knew him i dont think. but anyways his name is kenney. hes really cool. he was supposed to meet me and some friends at the parade earlier tonight but he said he couldnt. so yeah. im not gonna do anything with him until me and seth break up. i dont like cheaters and i dont like cheating. (hint hint someone!!!) lol but yeah so kenneys cool. i wanna get to know him better.

so yeah thats all on my update on life for now. i may be back soon. ill try to start updating soon. later loves. <3
blah.: (0)

shes the one that makes it feel like home...
Date: Dec 3rd, 2005 11:05:27 pm - Subscribe
Mood: pure
music: \"so peter, you\'ve...\" by the scene asthetic

wow so its been a long while. alot has changed in me. ive become... i guess u could say... a bitch to some people. like kevin. i totally told him off last week. it felt really good too. then i felt bad afterwards. he imed me tonight and we talked through everything. were ok now... i guess. so yeah ive been though some boys. i went out with this guy parker. he was alright i guess. he was alot more of my type then alot of other boys i go out with. he was pretty like punkish and stuff. he was goin out with this girl for like 9 months then he told me he broke up with her. well basically i wentout with him for about a week until i found out he never broke up with nicole! he thought it was ok since me and nicole went to different skools... well he was wrong! my good friend ernie and nicole are friends. anyways now im with this guy seth. hes really cool. ive known him for awhile but i never thought about him like in a bf kinda way. i started to like him when i was with parker... then when me and parker broke up... seth asked me out. i said yeah and i got to know him alot better and i found out that hes soooo funny and soooo cool! anyways yeah so were together and have been for about 2 weeks. wow so yeah my mom dyed my hair last night. its BLACK! i dont want it to be black! when i was all gothic and stuff i wanted black hair... but not now! the only good thing about it is that it makes my eyes look bright green. anyways yeah so i think thats about all for now. i might start updating more... but im not sure. im super busy these days. <3
blah.: (0)

boys and boys should be together... girls and girls could rule the world...
Date: Nov 7th, 2005 7:24:51 pm - Subscribe
Mood: \"lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking off her pants\" by Panic! at the Disco

yeah so... i pretty much broke my foot.

when i was at emilys yesterday, i tripped and fell in a hole when we were playing hide and seek. well it was all blue and swollen and then i went to skool today. bad idea. i triped goin up the east building steps and i hurt my foot even more. i finally got home and propped my foot up and my mom took me to the doctor. i fractured my foot just enough to not get a cast. it sucks. i dont really want a cast but i dont want a gay brace either. so yeah i have a stupid boot brace thingy. at least its black so it wont like look too bad.

on the bright side of all this, kenny said that if my parents wouldnt take me to the doctor today, he would come get me and take me. he wants me to go to the movies with him thursday night or friday. i think maybe were gonna hang out all day friday since its a cool holiday. its gonna rock. but yeah so today he helped me get to 4th period since i couldnt go downstairs easily. he was so late to his 4th period class but he said he didnt care. i kissed him on the cheek when he was about to leave and he was about to kiss me but the stupid vp mr. hawkins came up and was like "KIDS! WAT ARE U DEWIN IN THE HALL AFTER THE BELL RANG?!" but yeah so kenny had to go to class and so did i. oh well. maybe somethin cool will happen this weekend. well yeah so i guess that about it. ya know... its gonna be really hard to go to play rehearsals for "Arsenic and Old Lace" with only one good foot! this sucks majorly! <3
blah.: (0)

insert depressing song quote here
Date: Nov 6th, 2005 9:35:47 pm - Subscribe
Mood: mixed
music: \"screaming infedelities\" by dashboard confessional

yeah so the past few days have been different. im still single and it sucks. i miss having a bf, having the comfort that knowing someone was there for u at all times. i really like kenny. i think he likes me too but he hasnt really done anything. he asked me out for last sunday to go play paintball with him cuz i said i wanted to play paintball. stuff came up so i couldnt go. i really wanted to though! but anyways he asked me to go with him to the movies thiss weekend but i was like super busy all weekend again so i couldnt. i think we might go next weekend though. not really anything else has happened. friday i went to see johns play at AHS and he was sooooo good! it was funny as crap! me, emily, brit, and john hung out afterwards. he took us to starbucks at like 11 and stayed there untl 1 when they closed then we just drove around. he got pulled over for curfew violation... but luckily the cop was my neighbor so we got off. so he took us all back to my house and fell asleep in my room. my parents came in yellin yesterday morning cuz he was asleep in my room. he was on the floor and me, em, and brit were on the bed. but yeah so he left and i went and got a dress for moonlight that night. talk about last minute. so i went to moonlight with matt, emily, and cam. it was a pretty fun night. we went midnight bowling afterwards and had a blast. then i had to wake up super early this morning to go to a walk the thespians were doing for somethin. i was there for a few hours until we could leave and me, emily, hunter, and erin went to Hunans Palace for lunch. it was sooooo good. but yeah so after that we went to ems and hung out for awhile and played a bunch of old stupid games like simon says and follow the leader with her brother. so then i came home and got in trouble again for not putting my glass in the dishwasher when i put it in the sink. geez i swear i get in trouble for the stupidest things here! its crazy! <3
blah.: (0)

u were the last good thing about this part of town...
Date: Nov 1st, 2005 10:49:15 pm - Subscribe
Mood: feverish
music: \"Where is your boy tonight?\" by fall out boy

wow so its been forever since ive updated! sorry for those actually interested in my crappy life! so not alot has changed. im still single... i think this has been the longest time ive been single for a long time. i kinda like this guy at my school... hes really cute and sweet and funny... but i dunno. have u ever liked someone and u kinda wanted to go out with them... but u kinda dont?! i dunno. i kinda like bein single though! anyways so we finally got roadrunner downloaded today so that means i dont have crappy aol and i can do all this cool stuff that i never could with aol! this is gonna be kind of a short blog cuz i dont really know wat all to say. me and my friend hatley worked at the haunted forest friday night and i was walkin through it cuz we were guides and tyler jumped out from behind a tree and carried me off. we made out for a while cuz hes so hot and we were bored but then he carried me back to the front so we could get some hot chocolate (it was freezing!) and he triped over a stump and dropped me on my ankle and i sprang my ankle! then i went to an awesome party saturday and has a kickass time with all my friends! then i fell off the hay ride when i was tryin to get off cuz matt was helpin me get off and i stepped in between 2 bails of hay and i just tumbled off! so now i think i broke my left foot... it hurts sooooo bad to walk on it and i have a brace on it but it feels like crap! anyways yeah so im goin to see johns play friday and im goin to Moonlight (my schools fall formal) saturday with chris. its gonna be awesome! the only problem is that me and chris are just friends and brit likes chris and he likes her... and i like kenny and kenny likes me... but kenny thinks me and chris are goin out! did that confuse anyone? sorry if it did! just re read it a few times and ull get it! ok so im kinda tired and i got school so im gonna get some sleep! <3
blah.: (1)

i want to save you... save me too...
Date: Oct 16th, 2005 8:41:29 pm - Subscribe
Mood: crappy!

last night was cool. today sucked. evens out i guess!

last night was fun! my friend john just got his license so he came over to get me and emily and we went to the skate park to meet some people up there. we got there and of course i didnt know anyone! so i got to hang out by myself all night while em and john made out and hung with their friends! i was sittin up on one of the ramps listenin to this band when this hot guy comes over and sits next to me and we start talking. his name was jacob and he was soooooo hot! hes tall and hes shaggy curly brown hair. well were talkin for a while and we eventually makin out and he asked for my number and i gave it to him. hes nice and all but i think i just wanna stay off of guys for a while. im gonna put all i have into gettin the guy i want... not just gettin random guys. i want this particular guy! so anyways john took us back to his house after the park and he tried to teach me and em how to skateboard... and lets just say im marking pro boarder off my list! if i put one foot on and then pushed off and got on that way... it worked. he taught em how to run and jump on... and he tried to teach me and the 1st time i actually tried... the board kept goin and my feet went with it... but my butt and my back found the ground... hard! it sucked! then i got on and he pushed me... then i fell again as soon as he let go! it sucked. my wrist is hurtin pretty bad... but oh well.

so this morning my mom comes in and yells at me for john not bringin me home until 2am. i dunno how she found out... but she did! so i got in trouble for that... then she got mad cuz i had a picture on her comp that said FUCK YOU. my mom has been yellin at me for stupid stuff all day! it sucks! someone please save me!!!
blah.: (0)

I hope you\'re doing fine out there without me...
Date: Oct 12th, 2005 11:31:36 pm - Subscribe
Mood: clueless

utter confusion has completely taken over.

stupidness! i wrote a long blog a few days ago explaining wat went on... and i forgot to put a title and it deleted it. it sucked. so basically before i get to the confusion part... ill lead up to that. so like monday robby came and picked me up and said we needed to talk. we drove down to the park and he pused me in the swings and stuff. it was sweet. i asked him why he needed to talk and he said we wanted to just sit with me and enjoy some time together before we talked. it kinda confused me but i was like "alright." well later we went back and sat on the back of the truck and he proceeded to tell me that he had to break up with me cuz his ex wanted to get back with him. his exact words were "im sorry jess, i like u, but i love roxanna." and i was like "then why did u tell me u loved me?!" and he was like "i dunno... i thought thats wat u wanted to hear!" and that made me so mad. so apparently i didnt like robby... i liked who he was when he was dewin wat he thought i wanted him to. how gay!

ok so the next part...

i cant really describe it. i like this guy, hes really sweet and hes crazy at the same time. he doesnt always say the right thing and ive come to find out that proves that hes honest... not just tryin to put up a front or something. hes really nice, hes kinda shallow but then again... arent most guys? well i really like him. ive seen him at his high points and low points, and i wanna be there for him. u know... sometimes i think hes interested and sometimes i think hes not. like there was this one thing that made me think "hey... maybe i have a chance" like we were talkin online one day and he mentioned something that was so sweet and it made me so happy... it wasnt like a compliment or anything, he just said that he was really nervous to talk to me but then theres times that hes talkin about other girls and stuff and im thinkin "maybe i dont have a chance." hes way out of my league and weve talked about some things before that fits in to my circumstance with him and i really dont think it would ever happen. i really want him. i think about him all the time. like the other night, my friends bf was bein so sweet to her and later that night when they got off the phone, she didnt shutup about him for the next 8 hours and then another 6 the next day... and the whole time she was talkin... i was ignoring her and thinkin about this guy. i dont wanna come out and be like "hey, guess wat! im in love with u!" but i dont wanna ignore it anymore. i guess u could say ive been in love with him for about 4 or 5 months... i know ive had bfs and stuff between that time but it was all just tryin to cover up my feelings. i dont like having to cover things up... but i dont wanna be so open with this subject. ive thrown out hints like crazy... but i just need to accept the fact that its never gonna happen... right? right... <3
blah.: (1)

everything u hear is misunderstood...
Date: Oct 8th, 2005 2:13:16 am - Subscribe
Mood: angelic

robby never came over last night. i didnt want him to anyways. i called him and told him not to since i was sick. he seemed kinda upset... but he said it was ok. he had to work today so we couldnt hang out... even though i wanted to so bad! he came over after work and we went drivin around for about an hour. he was late to practice so i went with him. his band sounds so good! it was kinda boring after awhile... cuz i had to sit around and wait for like 2 hours. they finally finished and robby, me, jacob, and dillon went to the lake and sat around and talked. i didnt jave my bathing suit so i just sat around and watched all the guys jumpin in the lake. then out of no where... they all 3 ran at me and picked me up and threw me in the lake! i was so mad... but it was funny at the same time! luckily robby had extra clothes in his truck so he gave me a shirt to wear. me and robby just sat up on the hil watchin dillon and jacob try to drown eachother. it was so funny! robby and me finally went back to my house and we hung out there for a while. emily came over and we got so bored that we actually played Hippie Monopoly! it was so funny! i was the 1st one out... but i knew i was gonna be! i suck at games! so robby went home around like 9ish and emily left about 11ish. ive been so bored ever since! anyways i guess thats it for now! later loves! <3

blah.: (0)

get ready... cuz here i come...
Date: Oct 6th, 2005 9:04:04 pm - Subscribe
Mood: useless
music: \"self depressant\" by 7 $ sox

last night was... magical! wow... i dunno how i can top it! well robby came over at about 10:15 last night... and he was really angry. he was tryin to hide it but i could tell. he came in my window and i asked him to take me somewhere. he said yeah so we got in his truck and i told him where to go. we got kinda lost... but it didnt really matter where we went... as long as it was out in the country. we finally stopped. i brought a big sheet with us and he brought his acoustic guitar... cuz he takes it with him everywhere he goes and we walked for about 10 minutes and finally found a good spot to lay down. i layed the blanket out and i layed down and looked at the stars. it was so pretty. he got out his guitar and started to play "you and me" by lifehouse. it was the sweetest thing ever! after he finished playin, he layed down next to me and we started to make out. well we got pretty close... like i took his shirt off and he took mine off and my shorts... so all i was wearing was a cami and my boy shorts. i was totally gonna go all the way... but he stopped me. he told me he loved me but he didnt wanna go all the way yet. i really think i love him. hes the sweetest person ever... and i cant get enough of him. i ended up falling asleep in his arms, and i woke up in my room the next morning. there was a note by my bed that said i fell asleep and he drove me home and put me in my bed and everything. isnt that sweet?! most guys would just wake me up and tell me to walk back to the car! anyways he had to work today so i havent got to see him... but hes comin over again tonight... im really tired and ive been sick all day so i think were jut gonna hang out here tonight. oh well. im gonna head out. later loves. <3
blah.: (1)

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