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Idek. Nikki Re just got through to being on Come Dine With Me on the week of 12th Feb next year. Should be interesting. What is it with people I went to school with and reality TV? Dee's family also got onto Wife Swap in 2005, which was hilarious, especially her mother's singing. Ahh. |
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| I love sleep because it's like being dead; except without the commitment. |
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 It's safe to say i've been away, and no longer will I return. So long good friend, you have served me well. |
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deathcab4u
must write Apr 2nd, 2011 4:15:43 pm - Subscribe
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in times of serious crazies i tend to throw an entry down on my old friend, Aeonity. the sparse manic entries that i scribble i miss writing, i want to write must write I recently subjected myself to an ordeal of patience, compassion and enlightenment. "Be careful what you wish for," or some variation of the proverb. Enlightenment whooped my ass. Exhausted physically and mentally. Stability has been a day to day, hour to hour mystery. Anxiety can strike like those expensive military drones. A missile of fast breath, tight chest and confusion. I think anxiety is a respectable opponent. A dirty weapon, not to be underestimated. Those peddling fear know the power of anxiety. Fortunately, though, fear is hollow. Pushed back by the flame of a pure heart. Shattered by the piercing blow of sharp intellect. Softened by compassion. Defeated with patience. Outwitted by simplicity. Fear has no place in my life, cast aside with hope. Neither have substance, and I will not cling to either. |
aleaffalls
Medical School Dropout? Jan 18th, 2011 11:52:09 pm - Subscribe
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Lately, there have been a lot of discussion surrounding an article written by Amy Chua in the Wall Street Journal entitled "Why Asian Mothers Are Superior". This article, along with many other factors, has made me rethink the career path that I'm on. I always tell my friends, "Don't choose a career because of the money or because you want somebody other than yourself to be proud of you." But... have I not been taking to my own advice this whole time? With each day that pass, I find that I lose the motivation and drive to attend class, study, or put in any effort. But school is expensive. Four years of undergrad and four more years of medical school. So far, I have $42,000 worth of debt. By the time I finish, I will have accumulated a total of $150,000 - not including interest. That is a scary amount; I can't bring myself to think about it. Of course, money isn't the reason I'm questioning myself. I guess the main cause of my doubt is that I don't feel like I am learning in medical school. I went to class, studied, and did everything I needed to. But when people ask me a question pertaining to something I learned 3 months ago, my mind goes blank. Heck, if they ask something about what I learned last week, I don't know. Isn't that a scary thought? That a medical student, someone who will eventually have a huge impact on your life, can't retain any information? If I were anyone else, I wouldn't want me to be their doctor, or a doctor at all. How am I supposed to save people and think on my toes when I can barely remember to water my plant or pay my credit card bills. I have a deep desire to help people, to make an impact, to leave a lasting impression. But am I meant to do that by being a doctor? There are plenty of careers out there that does that on a daily basis! Nurses, teachers, even event planners! I have spent my whole life with my head in the books, studying and trying hard to make my parents proud. When I applied to medical school, I told myself that I was doing it because its what I wanted, not because of my parents. But now I'm not so sure. I feel like I'm in the movie Inception and I am doing something that I don't want to do, but don't know it. There are two scenarios that could possibly be my future. 1. I keep on going with medical school. Graduate in 3 years. Do my residency for say... 5 years. I'd be 30 then. Work hard to pay of my debt, which, by then, would probably be in the $170,000 - $200,000 ballpark due to interest. How long would that take me to pay off? Five to seven years if I'm very diligent and still live like a poor college student. Lets say it takes me 6 years, by then, I'll be 36. Still young enough to go back to school and do something else? Possibly. But what if I quit now? So here goes scenario #2. I drop out and am $42,000 in debt. I take my Microbiology degree and get a lowly lab tech job that pays no more than $30,000 a year. It'd take my (minus living expenses + interest) ~7 years to pay off my debt. What then? I'd always dream of owning my own business of... whatever. But what money would I use to do that? The ones growing in my tree in my backyard? Unlikely! So I guess the real question is: Can one be happy in a career they don't think is meant for them that is time-consuming but also rewarding? |
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you's like hulk with just a little bulk and might i say, quite the looker. never cheated, never been in a fight, never slept with a hooker. you're funny, you're annoying, you're quirky, you're charming.. you always open the door and pick up things from the floor..its usually coz i drop stuff..BUTTTT.. i get a sneak at your bum while you reach for that sum' that i dropped coz i'm clum..sy NICE ASS,weeshi i never have to pick up anything around you, it's amusing i know you's got my back, cut me some slack i don't mean to be mean. not always. you don't think i'm fat, you think i'm jiggly. that doesn't makes sense but i think you're silly. i love it you's fashown, you's a bodyguard, you's my closet geek! i teach you UFC and cars, you teach me shoes and casual chic you're so gay sometimes. the way you treat me is now how i think girls should be treated. girls crush on you left and right and yet, you're not conceited! i feel like i one upped and level completed! lakers rule and miami? DEFEATED, sucka! but seriously..i never knew a guy could be this good to me..haha! ME: oh fuck, life sucks... then LADY LUCK!! aaaaand KABOOM! *&!@&!?? WISH GRANTED! i have you with your eyes all slanted, with the L bomb planted, and i couldn't stand it! you came running all outta breath and panted (idk if thats a word) and i thought to myself.."yup..he just landed.." ..nailed it! then came my L bomb. it may have not been the most graceful way to drop that on you, neither was it at the most appropriate of times but cameron diaz in my best friend's wedding said.. "If you love someone... you say it, right then, out loud. Otherwise... the moment just passes you by." yup i quoted my best friend's wedding. now don't go all macho! stop pretending. you liked that movie, didn't you, ya big ol'softy? my heart is yours please take care of it. it's been broken many times before but hell it's got quite the fight in it. it's a good one, i swear. you think i look like a care bear. you're a sasquatch with no happy trail. WORD TO THE WISE.. (you think i'm weird. i don't mind. you haven't seen half of it, my concubine) you gotta look at the world in different perspectives! binoculars are fun, ain't it? we can sit around and spy on the neighbors again! my world is kaleidoscopes and rock shows. dreams of the parthenon, sex, and snow! pantera, alanis, cudi, barry freakin' manilow! i see colors that have never been made and imagine songs that have never been played gotta mix it up,babyboo! you'll be surprised with what i'ma get ya to do HONESTY GAME!! I love you like i've loved you forever. Its an amusement park when we're together. Yes, i do mean to "accidentally" brush up against you in public. Its quite a thrill for me when i get away with it. HAHA! You're my definition of a sweetheart and i hate when we're a part. you've turned me into such a HUGE sap, you like me sitting on your lap, you're so adorable in a cap, i love when you rap (you memorize every goddamn word), you got me walking into your traps and i get so peeved coz your jokes are lame and I LOVE YOU! you're the best i ever had, sugarballs. as a little girl, i made a wish on a star to find someone special. i plan on keeping you love,.. |
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things have changed. it's been so long since i actually took time to read my previous entries. i have been quite the drama queen, haven't i? i didn't intend to keep writing here actually. i wanted to close the book on this. I guess i'm too attached haha! so much has changed since my last few entries..which were written so long ago. i kinda like the idea of writing letters as entries. from now on, this is how i'm going to write. feelings that i do let out on this blog are directed at certain people anyway so it only makes sense.. plus it's fun for me haha! so..for the very last time that you will be mentioned this way.. for you, my forever.. i loved you. please don't get that wrong or forget that i did. i did more than i knew i was ever capable of loving someone..i believed in you. sometimes, for someone to believe in themselves, others must believe in you first. i'm still glad i did.. i did everything i could to make you happy. it took you breaking my heart one last time before i understood that i, too, deserve to be happy. i was so mad at you. how could you? how could you leave me like that? you've left me before sure..but like that? really? call me dense but i still do not see how you were capable of such given all the years under our belt..and you knew how crazy i was about you..you got complacent..i'm a strong girl, stronger than a lot i know, but wow..did i let you walk all over me..i let you get away with way too much.. you were good to me when you were. i was so in love with you that every bad thing that did happen would quickly be overshadowed by something good.. i didn't care. i was too into the whole idea of our black comedy, our insane dynamic that people would take stabs at but i didn't care.. i didn't care that your temper was terrible.. i didn't care when you were unreasonable.. i didn't care when you would never apologize.. all i cared about was that i was yours and you were mine. so i thought. i know loyalty is rare nowadays. i know i've had my conquests but..while we weren't together, that's the difference. it doesnt excuse me but we were on break when drummer boy happened. an indefinite one.. last year, with mr. bigtime lawyer? man, i didn't even think we had any chance for reconciliation then. both guys, i manage to tell you about when we did decide to work it out. you never asked me what went on and i'm glad you respected my.. privacy? (damn, i dont know if that's even the right term for it)..but you?..you never mentioned squat, love.. it also seemed to slip your mind that when you did have your escapades and whatnot, i was still your girlfriend..i don't even know how many there are.. i felt so stupid when i found out. i felt so..ugly..so insufficient..you knew how sensitive i was after you went for the cheerio.. you saw how much that hurt me.. 'til this very day, that is the worst beating my heart has ever taken.. and honey, i have an intense father..but you take the cake. (i'm glad i choose to write this now. the entries before this were pretty violent, i'm glad they're made private. it's not something i'd want people to see.) i'm not mad anymore. i'm not indifferent. if anything and despite everything, i miss you.. i know that you wouldn't be up for making friends anytime soon especially given how everything turned out but hey, you are and always will be a big part of my life. i grew with you. it just.. didn't work out.. i honestly think i was more surprised than you were..i mean, you left me, sweets..and a lot..i never did..and i'd chase you no fail..so imagine my shock, when my love for you just..disappeared..i stopped chasing. it all happened so unexpectedly. i do want to apologize for having hurt you. you tired me out, dear..i was outta gas. i couldn't even if i tried. but i did for a bit if you recall, you just kept pushing me away. i didn't find someone new right away. you seemed much more over me than i was with you..then things started happening for me and..twas gone..just like that.. QUOTES TIME "relationships are like glass. sometimes it's better to leave them broken than hurt yourself trying to put it back together." i never really got that quote. i was always so "if you're not willing to risk it all, you don't want it bad enough" but i did, ed.. i risked it all for you over and over. and then i had nothing left. i was out.. and then..i found someone who nursed me back to life. i'm so sorry that it stings as much as it does. believe me, i know how it feels. but please...please understand..you said you do but i don't know for certain..i'd rather you not do that whole "i deserve this. i was bad to you" bull..it's not that..you're making it sound like i went for it to spite you..it just wasn't meant to be anymore..i'm so sorry.. i wanna be your friend. i've talked to people. i've had mixed feelings towards my wanting to be your friend but the way i see it, you have to forgive to forget and you have to forget to feel again..i was so mad at you. i wanted to remain mad at you but i can't na..i realized how irrelevant my anger was whenever my wish made me smile..my weesh..and he makes me smile a lot. i'm happy..i've forgiven you..i'm not forgetting what you did but i'm forgetting every pain i ever went through with you..its a clean slate.. you don't apologize a lot..but i'm glad you did that last time..it meant a lot to me..i believe you're sincere..we can and should be friends..we've seen it in the past, we make awesome friends..i wouldn't want that to go to waste..clean slate,man.. and yes, i've been happy. you told me that that's all you could hope for for me. and i am.. and i guess i'm glad you're never going to be able to read this because i think i owe a lot of who i am to you. that may sound so -for lack of a better term- kupal but i mean it. you made me stronger..you made me smarter..i know now how big my heart can be..i am not conceited..i don't go off with that whole "ang haba ng hair ko" shit but i know, ed, malaki puso ko..mahaba pasensya ko..hindi na ako papayag na aabusuhin ako ng taong minamahal ko.. now..i'm not in a rush to be your friend again, ok? i just wish you knew. i really really do. you aren't allowing me to speak to you so this is as close as i can get to letting you know my sentiments.. i will always love you, you know..you were my first love. i wish you all the best..i know how amazing you can be as well!! but your amazing wasn't for me anymore..you will make a girl very very happy one day, i'm sure of it  the girl you will love the way i loved you will be the girl that changes your life. and you will find her. i know it. love, .. |
broknangel
The Truth. Jun 27th, 2010 4:36:43 am - Subscribe
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This is the truth. My life hasn't been an easy one. In everything I've struggled, and at every turn I come under the scrutiny of my family. The judgement. Why am I not better than who I am? The truth? They couldn't handle. The people I've lived with. The things I've dealt with? Sometimes even I don't even want to know. I stopped "Living" at home when I was about 15. Everything I owned was still there, but I had license, and friends, and things with my family were going downhill. So i just stopped living there. It started with staying at a mates. for two or three weeks at a time. Sometimes more. I would come home for a week, and go away for four. I suppose it didn't help that I had quit school. I turned 16. I got a job, and a car. I started housesitting. My grandparents went away when my grandfather was having chemo. I housesat. For six months. Bought my own food. etc. Everything. I guess I got the taste. By 16 I was a regular smoker, and I certainly wasn't a stranger to alcohol. My family? Back of my mind. Coming from a strong christian upbringing, i was breaking free... and in all the wrong ways. At 17 I got myself a really good job in the town over from mine. I got on really well with the people I worked with, and soon moved in with a workmate, sleeping on a mattress in the living room for 3 months. Chain smoking, smoking pot, and drinking was a daily occurance. Not long after my 18th birthday I moved into my first official flat. I was living with a girl. Lets call her "Sarah"... She seemed pretty cool, and in fact we got on like a house on fire. All her friends were straight away my friends, and I even began to call her mother "mum". Unfortunately the financial pressures of having a big house for just the two of us started to kick in and we decided to find another flatmate. A guy moved into the two bedroom sleepout outside, lets call him "Joe". He was straight. I mean so straight, I actually thing he might have been gay. His parents were rich, and constantly gave him everything he needed. I soon found out that "Joe" like "Sarah" was BiPolar. Neither of them felt like having a job, so both of them spunged off the government. It was alright to start with. I would get up at 6, be at work at 7, finish work at 5, and have tea, and go to bed. On the weekends we would get on the piss, and go out town. We started having parties. The parties were epic. To start with. They wen't downhill. The people got seedier and seedier, there were burns all over the carpets, from dropping spotting knives, the ceilings, once white, were now kind of brown from all the smoking, and there was rubbish everywhere, and there was NOTHING I could do about it. Of course during this time I had met "David". It all came to a head when "Sarah" got particularly mental and I announced I was moving out. She went bitchy on me and psycho, and I hurriedly moved in with "David". BAD MOVE!. Everything was fine in the start. I lived with him, and in the house also lived his sister and her fiancee, and a friend of theirs. We all got on really well, and we all liked each other, and we had some amazing parties. Unlike parties at my old flat, the property was never damaged. There was no drugs, and there was no fights. It was great. Unfortunately I had got really sick, and lost my job, and was regularly having seizures. This i know put a lot of stress on "David". He got his dream job back in the town I had just moved from, and we moved back. We moved into a flat with two girls that just seemed awesome when we met them. Turns out its because they were drugged up to their gills. It gets worse. Not only did they do every drug known to man, but the dealt half of it as well. We had parties. (come to think of it now, our partying was probably half the problem). The night never ended well, and within a couple of months, after only a year and a bit together, "david" and I broke up, caused, in part, by "Sarah", who I had tried to be-friend once again, who aparently was more interested in "david" than me. The day we broke up my best friend moved me into her house. Me and my cat Kiera, who I had gotten just after I moved in with "david" thrived in the new environment, and despite being heartbroken, and regularly taking way to many sleeping pills with wine, Things started to look up. I was going out 4 nights a week, getting home trashed at 4am, sleeping til 3pm, and starting all over again. I was still sick, but i was improving. Christmas came and "David" and I started talking. we had both come to the decision that there was nobody else and on new years we got back together. at the same time I was well enough to start work, and i started looking for a job. Unfortunately my relationship with my best friend was deteriorating due to our rediculously different personalities constantly being shoved together, so I also started to look for a new place to live. I got a job and moved out in the same week. I moved in with an older lady. I decided that if I wanted a more relaxed situation, then I would need to live with someone more mature. Not long after I moved in she announced she was a lesbian and her partner was moving in. I was slightly weirded out, but I was alright with it. Drugs re-rared their ugly head. The partner was a heavy pot smoker. Well I don't know why, but one day, six months later, the partner decided she didn't like me living there, and the lady asked me to move out. So i looked, and advertised for something LONG TERM. I was sick of moving. I was sick of uprooting my cat! Every time she got comfortable in a situation we would be moved on. I found a place. It seemed nice. The guy was lovely, he had four daughters, and it was an enormous old house. I had my own entrance, my own carpark, my own bathroom/toilet, and the kitchen was right outside my bedroom. It wasn't to be. First of all the girlfriend turned out to be psycho, and came to me in the middle of night whenever they two of them had a fight, and the kids turned out to be demons!. They would use my toilet, and not flush it, and use all my shampoo, conditioner, bodywash etc. And once again, he constantly smoked weed. When he started being awful to my cat, then I started getting uncomfortable, and it got to the stage where I was sneaking out first thing in the morning before anyone got up, and coming home extremely late at night when I was sure they were all in bed. I was terrified of seeing him. I was terrified that something would happen to my cat, and I was exhausted. For three months. My best friend and her mother came to me and asked me to move back in. They love me, they trust me, and they hated their new flatmate. They were going away for 9 months and didn't trust him not to steal everything. So i moved in, and they left. A few weeks later he moved out. A couple of weeks later, i got a new kitten. Now my life is good. I live alone. I have my cat and kitten to keep each other company when I'm working, and I see "david" regularly. I don't have to clean up after anyone, hide when people come to the door, or pay other peoples bills. Finally. I'm in a place where I don't need to be ashamed. And "david" and I are celebrating our 3 YEAR anniversary next week. |
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again, we are here. it's as if you've never really learned, doll. i am stronger now and that's a fact. i'm sure you've noticed. other than that though, what have you noticed? do you see me flinch when you turn away? i try so hard to keep a straight face. shouldn't you know by now, what i'm actually feeling? or have you let that get passed you too? have you completely forgotten who i am or what i supposedly mean to you? i wonder if you'd miss me if i made this easier for the both of us. would you remember the good that you so exceptionally disregarded? or would you rather keep this shit up? loathing my flaws. you're not so perfect yourself, angel. the difference between you and me, i accept you, all of you, whole heartedly and love even your imperfections. could it be your pride? is it something so important to you that you must prioritize your own ego with the risk of losing what you know can and has been making you happy? i know about pride. i'm all about pride. but somehow, it's always been a different case with you. i find that i don't need to be this brave, bold, domino harvey character with you. you are who i can be at my most vulnerable with. i have demolished the walls i had built in my growing years for the one person i allowed to get this close to me. so do not give me that bull about pride. or could it be..good grief..another ms.another? yes, it's crossed my mind. i can not even come close to explaining how i UNDERSTAND temptation..and through a lot of trial and error, i've learned to draw a line between thinking about it and actually doing it. i love you too much..but if this proves to be a round 2 with the kind of crap you threw at me 2 and a half years ago, i'm leaving your ass, skidmark. i haven't cried. it's a feat for me. i know i'm stronger now fo'sho. what you're doing is frustrating more than anything but it is gradually hurting me. instead of sulking though, i'm finding i want to do things that would make me happy, make me laugh, make me forget your selfishness and for the lack of a better term, douchebaggery. and because you have forbidden me to speak to you - as if you were the goddamn prince of bangladesh or something, i can only ask all my questions and make my assumptions here. here, where i don't find any solutions and just end up acknowledging how much you are getting to me. i'm glad i have my friends. i'm glad that i have the pride and dignity to not allow the cut to get too deep. so yeah, you don't have to worry about me, baby. you're the one without enough balls to step up and say what you need to say. i'm so close to just making this a done deal...and probably breaking down's a close second..but with the former, i am deathly afraid of the possible consequences that i choose not to weigh at the moment..and with the latter, sweetie, i just don't wanna come off as that pathetic girl again..i wanna be michael corleone, not freddy.. i've done what i can, i've tried as much as i see fit...so the ball's in your court now..sucks that you have that advantage...but honestly, love, in this episode we're in, i don't know if i'm willing to play with you.. |
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The adaptor I got from Mustafa cheated me. So now I have a hairdrzer, laptop, phone, phone charger, speakers and camera which I cannot use. Iäm in the hotel lobby now using their free access computer which looks rather ancient. The funny thing I realise about this kezbôard is that where the Y is normallz, is a Z. So if I were to saz something like this, it will look like that: Zour Yebra is verz zellow. Haha I cant log into facebook for some reason, thez will ask me to register. Mazbe Iäm not a facebook citiyen in Zurich. I cant log into mz office emails, which I kind of dont mind considering what I found out zesterdaz. Im off to Basel now, and I hope mz heels will not die on me (boththe soles of mz shoes came off on the first daz at the airport) One thing I realised too is that there is not at (is it called at) sign onthe kezboard. the one zou put in zour email address. So i had to cut and paste from somewhere. Which caused the comp to shut down cuy i pressed somethign wrong its strange here. zet im glad. later |
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what if i had super powers? that would be EPIC. nights like these.. and i find nothing interesting to do, i can jump like hayden christensen in jumper and go to egypt..or amsterdam! ...hell i can go to a freakin 711 for all i care, at least the change of venue would keep me excited about something. or maybe i could just fly. flight would be interesting.. except for the fact that i get motion sickness at times and i probably tinkle more often than most girls do..i'd probably need to bring jingle bags just in case..i can keep them in those compartment contraptions the super heroes have..cape..no..i meant utility belt..fail.. i wouldn't want one of those powers where you could see the future or read minds or anythin like that..too risky of a super power..and not as fun as the previous mentioned two..it'd be scary..hearing everybody's thoughts..i'd probably find out soooo many things..i wouldn't know how to handle all the shit.. or like Rogue. from X-men. god that would suck too. everyone i'd touch would get there life sucked outta them..i'd be walking death..but not like a zombie..i'd cause the death..i can't have sex..i'd have no friends..dayum oh..and hulk..that wouldnt work..my breasts would look like giant green watermelons..and i'd run out of clothes.. i'm not too sure about being a part of the power rangers either ..they don't have super powers perse but they know martial arts and got this killer robot that fights off huge ass monsters ..but then again ..there'd need to be huge ass monsters for me to kill to be able to use the robot with all its glory ..and its not a very practical vehicle if i'd just wanna go to, lets say, a friend's house ..and parking would be a bitch.. AHA! i can be the avatar!! that would kick so much ass ..oh..but i can't go to 711 instantaneously ..i'd still need a car ..or a flying aid of some sort ..like aang's.. i am so bored |
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| I finally know what true love is. My family are conspiring against me, even my mum whom I should have never started to trust. Oh wells, I'm staying strong and surviving. Wondering when I get to leave and live. UCAS is out the window :( sucks overall but I'm getting on with it. May even get onto my dad or whatever. My fam and friends probs think Im rude or something. Ugh. |
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deathcab4u
Low Energy Jan 11th, 2010 1:58:42 pm - Subscribe
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Been up late for too many nights in a row and I feel pretty damn tired finally. I hate when things catch up to me. I run run run, push push push, try to get away with as much as I can. Pushing limits of my sanity, society and political correctness on a daily basis. It isn't that I am extremely active and busy, I just cannot get the rest I require even for my lazy lifestyle. Anyways, although much of my current physical status is due to lack of sleep I am also guilty of a few things I want to change. I need to eat healthier, stop smoking and exercise. Typical things most people want to do, things that I need to do. My body has changed in the last 2 years and it bothers me more than I let myself think. Step 1: Get proper rest. If I could get my sleep schedule straight I would actually have time for eating better and exercising. Those three things would help my life so much, physically and mentally. It would make the bi-polar more friendly too. |
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That day, the saucers landed. Hundreds of them, golden, silent, coming down from the sky like great snowflakes. And the people of earth stood and stared as they descended, waiting, dry-mouth, to find what waited inside for us and none of us knowing if we would be here tomorrow But you didn't notice it because That day, the day the saucers came, by some coincidence, was the day that the graves gave up their dead and the zombies pushed up through soft earth, or erupted, shambling and dull-eyed, unstoppable, came towards us, the living, and we screamed and ran But you didn't notice it because On the saucer day, which was the zombie day, it was Ragnarok also, and the television screens showed us a ship built of dead-man's nails, a serpent, a wolf... all bigger than the mind could hold, and the cameraman could not get far enough away, and then the Gods came out But you did not see them coming because On the saucer-zombie-battling-gods day the floodgates broke. And each of us was engulfed by genies and sprites, offering us wishes and wonders and eternities and charm and cleverness and true brave hearts and pots of gold... while giants feefofummed across the land, and killer bees, But you had no idea of this because That day, the saucer day the zombie day, the Ragnarok and fairies day, the day the great winds came and snows... and the cities turned to crystals, the day all plants died, plastic dissolved, the day the computers turned, the screens telling us we would obey, the day.... Angels drunk and muddled, stumbled from the bars, and all the bells of London were sounded. The day animals spoke to us in Assyrian, the Yeti day, the fluttering capes and arrival of the time machine day, But you didn't notice any of this because you were sitting in your room, not doing anything, not even reading, not really, just looking at your telephone, wondering if i was going to call. |
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deathcab4u
while you sleep Jan 3rd, 2010 4:54:59 pm - Subscribe
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I have had a nauseating vortex of thoughts lately. I cant focus but I ponder over fleeting ideas for a few moments before the next idea or distraction. I guess I am coming to accept that bipolar is real. I am doing pretty great the last few months though. I have learned how to do this without medication pretty well. I decided that it is part of who I am and I don't want to take pills to change that. Writing my thoughts seems to be an effective way for me to cope. The things I wouldn't burden a friend with or don't care to discuss with people I know can be thrown off into the void of the netz. Sure some people I know might read it but it's on their own time and effort. I can be sure I am not being a downer to them. As soon as I can concentrate again I want to plan a day to take photographs somewhere. Not sure where yet but I need to take more pictures. I will be 23 years old in a month and a half. A sense of urgency to take more steps towards my goals is grabbing hold. |
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deathcab4u
Motivation Dec 28th, 2009 8:19:26 pm - Subscribe
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I feel motivated to pursue my goals now that I am less upset over the premature ending of what I thought was a nice relationship. I was her first boyfriend so I was silly to think we would make any real connection after all I've been through. But that motivation thing. I am having non stop day dreams about photography, my media company I am working on and it excites me. I need to go go go and realize some of these dreams once all the holiday madness dissipates. Normally I am not hostage to the festivities but my life has become so social as of late that I am low on energy and time for myself. Time to regroup and re-focus on what I love. |
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deathcab4u
Don't Sleep Dec 23rd, 2009 6:36:26 am - Subscribe
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..and everything felt good until I fell asleep. There in my dreams I was vulnerable and haunted by the painful memories of bad things that never happened.. ...another piece of my heart handed away. The hole left behind to be filled by her love. Instead darkness sinks in, cold tendrils of despair tighten. For it isn't her that the boy desires now...it is a longing to love and to be loved... |
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deathcab4u
fail... Dec 21st, 2009 8:33:09 pm - Subscribe
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Fooled again. Never been led on this bad. I knew better but I fell for her anyways. The saddest part? I will let it happen again and again and again with each girl I fall for. Where are the girls that are meant for guys like me? ...or is that just a dream I will chase to my grave... |
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deathcab4u
Merry X-Mas Dec 18th, 2009 4:02:49 pm - Subscribe
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Well it's that time of year again. Friday nights are pretty low key around the apartment. For me it's the end of a long 6 day work week. I would say I look forward to enjoying my day off (saturdays) but it's always the busiest day of the week. Getting a new bed delivered, need to do some shopping to support the economy, er...christmas. OH....and I am going to meet my girlfriends parents. This has never phased me in all my life....until now. Usually I get away with meeting a girls parents the first few times in passing...a few brief chats when i pick a girl up for a date. This event is some sort of making cookies and hanging out for the day shit and its a bit of a thing because her sister is in town for the holiday. WHO WILL BE MY GET AWAY DRIVER?! No good excuses lined up for leaving if I get awkward. I guess it's because i have been feeling pretty 'emo' the past few days and not interested in chatting up parents. WISH ME LUCK. I'm sure my charm will kick in. It always does. |
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| Things have changed but they all really stay the same. I just need to get out of this country fast now so I can stop with just surviving and start with living. Things suck and I only hope they'll get better. I guess you can say that I am looking with brand new eyes now though. |