So i'm in a better place and everything's going so well. Love music and people, family especially, life is good :)
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We'll make it last forever. So i'm in a better place and everything's going so well. Love music and people, family especially, life is good :) |
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a quote i do not want to forget so i have to copy paste it..haha.. You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. so don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze her and don't expect more than she can give. smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. -bob marley |
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so..to you, mr. lawyer i had so much fun with you. and the fact that there was an agreement between us made everything so much more..mm..naughtier? forbidden?..i'm not quite sure how to put it..but if you read this, i bet you caught my drift. although you did provide me keys to the v.i.p., i can't say i liked who i was when with you. we were all play..all experimenting..no love..no beyond physical attraction..you signified everything i wasn't when i was with my forever. and i don't blame you for being the way you were with me. i was like that. i can be like that. and you are not the first. i can be quite loca when i don't wanna take things seriously. i forgot how it felt like. to be bad. to be wanted. to be single and milking it. and though i may have seen quite game and overly willing then. it might have just been because i was forcing myself to become a person with no remnance of the forever. i wanted to be someone who did not remind me of him. so i became a someone who was appropriate for you. a penny lane. a liv tyler in aerosmith's crazy. rock and roll, baby. but no..i'm not that anymore. and i dont wanna be..i can't deny that a part of me that is ms.tyler is alive and kicking but she is put into good use in my relationship now. gotta keep things spicy, y'know. so i guess..i'd wanna thank you and apologize. i am sorry for using you as a tool, although i wasn't aware of it then, i know now that what i wanted from you is to help me realize what i really wanted. we may have had an agreement but still i am sorry for having to introduced to that side of me. who you now probably think of as some wild woo girl who would climb on a mechanical bull just for the hell of it. i thank you just the same. for being my drug. despite all the shit going on that i refused to see, you kept me sedated, you kept me motivated. may have been for the wrong reasons but from what i've heard, your forever is back in your arms as well. we were each others' "transition" people. its quite sweet if you think about it. that's all. i'm just voicing out. we never got the chance to end things on a good note. not that my anonymous blog would change that but this way, i'm acknowledging it. still,i wouldn't have done anything different. no regrets. you have a good one! and hey fyi..when i see you, a part of me still feels like i'm walking on the moon.. 
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its been a long ass time. longer than i've ever gone without writing. my life turned upside down and over in the span of 3 months. however, this time around..my sudden fall..well, was not one i'd think of as depressing. there was a break up between me and my love. my forever love. i thought that that was it. last straw. the three year marker got to me. and from what i've learned through my friends and family, at 3 yrs is when you decide to make or break. so i believed that was it..i worked immediately and almost unconsciously to get over and move on. and yes..as expected..a break up cannot ensue without the drama. drama that usually is brought about by the estranged ex..although to my surprise, some very unlikely proposals were made and i jumped at the chance of possibly finding a "transition" guy. i created my own drama. i dated. i played. i had fun that was half baked and yet thrilling all the same. only to find..that well..i still love my forever..and he felt the same. we went back to being the "we" we were after a good amount of time a part and i have been happy since. things have been good. which can be considered new to me. happy, yes but perfect? never. i may regret not putting too much thought into my lack of being ideal but my personality just can not bring me to think otherwise and actually do something about it. love is tricky. i must admit. sometimes it can just consume you. and a lot of my falls are because of all this crap. but hey, at least i can say i've grown. now more so than ever, i can say i have grown. my previous entry, before this one was written to what could've been. and i would like to express my feelings towards the one that was but did not blossom. i owe you a letter too.. |
aleaffalls
Just Passing the Time Nov 23rd, 2009 6:36:18 am - Subscribe
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I cried about you last week. You would think I'd be over it by now. But I still miss you. You seem fine without me though. You were never really broken up about it... It's a sign. You obviously didn't care as much. So why am I still holding on? I saw pictures of you from this weekend - you look happy. Are you guys really friends again? Congratulations. I don't think we could ever be friends again. I want to - I really do - but it just hurts too much. |
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deathcab4u
Hello, Link on my Favorites Bar Nov 9th, 2009 3:46:32 pm - Subscribe
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For sake of simplicity I use Safari. It has a nice little favorites bar. This Blog is on that bar. It's crazy how I can see something everyday and not really notice it or give real thought to it. Today was weird for me. I convinced myself of something silly. But I held to my decision about silly thoughts like that, which is not to get carried away by them. Go figure that I was right and that i was thinkin crazy thoughts. Closer and closer to handling my feelings I am. Soon my roommate will be home. Hello Duvel Golden Ale and dicking around on my iPhone. Well, Open Office should be downloaded by now (Was super slow to getting it on this comp). Going to update the good ol resume and get busy. Money is the only thing I like more than women or myself...and the best thing in the world is all of those things together at the same time! |
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she wanted to be in one of those books, like in childhood where she read about dragons & princesses, and monsters. she took a long walk, but it was cold & she felt cold from the inside too. more or less all of the leaves had turned brown and crisp, & had fallen off the trees. she let her feet take her, though something was different about this walk than normal. everything felt and looked dead, she could not breathe and didn't feel like she had the space or room to either. normally fresh air did her good, but this time it made her choke up & want to cry. but nothing came out. she felt as dead on the inside as she had felt about everything on the outside. the walk took her to a dark place, nothing like those childhood stories. a place of many trees and overgrowth. she had visited this place during her childhood, but it was a sad place as she had often come here when she felt like she needed to run away. she hadn't had the courage to walk inside that place for many years, up until now. she took a couple of steps and wondered what on earth she was doing back here, but nevertheless her feet carried her forward and she took small steps up through the overgrowth, on the pathway. she covered her nose and mouth as the flies started to circulate around. she didn't want to go down towards the stream, so she went back and walked on the pathway in the opposite direction. the path was turning into mud, so she sidestepped onto the grass for a while. she was above a lot of the trees and the undergrowth. the path was getting narrower and narrower, so she was carefully stepping as to not fall. she wasn't really thinking or feeling anything & as soon as she saw more steps, she turned and went back to her house. some hours later, in a conversation with her boyfriend, she started to feel detached and lost. she started to try & cry, but could scarcely manage a couple of tears. later on she felt so alone, although the normally annoying occurences of the day were not happening as usual. it was good to have a break from the stress & all, but she was scared of becoming alone once more. although she had always been alone in it all, she was quite terrified at the thought of being alone again, of losing hope and faith. she had just started to open up, had just begun to trust a little more, and now she was scared of losing it all & getting hurt, particularly at this point in her life. she had started to cry. love is one thing in its purest form that can get you welled up. especially if it is true love. still, she had to control herself as she had no real space to cry. she sat and wrote this instead. |
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my mother keeps pestering me to tell her about my struggles in life. to begin with, I dont even know where to begin! or how to say it or what to leave in and out. i'm not sure why she can't go a day let alone a couple of hours without asking. it's getting on my nerves. and whilst i appreciate her concern, she knows she shouldn't be overbearing or overprotective. i need room to breathe and be. it's true to start looking at ucas and courses, maybe some course involving writing without taking the fun out of it. i feel like i need to follow my heart and travel, maybe do some volunteer work before returning to uni. and so, therein lies the problem about the time frame of going back. but yeah, no harm in getting ideas and applying. uhm, so well yeah. she thinks she's old and doesn't think that her happiness matters anymore. so she's waiting for me to tell her what's happened to decide her next move. but it shouldn't be like that, meh. she keeps bugging me, saying things about the net, things she has no clue about, so how am i supposed to confide in her? well, im tired. dunno if i've left anything else out. hmm. |
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on the whole i've had a good day. i woke up at 7 but didn't really do much other than chill till about 10. did some jobs for my mother and randomly went out into the garden. i felt the warm sun on me and smiled. nature makes me happy. i suddenly decided to go out for a walk and so, i let my feet take me. i enjoyed every single step, taking everything in, all the beauty as i was passing by. i strangely took myself to my secret place, the place i used to run away to when i was younger. i only stayed there for a moment or two and walked back inside. i never realised but the book my mum got out from the library a couple of weeks ago was about angels. "angels in my hair" and it was waaay too wow. i started to read it outside in the garden and it was nice. books from amazon should be arriving this week. i really do want to read mine. i've been feeling like my body is still releasing things. ended up with a headache and tiredness hmm. maybe stress releasing? need to call S tomorrow. it was nice chatting to A about my experience in Ireland. I feel a bit iffy as the evening has gone along. i'm not sure whether things are going to change for the better. not because i'm not trying but because she isn't. i need to persuade her, we shouldn't stop looking for a place. we need to move. i do need to open up to her about the past though, and how the net has helped me more than harmed. everything has to get better, i'm sticking to it and i just hope she will follow and not be set in her ways. |
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aleaffalls
Lost Oct 4th, 2009 9:55:50 am - Subscribe
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I was in the middle of writing a post. Then I realized that it didn't make any sense at all. So I deleted it. The point that I was trying to convey? I have become someone that I don't even recognize. You changed me when we got together. You changed me for the better. But now that you've left me, I can't even get back to the person I was before I met you. Sure, she wasn't the best and the brightest, but she had more motivation and direction than I do now. It's not that I feel like I don't have a purpose in life now that you're not around anymore. It's just... I don't know HOW to live without you around. I grew dependent on you and your presence. And then you left without a warning. ...and took my drive to succeed in life with you. You know my address. Will you send it back to me? Thanks. |
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I was opposite One Raffles Quay today and saw the most useless piece of news flashed out on the huge electronic board on the building. You would think that for a building which hosts big bank names like RBS, Credit Suisse, we'd be looking at more worldly news topics like war or politics or natural disasters right. Instead, I was looking at a picture of a snail. And it read : "A snail was pictured in a snail garden, six miles away from the town of Pleven." That was pretty funny. As the night moved on, I started to see things. Because I've been getting so tired from all the late working nights, I seriously think i'm starting to hallucinate. When I was eating dinner, I dropped something, and I thought I saw a shadow then. When I was on the cab home, I thought I saw a lady in black at the bus stop, but she was actually a man. And when I drove past, it almost seemed like he glared at me. And before I went to bed, I saw a picture. It was of a lady in a glorious looking dress. But she was blindfolded and chained to a withering tree. And all around her staked into the ground, were 8 swords. Then I realised I was just looking at a picture of myself. That wasn't so funny. |
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Tonight I read through thousands of words, exchanged years ago, months ago, weeks ago. Nothing much of a breakthrough,but those words reminded me of a few things. They remind me how I never learn when it comes to matters of the heart. I think I have, but I know I have not because everything else which I handled differently had nothing to do with my heart. They remind me how much it stings when something you thought the world of, passes on like it was just a piece of trash. They remind me that heartfelt words, are just words "felt". They remind me how I lose the idea of loving when I know someone lost more than just the idea. They remind me how I hate fast when I lose the idea. They remind me of how sometimes I'm really just a 10 minute dream in a passenger seat. They remind me how for me, the idea of stars still live on even though they have been dead for years. The words I read tonight, tell me that sometimes, they really mean nothing. And sometimes, nothing mean everything. |
The passing of 2 weeks of leave is around the bend. So wake me up when September ends. As usual, as the freebies-grabbing sister, I got to see Lady Gaga in the flesh, who can play the keyboard acrobatically.  Friend: What's Am-ped? Me: Dude, it's Amp-ed. Which reminds me, my brother gave me an Am-ped Tshirt which has that very same design on it. And that "square bars" move up and down as it picks up sounds! I should wear that out one day.  I felt like I was attending a gala ball gown dinner at Mel Chin's wedding. Decorated by the Party Planner David Tutera himself. In the cab: Me: How much are you bao-ing for the wedding? Grace: $150 lor. Shangrila leh Me: True As we walked into the ballroom: Grace: Suddenly I don't think $150 is enough.   Some nice touches: Live Jazz Band (versus "Wedding Songs" CD) Minature dessert version of the wedding cake Party bus (To post-party event) Fortune cookies (What the hell just throw that in too as well right)  I took some unposed-photos of Yijun. I call it the "Korean Pop Star CD cover".  Dry ice floors and sci-fi trees even! Kidding.  OBS for training programme.  Where each team had to build one portion of a minibridge, without any verbal communication mind you. I was the "Designer".  Lookit my "blueprint".  And sleep in tents. Which made us all grumpy the next morning. (And had to run 5km along East Coast and "reflect")  I actually rock climbed. Don't see me no up. To the 4th panel for 4 walls hor.  Penny sang me a really loud birthday song with a lava cake. More trigger happy shots.     Pictures I took of HongKong (from a menu hehe)  Old school!  A pie store called Pie Kia.  And a 2 to 10pm spring cleaning of my room, which puts me to sleep, when September ends. |
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it's hard to let go of everything and i'm scared about several things. i just want him to lie to me until the end, is it so bad that i want some love for myself? i wanted to give all my love to him and the world, and things would have been different if i'd finally got out of here in the next few months, i'd have been fine. i wonder why it's such a crime to want to be happy, though. i wish i knew the answer. the physical pain doesn't matter so much to me. it's the other pain i want resolved. i wish there was an answer. |
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It's interesting how every person in this world is so fixed in his or her unique character, yet the behavior changes so ridiculously when placed in certain situations with different people different happenings. If a fleeting moment, a passing memory, a cheating heart, a back-turning friend, a hated love, is a lie in itself, then isn't the human race a joke for doing all that? Just one big fucking merry lie. |
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i know that there's a chance you might read this. i actually want you to. maybe you should. obviously trusted you enough for you to be one of the only 2 people who know about this. so ok.. here it goes i aint sure your intentions or confessions were as true as i thought they were. i mean, this is what i meant by being ballsy, boy. yeah we aint in no rush but what exactly do i have to hope for if i dont see or feel even the slightest nudge from you. believe you me, you had the upperhand. now though, you seemed to have dissolved. what happened, dear? i know you may have been busy but a hi or hello should have sufficed. but maybe, maybe it was just some fantasy i conjured up in my head. maybe you are just meant to be my friend. not that that's a bad thing. you're one hell of a friend, y'know. with the drummer boy, now that one as well is quite a mix up. i try to avoid anyone gettin ideas in their heads. the only person who knows i favored you is..well..you haha!..thought that would've been a huge clue...guess not so i dunno what to make of anything anymore, dear. i'd gladly remain your friend. and the feistiness of the X is soooo rampant, literally working double and over time. well now maybe i guess i might need to see less of you?? ...i'm not sure!! HAHA!!..BADTRIP!! ..i usually talk to you abt these things...damn...ok...well cause if i really do wanna work this out with the X, i cant keep thinking of you being my what if..the X is showing the fight..which is what i wanted..i know it sounds soooo conceited but understand how maybe i wanted to feel worth it, worth effort..i was havin my fun single yeah..but at the same time, totally dismissin and maybe even undermining myself..and yea, the events on my bday proved how i felt pretty worthless :| there's the drama yo..HAHA..gotta love it ...you're the what if that didnt exactly try, man..next time you like a girl..and by any chance she's a lot like me haha!..have a little more fight..i'm a little crazy that way, i dont mind the rough around the edges and the mud on my jeans  but yea.. we cool it aint too late or anything...gaad see not wuite sure why i said that but did anyway :|..i dont know!! its YOU!! of all FUCKING people! you dont know your hold on me, man I SWEAR!...
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I'm not sad. Really. I have no real life or death problems which warrants a breakdown in the system. Maybe just a living or deadliness of going through the motions. I hide behind the one-way street of my vision so I won't see more than that, or at myself. I look back fondly at memories but won't share them lest they turn yellow from the sun. I look forward but towards nothing that I can really put in detail. I'm not sad. Really. |
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he's gone and got himself another temporary girl. oh gosh. he thought he was making me jealous the other night, but not so much. i just can't believe that in the months we hadn't talked much at all, he was waiting for me to say i wanted him. it's pretty ridiculous to me. anyway, i can't believe people piss me off so much here. i just wish i could get away from this place right now. i feel like i need to. |
 A great lawn tree at Central Park spoke to me today. It hated the cold but wouldn't have wanted to be elsewhere. |
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Up to today, I had only remembered fragments of that night. It was a long night. I'm quite sure it was. But only remnants remain, as with everything that passes through the suction of time. 3 years later, and then tonight I remembered that it was pouring. That chased us to catch shelter on the 2nd floor of the building where we had our lectures. We sat at the big rectangular stone which served as a seating place for students. It had served as a meeting point for us to talk about everything under the sun, including worldly conversations which had made us feel seemingly grown-up and intellectual. These seemingly grown-up and intellectual talks sometimes continued to topics like "Don't you think autustic people have this similar look about them". I remembered both of us trying to keep a serious face. I remembered both of us keeping a close watch on each other, ready to catch the one who was going to lose the serious face first. That night, we ran to the stone seat. I heard the patter of the rain. I had started the conversation with "Helloo Dean". I cringed, because I noticed that I was obviously dragging the "o" in "hello" too much. Probably because I had too much green liquid. But he didn't seem to have noticed. He probably had too much green liquid too. The conversation went like this. Me: What's your secret? Dean: hmm my secret? Me: uh huh Dean: I don't have a secret.. Me: Stand in the light stand in the light! I got him to stand in the light. Dean continued. Dean: Ask me a question and I'll give you the answer. Me: Okay! What's your deepest darkest secret? At this juncture, I'm thinking to myself, what an idiot. I essentially had asked the same question. Dean: I nearly kissed my cousin once You couldn't tell from his voice when he said that, but on screen, he had this smug look. Not because he was proud of the secret, but it seemed more like he wanted to act like he really just did reveal his deepest darkest secret. Me: Aw that's not new?! Come on.. Dean: That's now new huh.. As I swayed around trying to point the camera at him, he cupped his face ins his hands, as if he was really deep in thought and mumbled to himself "what's my secret what's my secret.." Dean opened his hands and looked back at the camera. Dean: I'm afraid of heights? For a while, there was a pause. And then there was me again. Me: Okay...that's acceptable! It was really a hazy night. Our conversations couldn't have been more idiotic. But it had been exclusively ours. And now it is exclusively mine. As time passes, and memories fade away, everything else in life becomes more and more exclusive. Exclusivity is special. Exclusivity is lonely. |