Crimson, the color of pain
Date: Aug 6th, 2005 11:29:23 pm - Subscribe
Mood: brooding
Once again, I find myself here. I'm feeling better than the other day, but this life still seems like such a falsehood. What is really the point? Perhaps just to spite all those who would wish me dead? I suppose that is a good enough reason to live. At least in my mind it is. My mind is admittedly a bit twisted. It's bound to become this way after all the shit that has happened. The days of just working, going to sleep at the end of the day, and never thinking a lot are over. Thinking too much is actually encouraged by our society. It's not necessarily a good thing. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to think. Or especially think that they're intellectuals or something. But according to this society, even the opinions of fools must mean something. I'm sure everyone agrees with me. It's not really a point that's even worth argument. It's pretty depressing. I can feel my heart sink even as I type this. How did I end up being this way? Would it be more fun to be happier and a bit less bitter all the time? It's impossible to go back in time. And if my mind regressed, I would probably feel bad about losing the intellect I once had. I don't believe anything is ever worth killing yourself over. Maybe if you knew what happens after life. But not the way I am now. Death is my only fear, the only thing that keeps me up at night paranoid. My heart beats fast and I can feel the icy grip of fear grasping my chest, a worse feeling than any physical pain that I'm familiar with. I need to calm down, really. This is something I wish I could just stop thinking about, but it's hard to stop once you've begun, you know? Enclosing darkness might not be so bad. Ending all the feelings that once bothered me. But I don't think I'll ever be ready for the embrace of death. Never. Eternal life is thought of as a curse in this day and age, but I would give anything for it... So, yeah, suicide can never be the answer. Not for me, at least.
Comments: (3)
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lovepain - August 06th, 2005 |
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xmidnightx - August 07th, 2005 |
anonymous - August 07th, 2005 |