for you
Date: Nov 26th, 2005 12:43:38 am - Subscribe
Mood: charming


so yes. Thanksgiving I say. Oh what I wonderful time of the year. So it is friday night. A long time ago in a galaxy far far away. So my entire family came over last night. It was fun I suppose. Now Im sitting here in my room freezing my ass off because my dad got a new coal burning stove downstairs and the heat doesnt come up here. :/ so yes. my uncle mike and his wife are sleeping in ryans room across the hall, and ryans toasting downstairs on the couch. My room is a complete mess as I have yet to finish any homework, which includes a 4page typed research paper with citations and references and sources on how everything we do in life revolves around sex. the only worthwhile things I have done so far this weekend has been but not limited to; Seeing Harry Potter Goblet of Fire for the second time, did three loads of wash, cleaned my room that I left dirty a month ago, ate a lot of food, worked out, cleaned out my recovery drive on my computer, leveled my paladin to 27 and stole some kids d2 account, aaaaaand thats it. I was just going to say I wacked off but alas I have not. Which is a new one. Im really bored right now hence me writing and updating BLOGS because im that cool. Cory and Jim came over Wednesday to help with the oncoming band but alas our stupidity has yet gotten the best of us again. We're hoping to have the band (cory, jim, me, ryan) up with three of our own songs by christmas time. Basically our goal is to have 6songs (three or more by us, and three or more covers) done to the notch by pre-test destress day at our old high school so we can sing them at the open mic. Then we wanna put them on our first cd by july. Im doing really well in school so far. Got the hang of illustrator and everything in digital. My academic advisor is going to put me into a dual major program if I don't transfer next year. So basically I have to stay an extra semester, but I'll come out of MV with two two year degrees, one in Graphic Communications: Illustrations, and the other in Graphic/Digital Design. If I get accepted to the art schools I wanna go to Im still going to jump at the opportunity but either way I'll be really happy with it. Lately all I've been doing is getting by classes and trying to see Jen as much as possible before finals. We're doing really good and yeah 3> ;x but ya know that sorta thing. happy.gif Now I go back to school on monday, not sure when I'll update again but who knows. Im really only looking foward to xmas break now. two more weeks. actually the dates decemeber 11th and the 30th are like burning in my mind but xmas break non the less.;x but yeah. so my feet are numb and my desk is creaking and Im sorta antsy right now so I may go back to killing diablo and baal and yeah so fuck you and good night. 3>
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Good morning blue eyes.
Date: Sep 19th, 2005 12:17:21 am - Subscribe
Mood: tired


Hello. yes I am updating again. Havent in a long time. A lot has sorta happend since we've last met. For one, I've been a lot happier here. I've met a lot of new friends and Idk I'm getting a long with most of them. We all started partying a little and its really fun and is really good for everyone socializing. If that makes sense. Cody and Meghan hooked up I guess. Evan and me got into a fight but it was stupid but hes still an ass but we're ok now for the most part. Jen and me are doing really good. I went to see her and it was a lot of fun. Jen isn't doing as well as she usually is now en days. Her good friend Jarret and her had a fight and now they're having problems. Jen is going through a rough time and I wanna help her a lot but its hard to. I hate seeing her like this and it hurts me more than she thinks. I want her to know that no matter I'll always be right behind her and if she hasnt figured that out by now well then idk. Jarret is making her upset. A lot. I dont like it at all and its starting to make me frustrated because someone is treating her like that. Jen is always here for me. Whenever I'm in bad shape, shes my savior. I want her to know that no matter what, I'll do whatever I can do be hers. Shes seeing me soon and its really exciting. Everyday Jennifer McMahon makes me realize how much I am in love withher over and over. Now its bad with us. Its almost as if all bets are aside. We both know that we will be together in the end and we're together now. We love it. She loves it. I know I do. She makes me so happy its insane. I tell her that it seems like its almost impossible for someone to have such an impact on another person. Shes that impact on me. Jen has changed the very foundation of life that I stand upon. The other night me and Meghan had a really big talk. I sorta broke down and told her everything about me and Jen. I told her that I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for that girl. I told her about me. A lot of stuff. I told her my issues. I told her that Jen is the reason why I can control myself now. I told her that Jen is my other half. I told her a lot. It is the truth. I want Jen to know that even when shit is rough and when everything seems like its going down, that I'll be beside her. I'll be there for her and only her. I want her to know that people arent what they seem sometimes. I want her to knwo that she isnt alone with stuff. I want her to know that she shouldnt say thing about ending it all and shit because thats a sore subject with me. I want her to know that that wouldn't just kill her but kill me too. Instantly even. I want her to know that when things are like this and nothings right that she can think of me. She can think of how thigns are gunna be pretty soon with me and her. Everything we've said. Everything we've smiled and laughed at. Everything. For her. I want Jen to know that I love her with every inch of my heart and I cant say it enough. Everytime I see the words "I LOVE YOU" in my mind, my heart skips and my back hair stands up. I smile and a tear sometimes comes to my eye because I know that shes mine and im hers. I want Jen to know that shes smarter than allof this. Shes smarter than them. I want her to know shes better than this and that when things are this bad she has to step up. SHe has to relax and take things under her control because she can. She can overcome anything ebcause shes Jen and tahts how it is. I love her. Always.
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nothing better
Date: Aug 30th, 2005 10:34:52 pm - Subscribe
Mood: used


SO yeah, me and Jen had a giant talk last night. I told her some stuff and explained myself as best I could about some issues. She explained everything to me and basically made me realize that I dont have to be jelious anymore and that I dont need to get frustrtated with everything. Im in a great mood now that she told me everything. She made me realize that she really is the one for me and she really does care about me enough to deal with how I am and eveyrthing. She helped me a lot last night and words cant even explain it. All I know is everythings gunna get better between me and her. Im going to see her in less than 10days and Im really excited.
I cant even explain it. I thought about her today whne i was on my way to my work study at the gym and i was listening to this goofy techno emo song that i love now and i had a giant smile onmy face. Everytime i listen to it even though its like i guess about two people taht have different views on their relationship, some of the quotes the guy says reminds me completely of jen. so like i basically walked to gym in the best mood ive been in since ive moved here.
blah shitty thing just happend, my r.a. who now hates me just threatend to write me up becasue my door is opened and its quiet hours. shes being a fucking bitch because shes still hung up about me supposevbly calling someone a bitch or something. idk. arg i hate this bull shit. dsa;lkfjsda i was just informed that auditions for the school musical is on next weeks thursday happy.gif except vocal try outs are in two days lol. so idk my friend tess whos all drama and shit is helping me get it all together. shes from greenport actually and has a long distance relaitonship with her boyfirned now. i give her a lot of advice. i was just helping her plan on how she can surpise him when she comes back this weekend. my friend zach and me are becoming better friends now that we're working out more. its cool. i think im gunna start having a better time here now. aside from my r.a. being a bitch and shit. im a lot less stressed out and like im more happy. im more homesick tho. :/ but its ok. i cant wait for 9days or so. short but im used to that. i cant wait. im not telling my parents and i hope everything goes to plan. it would be really bad if it didnt lol. but idk. after last night jen made me realize that i can talk to her about anything. i dont have to hide things anymore. im just gunna bemyself to her like i should hjave 8months ago. i think everythings gunna be better now. happy.gif
blah im gunna go finish getting my shit ready for tomorow. i'll update tomorow night if anything cool happens waaaaah
3>
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e.m.o.h.t.i.o.n.a.l.
Date: Aug 29th, 2005 11:42:31 pm - Subscribe
Mood: lovely


3>

everythings gunna be better now.
a lot better.

did i ever tell you guys about one time back in june? one day i'll tell you about its. it would take me about 3years or so to type it out.


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Techno music and a depressed mind.
Date: Aug 29th, 2005 12:45:06 pm - Subscribe
Mood: discontent


Blah. The past couple of days have been really meh and bleh all put together. I've been having a lot of trouble going to sleep at night. Theres always a group of people chillen outside of my dorm and they stay up until like 4in the morning during the week. Im always tired. I keep working out which is cool. Me and Jen had a fight sorta about her drinking and partying and such. :/ everythings ok now though for the most part. Im going to go see her next next weekend which is really good. aside from that idk. i feel really depressed at night mainly because its like i indirectly make myself feel it. Jens having a lot of fun and stuff in college and im really happy for her that shes getting along good with everyone, its just idk, all they do there is drink. of course she has all guy friends which i got over. now theres this matt kid taht she works out with. She wanted me to amke her a work out schedule and i never did but i was gunna soon but she just recently told me how shes going eveyrmorning to work out with him and stuff and hes showing her how to do everything. that kinda hurt because i feelk like im replaced sorta. she knows the main reason why i get frustrated and pised is beacuse i cant do those things with her. i cant party with her i cant be a boyfirned to her like i want to. but she still tells me things like that. and it hurts alot. shedoesnt know though.she knows im bugged out by her drinking and partying and shit but she still feels the urge to randomly tell me shes no gunna be sober enough to order bus tickets for me to see her. :/ idk its like she wants me to get mad she wants me to get jelious. its gotten to the point where her guy friends girlfriends are edgy and jelious about her hanging out with them. its not just me anymore. idk. shes going back home with that matt kid and idk im fine with it all . im pretty sure hes going back to his house and stuff. i was thinking though, if she had him stay at her hgouse id consider breaking up with her or really changing the way shits going down because i dont think i can take things like that. i know i cant take shit like that. i really love jen but i dont want her guy firends and her alcohol to get in the way of me and her. i dont want her guy friends to blur her judgement on issues between me and her. i dont want things to go to shits with me and her over things so immature as to partying. idk if im over reacting or what. i just miss her and i miss how shit used to be. yeah we're in college yeah stuff is gunna get different. im just paranoid. i dont think shes gunna cheat on me, i think that if anything shes gunna fall for one of her many guy friends. idk. i hope things dont get much worse than this. the other night she told me to basically "get over" the fact that this is her new "lifestyle." idk what to think or to say to that. shes basically saying "Im aware that me drinking and doing things like this bothers u a lot, but i dont care and im not going to change or do anything differently. " i was really pissed off because she was sayuing how her schoolk is more lenient with rules than mine becaus there are no parties here, so i told her school was a bunch of alcoholics. she got mad. funny thing was like 10min after i said that and we were talking things out one of her friends came in the room and was like "Hes throwing up agian someone help me" in my head i was laughing. ironically the next night (last night) who was playing a good ol' drinking card game with a bunch of her close guy friends? who wasnt sure thyed be sober enough to stay online with me and finish planning my trip. meh. i know if it was the other way around and she was staying sober and not partying and was starting to get depressed, and i was out everynight with my dozen girlfriends drinking everynight she would have dumped me by now. makes me think a lot. so yeah everynight ive been sitting a lone in my dorm. thinking. finish homework. wanting to talk to mygirlfriend. shes alwayus busy. i play a lot of halo with my friends down the hall. two of the girls i got close to are now physco and im trying to distant myself from them now. im keeping to myself at night. anti social sorta. the other night i was really upset. i cut myself again :/. its not cool im considering going to the school counselor and shit. if it doesnt get better i mean. but i think it is gunan now that me and jen talked nad she knows how i feel. i just hope she acts upon it and things dont get any worse between me and her. i think once i start getting more involved with school and i go see her in two weeks everything will be o.k. i hate being sad and stuff. idk why i get so into things. its just i remeber whne jen was really depressed one month and i stuck with her. she put me through a lot of shit and iw as on edge of saying fuck it and leaving her but i didnt because i kenw shed be better and that eveyrthing was gunn be cool. she told me once that i didnt knoww aht i was getting myself into. that shewasnt like normal people when she got sad and stuff. i said i didnt care because she could turn out to be a guy and id still be in love withher. now its like i wish i could say that to her. im not normal when im emotional. i just hope she doesnt turn away from me. i hope she helps me if anything. :/ im sure she will though. ( help me that is if i needed it ) i feel really lonely here. i dont know i havent seemed to realte to many people here. thats why ive been anti social becuase i cant seem to find anything to relate to. i think about jen a lot at night becasue she was my nights. now my nights consist of music, my computer and falling asleep to a bunch of black people yelling and fighting outside. i feel really lonely. i just wish jen would see that and take that into consideration instead of telling me off about my friend situations and making me feel like im an idiot. she says i make her feel bad when she goes out and does things with people. idk. i dont mean to. its just idk.no matter what i'll always feel awkward when my girlfriend tells me about her guy friends. how they kiss eachother on the cheek. how their girlfriends dont like that she hangs out with them so much. how shes goiing to bars and getting fake i.d.s. how shes friends with the whole baseball team. how she works out with her friend matt. idk is that wrong? i think if i was her and i was perfectly fine with it and encouraging her to do things id be like dude what the hell. like seriously if i did all that stuff, and told her about it and she didnt care, and was like cool with it all, id be upset. id be like uhhh ur not gunna tell me not to? idk thats just me. she said if i get a tattoo shed break up with me on the spot. she said it would be like me going behind her back and geting it even if i told her i was gunna. i feel like one day i should tell her, choose alcohol and getting stupid with herguy friends for me. see what she says. i think one night im guna tell her to stay in and just spend the night talking to me. see if she gives me a hard time about it. i feel like im bothering her with how i feel. thats why i dont talk to her about it. i want her to have fun. i want her to be herself. i dont want anything bad to happen to me and her. mostly i dont want anything bad to happen to her. drinking, driving, someone doing something to her. anything when thier drunk ya kno? i worry a lot about stuff like that but she doesnt realize it i dont think. she tells me she wishes i could look after her and be there for her. i try to as much as i can and its liek the more i wanna be in her life with talking to her and such, the less she wants it. the more she just wants tog o out and have fun with all of her new friends. idk. i justmiss her. gotta see her soon or idk whats gunna happen. i hope things get better. i hope everything ends up ok. i just keep telling myself it'll be fine. she'll always be here for me. shes not like other girls. :/ i hope so.

im sorry im sucha a bitch about this. but its all i got.
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