That was my fortune for today.
I have been innovative in making money (back) today. I should receive a refund of about 140 dollars in the next seven days.
|
So being 21 isn't exactly panning out as I had hoped. Now as they say about rock bottom, nowhere left to go but up. I believe that might apply here. Or I'd like to believe that because if that's not true then.. well that just fucking sucks for me. But sticking to the positive side of the street here... Let's say I have the ambition to be the star behind all the stars. This week we shot a few scenes for the video segments, me assisting on set. It was a pretty fun time working with Keith, kind of a famous and super nice guy. No big deal, you guys recollect a little show called Degrassi? Let's say I want to do big creative things and not get stuck in some job that demands I abandon all chances of enjoying my youthful years. Because I've got the rest of my life to become an adult, it only moves forward after all. There's no rush. I'd hate to regret not having done the things I wanted to. I think I'm doing a pretty good job of minimizing regrets so far. So perhaps this whole 'heartbreak -> destructiveness -> returned bliss -> heartbreak -> destroying myself once more in style' sick little period of time can come to an end and blossom into something nice and pretty. I'm hopin' like a muthafucka for a little chrysalis like turnaround in recent events. I'm learning loads but still unsure of how to use all that properly in the real world with real people who are out to get you one way or another. Some tricky shit. But the conclusion I've reached is that there's Hope of a way up and out of this. If I don't pass out from all this coughing that's happening first. |
|
-Have you ever seen a witch before? -Sure, around Halloween I see them all the time. -No, I mean like a real witch. -Well, no. I guess I haven't seen a real one. -Have you seen a lion before? -Yeah, I've seen them at the zoo. I think at the Calgary one maybe. -No, I mean like a real lion. Like in Africa, where they're real. In some countries, lions just come in the house. You ever seen a real lion in your house? -No...just at the zoo. -Well, how about a snake. Sometimes a snake will be in my house and it's no big deal. Just a snake. You ever seen a real snake like that? -No, I haven't seen one of those either. I love this kid! We need to get more of them in. So polite and so delightfully foreign. This club needs to kick off a wee bit faster, so I can feel like I'm actually doing something productive with this personal side project. An hour just isn't enough. |
|
How are things with you? How is your health? Do you get many visitors out at the farm? None of these are heard at first try and I end up repeating them over and over, screaming them into the phone until my questions finally go through and I've lost interest in hearing the answers to them. Fuck, is reception really all that bad or do you just not want to talk to me and this acts as an excuse to end it early? It's like trying to establish a phone connection with the land of the dead. Which I guess it is in a sense. Of the few replies I get, I hear of a family across the river that just dropped off one by one. Pop. Pop. Pop. Cancer or spontaneous death or something. Apparently there's much dying going on around this time at the village. I got a new boy cousin yesterday. That was the positive note to these shitty calls. Some fucking morning. |
|
Nov 30, 2009!!! I'm going to see the Pixies in Washington, D. C. I have already planned out the air/hotel :-D I just have to buy the tickets Sept 11!! |
|
The peaceful getaway is under siege! Last night I dreamt of bugs covering the bedspread in a churning sheet of black. I swiped my arms out at it in the dark to try and clear the specks off of me to no avail. They're everywhere. They're on the clothes that I have to shake off twice before putting on. Once the inside, once the outside. Noone likes bugs in the crotch. Oh my! How unladylike. I've been vaccuming them up. Washing them down sink drains. Dropping them down the beerbottles of Warsteiner Premium Dunkel that occassionally find their ways into my hands in moments of awesome boredom. And still they persist. To my utmost annoyance. Logic would have it that you don't smash open the ceiling when you've got 8 people under one roof. Especially if you're well aware that an army of gross winged but incapable of flight crawlies will be unleashed like a plague upon them. But at least with these little critters I am learning to tolerate bugs. At least these don't bite, just crawl half ass at you and then twitch around when you pick em up. I am by far superior to the other girl children in that I don't squeemishly run away from that room. I bravely face nights asleep amidst all that chaos. And I pride myself on that. 21 and I ain't afraid of no (not capable of flying thank goodness! but equipped with wings) ants. Fuck yes! 2 more sleeps and then a bus sleep and then I'll have a warm body to smother with affection once more. Can't wait. |
|
Perched upon a mountaintop in a brightly painted house amidst other brightly painted houses. Like a colouring book resort. Vacation it up some before hopping aboard a bus and making my way on back to home sweet home. Two weeks away. Two weeks too long. Text messages tinged with smut can only take you so far until the real thing is all you want. Technology only exasperates things after so long. Back to my sucker love. It's heavensent. The best feeling is back on but with a hint of variness to it. Some caution this time. 555 miles away. Soon m'dear. |
|
Monday morning was by far the worst. Prior mornings have been either busy with fretting over how to get through work with minimal waterworks or trying to sleep at some strange house on an uncomfortable couch while attempting to quell another consecutive whiskey hangover (a bottle a day keeps the thoughts away!). But monday was truly awful... Lying in bed while all the debris slowly washed up on me. Fragments of conversations, inside jokes (fuck those formed so quickly and easily), nights, those long lovely mornings, traces of warmth, the smells, smiles, the looks and laughter. Everything that can't be there anymore. I may have discovered the worst feeling in the world. Funny how it so seamlessly follows a blissful period of the best feeling in the world. A white to black rapid flurry of change. And words. Followed by a red crash. No prelude, no nothing. Just all that raw emotion because I cannot help but be such a fucking girl that is incapable of being graceful about anything. As Sarah said. A punch to the face. Why would you try and get punched again? You'd think that only a complete masochist would willingly go through that again. Maybe I really should go and fall in 'love' (just pretend) with some hard working italian man. One with a hairy back and a penchant for tossing out compliments. I hear they do that lots over there. Just run off. Chopped off hair is one step closer to a new me with more sense and blocks in place. Like a mini moat. Alligators and all that toothy shit before you get entry into that fuzzy warm red place (and don't be dirty now). Things were going too well and so it was time to quit. Try and understand that. |
|
"I had a dream about mario kart" *soft laugh* "I love you" *beat* *beat* "I love you too" "It took mario kart for you to say that sober?" I think I'm ... but it makes me kind of nervous to say so. |
|
Last night I was operating some sort of an antique record player that had a blade coming out of it. There was a bumpy ridge around my right hand ringfinger and the blade hit it. Bleeding but remarkably pain free, I cut around the outside of the finger to find a ring underneath the skin's surface. It said 'little' on it and had a tiny pink jewel on the I. I used to wear the ring when I was younger and then over the years skin had grown over it. And I was no longer little. *** I believe last monday it was, vampires had taken over everything and I was a princess that they were after. I hid in the outhouse out in that Ukrainian village, where these things always end up taking place. I suppose living there wasn't enough, I have to visit every so often in alternate states. I watched through a hole in the boards as they outlined what they were planning to do to the rest of the world and to me, once they found me. I was dragged out and they were about to finish me on the exact spot that that pig was butchered. But then I started crawling around in the mud and embarked on a quest to follow the colours that had happened due to some mushrooms I'd taken in the outhouse. The vampires thought this cute and laughingly let me go on exploring behind the barn. Then I hid up in the hay loft with somebody I knew. Something naked and sexy occurred. Those spiders were probably there as well. They were outside pacing, once again trying to find me. *** Next night or so, I was in a tall apartment building that echoed the rooms of the one in the village. But the stories just rose and rose. Once again the end of the world collapse scenario. Bleak, destroyed place. We were making our way up the building. Racing against others that were after us and those leaping out of rooms that were just walls of peeled paint. They were snarling and swinging knives as we leapt up the stairs, stabbing whoever came closest. Breath tearing out, panic pounding against the ribcage. Just blind fear and instincts. We hid on some roof for a bit, lying low only to be mockingly pointed out to the attackers by someone else. More running. Hallways upon rooms upon dead ends. Opening and closing on one another; terror pumping while sneaking along pressed up against the walls. And then we were on acid and floating down the stairs past all the skeletal people. They're back. The haunting loneliness, the booming silence of a destroyed world and the constant fear. It's all in these dreams. I love them, they have a certain creative quality that appeals to me, but I feel so disturbed upon waking. And it's something that can't be shaken easily, sometimes for days. An unpleasant taste in my mouth are these imagined scenes. They're all too real in how emotionally draining they can be. And really, that sort of thing should be saved for the daytime. Young love is a beautiful thing but when you are dying to explain that to somebody close to you and they're a cold shoulder far out of reach and long gone by choice, that is the real heartbreak of daytime. How do YOU get over losing things out of your control? How do YOU stop feeling so alone and abandoned by the side of road? How do YOU stop missing? Drop some suggestions, won't you? |
|
2 Comments
Mood: deflated lovely things:: Hot Toddies (these girls'll cheer you up or your money back) |
|
"You will be successful through innovation and determination." That was my fortune for today. I have been innovative in making money (back) today. I should receive a refund of about 140 dollars in the next seven days.
|