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perfect110 Over two years ago... - Subscribe
It has almost been two years since I have written in here. Amazing how much has changed. I doubt there is hardly anyone left that remembers me.

In the past two years I have found freedom (if that exists) from my eating disorder. Am a lot more happy and content with life. I also moved out of my house (twice), first to go a treatment type center and secondly to move out for good into an apartment. I have gotten back into church. Been dumped by two boyfriends. Made a bunch of amazing friends and then lost them all.

I suppose that is why I am writing in here now. I am so incredibly lonely. My heart longs for human interaction. I want to be accepted and liked and loved for who I am. I want people to leave comments on my facebook and e-mail me! I want people to call me. I want to matter. I want... to be noticed.

Right now I am fighting not to run back to what was my coping mechanism for six years. I know why I want to do it but that doesn't help. I want to do it because I am stressed about finals next week, I am lonely, I am depressed, and I am angry but I don't know what to do about it except run and eat everything I can and then vomit into the toilet for an hour. I am feeling out of control. I am feeling rejected. I am feeling like the life I have serves no purpose at all. I could easily be replaced.

I have not had these feelings for over a year, and yet here they all come- rushing back in. Will I ever truly be over this? Am I just going to use my whole life fighting with food and my emotions? I want to a be a photographer but so what- there are thousands of amazing photographers.

Maybe I am just having a depressed week.
perfect~
3 Comments
Mood: agitated

perfect110 Friendss Mar 12th, 2006 9:44:02 pm - Subscribe
Friends get to read special thoughts
They get to understand the person more than anyone else
They get an insiders view

Don'tchya wanna be my friend.
If you understand this you can read my posts.
26 Comments
Mood: lovely

kayjay Right Where It Hurts Jan 24th, 2006 9:51:02 pm - Subscribe
Been awhile again... Theres just some things i wanna get off my chest and i dont think anyone around me is willing to listen.

Ok... so heres what happened, ive been with my gf for 2 months now, shes 2 yrs older than me.
Well the other day we were talking about kids and she told me that she actually had a kid whos is turning 3 in may. Her daughter lives somewhere else and she rarely ever sees her. She never bothered to mention this before and i dont think this is too fair of her to mention it now.

Iunno... its not that i dont love her, its just that... i dont think this is where i want my life to lead to now, i still think i have alot of potential to do something great. I think if i keep getting involved with her then im just gonna settle down... and i cant do that yet... im far from finished... if i knew she had a kid before we started dating, then i probably would of thought twice about going out with her... I know thats an awful thing to say but... iunno...

Iunno what to do...
3 Comments

kayjay You Said That I Would Never Forget This Time Dec 25th, 2005 12:54:17 am - Subscribe
Heh... so its christmas time again, I dont do too well on holidays, especially Christmas.
Seems like everyone is mad at me during christmas, especially my parents... the whole day they were screaming and yelling at me to do all these things and it just made me really sad cuz i couldnt do everything they asked and i didnt want to say anything back cuz i just wanted everyone to be happy.
Well after i did all they asked i went into my room and just sat looking at my hands cuz they were shaking alot and iunno... i just really wanted to cry... so as i sat there, my dad walks in and says that he couldnt afford to buy me a gift this year cuz he had to buy everyone else one and there was so much i wanted to say to him but i didnt... i just told him it was ok and that i didnt want anything anyways...
During most of this i waited for my gf to come back from what she was doing and she even seemed mad at me... i really needed her today and now she wont even talk to me.
*sigh* i remember christmas being so awesome for me, being around my whole family and getting lots of presents and now... its just the hardest day of the year for me... i never get to the point of breaking as i do on christmas...
um... but yeah... i think im done

*To Perfect* Hun, your the only reason why i even come to this site, i wanted to wish you a very happy christmas. I hope everything goes alright for you, i love you hun, take care
2 Comments

silentjade whats happenend lately Sep 25th, 2005 1:11:35 pm - Subscribe
i've been feeling better since my last post. so i'm happy.

angelia told me she bocked from aim the other day. shes stupid cuz ur not supposed to tell someone u blocked that u blocked. stupid fat bitch!

i was talking to clint the other day and we were talking about his friend anthony and his friend nataile. anthony wants to hook me up with natalie. but clint doesnt want me to cuz shes annoying. its like he doesnt want me to be happy. he was saying that people call her a man with a vagina. trying to not want to meet her. she doesnt sound like my type. and she reminds me too much of rayne but thats alright. i'll just go out with her to piss off clint.

jeremy is sooo depressing. everytime i talk to him he has to be sad. and bitch about a girlfriend he had 2 years ago. "i loved her but she broke my heart". i was going to say get over it its been 2 years. but that would be to mean.

and on friday me and richie were going to the student parking lot and i saw cassie. i told him not to say anything. but he was yelling "cassie shits in bags"(which she really did) i pushed him to the wall so she couldnt see us. i told him she'll beat me up if she found out i told people about that. he said "but your like ten times bigger that her u can kick her ass easily". but i cant im not stong at all.

well theres probably more that happened but im too lazy to tyoe it up.
0 Comments
Mood: cuddly
: death cab 4 cutie-title and registration

silentjade staring an blank tv screen Sep 14th, 2005 8:50:14 pm - Subscribe
these past 2 weeks i havent been that great for me. though i havet told anybody except my friend jeremy. it seems like i can tell him anything cuz he wouldnt judge me. see if i told my other friends they would tell me to shut up and say get over it. but i cant.

clints friend anthony is going to introduce me to his friends. a girl will get my mind off things. even if i wont like her back. ive decided to be empty. have no feelings. i dont care if its not healthy. its better this way.

something that really pisses me off is that i try to tell clint about my problems and her just ignores me and starts talking about anthony. i just want to tell him that hes not in love with him that its a crush that you'll get over it.

my collapsing frame by commander venus is my song right now.

i was so desprete to talk to someone that i even talk to ming. fuck. i cant beleive i did.

right now my only friend is jeremy.

0 Comments
Mood: why do u care
: commander venus-my collapsing frame

silentjade random stuff Sep 12th, 2005 11:04:42 pm - Subscribe
wow i love being random. just something i like to do.

crash was a kickass movie. i need to buy it.

dede how can some that amazing have a shitting name like that??? i feel sad for her

im never taking gicel's advice anymore cuz always wrong. she always fills my head with such lies. that i should have known myself. cuz i know more about it. she says thing that shes not positive over. sure it was nice thinking about it but i know now what s true and whats not. and if she trys to tell me it is again im going slap her in the face and tell her that she doesnt know anything about this kind of thing. im so mad at her. i wrote a message to her on myspace explaining that she was wrong about everything and that if she tries to give me advice again i'll kick her in her face. but maybe i shouldnt balem her its my fault for beliveing her. but im never going to listen to her again.

i just went to one subject to another didnt i.

well i need t go and think things over.

IM NEVER LISINING TO GICEL AGAIN!!!
0 Comments
Mood: ??????
: postal service- nothing better

silentjade tony the pony!!! Sep 8th, 2005 10:19:39 pm - Subscribe
today was eventful. well not really same old boring day at bghs...

today richie and i made cards for chad. we put things like porn is cheaper than dating funny stuff. also richie and i put a sign on ginni's back that says "pony 5 cents per. ride". how does that kid make up these things. maybe cuz he watches t.v constantly.

in health me, richie, and chad were passing notes. the things those guys write r so fucking stupid but i cant help but laugh.

in human relation class we had a sub. we had to watch this movie called Nell. i was bored out of my mind. i was about to fall asleep. if we have to watch the rest tommorow i'll scream at mrs.ironpour.

we took this survey in guitar class so that the school district would give the music programs equal rights as the sports programs. people were getting mad at me because i was reading the questions out loud. and asking what should i bubble in. oh well i dont care what they think cuz there stupid.

-jade
0 Comments
Mood: i never know
: commander venus- we\'ll always have venus

silentjade trying to find the words to say when u awake Sep 6th, 2005 9:02:42 pm - Subscribe
ok my subject has nothing to do what im going to write about i just felt like saying that.

im trying to write a song cuz i had a shitty day today. i know what i want to write its all in my head but it just wont get on paper. i really suck at writing. i just do it cuz it helps me feel better when i dont have a good day.

at school everybody was being an asshole. like this guy in my enviromental science class. he said "wow your a genius." in a saracastic way. just cuz i couldnt put the text books up. its cuz im too short and the shelf was like a foot higher than me. curse my asianess. just everybody was being an asshole i cant even name them all. but the weird thing is. is that ally the bitchiest girl was really nice to me. maybe its cuz i let her copy my homework. im not even smart. shes getting a better in that class than me. i have a d and she has an a. i have no idea why. she copies off of me. fucking whore.

why is gicel right about everything. just something i always thought of. i need to take her advice. its just to hard to commit to. its so hard to be nice and respect someones feelings. that what i need to practice on. next time i see gicel i'll give her a big hug.

-jade
1 Comments
Mood: ???????
: the early november-every nights another story

silentjade i dont love him for his looks i love him for his music Sep 5th, 2005 4:19:31 pm - Subscribe
i was on myspace looking at bright eyes profile and i read all the comments. but on almost all the comments its somebody saying "conor your so hot i would fuck u in a second". i havent seen anyone say that he writes such pretty words or that his lyrics have touched their hearts. sure he's a beautiful man but i would care if he looked like chewbacca. i would still listen to his music. his music has touched my heart. he's the reason i started writing songs. well i wrote songs before i ever heard bright eyes. but ever since when i heard bright eyes for the first time i started trying to write songs that mean something.

i just love conor

-jade
2 Comments
: bright eyes- landlocked blues

crowsblood I\'m SO Back! Sep 4th, 2005 1:20:59 am - Subscribe
Wow, it's been quite a while, hasn't it? Sorry, for a small time I've abandoned Emo . . uh, Aeonity. For that small time, I went to Livejournal and MySpace, and let me tell you, those places are way over-rated! No one really comments on your blog, not like over here. I remember, back in the day I used to get a ton of comments. I really, really miss that.

So, I'm back, and this time for good. You guys are the greatest.
4 Comments
Mood: melodramatic

silentjade screw everything i ever said Sep 4th, 2005 12:35:31 am - Subscribe
forget whatever said about love. how love isnt real and its just about sex. and that the only reason why people say it is cuz they think its just the right thing to say. that was before sara. sara opened my eyes. she showed me not to be afraid to get close.

shes the only person that thinks im not a complete dumbass. shes perfect. she never makes me happy. i dont cry as much as i used to. she eased my lonleness. i met her on a chatroom. i know that sounds retarded. but i guess its not uncommon for people like myself. and what makes me love her even more is that she loves bright eyes.

the only problem is, is that she lives in england. and i live in arizona. but she told me that shes moving here next year. she told me that her dad is only letting her move here becuase she promised that she would work for him.

i cant wait for her to get here so i can hold her in my arms. what the fuck is wrong with me i never thought of holding a girl in my arms before.
0 Comments
Mood: in love
: bright eyes- first day of my life

silentjade i punched a hole through my door Aug 28th, 2005 7:57:02 am - Subscribe
clint came over my house yesterday. everything was going well. until he started to be his annoying self again. like everytime i went out of my room to go to the kitchen or something he would lock the door on me. and the second time he locked the door i got really mad and started punding the door until suddenly my hand went through the door. not completly through but there still is a hole. and i had to cover it up with this stupid sign that clint gave me that says angela's parking.

then later after we went to the movies. we came nback to my house. he wanted to burn another cd. i said sure. but i didnt have anymore blank cd's. he got mad. i told him that it wasnt my fault he used them all up. so he started to go through all my stuff in my room. he was looking for my guitar pics. he said he wants to put them in his binder. but he doesnt even play guitar! i bet he just tells people he plays guitar. he dresses like a skater but he doesnt even skate. i toid him he was a poser and he said if i am i dont care.

hes my best friend but he pisses me off to the point that i punch a hole through my door.

-jade
1 Comments
Mood: annoyed of the gay guy
: bright eyes-hit the switch

silentjade what happened in my life lately Aug 27th, 2005 1:05:22 pm - Subscribe
i've been in school for 2 weeks. its gotten better. a good thing is im not as depressed as i used to be. like the first day of school i was just so depressed cuz i wasnt used to the change. not that there was a big diffrence between highschool and middle school.

i have't talked to ming lately. i dont think he wants to talk to me anymore. but i dont think i should talk to him anymore. he brags about his money a lot. and also he was planning to use clint for sex. i dont think i can be friends with a guy that could do that to my best friend in the whole world.

i think ive been losing weight. thats a good thing cuz im tired of being that chubby little filipino girl.

-jade

2 Comments
Mood: queasy
: bright eyes- take it easy(love nothing)

silentjade what the hell Aug 23rd, 2005 10:41:12 pm - Subscribe
today ive been saying to myself what the hell alot. ok me and chad were walking down to my locker and then allison the girl farted on me last year comes up to me and hugs me and she tells me that its her birthday in my head i was like what the hell this skank just hugged me. she probably just wants everybody to tell her happy b-day. well to make her happy i said "happy birthday allison". i said it in the fakest possible way that anybody can say happy birthday. and i had the fake smile on my face like all the other girls in my grade have when they talk to me.

then the other time i said what the hell is when chad told me that diana makes gabby spy on our conversations. i bet she thinks i'm going to steal him away from her. which is absolutly not true. first of all hes a guy. and also he has crunchy hair. hes just a friend. a very weird friend thats likes to talk about oral alot. that made me say what the hell. thai just have zero intrest in that kid.

-jade

1 Comments
Mood: what the hell
: dashboard confessional-remember to breath

silentjade jeremy is right Aug 22nd, 2005 12:10:19 am - Subscribe
jeremy is so right im really fucked up.cuz i told him that the number 1 reason i dont want to be with rayne anymore is cuz shes fat and wears axe. but also i dont want to be with her cuz she isnt fun to talk to. gillian is the opposite of rayne. she so fun to talk to. i've never met a girl like her. wow i sound really retarded talking so highly of her.

i've been really shallow lately. but isnt that how all teens r like. cuz i used to like girls for there personlity. but now its all like "wow she hot i want to fuck her" why am i acting like this. but ive noticed ever since gillian told me she doesnt like me back. ive been like this. she has no idea how much that hurt me. i called a bitch and that i didnt really care if she didnt like me or not so that she wouldnt know how much it hurt me. i need to move on anyways. i should just try to be with rayne even if she is fat and wears axe.

-jade
0 Comments
Mood: i dont know
: david pajo- unity

silentjade havent posted in a while Aug 20th, 2005 1:30:09 pm - Subscribe
ive been pretty busy lately with school and stuff. nothing special happened. erin still doesnt notice me but u know i dont really let that get to me. im not like clinton whos obsessed with the people he likes. i just like them i dont try to figure they live, get my friends to take a picture of the guy, just kidding clint if ur reading this.

i have to go to my moms friends house again. i dont really feel like seeing my filipino friends today.

i also have to go to the denist to get my fillings.

i'll update later on what happenes.
0 Comments
Mood: ...
: bright eyes- poisen oak

silentjade i love human relation class Aug 16th, 2005 11:59:50 pm - Subscribe
ahhh i love that class for one reason and it starts with an e. erin. shes a junior. shes beautiful and nice. we were talking about music. i told her my favorite band was bright eyes but she never heared of them. so maybe i should burn her a copy. she really likes john mayer i guess hes not that bad i like that song ur body is a wonderland. but i have a felling she one of those girls. like the popular cheerleaders,something like that. im glad she was my partner i got to interveiw. but only thinks of me as the shy little freshmen that sits in front of her in human relations class.

2 Comments
Mood: infatuated
: bright eyes- first day of my life

silentjade my first day of school Aug 15th, 2005 4:56:11 pm - Subscribe
i hate school already.

in first period i have enviromental science. well ally is in that class. what a fucking bitch. well anyways we had to pick a number from a pile and the number will be where we sit. but with my luck i got seat 10 and ally got seat 11. so i have to sit next. shes so difficult to sit by.

then i have health education, i hate the teacher he reminds me of mr.innone. and thats bad.

then algebra that class sucks too. the teacher seems like a bitch.

but the best part of the day is lunch cuzi can be my loud and obnoxious self.

languge arts is next. that class is good cuz i have friends in that class. taylor and josh.

next human relations. thers like only 2 other freshmens edis and that kid that moved seth. i met this really nice girl erin. but canyways that class sucks too.

then guitar. its good because i like guitar and the guitar teacher seems really cool. theres only 2 other girls in that class.

i have a feeling this year is going to make me severely depressed. and i feel like im going to be so annoyed of everybody. im already annoyed like this kid in my algebra class seems like one of those stupid guys that wont ever shut there mouth. anyways im going to go take a nap cuz im fucking tired. please excuse my bad languge i just had a miserable day at school.
0 Comments
Mood: stoic

silentjade someone kill me school starts tommorow Aug 14th, 2005 9:38:05 pm - Subscribe
back to school tommorow. ill update tommorow.
1 Comments
Mood: undesirable