love songs to the pacific ocean

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curve.

[today] Mar 14th, 2018 4:10:41 pm - Subscribe

I’m not about
straight lines,
never was.

flawless
is not my kind
of beautiful.

I dwell in the
curves, in
the corners;

I’m alive in
the gradient
of light,

the elliptical orbit,
travel of shadow,
circuit of seasons.

I’m not about
the angle,
never will be.

what is
is what is
beautiful to me.

seek and find
along gentle hills,
in uneven riverbeds:

moss-soft wind,
houndstooth leaf,
full, round flesh.

I never was
about becoming
smaller.

[I am] warm.

[your thoughts] 0


in the shadow of the moon

[today] Aug 21st, 2017 10:54:51 pm - Subscribe

the god in you
gently brushed closed
the sun’s eyelid.

the god in me
spent her daytime hours
pulling us back

from underneath
the deep shadow
of the moon.

the god in the earth
held her breath,
only hoping —

at times, faith
is all we have
to fall upon.

the gods in us
in half-light stood,
a pinhole crescent;

and the god in me
bathes, relieved
in the evening glow.

the sky again
unencumbered.
the sun is free.

[I am] contemplative.

[your thoughts] 0


ten years.

[today] Jul 16th, 2016 6:12:50 pm - Subscribe

I was the same soul
when this began

the words in my veins
never change;
but more arrive
every day

ten years slipped
past like a wave

there was always
a home for me
in poetry and in
this imaginary place

this decade is
the one I am built on

ten years from now
I will still be
this soul, this
human, this sister

I will still be a dreamer
you'll know me

recognize me
by my words
and my seasons
if we ever passed

I will know you by
your constant light

my love songs are
for the ocean and
for you, if you
still remember

meet you ten years
down the road.

[I am] joyful.
[inspiration] I've been writing here for a decade. thanks for existing <3

[your thoughts] 5


after.

[today] Feb 20th, 2016 4:24:28 am - Subscribe

after.

it's always
after
that the full
impact hits.

it's later,
in the quiet.

it's not
when I am
in it
that I feel it:

it's after,
on my own.

in memory,
I want all
the wanting
that I

could not
allow

with you
right there
in reach.

I never
reach
for you.

instead,
after
you go,

when I
am alone,

I tremble
and spin
in currents

too strong;

I ache,

but only

after.

[I am] aching.

[your thoughts] 0


February

[today] Feb 8th, 2016 6:27:01 pm - Subscribe

it's better
than words,
and I am

lost in it,
spellbound
I'm dreaming

memory plays
while I wander
in its haze

and follow the
shades of you,
echoes of us

blind to the
night roads
the grey sky

what I see is
your smile and
your dark eyes

laughing with
the past, I
let time slip

turn a corner
step into the
february flurry

swirling cascade
of a million
blushing petals

from tree limbs
austere and bare
one week ago

the air is alive
with these threads
of tenderness

beginning
rains down
onto me and

I can't help it:
shut my eyes
and hope hard

this is better
than words and
I'm lost in it.

[I am] brave

[your thoughts] 0


other stars.

[today] Jan 31st, 2016 6:57:17 am - Subscribe

ten years ago

one clear
mountain night
we watched
orion rise

in the firelight
I fell and fell
in love
the first time

ten years later

worlds apart
I ran beneath
the night sky
in all your stars

and all along
you were
over my
shoulder

I thought
it was to
cast my path
into darkness

to show me
my own
shadows
ten years later

orion holds
in the east
all along you lit
the way for me

as if I
could go
back to
the mountain

the firelight
to that night
could touch
our young faces

could say
yes. yes
love is real
love is worthy

it is all,
it moves
the sun
the other stars

ten years later
orion holds
worlds apart
we collide

[I am] nostalgic.

[your thoughts] 2


reflection

[today] Dec 21st, 2015 1:22:49 am - Subscribe

I was made
for the empty
bloodless hours

I was a temple
to memory
a reflection

I was born for
thin shadows
winter moonlight

I understood
solitude at the
intrinsic level

I was meant
to hold hands
with ghosts

I was less
a person, more
a hypothesis

I was the one
holding on
to the past

[I am] watchful.

[your thoughts] 0


chapter one.

[today] Dec 6th, 2015 12:54:16 pm - Subscribe

where I am
is at last at
the beginning.

when the vernal wind
sweeps spring along
fresh and lively into
early summer.

I am twenty-five.

again the calendar
ticks over;
it always has,
as far as I know.

regardless.

I remain at this point
in my own june.

I'm twenty-five,

and I like to feel
the cold air on my skin
and I like to be
alone

and sometimes I
love deeply enough
to split my shell open

to let the light in.

and everything
before this was the
prologue.

finally it begins.
all is set in motion.

I'm twenty-five and

now I will make things
happen,

and finally
I go
wherever I go from here.

[I am] thoughtful.

[your thoughts] 0


cold.

[today] Sep 24th, 2015 10:06:44 pm - Subscribe

you pretend
the raindrops
are bullets
take cover

you're anxious
silvery wind
may slip in
to touch you

you tell me
the waves are
too cold now
for swimming

I am outside
rain drenching
thin clothing
I can't hear

I am under the
green glass ocean
cold-blooded
as a fish

and maybe it's
because I was
made for these
northern forests

or maybe I'm
burning inside
and the water
evaporates

or maybe I
am something
not entirely
human or

maybe I am
already frozen
and so
merely numb

[I am] away.

[your thoughts] 0


August

[today] Aug 10th, 2015 2:57:09 am - Subscribe

you cannot know
what someone else
may find beautiful.

perhaps even
those things you
keep in shadows

perhaps more so
the parts you
rarely let show

perhaps best
to bravely shed
your armour

to let the wind
wash through you

to touch things
with your real skin

and be hurt
by what's worth
hoping for.

[I am] always hopeful.

[your thoughts] 0


July

[today] Jul 19th, 2015 12:12:23 pm - Subscribe

it's not you.
not your lean, tan arms,
your smoky smile.

it's not the height of you,
your strong shoulders,
the way you move.

it isn't you, it's me:
my summer skin,
my endless energy;

the way I feel -
sun-drunk, at ease -
the way, with you, I'm me.

it's not you,
it's purely circumstance
the way, with you, I'm free.

when you appear,
I swoon and fall
in love with all July,

but it's not you
I'm falling for -
it's what you do to me.

it's not you, it's me
this time and place
this brief, sweet season

what I become, at last -
what I now have,
I've always wanted.

the diving-forward momentum,
the stomach flip,
the soaring heart

are symptoms of
the exhilaration
of being next to you,

of being me right now,
of wanting nothing else,
of fitting into myself.

it's not you,
it's me who will
remember this all my life.

[I am] manic.

[your thoughts] 0


gesture.

[today] Feb 15th, 2015 3:46:18 pm - Subscribe

if you picked up
a pebble
dusty and smooth
on your way home
because you were
thinking of me
and pressed it
into my palm
I would count it among
my most valued.
if you saw me smile
at a little flower growing
unwanted somewhere
and plucked it for me
it would bloom
in my mind's eye
all my life.
but we sit together
in candlelit silence
and romantic splendor
and you do not
take my offered hand
across the table
and I ask for too much
again
I ask for
too much.

[I am] anxious.

[your thoughts] 0


orion.

[today] Sep 2nd, 2014 8:14:56 pm - Subscribe

rain descends:
a soft, emphatic
curtain
ending summer.

topmost leaves
already faded
green to gold
in the heat.

and such relief.

as orion rises
in the east
and storms
revive the
winter green,

I, for once,
don't ache
for spring -

the autumn
brings
new life
to me.

I face
what comes:

I'm still
free.

[I am] alive.

[your thoughts] 0


I was free.

[today] Jun 27th, 2014 7:04:35 pm - Subscribe

once.
I folded up
myself like
a paper airplane
and
launched me
into the blue

and flew.

then.
upon arrival I
breathed in
the ocean air
and unfurled;
grew roots
deep into
that earth

and stayed.

I was
free.

I am
home.

I want
both.

[I am] existential.

[your thoughts] 0


lost.

[today] Apr 27th, 2014 1:25:12 pm - Subscribe

I break the peace:

if I had my
malevolent way
this city
would empty out

people, their dogs
and their cars
would evaporate

and leave me
with the landscape

because my skin
is too much too
small for me

and my feet have
devoured the space
of this island
running from one shore
to the opposite

now I'll never be
blissfully lost
and I'll never be
lonely again

and I've never felt
so shackled by
anything I've loved
this much

but I made this bed
and I'll hide under it.
have a drink, and
I'll shrink to my
reduced self

like I'll never
be lonely again;
like I've never felt
lost in my life.

[I am] bitter.

[your thoughts] 0


becoming.

[today] Apr 13th, 2014 2:59:00 pm - Subscribe

an enchanted sleep
on the sharp edge
of summer, in
a blooming field -

you fall under
its spell and
then are lost to
wander in sunlight.

in dappled shade
of sweet-scented green,
I breathe in
the spring breeze;

sing to me until
I don't remember
bitter winter's
grey memory.

all I need is the
change in season
to drown in light,
and will not struggle.

after this moment,
the wanting stops:
you become what you are
and cannot be shifted.

[I am] holding my breath.

[your thoughts] 0


begin.

[today] Feb 28th, 2014 10:47:51 am - Subscribe

leaving
is a thing that
I've learned.

I can't shake
the sadness
of endings,

the finality
of goodbye,
the knowing

wherever
I go now,
I will not

ever stand
at this window
again.

but sadness
is a thing that
I've grown around

and learned
the only way
is onward.

I've come
to love
the road itself -

even when it
leads from where
I've been happy -

and follow now
without the
weight of sorrow

to beginnings
and new days
and new homes.

[I am] in sunlight.

[your thoughts] 0


the match

[today] Feb 14th, 2014 2:05:20 pm - Subscribe

we don't
speak about
love

in detail.

as if
words and
closeness

obscure
one another.

but in case
my eyes
and my hands

haven't
told you,

in words
today I
will say

what is true:

that you are
every light
in my sky

and also that

you are
every comfort
that I need

and, without
hesitation,

that you are
the match
to my soul

and I
love you so.

[I am] enjoying life.

[your thoughts] 0


deeper currents.

[today] Jan 8th, 2014 5:32:45 pm - Subscribe

when did I
become
the island?

belonging
to tall trees,
wing-grey sky

withered
without rain
and salt air

senses strain
for the sound
of wave wash

when did you
become my
ocean?

without your
ebb and tidal
overlapping

I am flung
dry, stranded
longing seaward

until you
rush back in
to claim me

I am
an island
lost in you

and I am
adrift
without you.

[I am] dreaming.

[your thoughts] 0


reactive material

[today] Jan 6th, 2014 11:00:43 pm - Subscribe

what else
can I say?

maybe
you're right
to look at me
that way.

I am
a grenade
with the pin
just inching.

I am the
alarm wire
tripping in
your silence.

I'm not
a portrait,
but instead
a mirror.

and what else
can I
possibly

say?

[I am] tense.

[your thoughts] 0


fragmentation

[today] Nov 24th, 2013 2:04:03 pm - Subscribe

I am a
one-thousand-piece
jigsaw

of a picture of
a girl

in a box
containing
782 pieces.

sometimes I
find one or two
under a rug,
inside
a teapot

but I
am rarely
assembled

mysteriously,
never whole

the complete image
remaining elusive

and the joke is:
the box
came empty.

[I am] lost.

[your thoughts] 1


what I can't write

[today] Jul 2nd, 2013 3:44:01 pm - Subscribe

happiness
is simple.

its promise
can sell anything

but the words
for it elude me,
now and always.

I am after
happiness,
part pursuer and
part gardener

and built a life
to contain
the joy I found

and all my words
had been enough

until I stood
next to you,
and they
were not.

words come
or they don't -
it's simple.

so I rewrite
my lines… or try:

happiness
is the fabric
of my world

I swim
through joy,
silver fish in
sunlit water

brush your skin,
I'm breathless
effortless
everything all

meet your eyes
and words fail.

happiness
is simple:
we are
made of it.

[I am] dreaming.

[your thoughts] 1


worth it.

[today] May 31st, 2013 1:52:14 pm - Subscribe

tastes like
sunlight in
your veins, in
the fresh air —
a molecule song;
dust mote dance

that first bite
sweet, unexpected
and sense of
becoming real as
chemicals connect

and yes,
too much is toxic
— a dangerous
temptation, the
loss of all
perspective —
but

don't
forget again:
it's worth it —
hope is
this good.

[I am] excited

[your thoughts] 0


beginning

[today] May 27th, 2013 10:26:31 pm - Subscribe

however
failure hurts,
worse infinite
to try to be
and not
to be.

but it
matters
what you
think of me.

so this is
the death of
poetry: not
murder, just
accident -
slow drown.

if only i
loved myself
the way i
hope another
could love me.

[I am] silent.

[your thoughts] 0


moments.

[today] May 8th, 2013 11:31:15 am - Subscribe

unexpectedly,
life becomes
simple again:

wordless I
walk under blue sky
stay busy, keep
moving all day

exhausted I
read until my
eyelids drop closed,
skimming words
without diving

and sleep deeply
discourage dreaming
not out of fear
but from weariness

was there a time
when things were
different?
the memory eludes.

like I said, life
is made out of
moments -

being with you
was one;
without you,
another -

it will pass
it will pass

it will pass.

[I am] resigned.

[your thoughts] 0


experience

[today] May 1st, 2013 12:55:34 am - Subscribe

I was better
when I
was new

before
these scratches
on my skin

before
we were ruled
by reflections

all dreams
equal and
untouched

I was better
when I was
unknown

because
then I was
all things

I was better
when I never
asked why

when I only
wanted
when

find me
a way to be
better again

[I am] restless.

[your thoughts] 0


what we are

[today] Mar 11th, 2013 11:46:42 pm - Subscribe

wind both hands
up to the top,
reset the clock
and start again

hear the ticking
beating pulse
tense to run
then I recall:

this isn't then -
it's now, and you
are you and I'm
not broken

I am free,
so wind me up
and I'll restart
the system

take both your
hands in mine:
where this goes,
it goes - that's all

we give of what
we are, and I am
free, I'm strong
I'm whole,

not broken.
and all you are,
you are to me
so let it be.

and start again
springs unwind
forget the clock,
just give it time.

[I am] optimistic.

[your thoughts] 0


under.

[today] Mar 2nd, 2013 3:46:08 pm - Subscribe

swim up
to the light
and

at the surface,
I reach out
just before
breathing and

brush your
fingertips

lungs scream
for air,
but I'm under
and there's

one thing I
want more
than

oxygen.

[I am] hypnotized.
[inspiration] Hammock - Just Before Breathing

[your thoughts] 0


absolutely

[today] Feb 25th, 2013 1:04:52 pm - Subscribe

maybe.

hectic fever
in my veins
and shaking
the iron core

and maybe

destruction
in the rush
oncoming
never felt

so calm -

so maybe

swept up in
this current;
in my bones,
it's so right

and maybe
it's more

than maybe.

[I am] :)

[your thoughts] 0


metamorph.

[today] Feb 3rd, 2013 5:16:51 pm - Subscribe

in glory
emerging

shedding
the chrysalis

unhooking
all gravity

finally -
finally.

the mirror
gives me shape

yes, at last
my soul shows

in layers
falling away;

in lines
and curves

shadows and
softness that

finally
resemble me

my skin is
not my story

but, at last,
does illustrate

hinting beauty
and power

I always knew
was in me.

[I am] lucky.

[your thoughts] 2


logic.

[today] Jan 27th, 2013 7:56:13 pm - Subscribe

so by
the first time
I lay eyes
on you

you'll be
already so
deep in
my psyche

that I'll
rearrange my
perception
of time

surely not
mere days
since you
weren't there

and surely
you're closer
geography
untied

the clock
unravels with
every word
between

you're more
to me now
than logic
allows.

[I am] wondering.

[your thoughts] 0


end of

[today] Dec 30th, 2012 12:06:14 am - Subscribe

at the end of
the fading year
I face the dark,
through with
looking back

all I am is
moving onward
all I want is
ahead, not behind
or beside

your image is
a cloud passing
through the light
of clarity

and this could be
the start

I draw lines along
the straight, narrow
edges I walk
but still I
don't rule you out
you got inside

I relearned
tried to guard
against hope
but wanting you
goes on and on

need without reason
as though I
breathe in all you are
not sense,
but essence

I want to become
what I haven't been
and forget these
shadows of sadness
I am hiding in

damned if I'll be
watching the night
slip away
as this lovely dawn
draws near ahead

and damned again
if I'll act like stone
while you are
burning through,
lighting up my veins

this is the end of
weeding out hope
let it spring, the
eternal green,
all around my life

let it grow in such
verdant abundance
that I'll still be
surrounded when
some is crushed.

this is the end of
what I held:
against, back
and onto

and.
this is the start of
everything ahead
you are where
I go
from here.

[I am] hoping.

[your thoughts] 0


october.

[today] Oct 19th, 2012 5:06:53 pm - Subscribe

time moves strangely
a fluid perception
ebbs past and
rushes over my senses
mysteriously
rippling out from
one moment beside you
the wellspring for me
of every second
and hour since
memory collects time
in deep clear pools
between white rapids
where I dive
and drown
and linger
awareness overflowing
do I move
across time
a leaf on a river
or does it flow
over me
a stone in a stream
drift in the current
from past toward future
yours are
the minutes
that flood me.

[I am] reflective.

[your thoughts] 0


these days.

[today] Oct 4th, 2012 1:37:56 am - Subscribe

life goes on
and like that
you lost me

and it's not
that I don't
have enough now

only that
the time we had
meant so much

and I couldn't
bring it back
it was then

and I wouldn't
make you stay
you are free

it's just that
without you
it's not the same

this place is
less beautiful
without you in it

and it's not like
I can't go on
without you

it's just that
quietly, deeply
I miss you.

[I am] forlorn.

[your thoughts] 0


full circle.

[today] Aug 22nd, 2012 6:41:43 pm - Subscribe

woke before sunrise
to the subtle shift

something
has changed

continuum from
sky blue summer
to autumn's crimson

with the season
across an invisible
violet line

something
is different

the sun seems farther
the breeze
whispers of a chill

the things I
have said goodbye to
this summer -

and now to say
goodbye
to this summer

what I have been,
and where

the things I have found
and what I lost
in the gaining

what held me to spring
and the year, full circle

goodbye, summer.
I shift with the wind;

I begin again.

[I am] ready.

[your thoughts] 0


pacific.

[today] Jul 28th, 2012 12:53:06 am - Subscribe

even if I
were a small
darting fish
slicing silver
through
icy, clear
saltwater

even if I
danced
upon the
ocean floor,
kelp ribbons
swaying to
the wave-song

even if
I were the
morning sun
northern wind
ancient cedar
harbour mist

even were I
all these
together
I would
still not be

as beautiful
by half
as the Pacific
in all its moods
and faces.

[I am] longing.

[your thoughts] 0


I am made of

[today] Jun 16th, 2012 3:03:24 am - Subscribe

wash of waves
against stones
sun-pale driftwood
bleached on slate-grey
the bones of gods
who made islands
and whispering water

fresh chill salt air
my skin, my lips
taste the ocean
I am home; north
beneath pearl sky
mountains near
wrap my land safe

rocks echo with
plangent gull-cry
pebbles shiver at
the sea's caress

calls me to let go
leave my body,
the shore, the stone
of my island
swim into
silver light and
jade-green depth
stormy swell and
glassy ripple

the cold and clear;
the sound and tide
I hear its voice
my heart is full
I feel the pull —
I answer.

[I am] home.

[your thoughts] 2


in midair.

[today] Apr 11th, 2012 12:03:34 am - Subscribe

if we
meet in midair

cross paths 
above mountains
or oceans

brush wings
in the night
between stars
and city lights

should we
happen to 
pass in flight 

I want you 
to know 
I want nothing 
from you

a part of me 
just returns 
to you

if we meet
in midair 
and are honest 

you should know
I'll always 
think of you
flying over me

in a way
I forgave you
from the start

and here
with our mirrors
and maps

our futures
and past

suspended
over night
landscapes 

where we
crossed paths
brushed wings 

I want you
to know
the horizon is
all I see

the mountains
and ocean
mean more to me

I let you go
and I 
am free

to meet you
in midair 

brush wings
one more time

pass by
in the night

above mountains 
and oceans.

[I am] in flight.

[your thoughts] 0


captive.

[today] Mar 5th, 2012 7:52:36 pm - Subscribe

what is it
about you

and how
you slip into
my veins

quietly
and then

I am in
your grasp
suddenly

what is it
about

that hint
of depth
of darkness

of knowing
there's more

what is it
that pulls me
toward you

drives me
to dive in

lets me
glory in
drowning

what is it
about you

?

[I am] strange.

[your thoughts] 0


after

[today] Mar 4th, 2012 6:24:38 pm - Subscribe

on the bitter side
of desire,

which begins
slyly -
magnifying
by night,
by stealth -

until I
turn to you
and am
overwhelmed
without warning,

and which
consumes
in a slow burn;
a hostile,
glorious
takeover -

filling me
with lightness
and high hopes;
thinking
of you -

and then
slowly
drains from me,
leaving me
empty

when I
wonder
if I might ever
cross your
consciousness -

of course not.

this one-sided
flame doused;
a cold, damp
cavity

waiting for
desire to
ignite again:
light me,
lift me

and leave me
with this
aftertaste:
the bitterness
of wanting.

[I am] resigned.

[your thoughts] 0


how to break a heart

[today] Feb 8th, 2012 11:27:04 pm - Subscribe

the space
in my life
where I
left you
gapes
a chasm
only the
wind crosses
stealing
the chill
through me
to my
fingertips

the part
of myself
mirroring
you
has been
shattered
torn out
left behind
sorrow and
loneliness
creep into
the void

learning
to ignore
the pitiful
bereft self
that wails
for mercy
begs me
to turn back
go home
try again

learning
the hard way
how to
break
a heart
destroy
the thing
you love

the space
where once
I had you
echoes
frigid and
aching
learning
the hard way
how to
let you
down.

[I am] horrible.

[your thoughts] 0


vernum.

[today] Jan 18th, 2012 2:59:49 am - Subscribe

in the
changing season,
finally alone with
myself,
I can hear you -

on the shore
of molten winter;
in whispering,
tentative green
and pendulous
droplet -

isolate
what creates me;
your voice
separate from
my thoughts -

you surround
the surface
of my mind like
frost
on clear glass.

spring comes -
the sun warms;
you melt from me
and I am not
less,

only unhindered.

[I am] free.

[your thoughts] 0


forward.

[today] Dec 6th, 2011 1:36:45 am - Subscribe

the joy
of motion:

I feel,
therefore
I must go
forward.

I live,
therefore I
must go
elsewhere.

never so
alive
as I am
with a plan;

perfection
in departure.

I breathe,
therefore
I cannot
remain here -

so I leave,
and therefore
I rebuild
my world.

striving
to find the
place I
belong in,

and once I
have found it -
to set off
again.

[I am] speculative.

[your thoughts] 1


fate.

[today] Nov 28th, 2011 11:58:50 pm - Subscribe

I ask myself
more times

than there
are pebbles on
the beach:

why now
and here?

did my path
divide?

would I
have gone
another way?

yet.

the wheel
turns, and

things do
change.

and to see
this place
alight with

warmth and
laughter;
to feel
the sun on me

and all the
living things
that grow
and thrive;

to smell
the ocean,
a glimpse
of waves -

the wheel
turns and

my path
is clear:

I was
always
coming here.

[I am] content.

[your thoughts] 0


north.

[today] Oct 30th, 2011 12:52:17 am - Subscribe

just because
you cannot see
the majesty of
this night sky
doesn't mean I
will close my eyes
lay down my head
become blind

because you freeze
at winter's touch
does not mean
I also wrap up
and miss feeling
the North, the
thrilling chill
on my own skin

you can reject
this place in favour
of somewhere
different, called home
unwilling to understand
but I was born to
inherit the cold lands
the forests, prairies
and oceans

just because you
follow your
narrow road
and you don't catch
the rain's scent
does not mean I
stick to the given path
so I run for the fields
breathe in the storm

just because you
choose not to
belong here
does not mean
I do not claim
this place that
belongs to me.

[I am] irritated.

[your thoughts] 0


retracing.

[today] Oct 24th, 2011 8:45:52 pm - Subscribe

illusions like
scales from
the eyes fall

and now I see it.

take me back
to believing
it was that easy.

I have seen
into the hearts
of others,

and now I see that

what faith
I held in you
was fruitless.

perception
changed and
vision altered

so I can see that

vain hope
for better was
a pacifying drug

exhausting
my reserves
of courage.

and now I see it:

becoming alien
to myself in
naive distraction

I can't identify
the body attached
to my soul

but I can see that

I was lost
the moment I
began trying -

it was never
going to be
that easy.

[I am] cold.

[your thoughts] 0


axis.

[today] Sep 25th, 2011 2:42:21 am - Subscribe

sometimes I am still
and the world
spins around me

and I am the centre
of a great wheel
going round;
I'm the axis

in the storm's eye
awake, I hold
my breath

and wait
for the floor
to decide

throw open
the window, drink
cool dark air

which tastes
of the sea
and calls me,

like a needle
finding north,
to the ocean

lost in chaotic tides,
and the sand
revolves beneath me

I am the axis
of earth, ocean
and sky, circling

I am still and
the world spins
around me

in the storm's eye
I sleep, breathing
the salt air,

and wait for
the ground to
decide.

[I am] still.

[your thoughts] 0


better.

[today] Aug 24th, 2011 10:46:13 pm - Subscribe

we go on
somehow.

each day
as your flame
grows dimmer
and fades

the distance
each moment
draws

and we
go on.
somehow.

even without
your light
your spirit.

because
you were,
I am
better.

and now
I feel you
everywhere

you make us
strong;
you
make us free

our glowing hearts
aflame,
for you

we go on
somehow,
even now.

and I light
this candle
for you.

[ My friends,
love is better than anger.
Hope is better than fear.
Optimism is better than despair.
So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic.
And we'll change the world.

- Jack Layton
1950-2011 ]

[I am] sad.

[your thoughts] 0


at dusk.

[today] Aug 22nd, 2011 11:20:48 pm - Subscribe

it was never -
you were never.
there's nothing
here to see.

looking over
my shoulder, I find
you were not
following me -

and now, at last
it's clear that
it never was;
will never be.

find me in the glow
of dusk, streetlights -
lit up in your
bright headlights -

smell of
summer asphalt,
your tires and the
speed, my pulse.

find me - I will
get in and we'll go.
scent of your skin;
your closeness

lingers in me -
this scene that
never was, and now
I know will never be.

and I didn't see:
we did not miss
our time - you had
no time for me.

so find me
in the dark with
your search lights,
your headlights -

I will ask you
nothing; I have
somewhere else
to be.

[I am] underwhelmed.

[your thoughts] 0


parting

[today] Aug 21st, 2011 12:47:55 am - Subscribe

goodbye.
goodbye.

[the only good
learned from
constant leaving -

trailing from
one place to
yet another]

goodbye,
goodbye

[is that you
can take it
with you:

home is nothing
to do with
where you are]

goodbye -
goodbye

[the only good
in any number
of partings

is to discover
you lost nothing
and are whole]

and so,
goodbye;

goodbye.

[I am] patient.

[your thoughts] 0


hunger.

[today] Aug 8th, 2011 10:53:54 pm - Subscribe

restlessly wanting,
I hear and follow
and chase the echo

I ache inexplicably
for a thing I do not
recognize or grasp

so I fill and overflow
with this: a desire
I cannot make real

toss and turn tonight,
sailing out the storm
of wide-eyed hunger

perpetual scanning of
hallways and corners
fearful of missing it

hopeful of some sign
show me which way
epiphanic insomnia

endlessly craving, I
wander in the wake
of a dream slipping

a ghost I pursue to
edges of meaning
and then... beyond.

[I am] inexplicable.

[your thoughts] 0


shift.

[today] Jul 7th, 2011 10:48:40 pm - Subscribe

the wind changes
shifting senses

dry summer heat
and now, late,
the storm arriving

these days spent
learning never to
expect anything,
fate altered

and restless air
is electric, my
signals crossed or
I'd have gone elsewhere

but you drew me -
inexplicable magnet -
chance transformed

wanting to reach
for you, a new path

just to know how
it'd feel, holding you

to discover if you'd
taste as I imagine
like the summer storm

these days I never
expect anything, only
wonder and hope
and feel the air shifting

something electric
in you pulls me in
signals crossing,
wires sparking

want you to see
I am here, open,
if your path changes

a quiet storm in
the summer twilight.

[I am] charged.

[your thoughts] 3


divided

[today] Jun 17th, 2011 11:06:11 pm - Subscribe

a house divided
against itself
must fall.

and a life
divided?

sectioned into
fenced-off areas;

keeping pieces in
separate boxes -

mirror: I see
your mistakes
in both of
my own eyes,

so I never
get to be
whole, and I
never reconcile -

how can I?

halves, at odds,
are parts of you
and repel

if you
couldn't stay
together, then
how can I
unite
myself?

if you couldn't
love
each other,
how will
my own bonds
be strong enough?

two sides
recognize
each other -
I can't be one
when I
am both

the pressure
imploding
divided, like you,
against myself,
I fall

I am not
equal
to the sum
of my parts,
so I fail

you shield
your flaws
from blame, and
history repeats:
I fall

divided,
like you, but
against myself,
my fate
is sealed:

I fall.

[I am] at odds.

[your thoughts] 0


change.

[today] Apr 24th, 2011 3:25:52 pm - Subscribe

before towers
took root;
before train tracks
splintered out
like veins,

the rolling foothills,
the river valley
belonged
to the man at
the station

who asks if I
can spare a dollar,
because I
remind him of
his daughter.

he explains where
I can catch my bus
(I look lost)
he says

he's been there
all day
hoping to net that
spare change -
no luck yet.

and all I can see
is the prairie - once,
before the sidewalks,
before the stores.

that's the kind
of change
we hand out
to those who wait.

I remind him
of his daughter -
but I'll look after
my father
for all of his days;

and this daughter
has let him down,
just like the land that
should have been his.

I don't have a dollar
to give him, so I go,

but my soul stays
beside him -
on a bench at a station
in a city on the prairie -

also hoping
for change.

[I am] regretful.

[your thoughts] 0


erosion.

[today] Apr 16th, 2011 10:36:12 pm - Subscribe

all of it
beyond me
now, floating
away

I'm trying
to learn
that I
can't stay -

yet I still
reach back,
grasp the next
solid thing
I know
to be true

and feel it
dissolve -

the foundation
I'm built on is
washing away;

all of my
elements
unstitched,

I'm adrift.

[I am] lost.

[your thoughts] 0


all things

[today] Apr 3rd, 2011 10:03:45 pm - Subscribe

an education
in the fine art of
goodbyes;

a lesson
in loving
and letting go.

acceptance:
last to arrive
in sorrow -

the passing
of all that I
thought I held.

teach me
how to let go,
and release me.

I open my
hands - finally,
freefall -

I see now:
all things are
transient.

[I am] hopeful

[your thoughts] 0


alternate

[today] Mar 26th, 2011 9:17:10 pm - Subscribe

gravity intensifies
my orbit
slipping
sideways

until you become
the centre
drawing me in
spinning me round

these parallels
|the things |
|that might |
|have been|

the membrane
between
alternate worlds

force you
into being,
in the future,

and to exist
a little closer
to my core.

[I am] hopeful.

[your thoughts] 2


wings

[today] Mar 23rd, 2011 2:22:27 am - Subscribe

and I don't know
why you
should have
any hold on me now

except once
in your eyes
I saw the sky
reflected

and though I
could never see
beneath
your surface

for a moment
at least
I knew
your mind

though you
elude me
when I try to
look deeper

I yet sense
your longing;
your intention
to fly

earthbound
as I am,
you fill me
with wonder

the rush of
your intensity
and inscrutable
ways,

subtle hint of
your darkness
drawing me,
inexorable,

and the thrill of
the thought
of a moment
upon your wings.

[I am] overtired.

[your thoughts] 0


reality

[today] Mar 21st, 2011 2:20:06 pm - Subscribe

(in my dreams)
no time at all
has passed
so I go and
I find you
and there you are,
before me

(and in dreams)
there are miracles
so I end up
in your arms
how could it be
otherwise?

(and in my dream)
you open the door
and I see your face -
so perfect -
and I'm relieved:
you're real.
I thought it might have been a...

and I wake
(of course)
in a room I recognize
and you're a million miles away
not knowing I think of you
nor that I ever did

I find your photograph
and there, your perfect face
not smiling for me -
only in dreams
do you look at me that way.

(and you
are far away
and I...
don't want to wake.)

[I am] frustrated.

[your thoughts] 3


unlearning.

[today] Dec 5th, 2010 9:17:31 pm - Subscribe

unlearning
what came with the price
what I paid dearly to know:
that life has walls and
you stay in yours
once you find them

unlearning
ways of seeing
to bleed away
the poison
of thinking I
know anything
at all

unlearning
to remember
what the words were

like the bloody elves
and that idiot shoemaker,
words turned the world for me
until I looked for them
to find they were never there

I'll lie here
in the dust of my ruins
serenading poetry
until it returns

I'll unlearn every
snare, every trap and trick
to capture words
taught by every teacher
of every creative art

until I return
to the base
of the temple
of language

where I worshipped
before I believed
I was god

I'll take any oath
submit myself to
be blinded from the eyes
of the world at my door

I cast the jury
from inside my head
to judge my feelings
no more

becoming stone
in silence
until the universe
is gone from here

until I remember
that once, ages past,
I was a poet
in my soul

until I recall
where my soul is
and that writing's
in my very blood

I'll continue
unlearning
until I'm worthy
of the words' return.

[I am] wistful.

[your thoughts] 0


better unsaid.

[today] Mar 26th, 2010 12:13:10 am - Subscribe

every
passing day
and

every day
breathlessly
lingering

these words
try to leap
from my lips

it's getting
harder
not to say

and when
I open to
your knock

the relief
makes my
knees weak

and when again
we part
at last

you leave me
with the
sweetest ache

you make sure
to leave
a space

for me to
feel you still
within

every day
passing
or standing still

it's getting
harder
not to say

the words
leaping from
my helpless lips:

I love you;
don't go away -
I want you to stay.

[I am] helpless

[your thoughts] 1


lifelines.

[today] Dec 17th, 2009 5:21:15 pm - Subscribe

lifelines:
veins on
the back of
a fallen leaf

lifelines
that reach
across my palm
lifelines -
veins beneath
the skin
of my wrists

lifelines
you throw me
from dry land
as I drown
you don't see
my wrists
are bound

lifelines
I used to tie
my hands
together
believing I'd
never go under

life -
the blood
that pulses
through
lines -
the veins
beneath
my skin

lines
you throw
to save my
life
as I
let go

lifelines:
veins on
the back of
a fallen leaf

which floats,
then drifts
into the deep.

[I am] sinking.

[your thoughts] 0


wake.

[today] Dec 16th, 2009 5:35:20 pm - Subscribe

[a dream
of being
held
home
loved

a dream of
sunlight
candleglow
afterglow

of morning
and night
and city lights
green leaves

a dream
of being loved
by you
being home.]


only

a dream...
I am awake now
and once again,
alone.

[I am] hollow.

[your thoughts] 1


elixir.

[today] Nov 9th, 2009 3:15:47 pm - Subscribe

once
this was
the miracle elixir
it was the
draught of life

once
this was
the fountain
from which
all things
sprang forth

now
so dark, so sweet
the drink that
keeps me gasping
venomous addiction
stealing my light

now
this desiccated waterway
runs with rust
and the blood
of the life
it once begot.

[I am] meh.

[your thoughts] 0


knowing.

[today] Sep 16th, 2009 3:55:34 pm - Subscribe

so
small

in the face
of your
past and pain

so helpless
I'd give you
my life

to live again

things I saw
in your eyes
never needed
explained

without
knowing you
I know who
you are


I can't give you a miracle.
I can't keep you alive.
I will not forget this.

You'll stay with me for a long time.

[I am] so sad.

[your thoughts] 0


what i see:

[today] Sep 9th, 2009 5:16:23 pm - Subscribe

what i see in you
i see in myself
and it's dark
like a room
where you're not listening
to the lights
telling you where to go
and what not to bang into

what i see in you
i see in myself
and i smash the mirror
because i can't face it
not in myself
and not in you

what i see in you
i see in myself
and want to hurt you
because you're
supposed to be wiser
than i am
so where are you leading me?

what i see in you
i see in myself
the reversal hurts
i can't look at you
disgusted by it
guilty of it

what i see in you
i don't see in myself
nor in my future
i'll learn from you
i won't let this become me.

[I am] furious.

[your thoughts] 0


glass globe.

[today] Sep 1st, 2009 4:41:31 pm - Subscribe

a feeling of futility:

I, behind the
glass wall
not really
a part of
the bright lights
but separate
viewing
from here
the warmth and
the colour

I, within
the glass globe
here
inside my bubble
present but
isolated
safe but alone

I float in
my lonely way
out and over
the vast bay
preferring
observation
over any
involvement

I see you
below me
down there in
the mist
and come down
from my clouds
to be near you
if I knew how
I'd like to
let you in
but I don't want
to come out.

not touching,
not blending
not part of
anything
unwilling
to risk it
we embrace
and the glass wall
molds to
my shape
and if you
drop me
I'll break

but the
glass wall
remains.

[I am] unwilling.

[your thoughts] 0


denial.

[today] Jul 15th, 2009 5:02:21 pm - Subscribe

I'm not in your
photographs,
living it up.
I don't appear.

I'm not in your
outbox or inbox,
as you never
sent me a word.

I'm not
in your thoughts;
you erase what
goes wrong.

I'm not part of you -
amputated,
alienated
and lied to.

I'm not your friend
and I let you down
leave me behind
so I won't find out.

Denial is not just
a river in Egypt, love.
Hope I'm there to hold you
when the boat goes down.

[I am] medium.

[your thoughts] 0


respite.

[today] Jul 7th, 2009 6:00:57 pm - Subscribe

I will
draw you a map -
a topography of
suffering;
geography of pain.

I'll write you
a memoir
of what passed;
write headlines
on headstones:

I am here;
won't let anything
hurt you.
I will protect you.
you're not alone.

[I am] tired now.

[your thoughts] 2


immortalize

[today] Jun 26th, 2009 4:33:08 pm - Subscribe

immortalize this:
waking in sunlight
your breath
on my skin

before this glow fades
feeling like
we are one
breathe together

you are holding me
not only in
memory
but all around

keep this forever
beyond all
that falls between
now and onward

I belong to
your skin now
I am here
we are one

this is a moment
that I will
never allow
to pass.

[I am] content.

[your thoughts] 0


silence.

[today] Jun 8th, 2009 5:44:45 pm - Subscribe

I'll be here
to listen
to your silence

I'll wait
as long as
it takes

I have words
enough for
us both

and you
can't hear me
anyway.

[I am] unhappy.

[your thoughts] 0


the cut

[today] May 28th, 2009 7:21:21 pm - Subscribe

get attention.
no. shut your mouth.
don't be
pretentious.

smile,
look pretty and
keep your thoughts between
your pretty ears -
don't say it
out loud.

polish 'til you shine, and
show them all
in photographs.
do not
tell them in words.

fabricate intrigue.
you may notice
that no one cares
how tortured an artist
you
really are.

steal spotlights.
no, don't let them
see you.
shut up; you're
not playing
hard-to-get.

and you're really
not that hard
to get.

you look good on paper.
but it's all
liquid crystal high definition
online television.
generally not flattering.

you didn't
make the cut
this time.

[I am] fed up

[your thoughts] 0


Spirit

[today] May 26th, 2009 5:13:58 pm - Subscribe

this is the
first time
I wake
without you

after the
long sleep
and bitterness
of winter

as wind and
sunlight
stir new things
into being

you should be
thawing and
turning
to the sky

unfurling
delicate green
and open arms
embracing

this is the
first spring
that comes
without you

the tug of
beginning
on my spirit
is less now

my skyline
is empty as
you stand tall
no longer

my roots
are no longer
so deep in
this ground

this is the
first time
that I wake
without you

and, from this
season
I will grow
alone.

[I am] wistful

[your thoughts] 0


return

[today] May 6th, 2009 2:51:22 pm - Subscribe

remember
how the
fragile words

would rush from
thought to paper
until I would
overflow

and build
something solid
and more real than
I had before me

remember
when you
didn't have to

have me around
but you
wanted me
anyway

we walked
on the grass
at dusk
and let it be
what it was

remember how
it felt
before colours
became formulae

before lines
became boundaries
when I wanted
only to make
beautiful things

I forgot
how good
these things
could be

yet I find
it all
comes back
to me.

[I am] relieved

[your thoughts] 0


fail

[today] May 5th, 2009 2:25:16 pm - Subscribe

so
I
fail

and I
face my fate

so I learned
a lot about
myself

and I gave
a lot
that I'd rather
have kept

but was
unwilling
to give it all

and I fail
as a result

and there is
nothing in my life
that I do
especially well

nothing
except write
poetry that
no one reads

and I don't know
what I want

but I need
a new me.

[I am] disgusted.

[your thoughts] 1


finally

[today] Apr 10th, 2009 1:03:26 pm - Subscribe

trying to
remember why

I
gave
this
up

draw a blank

voices echo

empty room

where my life was

all my poetry
in boxes
packed and ready
going nowhere

no one here
where I used to be

so they finally
took this
away from me?

[I am] empty

[your thoughts] 1


rest in peace.

[today] Nov 27th, 2008 11:08:17 pm - Subscribe

I don't want
numbers
they blur the page
before my eyes
a body count

even less
do I want
names
the missing
the grieving

another night
to mourn
and days of
sorrow coming

fear and fire
on the
blue green planet

as we slaughter
our people
ourselves
mass devastation

brother
sister
torture,
terror

we do not
forget
rest in peace
you die not
in vain
rest in peace

rest in peace
and may peace
take you home

we do not
forget
they cannot
forgive

my apocalypse
slithers near
waiting to strike
watching you

tearing the
beating heart
out of the world.

[I am] exhausted.

[your thoughts] 2


wintersleep

[today] Nov 21st, 2008 5:39:58 pm - Subscribe

don't know
why words like
snowflakes fall

no reason but
to speak of
the coming tide

subtle beauty
night calling
I desire only

words like
sunlight piercing
to warm me

bitter season
winter winds
now rending

words from
me like boughs
from treetops

to scatter on
frozen earth
like snowflakes

freeze still the
cheerful spring
of poetry

my white forest
empty, silent,
brittle, waits

no warmth
in words
to thaw us

don't know
why words like
snowflakes drift

unable to tempt
summer back
to this place.

[I am] sleepy.

[your thoughts] 1


daughter.

[today] Nov 8th, 2008 12:00:35 am - Subscribe

I put away
every sharp object:
pin and blade
and dangerous edge.

I still don't
trust myself
with scissors,
even these days.

Part of loving
oneself is
knowing how far
that love extends.

Part of being
a family is
knowing you'll
have to leave.

How far I've come,
to stand here and
to hold myself up -
courage, pride, strength.

I break so easily -
tears to drown me;
rage to scream
at you endlessly -

because I'm guilty
of knowing that
these days are
numbered few.

Regret sits
on the back step
with the pumpkin
we didn't carve

this year, because
I wasn't here -
unwanted, unaddressed
and necessary.

I'm not
your little girl
anymore -
I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean
to go
and grow up
and go away.

I stare at my wrists
hating time
for dragging me on
through life;

for tearing us
apart and
casting me
into future.

Oh, how I
want to remain -

I'm not your
little girl now,

but I'll always be
your daughter

and I'll always be
your big sister;

I'll always want
this house; I'll

never leave.

I put away
the scissors, and
my ink
and all my words.

I chose to live
that night, years ago,
for you, so now
I have to go.

Part of
being a family -
however torn,
however mad -

is knowing
you'll never
have to leave,
right?

I'll always have
what you gave me:
courage, pride,
strength and love;

and I'll always
be your daughter
your big sister -
always belong.

[I am] unhappy

[your thoughts] 2


quietest loneliest.

[today] Sep 26th, 2008 10:40:21 pm - Subscribe

words
that die on
my tongue,

once
sole respite,
cage me -

accuse me
of ignoring
the truth.

I don't
want these
words.

my head
echoes with
absence.

my head a
graveyard for
words unsaid -

unholiest peace.

-

words move in;
use up all
the sugar;

trash my
fragile state
of unthinking;

tear off the
wallpaper,
exposing cracks.

I kill words
on the doorstep,
pre-emptive.

my domain
is of silence
and bitterness.

no one knocks
on my door
anymore:

loneliest relief.

[I am] tired.

[your thoughts] 1


adrift.

[today] Jun 18th, 2008 12:24:00 am - Subscribe

I drift; afloat
upon the tides
of time and emotion;
the waves of

my life:
a restless sea
uneasy and ever
shifting beneath me.

only glimpses,
in sunless moments,
reveal the depth;
the weight;
the darkness,

below the
surface upon which
I ride, balancing
so precariously -
it beckons,

it threatens
to overwhelm;
to pull me
in and under.

the instants of
shaken resolve
and loneliness cast me
close to the edge,

where I view
in dizzying clarity
the fathoms-deep
despair awaiting

and reel back
from the drop,
the light in me refusing
to be extinguished -
my saving grace.

adrift from all anchorage
save for that
within myself;

I sail on
over the deep, endless
grey ocean - alone.

[I am] precarious.

[your thoughts] 0


comfort eluded.

[today] Jun 8th, 2008 8:07:41 pm - Subscribe

I wish I
were wiser.

three days later

I put away
my shoes
and my expectations

after that

I stop
looking at all
the photographs

and when that's done

slowly
I accept
that it's really over.

one of these
days, I'll learn

but until then
I'll probably
let me down.

the dress hangs
on the closet door;
I expect no more from it.

the chaos of good times
made irrelevant
by the reality I face.

I wish there
were more to me
than wishing

my life is one big
good intention
left unmanifest.

[I am] disappointed.

[your thoughts] 1


solitude.

[today] May 22nd, 2008 9:42:51 pm - Subscribe

a sanctuary lost.

no longer
can I stand alone.
there is no comfort
in solitude.

my voice, once
the most steadying
sound in my world,
no longer speaks to me.

there is no shelter
left for me,
nor in me.
I seek respite in you.

turn me not away.

[I am] stressed.

[your thoughts] 1


city lullaby.

[today] May 11th, 2008 11:48:33 pm - Subscribe

(inhale)
tires on asphalt
(exhale)
wind through leaves

night pulse
try to be still
calm the sounds
echoing streets

night breathes
and sings to me
the city's lullaby
my heartbeat

(breathe in)
traffic slows
(breathe out)
darkness claims

[I am] insomniac.

[your thoughts] 0


relative escapism.

[today] Apr 28th, 2008 9:43:08 pm - Subscribe

a sad condition:

I hide
to hold out

into each
singular constant

I dive,
to drown

I dive
to be saved

I disappear
to end it all

and to make you
notice I am gone.

but if any do,
none speak -

so I dive
edge over edge

hoping you will
witness my fall

catch me before
impact.

a sad condition indeed.

[I am] detaching at various seams.

[your thoughts] 1


no words.

[today] Apr 19th, 2008 7:51:31 pm - Subscribe

I am
sorrowful
because

you are so
beautiful
but

I have
no words
left for you

my eyes,
sick with grace
and fairness,

long for the
plain and
ordinary

there are
no love songs
left in me

you will
fade away
in silence.

[I am] untouchable.

[your thoughts] 0


wake.

[today] Apr 13th, 2008 6:45:19 pm - Subscribe

this is
my life.

you
were a dream.

I hated
waking
from you.

I breathe;
I move.

but sleep
eludes me.

and all
my beautiful words
desert me.

[I am] here.

[your thoughts] 0


goodbye.

[today] Mar 28th, 2008 11:13:07 pm - Subscribe

you
are too
beautiful

to say
goodbye
to.

wait
for me, and
miss me,
darling,

because
I am
always

coming back.

[I am] returning.

[your thoughts] 0


off the deep end.

[today] Mar 6th, 2008 10:41:11 pm - Subscribe

I fear this beautiful thing
has been scarred
by desire.

your depths beckon.
heedless of peril, I smile -
and in; down, down, I dive.

we die
younger
every day.

invincible -
clocks running
backwards to save us.

and your cool waters
so inviting,
ready to pull me in.

I drink not
for fear
that I should drown.

and as your tide calls,
I resist throwing myself
from the rocks -

this time -
I will make you
come to me.

I will wait for the rain
to feel you on my skin
instead of diving in.

[I am] wary but hopeful.

[your thoughts] 1


I stubbornly refuse.

[today] Feb 24th, 2008 9:33:42 pm - Subscribe

Forget me, life:
I'm not worth living.
I refuse to accept
the motions of time.

The hands of the clock
go round still, ticking;
but here inside me
shadows are motionless.

Forget me, world,
'cause I'm not moving.
I won't follow you
down into the dark.

You go on without me -
out into the endless
field of continuum -
and I'll just stay here.

Forget me, time.
I will not limp forward.
More pain in the finite
than I can contain.

In loving and in living;
in losing and letting go -
in death, ressurection:
indefinite agony. So I won't.

So forget me.

[I am] fed up.

[your thoughts] 1


undesired.

[today] Feb 21st, 2008 10:42:50 pm - Subscribe

undesired.
I struggle
against it
my battle
unmarked
unwanted
by you
falling apart
at the seams,
undesired
the very thread
of my being
unwound;
unspoken -
unwanted
cast out.

you confuse
aiming
to amuse
yourself and
conspire
to tire -
make me feel
undesired
I won't bite now
won't play
games never
make you stay -
from worlds away,
I appeal,
an unsealed deal
waiting for you
to sign or
repeal.
until you give me all -
your safety net,
collecting dust -
I await the fall.

[I am] exhausted. Seriously.

[your thoughts] 0


meteor.

[today] Feb 12th, 2008 5:32:06 pm - Subscribe

in
its teeth I
lie still,
knowing that
to fight
only
cuts me
deeper.

at the eye
of this storm
I bleed,
lonely,
watching
life going on
without me.

the archaeological
marvel
of me and my
petrified heart -
me,
the stone,
frozen in time.

I wander,
I wonder,
I wish; and I tire
of desire,
wanting only
not to
want
anymore.

so lonely,
so empty
I can't help
but feel that
I am a meteor
crashing
very far
from home.

I crave change
yet revile it
with care
you
preserve me
as I am -
left behind.

[I am] fossilized.

[your thoughts] 0


so I run.

[today] Feb 7th, 2008 6:19:28 pm - Subscribe

across these empty reaches
of white and waiting
I flee understanding,
wanting to remain numb.

for my glass heart I fear -
words pursue me across the paper.
you live in all of my words
but you are no longer my home.

so I run; and every time I smile,
everything I taste or feel -
everywhere I go without you knowing
where I am - does not seem real.

stone that I am, I have not
changed my mind, nor yet let
the killer hope dissolve inside -
my glass heart has not worn to sand.

pain follows, but cannot have me.
and without meaning to,
I hope you read these words:
I live like a bird but love like a mountain.

so I run, I fly; I become a kite -
praying this lifeline you've thrown
won't hang me. I fall in flame and wait,
desiring to rise again from these ashes.

[I am] in pieces.

[your thoughts] 2


wasted.

[today] Jan 17th, 2008 1:09:20 am - Subscribe

terrible
to find the truth
of my own glory
as it slips away

so painful
to find the saying true:
you don't know what
you've got 'til it's gone.

unbearable
to think of all that time
I wasted
in sorrow

when all along
I had you!

then what had I
to complain of?

I had you.

what tear brightened
my eye,
what bitterness
escaped my lips?

I had you.
I had you,
and I did not
fear your loss.

oh, child,
you learn too late
of the joy you held
even in your pain.

and a joy so close,
so constant, it seems,
that I took for granted
that you belonged with me.

even then,
with you behind me
I should have been stronger
should have rejoiced

for I had you -
what more need I?

and here at the dawn
of the darkest of times

unbearable,
to see that I
might have been happy -
I had you.

so terrible
to think of chances wasted
while I still had your heart
forever.

[I am] most unhappy.

[your thoughts] 0


more than.

[today] Jan 9th, 2008 7:57:39 pm - Subscribe

what do I have
when it's empty -
quiet and lonely -
in me?

I have you -
holding me close
in photographs;
a memory.

and where do I go
when the silence
here every day
is the same?

I have you -
your voice on my
answering machine;
a memory.

so what do I feel
when I'm drowning;
not wanting
another day?

I need you -
here loving me
in touch and sound;

not just a memory.

I need you
loving me for all I am;
not trying to forget -

I need more than a memory.

[I am] lonely.

[your thoughts] 2


drum dance.

[today] Dec 21st, 2007 12:54:29 am - Subscribe

the dance;
the tribal rite -
the drum:
thud
thud
slam

pound -
the beating
of a heart:
my heart
a drum:
thud
thud
slam

what comes
I know not,
but the
pounding
rhythm
hints of pain.

my heart,
thud
thud
slam,
warns me
to be afraid.

reckless tempo;
wild dance:
all is not
as it ought -
thud
thud,
slam

oh, something
is wrong;
I daren't
seek the truth -
the fire leaps;
the drum -
thud
thud
slam -

my heart
pounds harder,
terror rising.
this dance,
an ancient one
thud
thud
slam:

I know not
what I fear -
thud
thud
slam -

my heart,
the drum,
is wiser.
thud
thud
slam.

[I am] wary and afraid.

[your thoughts] 0


metamorphosis.

[today] Dec 16th, 2007 11:29:12 pm - Subscribe

bitterness made beautiful:
my words like circles;
my heart the echo
of a distant drum's shudders.

an emptiness like strangers:
a canvas too forbidding -
possibilities unchanced,
the air awake with potential.

bitterness made beautiful:
a stab of agony carved in crystal,
a starless night cast in ebony -
the catharsis of loveliness;

despair's breathtaking imagery.

the lonely mountains mourning, the
white winter forests of my heart
awaiting the april of poetry;
the thaw that comes in words.

the chrysalis of pain's
transformation into wisdom.
collections of polished moments
line the museum of my memory.

so as the blade bites in,
I turn my veins into blank pages
and my blood into words;
so the wound becomes a story, a song,

a bitterness made beautiful.

the depth of hurt: an ocean
beneath whose opal waves I drown
the loneliness and sorrow
that I, in language, cast.

a bitterness made beautiful.

[I am] words.

[your thoughts] 1


water and wind.

[today] Nov 20th, 2007 11:52:19 pm - Subscribe

I keep letting go,
ready to throw in
the metaphorical towel
at the drop of a
proverbial hat.

and every time
I swear
'never again',
somehow, you
bring me back.

I can't keep up
to your nereid ways;
you slip like water
away, again -
laughing.

but to rage
against you
is like cursing smoke:
you're gone before
I even inhale.

so I sigh and I wait
and you come back in time
you awake me;
I forgive you
all over again.

[I am] slightly brighter.
[inspiration] raidne again.

[your thoughts] 1


slip.

[today] Nov 20th, 2007 11:50:28 pm - Subscribe

There's always
something running
through my head,
wearing me down.

There's always
someone yelling
in my world;
I let it go.

Always something
I've forgotten
or neglected -
I look away.

Always some
secret anguish
in my wellspring
of worry.

Ever a change
inevitable,
awaiting me -
I let it go.

Always packing up
my things
to leave again;
I let it go.

Ever disappointment
when escape is
not enough:
I numb the pain.

Thinking of myself,
no regard
for anyone else -
I let it go;
I let you down.

[I am] exhausted.
[inspiration] ...more like lack thereof.

[your thoughts] 0


love this.

[today] Oct 27th, 2007 11:39:04 pm - Subscribe

I cannot hear,
I cannot breathe.

and everything's breaking
something's
got to give -

I'm not giving
anymore.

to what do I owe?

you say time?
well, times change.

and lives,
and loves
and stories end.

I cannot breathe,
you cannot hear

what the hell is wrong?
something's got to give,
and I'm not giving
anymore.

what's going to
get me through?

you say love?

well, love this.

[I am] unlovable.

[your thoughts] 2