balancing is a joke
Date: Jan 10th, 2010 12:46:00 am - Subscribe
Mood: sophisticated
Do you care to tell me why it is now that I'm updating this blog?
Why am I now laying in bed, practically incapable of typing I'm shivering so hard that I come back here? I can hear you in the other room. Stupid, high. I felt you when you left, hours ago and eager. I don't even know where you've been since you left, but I'm cold.
Why is it now that I lie in bed tears streaming down my face when I should be happy? Why now that I feel my loneliest, surrounded by you? Why is it now that I feel so alone and I can't stop. I look back angry at myself and my weakness. I question what I've done and if my father was in fact right and if I can swallow my pride and break yours and go back. and can I? can't I? I don't know what's right or wrong anymore.
But this hurts too. Too much to feel right. And I don't think I've ever known what right was.
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fragilidad
Date: Jun 11th, 2009 9:38:21 am - Subscribe
Mood: violated
You took everything I thought I knew and turned it upside down. You completely shattered my resolve to not care and all you had to do was convince me that you were ready. And boy, did I believe or what?
You. It's always been you. All I've ever wanted and needed, my love. I fall so hard time and time again for you only to be so disappointed time and time again. I've decided that it's considered falling because just like the real deal it hurts and scraps and cuts and bruises.
Once again, I thought I had it figured out. For the past few months we were fucking golden. Inseparable and in love, I only had eyes for you. But I fucked up. I became far too dependent, again. I can't really help it. For as much as we are alike, we are completely different people. I am a homebody, it's true. But you are not, you're far from it and uncontrollable. Regardless of which, I've stuck around. But I've never quite understood why around me you're nothing but a homebody when that's the farthest thing from what you really are.
We watch movies and you fall asleep. I go home, you wake up and go to a party. And it breaks my heart every time.
I don't know why I can never bring myself to leave you. I don't know what it is exactly that I expect from you.
But we've talked. Calmly. I explained myself as best I could and you understood, or at least seemed to. Now I'm just going to wait.
I'm taking it one day at a time, baby, and it's all up to you now.
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i write my death on paper so that i can deal with life
Date: Oct 19th, 2008 2:47:03 am - Subscribe
Mood: baffled
She was fed up. If you had asked her with what in particular, she wouldn’t be able to give you the specifics. Whether it was a flaw on her part or if really was just that inconsequential, who knows. What we do know is that she had hit her breaking point and was done with it all. Done with her job, her so-called boyfriend, her family, she had just decided that she was done with life.
She walked up the steps of the tallest building she knew, slowly, calmly. Like I said, the specifics don’t really matter. It’s the same old story. She climbed the mountain towards nirvana, decided. Once she reached the top she took off her coat. She suddenly felt too warm. She walked towards the edge of the building and looked down at all the little people-ants. She could have been there for an eternity, it certainly felt like a lifetime. In reality, it could have been a mere seconds, minutes, hours, days, years, many lifetimes. Seasons could have passed without her acknowledging them. Her mind was set.
She braced herself, but then again maybe she didn’t. It’s not something you automatically know how to brace yourself for. But she braced herself as best she could, and jumped. Suddenly she had the grace of a ballerina and the agility of an acrobat that she never had in her life. She flew and twisted herself, her arms down to her sides and her head pointed downwards she flew like a projectile. Suddenly she was aware again. Time slowed down for her as if she was the only thing that mattered, she was the only one that had ever mattered. She realized just how vivid colors were and how beautiful everything was. She felt the tiniest breeze through each strand of hair, she saw each particle of dust as it moved, gently, quickly, out of her way, and she felt the air, the oxygen, the smog, everything as she breathed it in and made her lungs expand.
Then suddenly it came. It didn’t cause her any pain and somehow, somewhere in the back of her mind, she was grateful for it. But she felt it. She had twisted her body and aimed herself straight down for a reason, she wanted it over quickly. But she wasn’t prepared for the sensations that occurred. There may have not been any pain, but she felt everything. She felt her skull crack open and the jagged edges slam into her soft cushiony brain. She felt her entire face explode from the fall. She felt her arms and legs slap around without feeling, without bones. Maybe it was just at which the speed she moved, there surely had to be bones. Just as quickly as it came, it was gone.
She was gone. Like being born, like coming into existence, she was gone. Just as the world existed before her, it continued without her. Maybe some miniscule part of it missed her, but it was far too small and the world lived in a much grander scale to truly acknowledge her. She had come, done her part and had gone just as fluidly, effortlessly.
The point was that it was over.
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i'm not crying, it's just been raining on my face
Date: Oct 2nd, 2008 12:31:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: inferior
it's taken the bigger part of a year, but i've finally reached my breaking point.
i don't want to cry for you anymore. i'm not going to nag you anymore. but see, what you haven't realized is that the trade-off is that i'm not going to feel for you anymore, i wont wait, i wont hurt, i wont care. and you, my love, are to blame. you've made me the hard, empty shell i am today.
i wont wait, so there wont be anything to stand up. i wont cry, but really you were never there to comfort me. i wont feel and you'll start to notice. i wont care, so there wont be anything to hurt. but it really does hurt, because above all i wont do the one thing i'm dying to do, i wont love.
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two to one
Date: Aug 14th, 2008 2:34:58 am - Subscribe
Mood: befuddled
everything has changed, but i hope you believe me. you've burned yourself into my heart.
and everything i am, everything we were, surrounds us.
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