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i can't not tell you anymore. i've finally made up my mind and it's time for you to head back out into the real world with your head held high. i'm not holding you back anymore. we are not compatible anymore. i'm starting to wonder if we ever were. we might've just been two lone souls, desperate and stubborn, unwilling to let go. ...which isn't enough. it's never enough. you go your way, i'll go mine. i'll try my damn hardest to stay out of your world. there can't be any ties left behind. no more of this "lets try and be friends" bullshit. it doesn't work if you keep trying to do more. it doesn't. you're going to do the same thing, i know it. and i'm not waiting. i'm walking away first and turning my back to you and if i do it... if i get the strength, that's it. no promises, no waiting. that's it. if anything in the future happens, it wont be planned anymore. no more marriage and weddings and babies and no more. just no more. it needs to end. it's taking me up and swallowing me whole and burning my skin and breaking my bones and it hurts. my heart hurts like it's never hurt before and it's indescribable and it's painfully obvious that it's not all okay but i'm tired of not being okay and i try to pretend i'm okay and that's not right either. i shouldn't have to pretend to be able to be with you. it's not right it's not fair. i'm draining i'm draining i don't have anything left to give, you've taken it all and i'm still here petrified zombified and i don't know what i'm doing or why i need to get away and i want it to be as easy for me as it is for you. because i know you'll be doing everything in your power to forget me and it's going to hurt me but we handle pain differently we always have. you get back out and i seclude myself but it's not working for me anymore. i know what you'll be doing and i'll be stuck with my thoughts and i can't be alone with my thoughts anymore. i want to fuck around and drink and smoke and fuck because i know you'll be doing it too and i want to forget too. i repeat myself repeat myself repeat myself. i give myself a headache damn it. i'm making myself sick. i feel sick. i want to sleep in but i want to sleep early i somehow compensate by sleeping late and waking early and i'm all fucked. it's not really going how i wanted. make the best of it try and try it'll be okay. it's not worse is it? yeah it actually is worse i don't think i've ever felt quite so alone even with you there i feel desperate. i want my sleeping pills back but they're all gone from the last time. a little over a year ago this same feeling overwhelmed me and i'm wondering how i ever survived. i know there was a point where i was getting better but i also know before i managed to you came back and it started all over again. i don't know. it hurts. i'm sick to my stomach. i know i won't be able to see you anymore. fuck me. i've fucked everything. i've already committed myself to a whole day with you and i don't know what to make of it. you work quick fucker. i don't know how i'm supposed to deal with this. even more i hate how every line is about you and how my entire heart is pained by you and how every thought revolves around you and even more how i'm nothing to you. |
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everything has changed, but i hope you believe me. you've burned yourself into my heart. and everything i am, everything we were, surrounds us. |