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well, here i am. another blog, another day, another try.time after time after time i tell myself, "well, i'll keep this blog, that's for sure..." yeah... no. doesn't happen much, does it? i'm beginning to figure myself out more, little by little. piece by goddamn piece. but maybe with each piece i find i lose another piece of myself? who knows. i. do. NOT. enjoy. reality. the plain and simple explanation is... well, obviously that i prefer fantasy. not just any fantasy, oh no. i don't mean aliens and ... well, i'll leave it there because i probably do mean everything else. maybe. it's more of a romantic fantasy. hopefully hopelessly romantic of all romantics, fantasy. i want my edward cullen. a boy who's so perfect, so so so perfect, he makes romeo look like a fraud. a boy whose only tragic flaw is... well, he's a vampire. but apparently real boys like that don't exist, because for them to exist like that, in such untarnished perfection, well, that's nearly blasphemy! no such perfection could exist without a tragic flaw! and of course, in reality, these tragic flaws do not exist, for they are unparalled. thus, i prefer my fantasies over the reality of the way things are. i wonder if i've had my fantasy already. one year ago i would've agreed, no doubt. but what about after? even for the few months after i would've agreed... there's no way i would've endured that pain without thinking it was love love LOVE. but now? i don't know how i feel anymore. i care about him, no doubt. otherwise i wouldn't throw myself into temptation as i do almost every single day. (my throat's been marked, even... the thought alone makes me giggle with my new obsession with vampires...well, edward cullen really.) yet i can't bring myself to say "i love you" anymore. i never had trouble before and suddenly, no more. if i bring myself to say it, daring myself not to hurt him like he did me, it doesn't sound like me. i feel like a ventriloquists doll speaking with a voice not my own... but i do love! oh, how painfully do i love! i adore, i love, i want him! always so painfully him. but the fear always manages to hold me back, somehow. the love i so forcibly desire doesn't exist in reality. i wonder if it ever has. my subconscious is trying to make reality seem less... real. suddenly i start hearing a voice in my head narrating my life, my emotions, the people around me. (in a way others might listen to a tune as their theme music throughout their day...) and suddenly... i feel light. i feel... content. and i don't fight it. when it's not there i feel the weight of life and my un-accomplishments. ...somehow, it's okay. i prefer to live in my head anyway. |
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...by my own so-called father. he gives me a roof over my head and expects me to take a vow of celibacy. i've had rough childhood from the start, granted. you can't expect to get along easily with your traditional over-conservative parents when you're as liberal as i. still, i always thought of compromising, and yet they can't stand to compromise with me, i always am expected to give in. then one day, lo and behold i walk in through the doors with a hickey. a fucking hickey. a bruise on my goddamn neck. from a kiss. a boy gave me. a boy i've dated for two years and known for two and a half. a boy they frigen know i kiss and it shouldn't be all that surprising that he kisses my neck and may get a little overexcited once in awhile. well, ha. now i have to pay my own phone bill. that's fine, really. now he sells my car. what the fuck. really? a bruise for an automobile hardly seems fair. now i'm fucked. |
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i wish there was an easier way to jot down thoughts before sleep overwhelms me. something easier than reaching out for a pen and paper to put down my thoughts. i don't understand why people don't understand. it's so simple, i'm surprised it took me so long to get it. the people you love most have the most power over you and are more likely to hurt you. case in point, carlos. well, it's obvious, is it not? someone you don't know and don't care for can't hurt you. cue trust issues. long story in short simple terms; we were in love, deeply. problems arose as they do in any given relationship. people react in different ways. i reacted by ignoring them or throwing fits and causing more problems. he reacted by being depressed. obviously, these two did not mix. i was blind and kept arguing. he fell deeper and deeper into the pit of depression. eventually one of us realized what had to be done. that person was not me. cue heartbreak, tears, whatever. that's life. he found something that made him happy, instant gratification. i can't disagree with him, he is not the first human to do so. i was devastated. people around us saw things differently, gossiped and took sides. mine. biased to this day, people tell me to stay away. i don't. i can't walk away so easily from such a strong gravitational pull. not without a fight. sometimes i'm not sure i have any fight left in me. |