I found a physician to stitch my lip. I had to go to the Anbar District to do it, but the deed is done. I did not want to explain to anyone what had happened and this man did not ask questions. I know I will have a scar. I have not returned to House Saran yet. I want to make sure Casius has left. I am sure by now he has given up and gone home. I also have not returned to the Black Larl. I fear I was becoming obsessed with Nero and I am sure he does not want some woman child making tabuk eyes at him. I will not be able to stay away from him long as I am like a moth to the flame. Even if being close to him burns my wings I cannot help myself.
On a different note, a surprising note. Laz asked my bride price. He asked me in front of his former companion so I am sure it was more to get a rise out of the woman than said out of a serious desire to be with me. I referred him to my Uncle Randolf and I left it at that.
Odd... the Taurentian Guard are at my door. I cannot imagine what they want. They are shouting at me to open the door. I am not sure that is wise but they seem rather insistant on the matter. I will have to finish this entry later.
I promise to be good
Don't look in the mirror
At the face you don't recognize
Help me call the doctor
Put me inside
Put me inside
Put me inside
I keep the wolf from the door
Where I left off... oh yes, the guard. How can I explain the recent events? I suppose the best place to start is the beginning. My mother is dead. That is why the guard came to my door, they found her body among the ruins of my clinic. Her body was unrecognizable. This was the reason the city guards came to me. They needed me to identify the ring that was found with the body. I assured them it was my mother's ring. I know wear it around my neck on a delicate chain of gold. I will arrange for a proper pyre for later in the hand and then her body will be laid to rest in the family plot where the bodies of my Father and my brother are already laid to rest. One big happy family, I am sure as they wander the streets of the City of Dust they look down upon me and laugh at my misfortune. I was always the black verr, the unwanted one.
The guards stayed a few ahn to make certain I was going to be alright. They assure me they will catch the perpetrator of this crime. I wept and dabbed at my tears as they explained that there must be some sort of mad man on the loose to do such a thing. It is late now and as I lie here among my furs upon my couch I realize I have no one left. No family, well save an Uncle that just wants to be rid of the burden of responsibility. I have no one I can truly call friend. I am utterly alone, save a man I pay to protect me. I know Grunk cares for me, but would he stay if the coin were to stop?
On the upside I am the only heir to my parents vast wealth. The Magistrate is stopping by this hand to go over the legal documents necessary to put everything in my name. I know coin is no replacement for the love of family but it certainly helps in the healing process.
I have not heard from Laz since I spoke with him in the park. Perhaps he has thought better of taking the spider into his home. I am not exactly a conventional woman. I am young, I am innocent and I have no desire to allow a man to touch me, not ever. The thought of it sickens me. I am as my mother has said hopelessly flawed. Where some wear the scars on the outside, I prefer to keep mine under the skin.
You will see me rise again
You will feel me fly again
You're so wonderful
I will be there by your side.
The magistrate stopped by today to go over the paper work in regards to my parents estate. He was very kind to me, he knew I was in shock in regards to the recent passing of my mother and he took his time going over every document. Everything was left to me. The houses, the slaves, the coin, everything.
I have expressed my desire to sell it all. I will liquidate all my parents assets and I will place all the proceeds in a bank account. I have had most of my personal items transferred to the House Saran, while some other items have been sent to the Black Larl Inn. Nero has made it clear he wants me close by. I am not sure that trusts me. I have no idea why. I am also not sure what his interest is in me. He knows I am a virgin so it cannot be sexual. Perhaps, he just enjoys my company as well.
Back to the Magistrate. Lovely man, really. I think he has taken a fancy to me. I do not understand what men find so appealing about a woman who seems to be in need. Shed a tear, bat an eye and they are ready to lay down their life to defend you. I assured him I would be fine, I paid him a hefty sum of money and I sent him on his way. I have enough to worry about without him nipping at my heels like some errant sleen pup.
I also need to speak with Laz, my Uncle has returned to House Randolf and I need to give him the address, that is if he is still interested in companionship. I am not certain if I wish everything that is mine to become suddenly his. Speaking of dear Uncle. He has been made my legal guardian for the time being. Poor poor man. he tells me he will be pulling his hair out by the root by the end of the hand if I do not start listening to him. Am I really that difficult?
I am putting the estate on the market this very afternoon. The slaves are scurrying about packing things away and preparing others for sale. I will stop by later in the hand and close the house up. It is my past and my future awaits me. I just hope it is far happier.
I am sending a missive to Nero as well. I still owe the man dinner. I am hoping he is free this evening. I have a feeling he will be.
A copy of a letter was tucked among the pages.
I am so sorry I have not been available to have dinner with you thus far. You see my mother has recently passed and as you know it is quite a hectic time with preparing for the pyre, signing papers and selling property. I am sure you understand how it is. The Magistrate has informed me I am a rather wealthy young woman. I have no idea what I will do with such a vast amount of coin. Perhaps, you could offer some suggestions over dinner. Families such as ours must stick together. By the way give Circe my regards and tell her I will stop by her shop soon to visit with her.
I have been staying at the inn as you requested but the Inn keeper, lovely woman by the way. Well she tells me you have been out more than in. I miss you Nero, truly. I am hoping we can talk over supper, catch up as it were. I am at my parent's estate this afternoon seeing to the packing. Please send word and let me know you have time to see me. I will be most heartbroken if you say no.
With deepest affection.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
My letter to Nero has gone unanswered. I am not even sure if he has received it. Perhaps I never sent it. I have a hard time focusing as of late. I also did not receive a response from Laz. Am I so easily forgotten?
Casius stopped by my parents house in the wee ahns before dawn and rousted me from my sleep by laying down next to me. I informed him such behavior was scandalous. He laughed quietly and pressed a kiss to my forehead. I will always be the little sister he never had he assured me and nothing more.
I become more certain every day that I must be utterly repulsive. I rose from my couch and I had Vetta, the one slave I have kept, make us an early breakfast. Casius and I talked for ahns, he is concerned about me and wants me to seek out a companion for my own good.
I informed him of the offer made by Laz and although he is not of high caste, Casius thinks I should accept. I informed him that I had not even heard from Laz and I was not certain if the offer was even still open. I asked Casius what was wrong with me, he took my hand and he kissed the pad of each finger as he answered me. "You are broken Eutrice, broken on the inside and in places no one can fix. Most men do not have the time or inclination to deal with it." I was hurt of course, and I broke down into tears, Casius lifted me into his arms and carried me out on the veranda and he held me in his arms as if I was a small child, whispering soft words against my temple.
I do not know what I would do without him. He has been my best friend since we were small children and we played together. I told him I forgave him for striking me and he apologized, he told me I was being stupid and careless and I assured him I would be more careful.
He dried my eyes and tucked me back in among my furs. He told me he would return later and told me to get some sleep. I told him that I would and then simply laid there until I eventually drifted off.
You used to be
Forever holding us
From ever being free
You have killed the
God in me And I don't
Know what you mean
When you say that I'm unclean.
I had strayed to the public bathes this morning. I had never been there and I was curious. It was what I had expected naked bodies of both the free and slaves lounging about. It was quiet and after I dressed in one of the garments afforded by the spa I moved out into the bathes and a man caught my attention. He asked me to join him and as it is acceptable in the bathes to do so, I did. I found out his name is Jakar and he is from a place called the Tahari. I have heard of it, very arid or so I have been told.
We discussed many things, including the difference between a freewoman and a slave. He was very insightful on the subject and made some good points. I, however assured him I had no desire now or ever to wear the collar of a man. He told me I was beautiful, I accused him of mocking me and we ended up going our separate ways. He informed me he is at the bath house at the same time each morning. I think he intends for me to join him again. I highly doubt that I will.
On a different note. I received a letter from Nero. He would like me to come stay at the inn he is at. I told him I would and I have packed a bag. I am not sure why he wants me there, but I have my own room and as long as nothing improper starts to transpire I will stay. He also has sent me a lovely pair of robes in black and silver. I adore them. I am also waiting to hear from Laz. I will stop by the house today and see if anyone can tell me where he might be. I am ready to give his personal slaves their injections but I will not do so without speaking to him first. Laz is not the sort of man that excuses mistakes and I am not willing to risk my freedom by making one.