everystep's Blog

Hmmm....
Date: Julpm06 19, 2006 - Subscribe
Mood: insignificant
Listening to: Lullabye (Goodnight my angel) by Billy Joel

The things you find out about people....

I was talking to the friend of my crush at school, and now I'm starting to see a different side of him...a side he's not necessarily showing people.

For instance, she always hints at something bad that's happened to him...I forget what I had said, but she had commented, "You can't really blame him, with all that's happened..."

It makes me wonder.

He never really seems sad. He always seems happy and self-confident. He's never really shown any negative emotions. Not even anger.

How can he live with all that bottled up inside of him?

I feel like crap. I wouldn't deserve him even if he likes me. I'm a horrible person.

"I'm starting the Sword of Truth series." His cousin mentioned, as we were talking about our favorite book series, The Wheel of Time.
"My cousin is reading it. The books he reads are usually really good."

Can you believe the first thought that popped into my head was "WTF? He can read???"

I need someone to yell at me. I need someone who will point out every single flaw in my character and nag at me day after day until I fix myself. I need someone to tell it like it is. Someone to tell me how the world sees me.

My family and friends won't do it. They're the supportive type.

I need someone who knows me to do it. I need someone to tear me apart and piece me back together again.

Bleh.



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Old Memories...
Date: Junpm06 19, 2006 - Subscribe
Mood: reflective
Listening to: And So It Goes by Billy Joel

Its the end of the school year. Another year of my life, spent sitting in the same classrooms, desperately cramming information into my brain, trying to pass all my classes.

Sometimes I felt like I was swimming in a huge endless ocean. Everytime I made another committment, another concrete block was attached to my foot, so it came to the point where it was all I could to do keep my head above the water. Every once in a while, a wave would come up and bring me under, but somehow, I managed to resurface and keep swimming.

Yes, there were definately lows this year. Some lows brought me so far under the water, I was positive I was going to drown and no one was going to care. My heart pounded and my whole body longed for something to sustain it.

Looking back on this year is like looking over the edge of a high cliff. If I peer over the edge, I can just barely make out the ground below. Everyonce in a while, the terrain gains a little bit of altitude as I came across a positive moment, a moment where I didn't feel like I was drowning. However, most of the earth is filled with valleys, complete with one huge chasm.

Somehow, I made it to the top of this cliff. I'm not quite sure how I did it. Looking down, I don't see any footholds or any ledges I could have grabbed onto to pull myself up the cliff. The sides of the cliff are smooth, worn by weather, wind and emotion. Maybe I was carried up here by a gust of wind or a group of angels lifted me up to the lonely peak where I now stand.

I can't remember.

But I'm here now. All I know is that every step I take must be done with the greatest of care. One false step and I'll be sent over the edge of the cliff, back to the ground far below me.

I turn away from the cliff and gaze towards the horizon. The sun is blinding, and I can't see anything. I hope I'm standing on solid ground that stretches on forever, not a plateau that contains a beginning and, somewhere, an end.

A plateau means that there's still a chance that I fall back to the feelings of last year. And I don't want to fall back. I don't want to remember.

I want to pack all my memories of this year, all my hurt feelings and desires and wishes into a little box, then shove the box into a small corner in my closet where dust will cover it and eventually I will throw it out.

Only, I'm not ready to throw it out quite yet. Because what's in that box is still a part of me, a part that I haven't yet disconnected from my body.

All the feelings, all the confusion, all the frustration, all the pain. They've changed me and made me who I am today. Until I continue on in my life, I have to keep those feelings. If I throw them away, I'll throw away myself.

Once I reach another milestone, another turning point in my life, I'll be able to discard them. Until then, I'll be waiting. Waiting and asking.

Am I there yet?
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Mixed Feelings
Date: Junpm06 19, 2006 - Subscribe
Mood: torn
Listening to: Vienna by Billy Joel

Several things have happened over the course of this week, and now I don't know if I'm feeling appropriate.

One of my close friends and I were crushing on the same guy, only she thought I didn't like him anymore. She made up her mind and decided to tell him that she liked him.

I supported her and the rest of her friends supported her. So she got one of her other friends to tell him.

He just sort of shrugged her off and told the friend, "Oh, I figured she liked me."

Let's keep in mind that this guy is in love with himself and is extrememly arrogant.

I was really mad, because now my friend is broken-hearted. It really agitated me that he just totally blew her off like that. Just because he doesn't like her back doesn't mean that he can be rude.

I had thought that my friend should have been the one to tell him how she really felt, but she never got up the courage. Yet I still feel she is braver then I am, because I can't even bring myself to talk to him, much less tell him how I really feel.

I also felt a tiny bit relieved though, and this is the part that really makes me mad at myself. Why did I feel relieved? It was because he was still single and he was still free. Which means I might have a one in a million chance. Or maybe we should change that to two billion....

Either way, we were playing 'Who's Line is it Anyway?' in my English class and he and I put on a couple skits together. He ended up complimenting me and we bumped fists, so I was really happy. At the same time, my friend was in the class and I don't know how she was feeling, but if I were her I would have been feeling horrible.

And yet, she still doesn't know that I still like him. So I'm still confused. My feelings are all mixed up, like someone threw them into the dryer and turned the settings to 'tumble-dry'.

I honestly can say I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm happy, yet I'm feeling guilty because I'm feeling happy because my friend is feeling heart-broken.

So I guess it all boils down to this: Do I have the right to be happy?

And I still don't know the answer to that. I think I should be happy, and yet I think I shouldn't be. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore.

Gah.




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Commitments
Date: Junpm06 19, 2006 - Subscribe
Mood: disgusted
Listening to: Honesty by Billy Joel

Good morning class!!! Today we are going to do something new and exciting!!! Let's make and keep a commitment!!!

Does everyone know what a commitment is???

Silence.

Anyone?? How about you Claire?? Andy? Any answer?? No one knows???

Well, we had best review the term. Everyone take out your notes and remember to jot down the date.....

Commitment: (noun) an agreement or promise to do something in the future. (According to dictionary.com)

That's the dictionary version of commitment. Does anyone out there actually know what the real world meaning of the word is???

I didn't think so.

So many people don't know the meaning of the word commitment. Or if they do know the meaning of the word, they don't use it properly.

When you're committed to something, whether it be a choir or cast or team or band, you have promised to stick with them, no matter how wretched you feel or how tired you are or how stressed out you feel. By committing yourself to them, you've promised them you will be at every single practice and rehearsal, whether you want to be there or not.

People don't understand that. People have gotten this idea into their heads that makes them think that they can skip out on commitments because they don't feel like doing what they promised. That's wrong. If you make a commitment, you should fufill it. When you're dedicating yourself to a group, its not about you. Its about the group. If you're gone, the group will fall apart and shatter into a million pieces.

The same thing happens when people commit to one another in a relationship. Everything starts out fine. They love each other in the beginning. They're seen together everywhere and don't associate with anyone from the opposite sex in a flirty way. They are totally commited to each other.

For the first week.

Over time, the couple begins to branch out. One person begins to flirt again, associating more and more with other people instead of their true "love". In the end, one is found cheating on the other and one heart ends up broken.

Why don't people keep to commitments that they make? Or at least come up with the courage to say that they are not able to keep the commitment, instead of skirting around the topic?

It's horrible to watch people break commitments. You can only watch, knowing that someone will be hurt because they were counting on the committed person.

If you know that you won't be able to keep to a commitment or you know that you don't want to keep to a commitment, then don't make the commitment. Seriously. Its that simple.

Commitments.

Think about them before you make them.

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Lone Wolf
Date: Maypm06 19, 2006 - Subscribe
Mood: lost and alone
Listening to: Getting Closer by Billy Joel

My Global teacher called me a lone wolf today. I'm not too sure what to make of it. All because I missed a test and he was wondering if I wanted to make it up in the library or the classroom. Since my class is chatty I decided the learning center. So he says to me, "You're really the lone wolf type aren't you?"

To which I replied, "I work better when I'm alone."

To tell the truth, I feel better working alone than in a group. In a group, I'm manipulated into doing all the work and presenting the work. No one else in the group will do the work. Just let that quiet, nice, smart girl do it all. We'll still get the good grade.

At least if I'm working by myself, the teachers can tell that I can produce high quality work. Whereas in a group, they just think that the whole group did the work, instead of one person.

I like being alone sometimes. I was in a bad mood today and wasn't very tolerant of anyone. I tried to stay away from people so I wouldn't blow up on them as I'm prone to do when I'm angry. Maybe it's hormones. God only knows.

Other days, what I would give for someone who understands me, someone I can actually talk to without feeling like I'm just complaining or talking to myself. Most days I feel like I need my soul mate to come up and hug me and give me a shoulder to cry on.

I don't think my soul mate exists. Or will ever exist.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I was zoning out, what was that?"

"I'm sorry, what? I didn't catch that."

"Sorry, spacing again."

"What did you say? I didn't quite catch that."

Even when I try and talk, to my parents, to my close friends, no one seems to hear me.

Maybe I am better off alone...

The lone wolf.


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