everystep's Blog

Old Memories...
Date: Junpm06 19, 2006 - Subscribe
Mood: reflective
Listening to: And So It Goes by Billy Joel

Its the end of the school year. Another year of my life, spent sitting in the same classrooms, desperately cramming information into my brain, trying to pass all my classes.

Sometimes I felt like I was swimming in a huge endless ocean. Everytime I made another committment, another concrete block was attached to my foot, so it came to the point where it was all I could to do keep my head above the water. Every once in a while, a wave would come up and bring me under, but somehow, I managed to resurface and keep swimming.

Yes, there were definately lows this year. Some lows brought me so far under the water, I was positive I was going to drown and no one was going to care. My heart pounded and my whole body longed for something to sustain it.

Looking back on this year is like looking over the edge of a high cliff. If I peer over the edge, I can just barely make out the ground below. Everyonce in a while, the terrain gains a little bit of altitude as I came across a positive moment, a moment where I didn't feel like I was drowning. However, most of the earth is filled with valleys, complete with one huge chasm.

Somehow, I made it to the top of this cliff. I'm not quite sure how I did it. Looking down, I don't see any footholds or any ledges I could have grabbed onto to pull myself up the cliff. The sides of the cliff are smooth, worn by weather, wind and emotion. Maybe I was carried up here by a gust of wind or a group of angels lifted me up to the lonely peak where I now stand.

I can't remember.

But I'm here now. All I know is that every step I take must be done with the greatest of care. One false step and I'll be sent over the edge of the cliff, back to the ground far below me.

I turn away from the cliff and gaze towards the horizon. The sun is blinding, and I can't see anything. I hope I'm standing on solid ground that stretches on forever, not a plateau that contains a beginning and, somewhere, an end.

A plateau means that there's still a chance that I fall back to the feelings of last year. And I don't want to fall back. I don't want to remember.

I want to pack all my memories of this year, all my hurt feelings and desires and wishes into a little box, then shove the box into a small corner in my closet where dust will cover it and eventually I will throw it out.

Only, I'm not ready to throw it out quite yet. Because what's in that box is still a part of me, a part that I haven't yet disconnected from my body.

All the feelings, all the confusion, all the frustration, all the pain. They've changed me and made me who I am today. Until I continue on in my life, I have to keep those feelings. If I throw them away, I'll throw away myself.

Once I reach another milestone, another turning point in my life, I'll be able to discard them. Until then, I'll be waiting. Waiting and asking.

Am I there yet?
Comments: (1)

number1box - June 18th, 2006 Wow. That was an awesome metaphore. I know exactly how you feel; it seems this past year has been a hard one for a lot of people. <3

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