You are here. - I don't suppose I'll ever be with you.

I don't suppose I'll ever be with you.

Aug 12th, 2008 4:07:01 am - Subscribe
Mood: Lonely

Body image and other nonsense.

Last time I had food issues, I would look in the mirror and think; Damn I look good, I need to maintain this appearance, maybe I could be a little thinner. Now I look in the mirror and wonder how I let myself get this bad.

Three days without eating is like a total confidence boost. You lose all the water weight and you're able to suck in a lot more. I was anticipating this feeling, knowing I haven't actually lost serious poundage. Just the bloat. I looked in the mirror and realized I look the way I did years before on my "fat" days.

Not alright.

I often wonder how people can stand to look at me.

Other days I wonder why no one wants me.

I'm pretty cute for a fat girl. I wear neat clothes. I'm not a clone of everyone else.

Why don't guys call me? I have an insane amount of confidence. Is it just me or is it them?

I give.

I want to stop wanting.

New Eating Disorder Named 'College'

Aug 9th, 2008 8:58:50 pm - Subscribe
Mood: dazed

That was definitely in the top five worst nights of my life. I still can't figure out where everything went wrong.

Josh, Calder, Salima, Christianna, Sunny, the gang was all there. I was so excited to see them all. Then something went wrong inside me. The intense crowded volume caused a silence inside me.

A silence between the raindrops on the roof of my car.

Something cracked and I had to leave. I worried about Josh getting home, I probably should have been more concerned about myself. I offered to take him home but freaked out behind the wheel.

Watching him in Sunny's arms made me smile a bit. I'm not sure who I was more jealous of. Preoccupation disturbed my senses. I stilll haven't established what these mental interruptions consisted of.

Mostly silence.

I left Josh at his appartment. His disappearance left me uneasy and slightly hysterical.

(Scene missing)

I must have cried myself to sleep. Some cops peeled me off the lawn. I believe I was in front of Stadium Place at this point.

(Scene missing)

Thunder woke me various times, yet I had no idea where I was. The pounding rain seemed awfully close to my head. I kept imagining the lightning pulsing through my veins. Blackness flooded my eyes with flashes from the storm. I couldn't make anything out, nor could I find the ability to move.

I woke up, soaking wet, at 6 am in the backseat of my car. I must have drunkenly pulled it off with the cops. I drove to my house, changed and went to work.

I smoked a cigarette in my car, leaning out at stoplights to vomit. Sunny text messaged me at work asking if I was alright. Apparently he called me the night before and I had informed him that the cops drove me home.

I'm fairly sure this did not happen.

All day at work I tried to remember what set me off. It could have been when Sunny called me a slut or I could have suddenly decided I wasn't receiving enough attention. There are numerous possibilities but only one solution that I can think of. I need to stop drinking.

It's going to take me to do something horribly fucked up before I ever learn. Just like everyone else.

I think I was upset that I'm turning into Eric.

I wish I was still in high school. Or at least maintained that mentality.

I fanticize about suicide a lot. I'm not going to do it. I just imagine what it would be like to hang myself from the vaccuum cord at work or shooting myself in front of Chelsea and telling her it's all her fault.

The idea of death comforts me when the panic sets in at work.

I wish I wasn't so dramatic.

Prairie Pigtails

Aug 1st, 2008 12:43:02 am - Subscribe
Mood: hungover

I found my old semipornographic pictures from the house we broke into a million years ago.

I look nothing like that now. Here's a comparison picture.

(I'm the non-furry one)

I fucking love that dog. I'm probably going to receive him in the mail when Gina has her baby. Yeah, I'm going to be Crazy Aunt Ev.

Edit:
Holy cow. After posting this, I see the similarity. I guess I haven't changed a bit. My hair is half a shade lighter and longer with bangs. I'm still me and I guess I'm always going to have the appearance of a pre-pubescent boy.

Aspen

Jul 23rd, 2008 4:47:54 am - Subscribe
Mood: fatigued

I pwned 14 rooms today. Granted two DND stayovers. Textspeak is still new to me.

Work, loneliness, alcohol, casual sex, scorn, longing, numbness. It appears my summer is a series of Modest Mouse lyrics.

I'm not complaining.

I don't hate my job. I don't hate this town. New Family is growing on me. Relationship with Jeremy seems salvageable.

There are certain things out of my control. Certain people I wish I'd never met. I'm not sure if I care for this contentment.

I just have to play it off as though I do.

I met a girl at the smoke shop today. I complimented her rainbow necklace; she returned the favor by acknowledging my entire outfit. I told it was compensation for my lacking in personality.

Modesty isn't so much a new hat for me, however; tis a different type of humbleness that compels me, recently.

Some lady at work told me I was hauling ass with my rooms and compared me to another lady who is particularly speedy. Instead of sheepishly denying it or saying "no kidding, I was really fast today" I simply said, "I had a lot of singles."

She didn't know how to reply. I guess that was the response I was shooting for. I see people fishing every day. Jumping up and down screaming for compliments. This behavior disgusts me and I'm going to try and steer clear of such conduct.

I'm going to keep a journal of Sharon's complaints. More like a spreadsheet. It's the same stuff over and over. Medical problems, car problems, financial problems, double rooms, lack of appreciation, REPEAT.

A spreadsheet would be so funny.

I need to go on a diet, starting now.

Sleep.

And I liked it.

Jul 2nd, 2008 5:06:34 am - Subscribe

Work went well.

I met these kids in a band yesterday and they gave me their cd. Apparently they open at warped tour.

They trashed the hell out of their room but I kept the boxers I found in the ice bucket.

They were hot. I didn't get any.

Today this old chick was bitching about how she wishes she had a job with a set time to leave everyday. Who has that kind of job? She asked if I liked having a job where you never know what time you get off. I had no idea what to tell her so I said I've had worse jobs than this.

I didn't feel like comparing battle scars with someone who has worked in housekeeping for 40+ years.

Every job has its tradeoffs. Housekeeping requires draining, mindless, physical labor. It's better than dealing with bitchy customers. It's exhausting, it's not degrading. Perspiring pays the bills. They pay me just enough to do this.

If I could get $50 an hour to make out with people and eat gummy snacks, that would be more up my alley, however; this service is not in demand at this point in history.

Must stay in school. Must maintain options.

The only thing about work that gets to me is when I'm assigned the same floor three to four days in a row and I get to a room and think: Room 241, today the furniture is rearranged, yesterday there was blood all over the toilet, a few weeks ago, there were onion rings in the sheets.

I clean the damn room and make it look like all the others but before I shut the door I wonder what in the hell it's going to look like tomorrow. The toilet overflowing because some ass couldn't fight the dire urge to flush a towel?

This is the only part that gets to me, aside from the constant complaining and gossiping among my coworkers.

I haven't earned complaining rights just yet.

Gossip scares me.

This job must not be right for me.

We were shooting off fireworks in the back yard and we all started singing God Bless America very poorly. Megan went inside. She gets embarassed too easily.

I can't wait to go to Wilson tomorrow.

Life is great without facebook.

To Never Fall in Love Again

Jun 29th, 2008 4:38:50 am - Subscribe
Mood: enigmatic

I went on a walk last night. Sometimes I think pain increases creativity. This is all I came up with:

I know this town,
my way around.
The one small cost;
I am still lost.
This is Hays.
It's just a phase.
Be leaving soon,
the next blue moon.

Yawn.

I was sitting on a bench outside of the newspaper place and I wrote "This is where I try to meet people" on one of the bricks. I'm such a deep badass.

I deactivated my facebook account. I'm not even sure why. I guess I just want attention. I hung out with Jeremy today. He was wearing a cute sweater I picked out. I tried really hard to want him back but it didn't work. I'm getting over Josh.

This process is a pain in the ass. This happens a lot. He hit the worst. I saw where this was going. Logic and emotion weren't in agreement, though. He made my life topsy turvey. I got that term from Willy's Silly Glasses. GREAT BOOK. It's pretty much about my life.

I've never loved anyone the way I love Rivers Cuomo.

Work sucked today. I had 18 rooms as opposed to my usualy 11 or 12. I'm really sore. I made $320 this paycheck. Just enough to cover rent. I was so excited.

It's sad, really.

I work so I can make money to live in house. I make just enough to get by. Life is work. Work is life.

"My American dream is to have it a little bit better than my parents ever had it."

No such luck.

Poor me.

One Sweet Girl to Ease My Mind

Jun 22nd, 2008 4:22:11 am - Subscribe
Mood: disconnected

I'm schnockered.

Schrameered, really.

THis will not be as intelligent when I wake.

Lifting my arms is difficult. Why doesn't he want to talk to me? Other than the fact that he knows I want him oh so much and he's made this decision to persue some much more beautiful girl.

I'm not upset.

At least I'm not acting like it. I'm totally playing it off. I'm drinking away the pain.

K
a
r
m
a

b
l
o
w
s
.

Why do I always feel the urge to type lyrics to songs I'm listening to?

I just discovered a bug in my hair.

I'm listening to N*sync and it sounds pretty deep.

BAhahahahaha.

So all these kids were here and I'm so drunk and they're like, yeah we're leaving and I'm like can I come? and lucas was all no and I'm pissed but its okay because I'd just regret it in the morning.

I can't wait to read this tomorrow after work and be like, wow, douchebags.

Lying in your arms, so close together, didn't know just what I had.

Fucking n*sync, dude.

This song is about my life.

Today I was driving to work listening to "Fer Sure" by Medic Droid and I'm like, this is about me and Josh.

Am I over him yet?

No.

I have to meet someone WAY better. And that will pretty much never happen.

I hate this shit.

"I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died; if I never loved, I never would have cried"

Fuck you, Simon and Garfunkel.

I'd kill to go back to that state of mind.

Oh so crazy. Lalalalala.

Please, Lord. Send me someone to spoon my troubles away.

Broke My Heart in the Trailer Park

Jun 21st, 2008 6:58:50 am - Subscribe
Mood: whiny

Everyone does this to me.

I like to think I'm a hard ass. I like to think I can control my feelings. In reality; I just react to heartache in a really fucked up manner.

I am not in control.

I do not have a firm hold on this situation.

Lately, I try to distract myself from acknowledging it. I could wallow in misery. I could sit around and cry and stuff my face. Instead I went out and took a million pictures of my hometown, sat by the lake for hours, chilled with my parents.

Felt my organs collapsing.

Is this healthy? Should I wallow? Every time this happened this year, I laid in bed for a week or two and tried to sleep away the pain. Then Chelsea would make me do something and then I'd meet someone to distract me until I'm over them. Then the new person would creep me out and I'd decide being single is okay.

He never creeped me out, though. He just found someone better.

Routine is out of whack.

Perhaps, instead of playing it off, I should let him know how much this hurts me. He should be aware of my feelings for him.

Or I can attempt to maintain the appearance of sanity.

I want to change everything about me. I've lost 10 pounds. I want to lose 50 more. I want my hair to be shiny and my skin to be clear and pale. I want to stand out and wear nifty clothes and everyone to want me.

Everyone should want to be around me all the time. I wonder how you go about obtaining such a status.

For once, I want to be the person people cry over.

Let's switch it up. Why doesn't anyone ever slit their wrists over me?

New Version of You

Jun 20th, 2008 6:29:25 am - Subscribe
Mood: accepted

I'm going to be okay.
Just you wait.
It will happen some day.
I'll change this state.

I can be cute sometimes.

Things are looking up for the time being. It may just be because I'm in Wilson and it feels good to be in a different place. Maybe I'm just trying really hard to make the best of things. I just hope this isn't temporary. I want to be happy. I just want to be happy.

I want to forget how I felt about him.

The Next To Be With You

Jun 18th, 2008 5:24:52 am - Subscribe
Mood: done

Tonight was the first night in a long time that I've felt happy.

Lucas, Shannon, Jonny, Megan and I all sat on the back porch watching a fire and listening to music on Shannon's iDog or whatever. Shannon brought out sparklers for us all to play with. Jonny was pretending to be an air traffic director and Shannon was the plane.

Their being couples didn't even phase me. It didn't matter that I was singled out. It felt great to be around neat people, throwing back beers, smoking cigarettes, listening to crappy music. Laughing.

For once I didn't feel alone. I just kept stopping to think how great tonight turned out to be.

I saw a shooting star and wished for Josh.

I got on facebook just now and it has him freshly listed as "in a relationship."

My stomach is going nuts.

I give up.

Words and Dreams and a Million Screams

Jun 17th, 2008 2:29:28 am - Subscribe
Mood: uneasy

I miss him.
I miss my parents.
I miss being around intelligent people.

I was checking out post secret last night and I broke down. One of them had a bunch of smiley face notes that said "have a good day" and such. The secret read "I'm going to miss these when I move out this fall."

I choked. I leapt out of bed and started pacing around my room, I couldn't breathe. I grabbed my cigarettes and ran outside. The clouds were orange and contained a David Firth vibe. It suited me. I walked up and down the sidewalk until I threw up. I lit a cigarette and started bawling. My chest hurt so much, I was whimpering as I struggled for breath. I fell to my knees and screamed into my person.

Work was uneventful.

I want a boyfriend.
Why bother?
You know how this is going to turn out.
This post is not unlike all the others.
Just a new song.
I'm driving to Wilson on Wednesday. I can't take this.

When Home Becomes a Strange Place

Jun 15th, 2008 1:40:12 am - Subscribe
Mood: Ouchy

I finally cried. I thought it would make me feel better. I was listening to Rise Against for some godawful reason and I just broke down. Period is making me hormonal as hell. I almost had a panic attack at work but managed to distract myself long enough for it to pass. I hope I don't go nuts at work. That's all I need.

I'll follow your voice.

I wish hope was that easy. Hope might actually be nice at this point. I know the end of my loneliness is near. Why can't I meet someone? You'd think out of all the people in this town I could find one neat person to make me feel special.

Someone other than Jeremy.

Soooo conflicted about that.

I might as well go running back? I won't ever meet anyone who will worship me the way he did. No one will ever love me like that. No one will ever love me, period. That's becoming more and more obvious. Each day bares a constant reminder of how plain I am. I used to think I was special. I lack the strength to laugh at this irony.

Calder told me I looked significantly less fat than I did in college.

(takes moment to rock out to angsty song in towel)

I'd kill to be in love.

Did I just say that?

Ugh. I'm quite torn about this. I know where I stand on the issue. Love, bad. Casual sex, good. But... I'm remembering the mutlitude of furry feelings I got years ago when people said nice things to me. I miss feeling all shy and giddy. I miss relationships before sex.

Now my stomach seriously hurts. I'm going to pretend it's because I'm so nausiated by a previous statement.

Not having someone makes me want to cry.

WTF?

I'm really getting upset with these opposing viewpoints. I finally know what people mean when they talk about their heart and brain disputing. I am actually experiencing this quarrel amongst my organs. I am so pissed right now. This nonsense must come to an end.

Down Like a Clown

Jun 13th, 2008 10:17:21 pm - Subscribe
Mood: ill

I've been horribly sick. Pukey and such. My muscles are sore and all I ever do is sleep. I couldn't keep my eyes open last night so I went to bed early, then woke up at 9. I ate some noodles and went back to sleep for a few hours. I started my period so I can use that as an excuse for all this laziness. Work is going to blow if I keep doing this. I need more exercise.

People are laughing usptairs and it's not fair.

Jeremy came to visit again and it makes me sad. He loves me so much but I'm holding out for someone else. I wish other girls realized how special he is. I wish he got out more.

Nothing seems more than just temporary. I feel like I'm not going to work at Days Inn for more than a few weeks before I find something better. People have worked there for 15 years. I can't imagine being a maid for that long. The chick who trained me had to point out that she learns faster than I since she's been doing this since she was 16. I was impressed. I'm pretty sure I have the highest education out of all of them. I'm the youngest. I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for them or envy them. They've made a career out of a minimum wage highschool job and they're okay with that. No one expects anything more out of them.

They pretty much have it made.
Or should I say, "maid."

Shut up.

So. I've lost all desire to smoke. The ladies at work are so trashy and toothless it makes me want to throw up.

Everything has that effect on me. Brain takes my sadness out on my stomach when I can't express myself. I wish I could cry. I haven't cried in ages. I know I would feel a lot better.

I got a package from Chelsea that cheered me up. I wish she would have sent me a package with herself or Josh in it, though. Missing them is making me ill. I'm so tired of not going to school and being around people. I thought summer would be a nice relaxation period but I'm even more worn out now.

I want to make out with a pretty girl or a cute boy.

Just once. Drunk or high. Just one semi-arousing encounter with an insignificant, yet attractive person would help me survive this surprisingly painful summer.

I wish to disappear for the next 2 months.

Forgotten Bathmat

Jun 9th, 2008 6:01:46 pm - Subscribe
Mood: squishy

I always feel like my insides are deteriorating. I'm pretty sure if I ever get cancer it's going to be in my stomach. I'm a hypochondriac. I wait around for all these diseases to take place.

Today was my first day of work on my own. They were all stay overs. It creeps me out walking around in other people's filth. It's one thing to clean up when they're gone but I'm convinced that I cleaned three rooms today where the people were pretty much living. One room had mexican flags and pictures of hispanic children in the mirrors. I kept picturing this guy coming in and referring to me as "white girl" and making all sorts of generalizations about my rich dad.

I'm horribly prejudiced. To the point where I think everyone else is.

I only worked for three hours. I could have stayed longer and helped out but no one seemed too friendly.

I'm really hungry but I don't want to eat. I hate it that I'm so chubby and I can't afford healthy food. After a nice six hour nap I'm going to snarf down a bowl of total and convince myself it's good for me.

I hate being this shallow. I also hate being this fat.

I want to look hot before school starts. I know it won't happen. It never does. I'm just about miserable enough to do it though.

Floorlamp

Jun 8th, 2008 5:17:07 am - Subscribe
Mood: nauseous

My first day at work went well. Or so I believe. I'm slow but I'm sure I'll get used to it all. I can't wait until I can do everything without freaking out.

My tummy hurts.

I'm in love. I'm admitting it now. Infatuated. Lustful. All those horrid things.

It's not mutual. It will never work out.

I miss my parents. Working makes me feel so distant. So grown up. So far from them. I just want to hang out around their house and eat their food. I'm so jealous of my friends. I just started and I already feel like I need to take time off to see them.

I am now breathing a sigh of relief. I'll never remember why.

Kept Just Out of Reach

Jun 7th, 2008 6:05:28 am - Subscribe
Mood: infatuated
Currently Listening To: LTJ

Gas is supposed to skyrocket.

W/E.

Sooo melancholy.

Not apathetic.

I'm actually hurting today. How does Less than Jake sound so happy all the time?

Their songs are all so cheerful and fast but the lyrics are sad as hell. I guess that's why I like them so much. Nobody likes a morbid bastard. I always make fun of my state.

I try to anyway.

I can't help it if I just need to lay in bed for weeks on end, trying to sleep away the pain.

Drama Queen.

God, I wish Josh would sign on to MSN. It really blows not talking to him. I have to get up for an interview tomorrow and I don't even care. I just want to talk to him. This is the first time in days that I've had the internet. This is the only form of communication these days. Who uses the phone anymore?

I was mostly excited that I can watch porn again. I tried to masty but I got all grossed out. I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian again.

Except for the whole being infatuated with Josh thing.

I'm waiting for him to come out of the closet or start dating some beautiful girl so I can begin the process of getting over him.

Lay in bed for weeks on end until someone significantly less fantastic comes along.

Or until I start going to parties and engage in casual sex again.

So much easier anyway.

Sick of feeling. Sick of liking him. Sick of relationships. SickSickSick.

I'm not going to be chipper tomorrow.

Reality Czech

May 23rd, 2008 9:07:39 pm - Subscribe
Mood: uneasy
Currently Listening To: Get Up Kids

I can't start working until next week. I have to get a second job. I'm going to be super late on the rent. I'm pretty much fucked as far as money goes.

I miss my friends. I miss having Chelsea and Josh around all the time. I miss the dorm. I miss being held and touched and violated. I hate waking up alone. I've done it for 18 years. I should be used to it but after 8 months of having someone my bed or at least in the room has spoiled the hell out of me. This past year has left a drastic illusion of loneliness in the present. Lucas and Shannon are usually around but they're basically my parents. Spooning doesn't work with them.

My piercing is leaving a funky smell in my nose. It's going to be there until I die.

Sink is backed up. Tub doesn't drain very well. I can't even afford this place.

Jeremy thinks we're still together. I don't want him anymore but I depend on him. I wish I could still like him. He's such a great person. Why can't I love him? He needs a special girl to make him feel as special as he is. As special as he thinks I am. I can't even describe the way he looks at me. I don't understand it. If someone ever did what I did, I would never love them.

I'm such an ugly person. Inside and out.

So confused and frightened.

Growing up is absolutely horrifying.

I hope things work out. They usually do. I feel like I'm just avoiding certain situations.

I like Josh a lot. I'm convinced he's gay. Most of the former semi-closet bisexuals I know are. I know too many non-straight kids to not see this coming.

Last night he told me he was unsure of my orientation. I pretty much said nothing since I'm unsure about it as well. I kind of want him to think I'm a lesbian so he doesn't have to feel bad about not dating me. Deep down, I wish he liked me.

I wish I could let him.

I wish I was pretty so I wouldn't have to worry about people not liking me.

This is absurd. People like me. They just don't want to fuck me.

Who could blame them?

This works out perfectly as I seem to be unable to fuck anyone I actually like.

Sex is so scary.

Drag me across the floor.

May 18th, 2008 5:40:29 am - Subscribe
Mood: infatuated

I'm falling for..rrr.... I hate me.

I'm going to a dance party in a bit.

Sober.

My mind is on one who won't be there. I'm not even anticipating making out with a million people. Maybe a girl or two. Bryce doesn't even seem that great right now...at all. Why is this happening? I'm falling for him. I think I might be willing to take that horrid gamble. I actually want to wait for him.

The whole summer.

I was actually jealous when he told me he was going to hook up with a guy.

Jealousy is not my thing. Unless it's Bryce and Chelsea. Then I get jealous. Jealous as hell. But that was different.

I called dibs.

But this is new. Monogomy makes sense now? It shouldn't. It never does with me. Especially since we never agreed to date exclusively.

I just like him a lot.
I miss him too.
I keep thinking about him.
I hate this.

I can't let him feel the same. He has to hurt me. Or perhaps at this point I can hurt him?

Not likely.

Maybe I can act really psycho when he comes to visit in a few weeks. Then it will push him away. I'll be sad for a while, then I'll find someone else to drunkenly violate me to feel alive for a while, only to be repulsed by all men for the following week. Low maintenance atw.

Or maybe I'll just hold him really close and touch his hair.

I always do the opposite of what I decide is best.

Frequent drunken no-strings-attached sex>monogamous stringy relationship with fuzzy feely shit.

Former=confusion and temp happiness.
Latter=hurty ouchiness.

I just don't want to get all mushy around him. I don't want to tell him how I feel when he's away, or how often he crosses my mind or even how insanely attractive I find him. I don't want to feel compelled to inform him of such nonsense.

Mushy causes problems.

But he makes me mushy....

Be a hardass, Evie. Stand your ground. Don't let him do this to you.
Grampa, you're insane.
Shut up, Rachel.
I'm Ramses.

Shit, now I'm doing it in my blog too.

I think as long as I don't tell him I love him or let myself think I love him or let him think he loves me or let him tell me he loves me, we'll be fine.

I want to love him.

NOOO!

My room is a mess. Clean. Dance party. Make out with girls. Don't think about Josh. Don't love Josh. Masty. Sleep.

Deep down I love you so.

May 17th, 2008 2:23:45 am - Subscribe
Mood: alone

It's like throwing out a brand new purse, knowing someday the strap will give.

I need to give this a chance.

He gave me a chance.

I just really hate it when the strap breaks.

...

Metaphors are fun when you don't want to talk about your feelings.

Mindless All the Way

May 14th, 2008 9:53:30 am - Subscribe
Mood: neurotic

I took adderall to help me study. I went to the lobby for a better environment. I expected focus.

My mouth tastes of plastic electricity.

I'm pretty sure it was covered in E. I got all euphoric and nuts. It faded after a while. I ran downstairs to grab a drink but ended up in the wrong area with the wrong currency.

I sat with Josh while he was at work. I bet I annoy the hell out of that kid. He's like Jeremy in the worst way, the type of person who can't reveal how they truly feel about others. Insanely polite.

I was all nuts from the brief E high and ran around for a bit. Josh showed me a video that reached into the scariest location within me. Tears traveled down my face as the lights danced before me. I knew where this was going.

This was the worst timing.

This was the only timing.

This is what I need to feel. This is not how I should have to feel it.

I much rather put off my sadness until the tears are convenient and concealed. Sadly, it never works out.

Is this how it works for everyone? I like to think I'm special. I like to pretend I'm the only one who hides. But it's everyone else who's hiding. I'm the honest one. I'm an open book. An encyclopedia of insanity. I only hide what destroys not what is merely unpleasant. Often, my honesty pushes others away. Am I hiding, or am I just forcing others to abandon me?

I was crying because I feel alone. Josh was sitting right there trying to make it better. Comfort hurts sometimes. I can only imagine what goes through the minds of others at moments like these. I still see what is to come. I still see what has happened. He can't hold me forever. It's only a matter of time before I force him out of my life.

I can't be near anyone. This is what happens. I see the end. I want to say this is different but is it? Right now it seems he's more capable of hurting me than I am of him.

This may be different. But it reveals another edition of my cowardice.

I just wanted to study.

Eric does it too. I'm not him, I'm not him, I'm not him. I'm not him. I am not him. I am not Eric.

Please, don't let me be him.

I'm moving. I'm not depending on my parents. I hardly contact them. Words never find themselves in their direction. I feel like such a failure and I haven't even done anything yet.

I feel their disappointment. I want to make them proud. I want them to tell me what to do. WHAT DO THEY WANT? They want me to be happy but they don't teach you that in school.

(I never write in all caps. I actually screamed that in my head. It was sharp.)

I can't work in an office. I want to be a great artist, I want to be a novelist, I want to be a minimalist, traveling the country. I want to settle down somewhere. I want to be alone, I want great friends. I want to be independent. I want to do something selfless. I want to change the world. I want my family to be proud of me.

I want to stop crying... now.

The adderall is causing me to focus on everything that has ever hurt me.

Or perhaps I'm causing that. I brought all this baggage out in the open to Josh. I don't know why I speak of such things lately. This shouldn't be the only angle of myself I have to offer the world. At a point of confusion he suggested I make a timeline.

He was kidding.

2000
Severe ADD, daydreaming turned into hallucinations and longterm dillusions, broke a mirror, found reality in bleeding.

2001
9/11, Kenny was sent overseas almost instantly. Mom completely detached herself from everyone. Smoked lots of pot. Lonely as hell. Dad never around. Brothers drinking, working, smoking. Date rape. More seclusion.

2003
Started dating Nichols. Felt better about things. Rekindled friendships. He cheated with Desawhore, I quit eating. Severe desperation for human contact. More Pot. Constant drama.

2004
Mom still in front of Leave It To Beaver. Started dating Neusome. Beat the hell out of me, physically forced to give him head. Threw up, beat me some more then jerked off in my face and slept with Desirae over the weekend. Broke up the following Monday. Offered to put out more if he took me back. Referred to as Pukedick for weeks following.

2004
Can't give good head. Kenny came home. Jeremy started weening his way into my life. Laura=beauty. Ceased food issues. Happy again. Still smoking pot. Swore off guys. Jeremy ruined that. Stopped being "goth". Laura's dad died. Empathy. New perspective.

2005
Eric took me to see Weezer.First signs of Eric's problem. Still getting high. Still can't give head. Started drinking. Apathetic relatioinship w/ Hook.

2006
Discontinued excessive pot use. Eric messed up. I witnessed. Sat around the house all summer making me do shit for him. Mom, mad at him, chose to take it out on me, as I was the "stable" one. Worked three jobs to escape. Comfort in numbness. "Never drink again." Apathy.

2007
Maggie. Anxiety problems. Mild alcoholism. Hopelessness about future. Broke up with Jeremy to persue Old Kid. Graduation. Parents found cigarettes. Stopped talking, domestic issues, took Jeremy back, still dealing with Eric. Moved in with Lucas, moved into dorms.

Everything got better.

Everything since then is irrelevant. I'm not sure what I've accomplished from this. I don't think it helped me understand my state... at all. This is my skeleton. These past few months are a new outfit I'm not used to.

There is a great deal I hate about college. I feel like in highschool, everyone knew my whole story. Now I have to constantly explain myself to new people. Whether it's "Why do they call you Grampa?" or "Why won't you give me a blow job?" or "Why do you put up with Chelsea?" or "Why do you always twitch like that," It's not that I don't want people to know me. I just grow so tired of the same questions. I wish only one person could show curiousity and I can give the world my explaination all at once.

I guess that's why I hate meeting people. I hate it that they don't just get me right away. I never realized how much history everyone has. I've only known Chelsea for 8 months and yet, I probably know more about her than most people she grew up with.

Cookies breaking off the edges to fit into the jar of college.

I miss my corners.

Despite my irritation with the questions, I've become so much more open. I think I'm trying to push everyone away from me. I want everyone to see how insane I am. Maybe I want to see how much a person can know me before they run off.

Invalid. No one has ever run from me. I always do the running.

Do I want them to understand me? Perhaps I feel I need to know that someone can handle me.

No such luck.

Chelsea can't even handle me. But she accepts me. That's why I can't let her go. She treats me badly and I don't always like her but she unmistakably sees who I am and still wants to be around me.

That's fucking special.

Jeremy was the same. He was nicer to me. I think I like him more than Chelsea but it pisses me off that he won't go to school. I don't want to be in love with him. It was difficult to break it off with him because he's so sensitive and I feel responsible for destroying him. Have you ever destroyed your best friend? He'll manage.

It's over now.

But then Josh wandered in.

Dammit, it's not like it was his fault. I completely initiated it. I almost wish Chelsea would just sleep with him already so I can get over him and focus on other things. I love how she looks out for me.

She can obliterate me.

Is she really all that good for me?

I want to crawl into that outlet. My kidneys hurt. My head is spinning. Adderall was a bad idea. At least I'm awake. I wish I could study instead of sit here and analyze every possible theory as to why I can't stop crying. Why I push people away. Why I can't focus. Why I only hurt at the worst times. Why I can't just have short intervals of feeling instead of eruptions of devistation when I should be my happiest.

Why I smell like an appliance.

Why my focus is on the wrong dilemma.

Why other people know why they are sad and my sadness is a subconscious/repressed torment whose deciphering proceedure is nearly impossible.

I am not a complex person.

Drama is not my fancy.

This is probably why I crash. Others seem to crash harder and more often. I crash in an unusual fashion.

I wish I didn't have to do this.

Moblathka

May 13th, 2008 12:54:14 am - Subscribe
Mood: bubbly

So since that experience, I've been really giddy. I keep thinking of things we said and did that night/morning/afternoon that make me laugh so hard.

We all watched the video over dinner. It was probably the most hillarious thing ever we've ever recorded. It was so unlike anything any of us had ever done. The fact that even Chelsea and Janece were amused by it makes it so much better.

My giddiness is also a result of Josh telling me he didn't regret making out with me. I can't remember what we were talking about that lead up to that statement but I keep thinking about it now and it makes me smiley.

I love it when people can do that to me. Rather than just creep me out or make me feel sick and dirty. Or worse, indifferent. I don't care what he meant by that. He could have meant that he doesn't regret things like that very easily or he could have meant that he wishes to engage in such encounters in the future. It doesn't matter because we still hang out and it's fun and things aren't awkward between us.

But still, I keep acting like I'm in junior high. I like him. I'm pretty sure he likes me. The idea of sharing a sober kiss with him causes feelings I haven't experienced in years. But I'm afraid to. I slept in his room last night. We watched a movie and spooned. Today we were watching Jim Gaffigan and we passed out. Being around him is pretty terrific.

It really blows that I'm such a pussy around him. I usually have so much confidence around guys. I'm such a little kid when I actually like someone. I'm so much cooler when it's recreational. I rather enjoy it though. At least I get to spend time with him. He isn't like the other people I've been with this year where I make out with them, sleep over, leave before they wake, never see them again. Those were fun and all, but still... Josh.

I won't see him all summer.

Anticipation is mildly refreshing. It makes me feel things. Things I never feel with instant one-night drunken temporary confidence improvements.

No syringe could possibly cram any more adjectives into that last sentence.

That's not a deer.

May 11th, 2008 7:12:42 pm - Subscribe
Mood: distracted

Josh and I went to a lame punk show and drove around, listening to Modest Mouse on my shitty car speakers. I really felt like I connected with him. I can't explain it. It's like he just understood something that most others just ignore.

I sat with him at work into the wee hours of the night.

It was about 4am. I didn't want to end another situation with him with an awkward goodbye, as if we are both dying to go at each other but both too shy to initiate the first move.

I remembered Chelsea's E and asked if he'd like to do it with me. He agreed and I went to ask Chelsea. We split a hit around 6 and Chelsea drove us and Janece to watch the sun rise. Josh and I were already wacky from sleep deprivation so we immediately started to irritate Chelsea and Janece. This only made my feelings for him greater since I felt as though Chelsea and Janece didn't understand. Chelsea more or less demanded that I don't date him. This encourages me pine for him so much more.

People drove by asking us if we needed help. We sat there in blankets waiting for the sun to rise and for the x to kick in. Josh and I shared a blanket. He put his arm around me. This simple gesture was probably the most incredible thing I experienced in all of this. I wasn't even high yet.

Then it started. The sun rose. As did we. The whole ride home Josh and I kept touching everything. It was a stereotypical trip. Everything was soft and we wouldnt shut up about it. Sooner than expected, Josh and I were touching each other and making out uncontrollably.

His eyes were huge and he kept uttering the most hilarious things. We stopped at sonic and ordered pubic hair.

Suddenly we were at the dorms. We crawled into Janece's bed which was the softest thing ever and it seriously felt as though every cell on my body was having an orgasm. Nerve endings multiplied and crowded together, making it impossible not to vocalize such delight. Josh and I confessed our undying love for each other. We kept making out and Chelsea told us to stop. She also demanded that we don't have sex. We kept calling her sex nazi. She told us we should slow down or we'd regret it. I told her it was okay because I knew he was a neat kid and to my surprise Josh told her that he had been wanting to kiss me for a long time. I pretty much felt like a 14 year old. I still do. I still feel really special that a cute guy like Josh would want a chubby little girl like me. I feel so repulsive sometimes. Especially around him.

We talked for hours and never felt tired. Janece came in and made us leave. We went to his room where I slept for a whole hour.

I felt so refreshed but now I'm crashing. I can't wait for Janece to wake up so I can see the video. When it makes it to youtube, I'll post a link. It's probably the funniest dialog that has ever been spewed from our mouths.

Broken Pots

May 4th, 2008 1:00:39 am - Subscribe
Mood: mopey
Currently Listening To: Butthole Surfers

Long distance relationships DO NOT work.

I wouldn't know this since I've never had one. I hate it when people tell me I know nothing about life or love as if they do. Nothing drives me more insane.

They're right. I know nothing about life and even less about love.

But they are just as clueless as I.

You have no fucking room to talk.

No one understands anything when they're 15.

Or 19.

Or ever.

My parents have lived together for a million years and for some reason they don't want to strangle each other all the time. Is that love? Ideally, yeah. But who's to say that their relationship is the only form of love? Who's to say that you find your true love before the age of 25, spend a few years dating exclusively, get married, have sex, spleek out some kids, raise them, get old, work, bitch, die.

Love is only a chemical reaction to affection.

We only feel this dire urge to be with someone because our hormones are raging and we're needy as hell and we want to feel like we're someone else's one and only so we compromise by deciding that this other person is the only person we're allowed to express affection towards in order for them to agree to repeat our actions. We have feelings for others but limit ourselves to that one person so we can feel special when they do the same.

Monogamy baffles me.

I'll never settle.

My mom walked in on me and Hook spooning. It was awkward but I think she took it well. She didn't throw shit and accuse me of rogering him. She only asked for help because my dad fell.

Apparently he got surgery.

Wacky DELI!

Finally Dandy With the Me Inside

Apr 29th, 2008 4:13:40 am - Subscribe
Mood: jazzed

So excited about Weezer's new album!

This is us, excited as hell.

You Silly King

Apr 21st, 2008 3:47:36 am - Subscribe
Mood: fruity

I pierced my septum. I like it but I'm sure it looks retarded and poseurish.

Being single blows.

It's not that I want a boyfriend. It just makes me realize how few people want me.

It also forces me to recall how repulsive I am.

I'm fat.I look like a boy.Doublechin?.Stupidhair.Ihateme.

It's dumb and juniorhighish. I know this.

Still.... no one wants me and that's sad. Everyone wants to be with my hot roommate. She's makes me horribly unattractive by comparison.

I believe I've stated before how I'm just the leaf on the plant to make the flower appear more beautiful.

Flowers fucking die.

I still hang out on the plant, though.

Rebound girl.

I'm accepting this.

"Well Chelsea doesn't want me, I guess I'll fuck that chubby girl dancing by herself."

Girls, you should only befriend horsey girls.

If my life were a movie, I would be the hilarious chubby best friend who hooks up with some ugly guy at the end while the main chick gets some stud.

It's ok. I don't like studly guys anyway.

I need to go pick up my hot roommate at work.

Despite all this, I'm thrilled that I have her in my life.

(I'm the ugly one.)

We were the people.

Apr 13th, 2008 9:24:41 pm - Subscribe
Mood: gross

Last night Chelsea made out with him. He asked her to stay the night.

I threw up. But I made it ok. She didnt believe me. I was convincing though.

I ran home crying. She showed up, I was in bed. She crawled in with me and told me she didnt fuck him.

We talked about how much we love each other.

I'm so hung over.

Last night was terrible.

I kissed a girl.
She was a slut.
I removed Janece's top.
I'm a slut.

I just want someone so badly.

I wanted Bryce.

Now I couldn't have him even if he wanted me.

Hay Fever

Apr 4th, 2008 1:20:43 am - Subscribe
Mood: Rejected

Sometimes I talk to you when I'm smoking.

I tell you things I never get a chance to when I'm at your appartment.

When I dance, I'm dancing for you. You never watch. I know this because I am watching you.

I try to be satisfied with what happened but I can't help wanting more.

Chelsea tries to help you. She tells me I don't stand a chance and that you find me odd.

I'm sorry I left a post card in your mailbox. I'm sorry if I frightened you. I thought you would find it creative and humorous. I realize now how silly I am.

I don't want a relationship, I wish you knew that.

Secretly, I wish that my not wanting a relationship is your only deterrant from persuing me and that you really want me as your girl.

I don't think I could ever love you.

I hate the feeling I have for you now. If I could make it stop, I would.

I want to replace you with someone who cannot hurt me.

I hate longing. I hate this wretched emotion.

"Yearn" is such a stupid word.

Pine is only foliage.

I hate hope.

You taunt me.

Ducharme

Mar 28th, 2008 3:57:31 pm - Subscribe
Mood: accepted

I went to a city GSA meeting yesterday with Jane. It was pretty neat. There were pretty lezburns.

I have to pretend to type because I dont want Chelsea to think I'm watching her being naked.

It's difficult.

I told Jeremy I cheated. I think he still wants me.

Chelsea has been really aggressive lately. Yesterday she slapped me, pushed me into a bush and tripped me. The day before she poured water on me in the elevator. I'm pretty sure I'm in first grade.

She says mean things too.

There's another skydeck party tonight. I'm making it a point to get some. I'm shooting for Bryce but I'll settle for significantly less. I have a great vintage outfit picked out and I'm pretty certain that I'll look ravishing.

I've been pregaming my whole life for this.

Walk it Off

Mar 27th, 2008 2:28:48 am - Subscribe
Mood: spectacular

People I'd like to fuck

Mar 27th, 2008 2:11:25 am - Subscribe
Mood: horny

1. Bryce True
2. Debbie Gould
3. Jeremy Hook
4. Clem Abercrombie...yeah, still. Have you seen him lately? Fox.
5. Christopher Spurlock
6. Jason Swart
7. Sharla Hutchinson

(Recent commentary and myspace has caused me to realize this needs to be updated. Sorry kids, this is not the original.)

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