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My life has been brightening up a bit. Between the attention from the cute gay kid in my class and the magic dress from work, I've been pretty happy. I don't feel so alone all the time. Summer might be a little different. I won't have the kids in class laughing at my muttered comments or complimenting my clothes, boosting my self-esteem each day. Ashy's miserable. I hate it because I know exactly what she's going through. I wish she'd just call so I can see how this whole breakup is working out for her. At the same time I'm afraid she'll just fall for me. She needs time with single, cheerful, straight girls. I hate it that I'm so glad it's over. Especially since she has no one else to turn to. Ben and I have been the only constants in her life. I'm not looking forward to her destruction. I'm absolutely in love with Pandora but it's definitely pissing my internet off. Mostly because when I hear a song I like I have to download the whole damn album. I keep listening to a song by Mustard Plug over and over because it reminds me of stupid Chris. I keep fighting the urge to link the video to Ashy. I figure at this point in the breakup it would only hurt more. I'm glad 12 people Like my pornographic memory. Back to my dreams of Dr. Tostenson. Get out of here, Nick. |
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Your tattoo didn't prevent him from beating me. Your fliers didn't prevent him from raping me. Fuck off Fort Hays. Fuck off everyone who thinks they can make a difference by purchasing a goddamn ribbon. Stop raising money for awareness. I didn't need the reminder. |
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I just spent an hour looking at engagement rings. Not the synthetic diamonds for which I was once willing to settle. This time, I searched the monsters that would look ridiculous on my dainty hand. I'm tired of being sensible. Maybe it's spring fever but I'm ready to actually shoot for that guy who's out of my league. The professor, the one with the football scholarship, the one who's so good-looking he almost has to be gay. Why the hell not? I'm tired of spending my nights reading, writing, watching youtube videos and waiting to get a text from my lame friends, hoping someone will let me buy them ice cream. I'm a special girl and there is no reason I should be alone tonight. Tomorrow, I make my move(s). |
| It was dark and we were in the middle of nowhere. We were both hurting from our former loves. I asked him why he dumped her and he told me that all of his friends told him that she cheated on him with me. I didn't know what to say, he appeared angry but he told me not to worry about it. We sat on a dusty bed in the abandoned house engaging in deeper conversation than I'd ever had with him. I began to sob over my past mistakes, compelling him to hold me. Before I knew what was going on, we were making out. He walked away to find condoms and I made a break for it. The sun was coming up, I was high and had no idea where they had taken me. He followed, telling me he knew of a better place to go but our time was limited. I ducked behind a bush and took off running into an arch of tree limbs. The limbs grew closer to the ground the farther I ran, forcing me to crawl on the ground. I kept thinking to myself that this encounter could only end in heartache. I had to get away before I fell deeper in love, allowing him that opportunity. I ran between tall fences so he would not see me but they blocked my destination so I climbed over them, falling and hurting myself more each time. Completely surrounded by unique trees accented with a hot pink sunrise, I could not stop for a second to embrace the beauty. Ben caught up with me by taking a shorter route. Still breathing heavily from the run, he lifted me up effortlessly and propped me against the fence. He leaned in to kiss me, our hearts racing against each other. At that moment I felt the most intense desire I had ever felt for anyone. He pulled away and set me back on the ground and announced that he had to leave. I sat on the ground crying, wanting to die, hating myself for allowing another person past my force field. I passed out from drugs and tears and waited for the rest of the group to find me, abandoned again by someone who should have meant nothing. |
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"It's so stupid, they hate each other but they can't seem to stop having sex." *knowing look* "We use protection!" "It was nice of you to bring food over." "It was nice of you to let me eat at your house and put your penis in me. You're a good friend" |
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I'm overwhelmed with the desire to dropkick everyone in that class. Throughout the entire hour I have to fight the urge to shove my tongue down the throat possessing the only voice of intelligence. Perhaps that dumb bitch had a point. Gross generalizations frustrate the absolute hell out of me. When the hell is Lucas coming home? I can't take this anymore. I don't want to call her or blow another paycheck, searching for those few gleeful moments before remembering who I am and where I live. Mom understands but at least she has anesthesia to keep her amused. My dad was dumb enough to buy her another SUV. My breakfast pizza weighs more than your breakfast pizza. |
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I can't even begin to describe the orgasms this weed has created. It's best not to publish these thoughts but I'm conflicted. My eyeliner rips off slowly. I have no idea what happened, I know that this is what I wanted. My loneliness is altered. I want to. I want to. Need to. I want to cry. I don't. I can localize my pulse with my thoughts. Unbelievable intensity. I want to press my face against something cold and ceramic. |
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The cowboys stole my weekend and my strength. He only comes by when she's mad. Marvin, Xu, Crackers and the stoners kept me company while I summoned the fairy of forgetting. Threw Daisy's bouncy though his gauges. I was tricked. I don't want to get back together. I want things to be the way they were. I can't ride in the front seat. I wanted eleven tacos. I wanted presents and affection. But I will give it all up to avoid the snoring and repeated stories. How many men have really loved me? He couldn't have if he doesn't even have images in his dreams. Are his thought molecules capable of joining to form more than just my name? My mannerisms, my words, each come from the image that is me. Waffle for dinner. Freezing. This is an emphatic sentence. Fourth emphatic sentence fragment. |
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Tearing the dress down like falling on curtains. Wish I could afford to feel this way forever. Eating the girl beneath the Mondrian. Wake me up in three months. I am still waiting for this. For something more. It is not enough. Chewing. Claws. Tears. Bliss. O. |
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I fall for every guy who tells me a story about a stuffed animal. They disappear shortly afterwords. This one will blister. He will be the last one. |
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I've exceeded my filth limit. The dishes and laundry are piled high enough to climb. The bathroom needs cleaned, the living room needs dusted and vacuumed. I need to start packing. Instead of taking care of myself and the house, I spent two days in strange beds, stoned. I haven't showered, I refuse to eat. My cough isn't getting better. I put my nephew in the hospital. My deadbeat brother wants to see me but I need to sleep some more. Somehow I managed to shave my legs. I don't know why I need to be thin right now. It's so funny how the mind works. |
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Today I was a delight to fuck. |