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I moved here three years ago. I remember sleeping in this very room, several weeks before school started. I drove to Hays to visit Laura in the hospital, to buy my books, to drop off some stuff in my new dorm room, to find a laptop, to escape the endless fighting. I painted pictures to pass the time while I was alone at my brother's house. Squirrel Explosion and Shannon's tree, both left on their (now my) refrigerator. I never thought I'd move in to this house. One of my friends from high school came to Hays as well. We get together every few months. I made friends in the dorm but they have all moved. There are two people in this town who still attempt to spent time with me. I avoid them both. It seems that everyone that I want to see is located in eastern Kansas or Colorado. I haven't seen my favorite brother in over a year. Fucking Megan gets to see my nephew more often than I do. I'm missing out on the most exciting portion of his development. I don't feel like an aunt at all. I feel like a loser who can't figure out what to do anymore. This town has little to offer anymore. I'm hundreds of miles away from everything. I laughed when a stranger asked about the nearest Starbucks. This town is a hint of civilization surrounded by ghost towns and untouched land. It kills me that I once defended this town. My friends would complain that there is nothing to do and that it was full of conservative rednecks and religious nuts. I took offense since I am clearly neither and I could always find something to do. Now I sigh and accept the truth to their statements. I can no longer find happiness in this small town. I no longer find beauty in the emptiness. The run-down buildings were once inspiration for a creative piece. Now they are as worthless to me as they were to those who abandoned them. Everything has become a monument of failure. A symbol of missed opportunities and unfortunate circumstance. There is so little keeping me here. It's likely that I won't find happiness elsewhere but at least I can stop resenting this poor town. |
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The thermostat does not need to be set at 73. If you close the blinds and take fewer than forty smoke breaks between the two of you throughout the day, 77 would be a reasonable temperature. Also, you can leave your pets in Kansas City. I'm sure you could pay some kid to take care of them. Letting the dog out and leaving the door open lets the cold air out at a rapid pace. Also, I'm sure you are capable of turning lights and electronics off when they are not in use. Those things produce excess heat. Not that it matters, it's still fucking cold in here. You do not need to help me clean my room. I'm sorry there are clothes and craft supplies on my bedroom floor. If I'm not mistaken, I write you a check each month to use the room as I please. Nothing is being destroyed, I do not leave food out. The kitchen, bathroom and living room are all clean and tidy, except after you come home. You do not need to help me move my table upstairs. I apologize that you do not have sufficient furniture when you visit but this is what works for me. You do not need to do my dishes. All of the things you washed are dishwasher safe. It could have been put off until I had a full load. Since I rinse my dishes after use, they are not caked in food and do not smell. I take it as an insult each time you clean something that doesn't need to be cleaned or offer to help me with the housework. You do not live here. You stay here when you have things to do in town. I keep the house the way you left it, maybe a little cleaner. Don't criticize the way I do things. It's not hurting you or the house. FYI your shower with Jonny has lasted over 30 minutes. I don't think you're really saving that much water by showering together. |
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I forgot how easy it is for me to fall head over heels for strangers. I've been a little distracted over the past year, attempting to handcuff myself to my struggling boyfriend. I grew nervous when I smelled Autumn's approach. Instantly reminded of the painful betrayals that took place this time last year. I know how I handle changing seasons, considering I spent most of my life depressed about some damn thing or another. This morning I wore a sweater for the first time in months. I set the air conditioner to low in my car. The cold air without the burning steering wheel, first thing in the morning reminded me of driving past several houses, keeping a close vigil on my straying boyfriend. Wondering if and when he was going to give up on us. Waiting for the anger and sadness to build up in my chest, I felt a strange feeling, relief. Completely calm and content, I drove back to Chris's house, not to make sure he was still there, but to retrieve a forgotten pair of shoes. I hugged my sleeping boyfriend and continued to school. On my way I smiled, thinking how nice it is not worrying about him sneaking around. Realizing my ability to focus on schoolwork without the constant need to discuss sensitive subjects or the fear of him leaving me. My wandering eye is a horrid side effect of my contentment. Discussion of Socrates causes lustful thoughts. Completely normal. I fall for a professor every semester. Nothing comes of it, even if I muster enough courage to pursue such desires. I always spend the first few days scouting out potential friends and lovers. Whether I'm dating someone or not. I know I can't keep friends and I know that I have a boyfriend. I still can't help myself. I search the room and my crosshead usually lands on several unsuspecting victims of my unjustified affection. Why did I have to watch that stupid movie? It has only made it more difficult for me to not act on my desires. She's probably a freshman. Tall and beautiful with bright red-violet hair and dark undertones. My heart races when I run into her. I want to say something, compliment her hair or shoes, instead I get nervous and lower my eyes, hoping she'll make the first move. I'm pathetic. I run it through my head. The initial gooey feelings of falling in love and finding out they feel the same way. Breaking up with Chris. Introducing her to the family. Moving in with her. Adopting little Asian babies. I do this every semester. Call me when reality needs me. This shouldn't take long. |