i tried to slash his tires last night during the game. the blade broke. so to in a lame excuse to make up for it, i stole the little skrewy things on his tires (i dont know what their called, hehe) and i now carry them for good luck even thought they are a result of my failure. i needed revenge but this isnt it. i couldnt even follow through with a junior high written plan. i feel dumb. at least i let some air out of his tires. i wrote him a letter that im going to leave in his locker:
I'll be your inconvenience
you'll never be so kind.
You'll never get past yourself,
I'll never cross your mind.
he'll probably think its a love letter from some loser who's too pathetic to talk to him. i dont know exactly what i meant. i wrote it late at night. i was considering throwing in the words "dirty skank" but that might be too obvious and i dont want him to know that got me down.
Jeremy got me candy, nail polish remover, and super glue yesterday. i ate candy, removed my chipped nail polish and glued the arm back on the frog ring he gave me. it was my special jeremy time. i think im going to give him up for lent.
Its foggy out. i like fog.
everyone is too stupid. all these girls got in a fight and i had to hear about it all day. a bunch of them were threatening to beat up this one girl and fuck up her car and she's like, practically crippled as it is, and then these two girls were defending her and they all called them lesbians because they stay the night at each other's houses. i felt like throwing something.
Homo was gone today.
i missed him.
me and jill decided he went home gay.
there's this girl who just added me on msn. shes goofy because she just typed in a bunch of names hoping to find some interesting people so im trying to be extra interesting for her but i think im just freaking her out. Her name is Victoria. she sounds sexy.
me, frank and nichols all want to set fire to a mop and put it outside the school some day and make a big sign that says "janitors on strike" and leave beer bottles laying around so that it looks realistic. (our janitors go to the bar during their break) we also want to steal this old mac in the band room that has this game "barney carnage" on it. it isnt in use anymore so nobody would miss it.
maybe i should give up sticky notes for lent...
yesterday was hell. i was tired and bored all day. we shouldnt have had school. i went home and called boyfriend. i get this weird hormonal thing sometimes and i dont know what i want. he brought me a symphony bar. one of the really big ones. i ate half of it right in front of him. i never could do that with guys before. i dont know where this doubt is coming from.
after feeling sicky for a while the phone was ringing off the hook when i was trying to to homework. i was hoping someone would call me. anyone, it was pathetic. i went down to the kitchen and my mom was on the phone in the other room and my dad asked when the concert that i wanted to go to is. i told him it was march 11 and he said eric was convinced it was the 4th. i went and got the flier i stole from the record store in lawrence and he told me to go tell him (my mom was on the phone with him.) i was all excited about talking to him so i told mom to give me the phone but she was ignoring me so i told her to tell him when the concert was. she did but five minutes later she looked up at me and said "eric says their all sold out"
i went to my room and cried for god knows how long. mom came in and informed me the bracelets i made for eric were too small and he broke two of them trying to get them on. just the thing i wanted to hear.
we got out of school early. it's snowing.
before school i was in the art room as usual with justin and jenny. all was well except for my poutiness over the concert but then justin said something to the effect of "i totally blew up in giersch's class yesterday-" and before he could go any further i said something along the lines of "that's so dumb, you're sick of the drama, yet you contribute to it by 'blowing up'. maybe if you stop blowing up and ignore everyone like a normal human being, then maybe you'd be a little happier." in other words "grow up and stop being a drama queen" he threw his canvas, said "fuck you" and stormed off. i yelled something about how he was going to be just fine by the end of the day and he just said whatever.
so the rest of the day he was all pissed and i was fine but when lunch rolled around i sat elsewhere. after spanish they announced that we would be dismissed and homo apologized. he's been stressed. half of me feels sorry for him and the other half wants to shoot him. i must be part laura.
i miss my laura, my starfish.
im still upset about concert.
I heard this rumor about Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) dying in a car wreck. god i thought i was gonna cry. i searched the net and watched the news for hours but found nothing so it's probably not true, but still.
Bean invited me to go to Paxico again but my mom's being stupid. she came right out and said i couldnt go but every time i argued with her she would change her argument and by the time we were done arguing about it we were talking about something completely different and i was like "so can i go or not?" and shes like "i dont know let me think about it." so we just argued for 20 minutes so she could think about it. oh well. it doesnt really matter if i go or not, just the fact that she said "no" before she even knew what i was asking kinda bothered me.
Ashley asked me to go to her 18th b-day thing, but i decided to go to paxico instead so thats what i told her. i was like "well if the weather's bad i'll go to your party. she was all hurt and i felt like shit. that was like, the biggest diss and i didnt even realize it.
i made mauntell's stupid boyfriend a bracelet that says "man bracelet" it's the best. he'll hate it and maunti will love it.
im sleepy. i've been too stupid lately to have any exciting adventures. i gave out these cheesy hello kitty valentines to anyone who has said as much as "hi" to me in the past year. everyone was nice about it.
theres this stupid game we do at our school where all the guys wear hearts around their neck with thier name on it and the first girl to make them talk gets the heart. well a few years ago we got prizes for the most hearts or the guys got a prize for keeping their heart the whole day but now we dont even do that so we do this dumb heart thing for no reason. anyway all these girls were sad because they didnt have a heart so i grabbed these heart stickers in my bag and wrote "ev" or "Rachel E" on each one and stuck them on people telling them that they'll always have my heart. Tacy gave me one with her name. shes so cute. last year we acted like we were too good for each other now we're always talking. i got her a box of chocolates and said they were from a cute guy. she grinned and said "does he have a cute little boy butt?" (thats me) i was like yeah and she hugged me. i got mauntell easy bake mixes and told her she doesnt need to steal mine. we used to have easy bakes back in the day. she was excited.
jeremy came to see me at the game. it was a cute day.
Last night Mrs. Slechta took me to Salina to go bead shoping at Hobby Lobby. All beads were 50% off beads so instead of spending 30 dollars I spent 15.
I stocked up on wire, funky beads and a naked fairy charm.
In English, teacher let us have easy time and she said we could just listen to a story as long as we follow along in the book. So I was following along like a good little girl and teacher stopped the tape and asked dumbass Josh why his book wasn't open and he gave her some retarded answer and she was like ok whatever and I looked over at him and found his dramatic immaturity rather humorous so I started laughing. He flipped me off for like 10 minutes and finally I was like "you don't have to flip me off, I know how you feel about me"
He was asked to leave.
Farm class drove me crazy. We had to keep these dumb record books and they are so pointless. It was like doing taxes or something and I kept coming out with the wrong amount of money. It was so fucking frustrating, but I kept cool.
This morning in boring class #1 Mauntell announced to me that her aunt's cancer is gone. I didn't know what to say so I just smiled like a dumbass. But I was excited. I've been praying for her nightly. I don't think I'm going to stop, though. You never know with cancer. I just wish I could learn to show deeper emotions without seeming fake or insincere.
Eric's new name is Mr. Smiley. I looked up to him. He taught me everything I know. And now he lets me down.
|It's always in the back of my mind. He's always there, skrewing up. Am I going to end up like him? I'm him, how he was in high school. Just not on drugs. Will I let someone down? Is he ashamed of me? Does he even care? Why is this getting me down? Is it the concert or something more? Where to go from here...|
So tonight is our king and/or queen of courts and poodle is a canidate. I voted for him as king and queen. So we had this pep rallly and I figured the only way I would be participating is by being there and playing in band at the end. Well the cheerleaders had other plans. I was one of the two sophomores chosen to do this fucked up game where you take off your shoes and shoelaces and put them in the middle of the court and then run around and string them together. I happened to be wearing hightops so I was the last person out there and I looked like a dumbass so I just sat back down to finish my task. I don't have much school spirit.
Last night I went out for a bike ride. I haven't done that in years. I thought it was time to get off my lazy ass and do somethin so I grabbed my bad-ass little boy bike and took off for my old route in the country. Five minutes later I thought I was gonna die. I was like "how am I gonna get home?" so I just kept going. I stopped at this dranage ditch for a rest and let my feet dangle over the edge. I was coughing up blood and I was breathing all deep and whezzy like. I leaned over and just as i was thinking: hmm I feel sick, i threw up. I'm dying. So I grabbed my bike and just went. I couldnt stop, I needed to get home. It was dark, I was dying. Finally I got home. God, that was stupid, I used to do that all the time, and it never affected me like that before. At least not until I started smoking but I quit a long time ago.
I'm stayin the night at Bean's tonight. There's a dance and we like to skip out and "perform in our band." So yeah, no music will get played. It's our thing. We sit around and do stuff and tell people we had a gig. Actually I'm just stayin the night cuz we're silly lezburns like that.
Wilson High is retarded.
I'm still upset with Eric. It bugs me for some reason. Why am I being so shallow? It's not his fault they're sold out. I just feel like I can't depend on him for anything. I want to shoot myself.
I've been really depressed. I don't know if its from sickness or something more. I started crying during lunch yesterday. Not sure why. It was more like, my eyes were watering and I didn't try to hold it back. Justin was like "don't cry, evie bear" and I said ok and wiped my eyes. Nothing else was said. I didn't eat. I just stared at the coke machine completely blank. Nothing crossed my mind. It was so strange.
I started drawing the other day. I was so tired of sitting there in art and drawing little cartoon characters and happy little elves on mushrooms. I wanted to create somthing realistic. So looked through my file on the computer in the art room and found a picture of an interesting looking girl that I must have found attractive at the time I put it there. I decided I wanted to do something with that so I printed it off and went home and grabbed a pencil, a huge eraser and several sheets of paper. 20 minutes later I was finished and it looked somewhat okay. I was so excited because I finally went outside my comfort zone and made something that didn't suck. It isn't that great of a piece but it's good for me so I'm proud. Now I just wish I could be happy.
|Here goes today. Will the world please shut up for just one day?|
Poodle was gone today. Some college thing. I didn't get much sleep last night and I wanted him to take me to GB's before school to get an energy drink, but he never showed. So mexican class was boring as hell. Quiet. No drama what-so-ever.
Tacy is so cute. She and her dumb-jock boyfriend sat in front of me in seminar. I was getting rather annoyed. She turned around and handed me this note that was folded really small and gave me this big grin. It was a fake love letter. It said stuff about how she is so in love with me even though I'm friends with her gay brother and how she wants to get a hotel room with me and Nepoleon Dynamite. It was so funny.
I'm all busy next week. I have a CYO meeting and two things dealing with band. Then I have a bake sale that I really should be part of but I'll forget. Ok, I guess I'm not that busy but I'm trying not to go crazy from the concert that I'm getting skrewed out of so I'm trying to make the week seem more packed than it is. So I'm totally over-thinking everything. Like, this band thing I have to go to, I'm planning what I'm going to wear. I'm also making plans for the convention. Like, clothes, shit I'm going to do (involving fireworks) and stuff I'm going to say.
God, I wish i had a life.