I just wrote a lengthy post, complaining about all the people in my life right now. Being sick. Fighting with my boyfriend.
I'm sure it's a good thing it didn't post when I told it to and I lost everything on the page.
What was I looking for when I asked him out? I wanted him to feel the same way he always felt, only I could return the favor.
No one will ever look at me the way Jeremy did. No one can see past my imperfections and make me feel like the most beautiful person ever. No one will convince me that I deserve more than what I have. No one will miss me when I'm gone.
I was drunk and in pain when I asked him out. I was hurting throughout most of our relationship. I feared he would leave me and it was out of my control. I spent too much time doubting his love for me.
It wasn't his fault. It wasn't my fault. There was a problem that we just couldn't figure out.
I wish I could just call someone. Crawl into bed with someone else for one night. Dozens of people wait, stagnant on my list of contacts. I went through the list every time we fought, counting everyone who would kill to be with me.
Those people are irrelevant now.
All I can do now is retrace the footsteps in my mind, trying to figure out where things went wrong or what could have been done.
It's completely fruitless but I have all night.
I don't know what else to do.