Gas is supposed to skyrocket.
I'm actually hurting today. How does Less than Jake sound so happy all the time?
Their songs are all so cheerful and fast but the lyrics are sad as hell. I guess that's why I like them so much. Nobody likes a morbid bastard. I always make fun of my state.
I try to anyway.
I can't help it if I just need to lay in bed for weeks on end, trying to sleep away the pain.
God, I wish Josh would sign on to MSN. It really blows not talking to him. I have to get up for an interview tomorrow and I don't even care. I just want to talk to him. This is the first time in days that I've had the internet. This is the only form of communication these days. Who uses the phone anymore?
I was mostly excited that I can watch porn again. I tried to masty but I got all grossed out. I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian again.
Except for the whole being infatuated with Josh thing.
I'm waiting for him to come out of the closet or start dating some beautiful girl so I can begin the process of getting over him.
Lay in bed for weeks on end until someone significantly less fantastic comes along.
Or until I start going to parties and engage in casual sex again.
So much easier anyway.
Sick of feeling. Sick of liking him. Sick of relationships. SickSickSick.
I'm not going to be chipper tomorrow.
My first day at work went well. Or so I believe. I'm slow but I'm sure I'll get used to it all. I can't wait until I can do everything without freaking out.
My tummy hurts.
I'm in love. I'm admitting it now. Infatuated. Lustful. All those horrid things.
It's not mutual. It will never work out.
I miss my parents. Working makes me feel so distant. So grown up. So far from them. I just want to hang out around their house and eat their food. I'm so jealous of my friends. I just started and I already feel like I need to take time off to see them.
I am now breathing a sigh of relief. I'll never remember why.
I always feel like my insides are deteriorating. I'm pretty sure if I ever get cancer it's going to be in my stomach. I'm a hypochondriac. I wait around for all these diseases to take place.
Today was my first day of work on my own. They were all stay overs. It creeps me out walking around in other people's filth. It's one thing to clean up when they're gone but I'm convinced that I cleaned three rooms today where the people were pretty much living. One room had mexican flags and pictures of hispanic children in the mirrors. I kept picturing this guy coming in and referring to me as "white girl" and making all sorts of generalizations about my rich dad.
I'm horribly prejudiced. To the point where I think everyone else is.
I only worked for three hours. I could have stayed longer and helped out but no one seemed too friendly.
I'm really hungry but I don't want to eat. I hate it that I'm so chubby and I can't afford healthy food. After a nice six hour nap I'm going to snarf down a bowl of total and convince myself it's good for me.
I hate being this shallow. I also hate being this fat.
I want to look hot before school starts. I know it won't happen. It never does. I'm just about miserable enough to do it though.
I've been horribly sick. Pukey and such. My muscles are sore and all I ever do is sleep. I couldn't keep my eyes open last night so I went to bed early, then woke up at 9. I ate some noodles and went back to sleep for a few hours. I started my period so I can use that as an excuse for all this laziness. Work is going to blow if I keep doing this. I need more exercise.
People are laughing usptairs and it's not fair.
Jeremy came to visit again and it makes me sad. He loves me so much but I'm holding out for someone else. I wish other girls realized how special he is. I wish he got out more.
Nothing seems more than just temporary. I feel like I'm not going to work at Days Inn for more than a few weeks before I find something better. People have worked there for 15 years. I can't imagine being a maid for that long. The chick who trained me had to point out that she learns faster than I since she's been doing this since she was 16. I was impressed. I'm pretty sure I have the highest education out of all of them. I'm the youngest. I'm not sure if I should feel sorry for them or envy them. They've made a career out of a minimum wage highschool job and they're okay with that. No one expects anything more out of them.
They pretty much have it made.
Or should I say, "maid."
So. I've lost all desire to smoke. The ladies at work are so trashy and toothless it makes me want to throw up.
Everything has that effect on me. Brain takes my sadness out on my stomach when I can't express myself. I wish I could cry. I haven't cried in ages. I know I would feel a lot better.
I got a package from Chelsea that cheered me up. I wish she would have sent me a package with herself or Josh in it, though. Missing them is making me ill. I'm so tired of not going to school and being around people. I thought summer would be a nice relaxation period but I'm even more worn out now.
I want to make out with a pretty girl or a cute boy.
Just once. Drunk or high. Just one semi-arousing encounter with an insignificant, yet attractive person would help me survive this surprisingly painful summer.
I wish to disappear for the next 2 months.
I finally cried. I thought it would make me feel better. I was listening to Rise Against for some godawful reason and I just broke down. Period is making me hormonal as hell. I almost had a panic attack at work but managed to distract myself long enough for it to pass. I hope I don't go nuts at work. That's all I need.
I'll follow your voice.
I wish hope was that easy. Hope might actually be nice at this point. I know the end of my loneliness is near. Why can't I meet someone? You'd think out of all the people in this town I could find one neat person to make me feel special.
Someone other than Jeremy.
Soooo conflicted about that.
I might as well go running back? I won't ever meet anyone who will worship me the way he did. No one will ever love me like that. No one will ever love me, period. That's becoming more and more obvious. Each day bares a constant reminder of how plain I am. I used to think I was special. I lack the strength to laugh at this irony.
Calder told me I looked significantly less fat than I did in college.
(takes moment to rock out to angsty song in towel)
I'd kill to be in love.
Did I just say that?
Ugh. I'm quite torn about this. I know where I stand on the issue. Love, bad. Casual sex, good. But... I'm remembering the mutlitude of furry feelings I got years ago when people said nice things to me. I miss feeling all shy and giddy. I miss relationships before sex.
Now my stomach seriously hurts. I'm going to pretend it's because I'm so nausiated by a previous statement.
Not having someone makes me want to cry.
I'm really getting upset with these opposing viewpoints. I finally know what people mean when they talk about their heart and brain disputing. I am actually experiencing this quarrel amongst my organs. I am so pissed right now. This nonsense must come to an end.
I miss him.
I miss my parents.
I miss being around intelligent people.
I was checking out post secret last night and I broke down. One of them had a bunch of smiley face notes that said "have a good day" and such. The secret read "I'm going to miss these when I move out this fall."
I choked. I leapt out of bed and started pacing around my room, I couldn't breathe. I grabbed my cigarettes and ran outside. The clouds were orange and contained a David Firth vibe. It suited me. I walked up and down the sidewalk until I threw up. I lit a cigarette and started bawling. My chest hurt so much, I was whimpering as I struggled for breath. I fell to my knees and screamed into my person.
Work was uneventful.
I want a boyfriend.
You know how this is going to turn out.
This post is not unlike all the others.
Just a new song.
I'm driving to Wilson on Wednesday. I can't take this.
Tonight was the first night in a long time that I've felt happy.
Lucas, Shannon, Jonny, Megan and I all sat on the back porch watching a fire and listening to music on Shannon's iDog or whatever. Shannon brought out sparklers for us all to play with. Jonny was pretending to be an air traffic director and Shannon was the plane.
Their being couples didn't even phase me. It didn't matter that I was singled out. It felt great to be around neat people, throwing back beers, smoking cigarettes, listening to crappy music. Laughing.
For once I didn't feel alone. I just kept stopping to think how great tonight turned out to be.
I saw a shooting star and wished for Josh.
I got on facebook just now and it has him freshly listed as "in a relationship."
My stomach is going nuts.
I give up.
I'm going to be okay.
Just you wait.
It will happen some day.
I'll change this state.
I can be cute sometimes.
Things are looking up for the time being. It may just be because I'm in Wilson and it feels good to be in a different place. Maybe I'm just trying really hard to make the best of things. I just hope this isn't temporary. I want to be happy. I just want to be happy.
I want to forget how I felt about him.
Everyone does this to me.
I like to think I'm a hard ass. I like to think I can control my feelings. In reality; I just react to heartache in a really fucked up manner.
I am not in control.
I do not have a firm hold on this situation.
Lately, I try to distract myself from acknowledging it. I could wallow in misery. I could sit around and cry and stuff my face. Instead I went out and took a million pictures of my hometown, sat by the lake for hours, chilled with my parents.
Felt my organs collapsing.
Is this healthy? Should I wallow? Every time this happened this year, I laid in bed for a week or two and tried to sleep away the pain. Then Chelsea would make me do something and then I'd meet someone to distract me until I'm over them. Then the new person would creep me out and I'd decide being single is okay.
He never creeped me out, though. He just found someone better.
Routine is out of whack.
Perhaps, instead of playing it off, I should let him know how much this hurts me. He should be aware of my feelings for him.
Or I can attempt to maintain the appearance of sanity.
I want to change everything about me. I've lost 10 pounds. I want to lose 50 more. I want my hair to be shiny and my skin to be clear and pale. I want to stand out and wear nifty clothes and everyone to want me.
Everyone should want to be around me all the time. I wonder how you go about obtaining such a status.
For once, I want to be the person people cry over.
Let's switch it up. Why doesn't anyone ever slit their wrists over me?
THis will not be as intelligent when I wake.
Lifting my arms is difficult. Why doesn't he want to talk to me? Other than the fact that he knows I want him oh so much and he's made this decision to persue some much more beautiful girl.
I'm not upset.
At least I'm not acting like it. I'm totally playing it off. I'm drinking away the pain.
Why do I always feel the urge to type lyrics to songs I'm listening to?
I just discovered a bug in my hair.
I'm listening to N*sync and it sounds pretty deep.
So all these kids were here and I'm so drunk and they're like, yeah we're leaving and I'm like can I come? and lucas was all no and I'm pissed but its okay because I'd just regret it in the morning.
I can't wait to read this tomorrow after work and be like, wow, douchebags.
Lying in your arms, so close together, didn't know just what I had.
Fucking n*sync, dude.
This song is about my life.
Today I was driving to work listening to "Fer Sure" by Medic Droid and I'm like, this is about me and Josh.
Am I over him yet?
I have to meet someone WAY better. And that will pretty much never happen.
I hate this shit.
"I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died; if I never loved, I never would have cried"
Fuck you, Simon and Garfunkel.
I'd kill to go back to that state of mind.
Oh so crazy. Lalalalala.
Please, Lord. Send me someone to spoon my troubles away.
I went on a walk last night. Sometimes I think pain increases creativity. This is all I came up with:
I know this town,
my way around.
The one small cost;
I am still lost.
This is Hays.
It's just a phase.
Be leaving soon,
the next blue moon.
I was sitting on a bench outside of the newspaper place and I wrote "This is where I try to meet people" on one of the bricks. I'm such a deep badass.
I deactivated my facebook account. I'm not even sure why. I guess I just want attention. I hung out with Jeremy today. He was wearing a cute sweater I picked out. I tried really hard to want him back but it didn't work. I'm getting over Josh.
This process is a pain in the ass. This happens a lot. He hit the worst. I saw where this was going. Logic and emotion weren't in agreement, though. He made my life topsy turvey. I got that term from Willy's Silly Glasses. GREAT BOOK. It's pretty much about my life.
I've never loved anyone the way I love Rivers Cuomo.
Work sucked today. I had 18 rooms as opposed to my usualy 11 or 12. I'm really sore. I made $320 this paycheck. Just enough to cover rent. I was so excited.
It's sad, really.
I work so I can make money to live in house. I make just enough to get by. Life is work. Work is life.
"My American dream is to have it a little bit better than my parents ever had it."
No such luck.