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Our lie comes to life when you're not around. Touch me over and over and tell me I'm not the best you ever had. I dare you. Why can't I forget you? Even when others lay their hands on me. I want your hate. I want your indifference. Fuck me. I wont blame you tonight. I won't fall in love tonight. Fuck me. Just be with me tonight. I want to feel tonight. Let me feel tonight. |
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I keep having dreams where I'm being raped. It makes my mornings frightening and kind of sick. I can't take a shower without accidentally tearing scabs off. Trying not to scratch at the burning, stinging sensation of the water pouring over the prolonged abrasions. I've had a cold since August. I've gained weight. Xu won't even sleep in the same room. Loneliness has become a disease. The symptoms make the cure more difficult to find. |
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I stayed home from school because I bleached my brain after all the madness. This has been such a slow process. I wish I could say I'm content. The loneliness comes in strange cycles. My thought processes make little sense. I've been on an endless search for a new boyfriend but I push potential candidates away over minor things. I'm making progress, I swear. I'm sure these things usually take time. Two months is a normal recovery period for something like this, right? I have to admit my life seems much easier now. I don't miss the fights. I don't miss his constant dishonesty. I'm glad my delusions have faded. My previous worries look like ants from up here. I'm glad I'm single. I have all the time in the world to finish things I've started. If my friends call me in the middle of the night inviting me to get high, I have little holding me back. I easily disregard reasons not to sleep with anyone who offers. I can lust over anyone and not feel compelled to confess or push the thoughts away. This life is less expensive, easier, less emotionally draining. Xu and I have all kinds of special moments. No expectations. No disappointments. No pain. My blue prints for a snugglebot are coming along nicely. Xu is enrolled in fighting lessons to combat the bad guys in my dreams. It's still not enough, though. I want exactly what I had, only with a better foundation. I suggested that Xu pick out his dad this time. He doesn't want anyone but Mommy*. *Or anyone else who give him food, nip and a piece of food in his fresh water. |
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I don't know what I did to cause everyone to give up on me. I've driven everyone away with every attempt to keep them close. Everyone I've ever cared about moved far away from me. Xanax calms the nerves but it won't bring my loved ones back. It won't retract my mistakes. It won't stop the tears. It won't keep me warm. I've caused so much. I've cost so much. This is clarity. My existence is meaningless. I'll wake up, go about my day, my mind too clouded to know I need to go. Vengeful slumber. Torturous depictions of the past. Fall calmly into another day. |
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Please be honest. Save me the disappointment. Tell me the truth so I can stop making a fool of myself. End your silence. End this all. Give it to me hard this time. End. |
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I smoke way too much these days. Time to sell. My uninsured brother broke his shoulder. My ex spent the evening trying to teach me the Korean alphabet. An old friend called to let me know that her life is still more exciting than mine. I'm still jonesing for someone severely out of my league. Old men dig me. Noises from the basement keep scaring me and Xu. These are some phrases I could go the rest of my life never hearing again: "Do you want to write my paper?" No, Megan. I don't want to write your fucking paper even though it is likely that the required length is fewer than three pages and your dumbass elementary education instructor probably doesn't expect decent grammar, spelling or sentence structure from someone who is going to be wiping snot off of kids' faces for a living.Though I am sure that I am fully capable of writing your paper, in addition to the numerous papers I plan on writing for m own classes, I will not since you are only asking because you lack the necessary mindset to create any possible conversation aside from your miniscule assignments. "You realize they don't use real meat, right?" I don't give a shit how fast-food establishments prepare food. I don't care if KFC deep fried a fucking rat or if there was a finger in your Subway sandwich. I am so tired of food related horror stories. Yeah, rats urinate on soda cans and inspectors at tomato sauce plants allow an unsettling sauce/maggot ratio but what the fuck else am I supposed to eat? I'm not going to grow my own goddamn corn and extract the oil myself so I can deep fry my home-grown potatoes. Aside from the horror stories, what's the deal with everything not being "real" meat? I don't care if my greasy cheeseburger is made out of cow or textured soy product. Soy is better for you anyway. Plus, buying meatlike products is fucking expensive. *See Morningstar* I don't understand why people feel it necessary to point out that eating fast food is bad. No one ever hassles me about my steady diet of ramen noodles but heaven forbid I mention buying bologna or a tv dinner. "They don't even use real meat." a) Yes they do. b) What fucking difference does it make if they don't? People really need to think about what they're saying before they go around spouting off random "facts" about food, which our government has a tendency to regulate from time to time. Most of the time people's "It's not meat" bullshit isn't worth the effort to say or type. If people think I'm actually going to change my lifestyle for their petty (and likely made-up) cause, they better have some fucking horrifying facts because I've eaten some pretty nasty shit in certain circumstances. It's going to take a lot more to convince me not to eat delicious fast-food. Stoners, health nuts, Megan, please shut the fuck up. You make Rachel unhappy and she should be sleeping. Not only are you wasting her time, but you're wasting the time of her reader(s). |
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Watch a fire during the panic. This shit is laced. Please hold me. Why can't I speak? I wish you thought I was pretty. We could go stare at a cow. Or we could fucking make out. Drowsy, drowsy, I lost control, over-corrected. The flashing lights, my reality. Please don't arrest me, sir. No problem. Run along then. Cardiac arrest. Cardiac seizure. I left my pipe and my heart at your house. Shan is cleaning. Shan is not happy. Time to get out of bed. |
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Klonopin has trapped me into bliss. I know tomorrow I will have to come down. I missed two days. Time is moving faster than I am. How to buy more time. Relaxation has a price. I'm at a loss. I wish I could ask questions but it's too late. I must screw this up on my own. Why is this so difficult? |
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I've been losing long tracks of time since I started hanging out with Keli. Blame what you will. I have my scapegoats. I'm slightly reminded of the time that I first discovered sex. No one could contact me. People were always upset. I imagine this is probably a little more frightening. My entire break is almost over and I don't have a page written for class. This is how all my papers tend to go. This time I've been avoiding it in a different way. I have no idea when I finally went to bed but there is no excuse for waking at 4:30 pm. None. I feel like they're going to publish this blog as a cautionary tale like Go Ask Alice. These are probably my last days of madness. I wish I could pay someone to write this paper for me. I've always had trouble writing anything that doesn't pertain to drugs or sex. |
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We'll try our kiss again tonight. I caught you off guard. Let me rest in the thought of finishing what needs to be done. Tomorrow will be my reality check. I'm clean. I'm dressed. I'm ready to go. I just have to wait for you. I need your full attention. I can't wait for you to hold me. I won't eat. I don't want to counteract the current bliss in which I reside. I'm cold and wet. I should go to that reception. |