Broke My Heart in the Trailer Park

Jun 21st, 2008 6:58:50 am - Subscribe
Mood: whiny

Everyone does this to me.

I like to think I'm a hard ass. I like to think I can control my feelings. In reality; I just react to heartache in a really fucked up manner.

I am not in control.

I do not have a firm hold on this situation.

Lately, I try to distract myself from acknowledging it. I could wallow in misery. I could sit around and cry and stuff my face. Instead I went out and took a million pictures of my hometown, sat by the lake for hours, chilled with my parents.

Felt my organs collapsing.

Is this healthy? Should I wallow? Every time this happened this year, I laid in bed for a week or two and tried to sleep away the pain. Then Chelsea would make me do something and then I'd meet someone to distract me until I'm over them. Then the new person would creep me out and I'd decide being single is okay.

He never creeped me out, though. He just found someone better.

Routine is out of whack.

Perhaps, instead of playing it off, I should let him know how much this hurts me. He should be aware of my feelings for him.

Or I can attempt to maintain the appearance of sanity.

I want to change everything about me. I've lost 10 pounds. I want to lose 50 more. I want my hair to be shiny and my skin to be clear and pale. I want to stand out and wear nifty clothes and everyone to want me.

Everyone should want to be around me all the time. I wonder how you go about obtaining such a status.

For once, I want to be the person people cry over.

Let's switch it up. Why doesn't anyone ever slit their wrists over me?

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