Doin the Cockroach

Nov 10th, 2010 10:07:13 pm - Subscribe

I stayed home from school because I bleached my brain after all the madness.

This has been such a slow process. I wish I could say I'm content. The loneliness comes in strange cycles. My thought processes make little sense. I've been on an endless search for a new boyfriend but I push potential candidates away over minor things. I'm making progress, I swear. I'm sure these things usually take time. Two months is a normal recovery period for something like this, right?

I have to admit my life seems much easier now. I don't miss the fights. I don't miss his constant dishonesty. I'm glad my delusions have faded. My previous worries look like ants from up here. I'm glad I'm single. I have all the time in the world to finish things I've started. If my friends call me in the middle of the night inviting me to get high, I have little holding me back. I easily disregard reasons not to sleep with anyone who offers. I can lust over anyone and not feel compelled to confess or push the thoughts away.

This life is less expensive, easier, less emotionally draining. Xu and I have all kinds of special moments.

No expectations.
No disappointments.
No pain.

My blue prints for a snugglebot are coming along nicely. Xu is enrolled in fighting lessons to combat the bad guys in my dreams.

It's still not enough, though.

I want exactly what I had, only with a better foundation.

I suggested that Xu pick out his dad this time. He doesn't want anyone but Mommy*.


*Or anyone else who give him food, nip and a piece of food in his fresh water.

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