Drag me across the floor.

May 18th, 2008 5:40:29 am - Subscribe
Mood: infatuated

I'm falling for..rrr.... I hate me.

I'm going to a dance party in a bit.

Sober.

My mind is on one who won't be there. I'm not even anticipating making out with a million people. Maybe a girl or two. Bryce doesn't even seem that great right now...at all. Why is this happening? I'm falling for him. I think I might be willing to take that horrid gamble. I actually want to wait for him.

The whole summer.

I was actually jealous when he told me he was going to hook up with a guy.

Jealousy is not my thing. Unless it's Bryce and Chelsea. Then I get jealous. Jealous as hell. But that was different.

I called dibs.

But this is new. Monogomy makes sense now? It shouldn't. It never does with me. Especially since we never agreed to date exclusively.

I just like him a lot.
I miss him too.
I keep thinking about him.
I hate this.

I can't let him feel the same. He has to hurt me. Or perhaps at this point I can hurt him?

Not likely.

Maybe I can act really psycho when he comes to visit in a few weeks. Then it will push him away. I'll be sad for a while, then I'll find someone else to drunkenly violate me to feel alive for a while, only to be repulsed by all men for the following week. Low maintenance atw.

Or maybe I'll just hold him really close and touch his hair.

I always do the opposite of what I decide is best.

Frequent drunken no-strings-attached sex>monogamous stringy relationship with fuzzy feely shit.

Former=confusion and temp happiness.
Latter=hurty ouchiness.

I just don't want to get all mushy around him. I don't want to tell him how I feel when he's away, or how often he crosses my mind or even how insanely attractive I find him. I don't want to feel compelled to inform him of such nonsense.

Mushy causes problems.

But he makes me mushy....

Be a hardass, Evie. Stand your ground. Don't let him do this to you.
Grampa, you're insane.
Shut up, Rachel.
I'm Ramses.

Shit, now I'm doing it in my blog too.

I think as long as I don't tell him I love him or let myself think I love him or let him think he loves me or let him tell me he loves me, we'll be fine.

I want to love him.

NOOO!

My room is a mess. Clean. Dance party. Make out with girls. Don't think about Josh. Don't love Josh. Masty. Sleep.

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