Epidermis

Jun 5th, 2009 10:31:18 am - Subscribe
Mood: abandoned

One more night Jeremy talked me into sleep. I woke with minimal nightmares. Perhaps this will not be as challenging as I had anticipated. Perhaps I really can do better.

Better=alone.

I decided I don't even need Emporia. As long as we end it now there will be no need for such events. I see now that he is no longer willing to take that extra step for me, he never was serious about marrying me. Why should I care what he does with his life or his child? It is he who shut me out. He is no longer a part of my life. He is only a blip in this unusual life of mine. He is only another boy who forced me out of my numb state, tortured me while I was vulnerable, then turned me down when I offered to stick around.

He is no better than Josh Neusome. I have been raped and rejected once again.

But I can handle it this time. I won't cry this time. I know now that it's not my fault. I did everything I could. He's the one under the delusion that I could never possibly love a child that is not mine. Or perhaps that I shouldn't love a child that isn't mine. That stepparents are accurately portrayed in fairy tales. Evil monsters who only want title and fortune. It his he who believes the mother and the father should put their happiness on hold as they fight in front of their child because it's better for the kid than being separated. That he doesn't deserve me because he screwed up and I don't deserve him because I'm not willing to let him move in with another girl. That I don't deserve to help the love of my life take care of his child because it didn't fall out of my vagina.

Ev, it's so much more complicated than that.

I know dear, you slept with someone who doesn't want you to be with me and if you're not strong enough to stand up for the me then you probably don't love me as much as you say you do.

I don't need to move. It's all perfectly clear. He is just another person in this town who doesn't love me. It's just going to take a while to stop loving him.

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