I'm terrified. Scared absolutely shitless. But it seems like Spence and I are making an honest go of things. It's just building that trust, and finding each other, now that we're on slightly different tracks.

It's amazing, we've spent more quality time together in the past week, then the whole last month we were together. Maybe we did need this. I just hope he's not too scared to let himself maybe love me again one day.

I've been loads more optimistic, and hestitantly peachy. Even through the sickness.

The roommate situation is lovely. I love her without strings. All I hope is that this double boy conumdrum settles. Nell, your heart is too precious to hand out to just any bearded fool. I have a good feeling about this one, sometimes they just need a kick in the ass right?

I hope thats' all need.

Well, at least we'll be loved...
-

But don't worry it's a silent 'S'.

Why are all these stupid fuck boys all 'S' names. I'm short a Simon, Scott and a Skylar and I think I might've been persued by every 'S' name in the world.

All I want is simplicity. Contentment. It truly bothers me how dependent I've become on my phone lately. It's mostly healthy, but theres been a few moments where its' more than entirely self-destructive. Take Wednesday night for instance. I was so anxious to hear from you, that I literally made myself nauseated. I had to shut my phone off. OFF. And leave it at home so I wouldn't check it every thirty seconds.

Its' disgusting, and yet. I'm the only one doing to me. No one is even forcing this upon me. Just my snakey self pulling the rug out from under my dainty digits.

I watch myself banging my head into the wall repeatedly, brain matter washing down the white facade... And what am I getting out of this except a vicious headache?
Nothing.

But, maybe...

(The real answer here is nothing)
But...

-

I hate how disorganized I've become.

I need to motivate myself. Holy shit. I am on my way to Las Vegas in a few short weeks to party like a rockstar. I'm planning a haphazard March roadtrip for a weekend. I need my muffler to get fixed so I don't kill myself with CO2 poisoning while driving.

I need to finish moving my shit out of the Hellhole, and into the ghetto. Nellus and I are roommates like nekkid lezzies only dream of. Well...
When we're both home that is.

The Shaun situation is questionable. The Spencer situation is even more so. My upstairs neighbor is cute. And boys are making my life complicated.

I just want a boy that I like. To watch movies with. To snuggle on cold mornings. To enjoy butter chicken and silly dancing on my living room floor.

On who will bring me a single daisy for Valentine's Day, but not for that reason. But instead... just because.

One who doesn't only think of sex, and understands that it will come with time. That right now... It's just sort of...

Not in the cards.

I really only want things that are frivolous and yet meaningful.

I want to have a boy over for tea. To discuss the finer side of civil unrest.

I want...
-

Feigned indifference.



Promotions, and soon I will be a hot jetsetter. I am. Confused.

This Christmas has been pleasent, thus far. I mean, I have managed to avoid the unending stress that this season always manages to fill me with, for the most part anyhow. I am still awesomely poor, but somehow my bills always get paid on time. My fridge always has food in it, my car has gas in its tank, and somehow I am affording three trips in the next three months.

I still don't feel like its, enough? No. I don't know. Something is missing. It feels like something isn't right, and I just can't put my finger on it. But every happy moment, something is missing, even the shittiest moments aren't truly awful.

I'm just indifferent. I could care less for the most part.

I think what I need, is to vanish and start fresh.

Poor life choice Andrea. Perhaps you shouldn't be such a child and run away from everything...
-

It makes me cry.


I've been listening to The Beatles all morning. It's nearly all-encompassing. I feel overwhelmed today. I feel like not enough today. I feel.

I want to sleep for weeks, eat for days, and cry until my eyes ooze from my face. This irrational depressive state is starting to wear at my nerves. As if it is any sort of positive for me.

I would prefer to go home, instead of moping at work. I could finish my book. I could have a nap. I could...

Well. Really. The possibilities are nearly unending.

Remember, Remember the fifth of November.
The gunpowder, treason and plot.
I see no reason why gunpowder, treason
should ever be forgot...
Remembrance Day soon approaches. I wonder about how the world has changed so drastically for us. How there is no forcible enlistment. No sad war-torn families. No weeping widows, commonly on the corners.

And yet. And yet.

Sadness is perpetual. At least at times of war, there is hope. And a nation pulls together...

What do we have now. Besides Fat, Consumeristic Complacency?

Depression.
-

That's how I fucking feel.

Meeting here at 7:15, but you also have cover this shift at the centre until lunch time, but I'm going to need you to stop and get these picked up form the copier on the westend before noon, and be to the presentation by 12:20. Did I mention that your coworker called in sick and you have to do it by yourself?

I am streched. I also have three classes during the week, Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday. I'm going to the gym, and I still manage to spend time with the family. I am multi-tasking.

Sure I don't see my man much right now. He's working later than I am, and all we have energy to do is to go to bed when it's all said and done.

But everything will balance right? I don't remember ever being this constantly busy. Training soon, Montreal again. Then again in the spring.

I just want some sweet sweet lovin'. A free latte every once in awhile. Traffic to not be a bitch first thing in the morning.

And above all...

One quiet fucking night.
-

My sister got engaged.
Yup.


I am thrilled for her, though at the same time can't help but wonder...

WHY MUST I ENDURE ALL THIS FUCKING WEDDING TALK?

What sort of satan tortures like this?
The fucking worst kind.
That's what.


If they get married in Europe, I don't think I can go. I can't afford that.

Not with the current price of a Latte.
-

Despite how well we sell ourselves, our program; something always leads to another. Can you be here, at this time? Can you cover this persons' slack, can you pull your priorities here, and make time for this appointment?

Multitasking never was a strong suit of mine, but then again, neither was saying no. So, I suppose that would be why I am in the predicament that I am in currently.

Self inflicted, as always. Overwhelmed and loving it, Hating commuter traffic and all those lovely things like cyclists, pedestrians and gas prices that make the drive home that much more sweaty and loverly.

Andrea, you cannot save them all, no matter how many appointments you make, and extra shifts you pull. Save yourself instead.

That would be the best advice I could give myself, if only I wasn't so stubborn to pay attention.

Hey.

The big people are talking, and you need to focus.
Take notes.
Do whatever you need to do, to understand.

The new twist in my job has me extraordinarily busy, and is killing my slacker tendancies. The divorce that is murdering my brother is draining me emotionally, and I wish he'd just come stay with me until it was all over. And I move into our house in twelve days, you'd never know though because I have yet to pack a single fucking box. I am exhausted, and exhilerated all at once. Spelling mistakes are an added bonus.
You can have those,
for free...

-

I must be an adult.

I have a parking pass for downtown - man, I am a high-roller.


Like the fucking Bill Gates of the non-profit world.

-

OMFG.

Yeah, that's right. I have reverted to disgusting webspeak because I am that excited.

I bought my car. And I have the job.
I am the proud owner of a VW Jetta. It's pretty and has a sunroof and stuff.
Not to mention the wheels factor.

I will post pictures of my hideous beast as soon as I can.
But just for the record...
...I love my car.

Yeah.
Just saying.

You know, in case you were wondering.
-

Did you read Alice in Wonderland growing up?

Familiar with the tale?

I feel like I need an adventure, a trip through the looking glass.

It doesn't even have to be a grand trip, I just need some incentive to get my ass in gear.

Any takers?
-

A Monster Inside.

A song to be played in B flat.
---
Hold my hand, in other words,
Baby, kiss me.

I tell myself day in, and day out,
That I mean nothing (am nothing, am nothing)
But I think it's a lie (why deary)
I feed it to myself morning, noon and twilight
It keeps the self esteem, at bay (miles away)

But this morning something changed
Charlie Brown dance party in my head (turn out the lights)
Hopeful thoughts (put the pedal to the floor, baby)
Misdemeanors and miscreants of my past
(floating like dusty ghosts from shelves I've never seen)

I pack my things up daily (unpack, repack)
Place them delicately in the centre of the room and watch
then wipe away all traces of my touch (fingerprints and empty rows)
and again put my memories on their respective shelves

Day in day out.
Somethings missing.
I saw you again, and then had nightmares.
Is it because I miss you.
Is it regret, I suppose I'm too stupid to ever know, (night windows gleam)
Too stupid and jealous.

Always, always, hallways, always.
---

I'm sorry for everything. Not that you'll ever know, I'm far too stubborn to admit I'm wrong.

But you should already know that in your heart.

Right?
-

Umm... I'd like to say that in a Jr.High, Sr. High setting...
...It's likely not a great idea to leave glaring gay porn on the table in the lunch room.

Especially with Bill 44 being passed.

But mostly in general.

---

What a way to end a Friday afternoon. Nothing says have a great weekend like...
A photo of a man going down on another man.
Or a photo of a rather large penis.

Umm... I'm pretty sure that even Pride Week isn't a good defense for that arguement.
Good thing its Michael's fight not mine.
Because I'm sure I'll still be laughing when Monday rolls around.

Those poor Sudanese ESL students.
Nothing says Welcome to Canada like a huge schlong.

---

Fuck, I'm not productive.
I haven't done a stick of work today. I simply have no drive to be here. Stupid making up of hours. Stupid mandatory staff BBQs, and silly creme based coffee drinks that make my stomach angry. Summer must be here.
Our intern is gone, her last day was today.
She was so happy and crazy positive.
I'll miss her.

She must be older than me, but she seems so little.
Naive.
Untainted, and not bitter.

*jealous*


Big picnic this weekend! not necessarily excited, but sorta.

(PS- I'm starting in two weeks at the hospital! Resident baby-hugger! Talk about an awesome way to spend Saturdays!)
-

I should put pants on.

And stop daydreaming.
Life is about accomplishments.
Not dreams.

I freezing in my own home. Why is the weather trying to convice me to turn the heat back on? Why is it I have no real desire to do anything or go anywhere? I'm still half dressed. It's nearly two in the afternoon.

I blame my lack of drive on the bleak weather.

Aisling, Emmeline, Adele, Siofra, Aedan, Addison, Bell, Emmy, Andrea?

Which will I be today?
-

My music is too loud, and my feet too cold.
I have never been happier.
<3
-

My insides are beginning to swell, and cause my becoming mildly uncomfortable.

I don't know if camping will fare this weekend, it's supposed to snow, and rain and generally be miserable.

I've found myself picking fights with people, more specifically those I surround myself with. Or maybe I'm not, perhaps things are just naturally tense. It's hard to tell through the miserable cold weather.

As a plus, I am going to look at a car, that I'm confident I will buy. It will make attending to appointments much easier, if nothing else.

It's a slum-y car. The kind you drive into the ground.

A four door. With clean uphostery.
What more could a girl ask for?

----

I feel unwelcomed. I feel distressed. I feel...
I feel taken for granted.

I tire of being a good sport.
-

Today my cat got hit by a car.
He, my sexy cat, is right now lying at the vet's in a cold metal cage, sedated.

I've been a nauseous mess all day.

I made it in to work today though... I'm not sure why I bothered.

I walked in the door and proceeded to get in shit. Ummm....
I let you know that I was going to be late. I did not ask for my cat to run down and need nearly $1000 worth of medical care.
You cold heartless bitch.

Don't even ask how my cat is...

I'm sorry you missed your doctor's appointment, I did not make that choice for you. You could have called for coverage. I am not the be all nor end all.

---

Meek should be okay. I hope. I'm off, I need to pick him up.

-

Do you want children?

Do you intend to put a large down payment on your future house?

How do you feel about discipline? Spanking? Grounding?

---

What an odd ideal.


I feel like empty. If you were to cut me open, you'd see too. You'd see that I've clean house and made all sorts of extra space inside of me.

But until that space is filled...
...
...I just feel hollow.

Or hallow.
One of the two.
-