Monday heralds in December. We have no snow, I have no tree ornaments, and still need to pay rent.

I am, simply put, tapped.

I wish that I suddenly had money to actually spend on people this year for gifts. But truth is, I'm beat.

I have not a clue in my pretty little head of what I should get Spencer for Christmas.

I want to eat some Alphaghetti I think, the Scooby Doo stuff.
Maybe that will make our bleak winter seem more personable, and allow me to put on some clothes, possibly even get some things done.




I want an address book for Christmas.
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I sit in my office, and stare out, past the blinking Christmas lights, and ratty old garland.

I look at my calendar, the one with the bright pink post it tab to indicate the date, the one I spend a lot of time staring at.

I look and see that hag Pearl is hovering around my office again...
..Steal my tape...

I was thinking that a semblance of an update would be nice...

What is new in my life?
I moved out from the tyranny of my parents house.

I have a new job for the YMCA, well, newerish, since September... It's pretty fantastic.

I'm going to be an Auntie soon...

My man is gone for three weeks... and I've suffered through half of that already...

My trellis dwelling Nellus and I are set to imbibe and watch some sappy happy chick-flicks.

I flip from personable to miserable without even getting the memo. I feel bad for my co-workers... I'm a little unhinged. I would like to think it's just me being lonely, but I think its a little more specific.
I am tired of taking my shit out on the people who don't deserve it.

-shrug-
I want it all.
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Thus ends my night of randomness.

you are the best thing that life could have given me

I spent the day reliving eighth grade social studies. The Prince reread, and reinterpreted for the mind of a thirteen year old.

Turned down a pubcrawl, which ended in a face full of pepper spray for my inviter... and a an endearing nickname earned...
Right two-face?

My brother showing up on my doorstep, locked out of mom and dad's place because he had snuck out to see his girlfriend...

The decision to dress like a bar-star to simply walk to McDonald's for a happy meal. Ending in cat walking down the sidewalk in the cold night air.

And now you ask? Beside the numbing empty hole that is gaping in my heart... I'm doing alright. A heap of Snap Peas later, and curling up to watch The Goonies.

I miss my man.
It's not the absence that is hard on me.
It the not knowing...

...The not know that's hard.

Time to wipe off my impromptu raccoon eyes, and my ruby mouth, and tumble haphazardly into the realm of dreaming.
The last place that lies serenely.
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Andrea's all growed up.


Look at the big girl tumble down the street, happily kicking up clouds of dust in her wake. She leaves friendship strewn in the dirt, and all she sees is endless possibilities ahead.

I'm actually excited about Christmas this year.

Me, the Christmas cynic....
{{{{Insert shopping break}}}}

Ok, back. Christmas gift wrap and bows, and baubles later...

My life is not nearly as interesting as it used to be. Or perhaps, I just have grown up and don't use fancy words, and symbolism to try to appear niftier than I actually am.
-shrugs-
Who knows?

Happiness is contagious, thus is why I love my job.
I've been having dreams about you lately,
ones where you and I are friends again,
and you understand,
and I bash the bitch's face in.

But I suppose such sentiments belong in the wonderlust of dreams.
-

By nature.
From nature.

I don't know what to say.
I'm speechless.
It's uncanny, that after all these years of talking obsessively about nothing, that I have nothing to say.

I can't even shed a tear for you. Not with how this worked out. You can't even imagine.

- - -

So birthdays come, and school starts, and new shoes wear out.

But are we still the same? Do we change at all or does capitalism force us to think that way?

I'm so hungry I can't even ramble some sense out...
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SSSTTAAAAAARR!

I'm mopey. I'm happy. I'm disinterested.
I don't know what I am.
Andrea.

Lately, I find that I have secluded myself from friends and family. It was lonely, but now...
Now its cumbersome.

Start new work soon, this year will be my definitive. I will finally have the time to see what I really want. If it includes Edmonton, if it includes more school, if it even includes my friends and family.

I find my nature purely parasitic, and because of it, I feel I have ruined many friendships, and many opportunities. I will not do this any more.

I desire the old Andrea. The Andrea who dressed like a hobo, and didn't try to come across as sophisticated and mature by trying to dress the part...
Who still nerded up comic book stores, and read books for FUN, and didn't try to sound pointed and witty while discussing the finer points of Klimt and Titian's artistic careers.

I keep pretending to be someone, hoping that's who I'll end up being.

~~~

When will I just learn to be me, and leave the acting to the primadonnas....
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