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d8mtr The Unnamed Yearning - Subscribe
I feel like
I will spend my entire life
With this yearning
Searching for this thing
This feeling I cannot name
And never finding it
Even as I take my last breath
Perhaps, it is a lost love or,
a home that never was
Or a God I abandoned
I don't know what it is
Or if I am ever destined to find it.
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Mood: somber

d8mtr untitled Feb 25th, 2018 10:38:57 am - Subscribe
The happier I pretend to be on the outside
the sadder I am on the inside.
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Mood: miserable

d8mtr chronic pain syndrome Jan 23rd, 2018 7:27:42 am - Subscribe
It is like there is this pain lodged in my chest that I cannot budge no matter how hard I push.
I am so tired of trying and trying without any result.
Everything in my life is exactly the same it was years ago. Every word, every comma of this story feels the same. I don't feel the pain as intensely as in those years but it is more like a chronic pain, a constant dull ache that won't recede, I want to unfeel it. But I don't know how to erase this stain off my mind.
Will I forever feel this way? Swimming against the tide and never finding a shore? Will there ever be any light? Even a tiny sparkle of a firefly would do. I don't want much, I never needed much but still it feels my whole life has only ever taken from me more and more. I am tired of the emptiness, of the holes in me. Please no more, life.
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Mood: moodless

d8mtr grief and Phoenix Jan 18th, 2018 12:24:31 pm - Subscribe
Let it out.
all the pain you keep hiding
all the grief you keep holding inside
it's okay
if the grief claws out of you
just remember
even if feels forever
even if it feels infinite
even if it feels too much
it will pass
you have hit lower before
and you had risen like a phoenix then
you will soon again.
I promise.
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Mood: blasphemous

d8mtr Half way Dec 17th, 2017 11:33:37 am - Subscribe
"If you can't change something, then you should change your reaction to it."-Unknown

I have been trying to change myself. How I behave around him. It is not easy but baby steps.

Few days back, I read this book The Girl on The Train, it was a book about this woman Rachel, who was distraught, depressed, bitter, after her husband left her for someone else. I realized once I was Rachel for someone too. Only once but sometimes once is enough to ruin you forever. Ever since then I vowed I'd never be a Rachel. No man, no human would have that much power over me.

Sometimes I feel almost changed, but sometimes my doubts, insecurities will still resurface. It's especially hard on the days I do see him. It doesn't happen immediately, but over time builds up and crashes all over me. In those times, I tell myself, I won't be a Rachel or who I used to be. What bothers me most is the feeling of something unresolved. If I don't think of him, spend time with him, I will still see him in my dreams and I hate my subconscious for it. I feel I'll not have closure because of this unresolved thing, because I never told him how I feel so I wish these feelings would just begone and never resurface or make my heart twitch for something I can never have.

In my heart, I know, I am absolutely sure this is for the best, and perhaps this is the only thing that has held me together all this time, our worlds, minds are poles apart. We would have been a disaster together. I try to not think of a utopian world where it wasn't so. But it is what it is and I have come to accept that. May be not fully yet, but I am half way there.


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Mood: reluctant

d8mtr I am fine Nov 22nd, 2017 10:10:39 am - Subscribe
You ask me what is wrong.
I imagine blurting out the truth to you
and see its aftermath wreak havoc in both of our worlds, and lives.
So I gulp down the words that I know once spoken I cannot take back, that I know would make you wish I had never uttered and I lock them away in my heart and say to you, "Nothing. I am fine."
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Mood: glum

d8mtr Chemical Reset Jul 12th, 2017 10:27:26 pm - Subscribe
These days I feel so low, I feel as if someone has reset my brain structure and chemical balance.
Everything I had become since J left, this heartbreak has undone it all. I am back to my crazy self.
I hate the chemical structure of my brain. I hate how sensitive I am. I hate my empathy. I hate my strong conscience. I hate how repressive I have become over the course of my life. I hate my self worth that if it comes to ending me in order to protect someone I will always make the sacrifice. And mostly I hate this fucked up, cruel, cold world that feels so indifferent to my lifelong struggle to be myself, for making me feel I don't belong here. I will never belong here. I cannot survive here.
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Mood: intoxicated

d8mtr Happy People Jul 12th, 2017 10:20:50 pm - Subscribe
All around me I see heartbroken people, stressed people, always struggling with one thing or another. Is there any happy people in this world? I wonder, where they are.
May be there are no happy people but only happy moments in our lives and we have to make the best of it.
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Mood: twitterpated

d8mtr Changes Jun 26th, 2017 6:16:29 am - Subscribe
Remember when festivals actually used to be fun, and something you used to look forward to?
Well not anymore. Everything is the same except time. Boy does it change things. I hate festivals aka social gatherings. I would rather be on my own than in a room full of wrong people and lately that seems to be the norm everywhere I go. May be mom is right when she says I am a misfit in this world. And guess what? it doesn't even bother me anymore. I don't know how the change in my brain happened. Before in my life I used to think it's all my fault somehow but lately I don't do that anymore. I used to be all like "I ruin everything I love/touch" but now it's changed to "people ruin things" so I'd rather be on my own. I don't pretend. I don't demand. I don't give people false hopes. I don't fake life/feelings/anything. I try to be kind. I try to be polite. I try to forgive. I go out of my way for people who don't even deserve it. So yeah not my problem. I don't know if this new found change in me is healthy or another unhealthy coping mechanism I have developed. /endofrant
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d8mtr Go away Jun 16th, 2017 10:49:07 am - Subscribe
I can't dream of you
I can't wait for you
I can't have you on my mind
I can't be in love with you
I can't feel this way for you
I can't feel anything for you
Please just go away.
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Mood: ignored

d8mtr Twice Mar 25th, 2016 12:36:28 am - Subscribe
I wish you were here..I wish I could remember what I felt for you..what I felt after you left vividly so I don't make the same mistake twice. But I am afraid my heart has already committed that mistake, even after all my efforts to keep it safe. I didn't expect someone like him to come into my life and unravel me as easily as that.
This feeling of falling in love..of this rush of euphoria, it is also so familiar to me. I am terrified of love more than of death.
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femmeemo Where else do you even put it? Mar 21st, 2016 6:19:37 pm - Subscribe
It's been well over a year I think since I've put anything on here. I hurt today. I've hurt for months and selfishly feel like I can't put it anywhere. So I'll dig in the backyard, dig up that box with the dust covered key and unlock this old place. This place that is always here; and untouched. Just my own worn out shoe prints leading to and from this pages to guide me.

My brother was arrested yesterday.

My baby brother. He was arrested twice before this; but this time is different. This time I don't get to see him anymore. This time he'll serve time. Probably a long time.

I hurt.
I carry misplaced guilt. Selfishly.
But.

There. I've put it somewhere. So maybe it won't feel so heavy.
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Mood: -
current mood: nothing

d8mtr The story of a heart Mar 9th, 2016 7:11:27 pm - Subscribe
Would you hold her heart in the palm of your hands and not let it break?
Would you take care of it as if it was the most precious gem of the world you found?
Would you look after it for the rest of your life so the light of her heart never went out?

Or would you be like the rest before you who got bored of it after a while and neglected it, until it stopped shining and grew cold like a stone?
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d8mtr storm Mar 9th, 2016 6:59:45 pm - Subscribe
My heart is a storm that I cannot calm down.
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d8mtr The Girl Who Lived Jan 28th, 2016 11:48:38 pm - Subscribe
At the end of my life
I may not be someone famous
Or someone filthy rich
I may not be anyone to the world
But I was someone
Someone who loved
Many
With everything she had
I was someone who fought
Everyday
Either with herself
Or the entire world
Just to be myself
Without giving up
At the end of my life
I may not be anyone
Worth recognition
But I was someone
Who loved
Who fought
To the fullest
Just to live.
There is peace
in knowing I had lived
before I died.



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Mood: reserved

d8mtr Butterflies Jan 14th, 2016 10:00:04 am - Subscribe
"You are still on the outside
but you are restless on the inside."He spoke to her in a language that left her tongue tied.

She wrapped herself up in such a way from the rest of the world so no one could get to know her well enough to hurt her, yet he seemed to notice her, know her, get her, dissect her in ways no one else could.

She wondered if he also knew how much of the restlessness in her was attributed to his presence. She wondered if he could guess that at all.
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d8mtr Incompleteness Dec 24th, 2015 10:39:36 pm - Subscribe
I can stand loneliness, it barely moves me. But incompleteness, that is a whole different story. It keeps pushing against the walls of my heart until it stretches and explodes in all the repressed longings, blurred memories and dreams that will never be real, experiences I will never get to live. I can stand loneliness but not incompleteness.
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d8mtr Before and After Dec 13th, 2015 7:12:28 am - Subscribe
I have loved
before
and after
you
but none
the way
I loved you
I wanted it
to be you
so badly
to be my
"Always"
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Mood: ugly

d8mtr Give Me Thunderstorm Nov 8th, 2015 10:41:19 am - Subscribe
Rain?
I don't want rain
I want thunderstorm
I want hails
I want to hear
The roar of thunders
Reverberating through the sky
I want to see the sky
Tear apart
Explode in fireworks
Out of lightning bolts
I don't care for the rain
I want thunderstorm
I want to see the world
In all its glorious darkness
The very darkness
That I am made of.
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d8mtr Unquiet Nov 5th, 2015 9:50:53 pm - Subscribe
Be still
You restless bird
Why would you
fly to that field
over and over again
hoping to find something
new
to see if a flower
has bloomed or two
to the same place
where there is a field
but of abyss
you will not find
your nest there
you will only
hurt your wings
still you keep
revisiting the place
of your ruins
why don't you ever learn
anything?
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Mood: spirited

d8mtr Passers By Oct 24th, 2015 4:00:25 am - Subscribe
Sometimes
Perhaps once in a decade
Life introduces you
To someone who shines
As bright as the sun
You can't help but be touched
By their light
And when you're touched by them
You can't but help
Be molded into kinder, better human beings
And you wish more than anything
To keep that light in your sight
But you can't keep them forever
For they are from a different world
A different galaxy
Just passing by yours
Illuminating your life
Only for a short while
But the good thing is
Even after they're long gone
You get to keep their light
Shining in your heart
For as long as it beats.
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d8mtr Eleutheromania Oct 22nd, 2015 10:34:35 pm - Subscribe
She longed to be set free
From what you may wonder
There is nothing binding her
You don't see the shackles
She is imprisoned by
Look at her wrists closely
And you will see
The marks left upon them
From struggling to break free
She wants to cut all the strings
That binds her here
And fly away
To a place she can finally belong
You see perhaps her soul
Wasn't meant for this earth
She had such a delicate soul
It couldn't bear this world
She felt too much
It was constantly chaos in her heart
All the feelings vying for her attention
She wanted freedom from those too
She was bound by the world
And she was bound by her heart
When all she wanted was be unbound
So she could finally be herself
And don't think for a second
She wasn't brave enough
To try and be herself
For every time she tried
It was either the world
Or her own heart
That would tear her apart.
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d8mtr Symbiosis Oct 12th, 2015 10:47:34 am - Subscribe
I no longer fear pain
I no longer suffer from it
I live with it
We have a symbiotic relationship.

I no longer run away from pain
I no longer try to kill it
I embrace it
With an open heart
Every time I drown in it.

And in between pain
There is still life
Or what little is
Left of it.

But even then
I long to know
Some other emotion
As intimately
As I know this pain.

But I suppose
You only get to know
One emotion at a lifetime.
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d8mtr ... Oct 8th, 2015 11:37:41 pm - Subscribe
To live your entire life knowing you will never find the one thing you have searched for your entire life, the thing you wanted more than life itself- that's hell.
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d8mtr Perfect Universe Oct 8th, 2015 10:05:32 am - Subscribe
In a perfect universe
It would have been us.
It should have been us.
I know it in my heart
As a religious man
Knows the scripture
In his holy book.
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Mood: confuzzled

d8mtr Unfinished stories and Roads Not Traveled Oct 5th, 2015 8:34:29 am - Subscribe
All the stories
That began with so much hope
That gave birth to so many dreams
That once filled my heart
with so much joy and love
All of the memories
Stuck in those stories
How can they not break my heart?
How can I not weep?
When they come to an end
so abruptly
Without any closure
Without any ending
And I still have to turn the next page
Because life demands to move on
I can look back all that I want
With all the regret
With all the wistfulness
of never knowing
what would have become
of those stories
Could something beautiful
Be born out of those abandoned stories?
All the roads not taken
Would they have led me
To somewhere beautiful
A place I could finally call home?
What if I took the wrong road
instead of the right one?
Only time will tell
And that is what scares me
For there is nothing worse
Than looking back
And knowing that
I was wrong
I just don't want to have any regrets
I just don't want to miss out anything




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Mood: wistful

d8mtr Real or Not Real Sep 25th, 2015 11:11:52 am - Subscribe
Did we actually meet
In this life?
All the moments we spent
All the love we felt
Was it really in this life?
Or was it in another lifetime?
I can't tell anymore
Was us ever real?
Or did I just make it all up
In my head?
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d8mtr Rain rain go away... Sep 20th, 2015 9:53:48 am - Subscribe
Missing you comes in different shades. Someday I feel it just beyond the surface and I can get through life fairly well pretending there is nothing missing in my life and some day I can barely hold it together. Today is one of those days when missing you hits really hard so hard that it knocks the wind out of my lungs and I am left gasping for air to breathe. It doesn't matter where I am or who I am with just one moment is all it takes to unravel my composure of pretense.

It happened today while I was in my office, almost alone except for one other person the one who I thought looked exactly like you the first time I saw him and it was raining not the slow drizzle kind of rain, but the cats and dogs kind of rain. It was while I was watching that rain through my window, my back facing towards him as the nostalgia hit me- of all the rains that have been a witness to you and I. Suddenly the rain seemed different, as if it no longer fell the same way or made the same sound when it hit on something, as if even the rain was sad in my sadness that I'd never witness another rainfall with you. And it also hit me no matter how many people I meet in my life, there will never be another you. So many people come and go in our lives but there will never be another road in my life where I will meet you even by chance. The permanence of the word never hit me like an avalanche and suddenly, the word never tastes like the saddest word in existence.

Why does it not get better? Why does it not stop hurting after all these years? I still feel the pain on my soul as if they were rain, not the slow drizzle kind, the sharp, fiery ones along with gust of wind that pricks your skin every time they hit you..that's what your absence feels like on my soul every moment I am without you.
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d8mtr It takes courage to be happy Sep 16th, 2015 12:30:09 pm - Subscribe
Sometimes you have been through so much pain and suffering in life that you get used to it, and when happiness finally knocks at your door, you are scared even at the chance of happiness because you know once you are happy it can be taken from you and you don't know how long will it take you again to get used to the same pain and suffering that you have known all your life so well and so you don't, you don't take a chance and go on with the only feeling you are familiar with and shut the door to happiness. Indeed, how sad some of us human beings are- those who have been hurt so much that you cannot even dare to hope for a chance to be happy.
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d8mtr Patterns Sep 9th, 2015 11:53:02 am - Subscribe
What is the point in starting a new story
When you know it will end the same way?
Half way..in the middle..unfinished
What is the point in starting another tragedy
When you have been played by the hands of God so many times before?
Why would you believe this time it will be any more different than the other times?
Why set yourself up for another heartbreak?
Esp when you haven't even gotten over the last one?
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