My insides are beginning to swell, and cause my becoming mildly uncomfortable.

I don't know if camping will fare this weekend, it's supposed to snow, and rain and generally be miserable.

I've found myself picking fights with people, more specifically those I surround myself with. Or maybe I'm not, perhaps things are just naturally tense. It's hard to tell through the miserable cold weather.

As a plus, I am going to look at a car, that I'm confident I will buy. It will make attending to appointments much easier, if nothing else.

It's a slum-y car. The kind you drive into the ground.

A four door. With clean uphostery.
What more could a girl ask for?

----

I feel unwelcomed. I feel distressed. I feel...
I feel taken for granted.

I tire of being a good sport.
-

Today my cat got hit by a car.
He, my sexy cat, is right now lying at the vet's in a cold metal cage, sedated.

I've been a nauseous mess all day.

I made it in to work today though... I'm not sure why I bothered.

I walked in the door and proceeded to get in shit. Ummm....
I let you know that I was going to be late. I did not ask for my cat to run down and need nearly $1000 worth of medical care.
You cold heartless bitch.

Don't even ask how my cat is...

I'm sorry you missed your doctor's appointment, I did not make that choice for you. You could have called for coverage. I am not the be all nor end all.

---

Meek should be okay. I hope. I'm off, I need to pick him up.

-

Do you want children?

Do you intend to put a large down payment on your future house?

How do you feel about discipline? Spanking? Grounding?

---

What an odd ideal.


I feel like empty. If you were to cut me open, you'd see too. You'd see that I've clean house and made all sorts of extra space inside of me.

But until that space is filled...
...
...I just feel hollow.

Or hallow.
One of the two.
-

Tortured internally, I have been wrapping myself around the thorns of life.

But at least I can smell the rose above me.

---

A slew of familial issues have consumed my life. I fear the funerals will pile up faster than the suspension referals that are swarming in.

My neice is beautiful, and I seem to offset the dying in my life with the sheer thrill of living that she exudes.

Personally...
Personally though...
I am alright.

I seem to be coping with things the best way I know how. Keeping it inside, and avoiding everyone I possibly can.

Likely very unhealthy, but.

I've begun focusing my energy on my future, I've mapped out the semblance of a plan...
Which is progress.
---
Two years. Two Years.
and I'm off....
-

Ever have mistimed wants?

I mean a want, that you shouldn't wish for at this particular moment?

All the things I desire at this moment, I shouldn't want.
I should want normal things...

Travel, Career, School.

Instead I've figured out that no amount of schooling will tell me what I want out of life...
That all those that think that school will figure it out, and 'why not?', They are just as lost as I am.

There are fifty year old people in this world that still don't know where they are going...

Why do I feel the need to have a plan?
To pre-plan out my destiny...
----

On a positive note.
On January third, I became an auntie. I have a beautiful niece named Madison Lea.

----

I want three things.
And in no particular order.
Happy New Year.
-

Today is a tuesday.
We'll refer to today as Food Poisoning Tuesday, shall we?

Not because I am suffering from it, or will receive it today. But simply because that is what my tired mind decided that I should tell work.

I didn't, mind you.

I considered calling in sick, putting on my best
'i've been throwing up all night'
voice and sleep blissfully for the remainder the day.

My new years resolution is to work out three times a week. So far its been going really well. Turns out this free YMCA plus membership that tags off of my job is pretty well amazing.

Towels and conditioner, Q-Tips and Flat Irons, Coffee and tea, private hot-tub and steam room...
...Razors and shaving cream
...
I literally could live there.

Although I am brutally sore today. I need to slow down, my life has been crazy right since the 19th of December. I want time for myself, so maybe I could finally be a friend. Maybe do some laundry. Maybe even go through my Christmas gifts.
---
The AUNTIE ANDREA countdown has started...
Only 23 days, maybe less...

-

Why isn't centre recognized on my computer as a correct spelling? I live in Canada, where my computer was programmed and peiced together...

And yet I must still spell centre, center.
Centre.

I had a rather sad afternoon. I exchanged words with a worried lover. I peeked on my frantic Nellus.
And then SHE came.

This sad twenty-five year old woman. She was all waddled up in, I'm sure what was all of her clothing. Carrying a beat-up backpack on her back, she was out of breath as she hunched down into one of lobby chairs. She is eight months pregnant.

Her mother in-law just kicked her out onto the streets with no where to go, because her capital housing application was denied, and she doesn't want to look after her anymore.

So here she is. This blatently pregnant woman, who very well may have to have her baby on the streets in the coldest month of the year.

Merry Christmas you cold hearted bitch.
Seriously.

I love my job, but sometimes, I swear I'm just going to start bringing everyone home with me.

Even crazy no-shoe guy.
-

I watched the old school Grinch cartoon last night, and it made me really crave the stupid cliched, worry free and inebriated with happiness, feelings that have filled christmas television shows, and movies for all of these many years.

I want singing, and laughing, and smiles, and sneaky hand-holding.

This year.

This Year.

That is what I wish for, I want to be Cindy Lou Who.




I want to actually finish up my meager Christmas shopping, and trapse through our freshly aquired snow. Dancing to Sinatra and Crosby, swinging my arms and twirling with baubles and garland wrapped around me.

Yup. That's me. Andrea the Christmas gift.
Open me and be doused in hopefulness.
-

Monday heralds in December. We have no snow, I have no tree ornaments, and still need to pay rent.

I am, simply put, tapped.

I wish that I suddenly had money to actually spend on people this year for gifts. But truth is, I'm beat.

I have not a clue in my pretty little head of what I should get Spencer for Christmas.

I want to eat some Alphaghetti I think, the Scooby Doo stuff.
Maybe that will make our bleak winter seem more personable, and allow me to put on some clothes, possibly even get some things done.




I want an address book for Christmas.
-

I sit in my office, and stare out, past the blinking Christmas lights, and ratty old garland.

I look at my calendar, the one with the bright pink post it tab to indicate the date, the one I spend a lot of time staring at.

I look and see that hag Pearl is hovering around my office again...
..Steal my tape...

I was thinking that a semblance of an update would be nice...

What is new in my life?
I moved out from the tyranny of my parents house.

I have a new job for the YMCA, well, newerish, since September... It's pretty fantastic.

I'm going to be an Auntie soon...

My man is gone for three weeks... and I've suffered through half of that already...

My trellis dwelling Nellus and I are set to imbibe and watch some sappy happy chick-flicks.

I flip from personable to miserable without even getting the memo. I feel bad for my co-workers... I'm a little unhinged. I would like to think it's just me being lonely, but I think its a little more specific.
I am tired of taking my shit out on the people who don't deserve it.

-shrug-
I want it all.
-

Thus ends my night of randomness.

you are the best thing that life could have given me

I spent the day reliving eighth grade social studies. The Prince reread, and reinterpreted for the mind of a thirteen year old.

Turned down a pubcrawl, which ended in a face full of pepper spray for my inviter... and a an endearing nickname earned...
Right two-face?

My brother showing up on my doorstep, locked out of mom and dad's place because he had snuck out to see his girlfriend...

The decision to dress like a bar-star to simply walk to McDonald's for a happy meal. Ending in cat walking down the sidewalk in the cold night air.

And now you ask? Beside the numbing empty hole that is gaping in my heart... I'm doing alright. A heap of Snap Peas later, and curling up to watch The Goonies.

I miss my man.
It's not the absence that is hard on me.
It the not knowing...

...The not know that's hard.

Time to wipe off my impromptu raccoon eyes, and my ruby mouth, and tumble haphazardly into the realm of dreaming.
The last place that lies serenely.
-

Andrea's all growed up.


Look at the big girl tumble down the street, happily kicking up clouds of dust in her wake. She leaves friendship strewn in the dirt, and all she sees is endless possibilities ahead.

I'm actually excited about Christmas this year.

Me, the Christmas cynic....
{{{{Insert shopping break}}}}

Ok, back. Christmas gift wrap and bows, and baubles later...

My life is not nearly as interesting as it used to be. Or perhaps, I just have grown up and don't use fancy words, and symbolism to try to appear niftier than I actually am.
-shrugs-
Who knows?

Happiness is contagious, thus is why I love my job.
I've been having dreams about you lately,
ones where you and I are friends again,
and you understand,
and I bash the bitch's face in.

But I suppose such sentiments belong in the wonderlust of dreams.
-

By nature.
From nature.

I don't know what to say.
I'm speechless.
It's uncanny, that after all these years of talking obsessively about nothing, that I have nothing to say.

I can't even shed a tear for you. Not with how this worked out. You can't even imagine.

- - -

So birthdays come, and school starts, and new shoes wear out.

But are we still the same? Do we change at all or does capitalism force us to think that way?

I'm so hungry I can't even ramble some sense out...
-

SSSTTAAAAAARR!

I'm mopey. I'm happy. I'm disinterested.
I don't know what I am.
Andrea.

Lately, I find that I have secluded myself from friends and family. It was lonely, but now...
Now its cumbersome.

Start new work soon, this year will be my definitive. I will finally have the time to see what I really want. If it includes Edmonton, if it includes more school, if it even includes my friends and family.

I find my nature purely parasitic, and because of it, I feel I have ruined many friendships, and many opportunities. I will not do this any more.

I desire the old Andrea. The Andrea who dressed like a hobo, and didn't try to come across as sophisticated and mature by trying to dress the part...
Who still nerded up comic book stores, and read books for FUN, and didn't try to sound pointed and witty while discussing the finer points of Klimt and Titian's artistic careers.

I keep pretending to be someone, hoping that's who I'll end up being.

~~~

When will I just learn to be me, and leave the acting to the primadonnas....
-

So, Here it is.

My signed confession. My red handed apprehension. My size seven footprint at the crime scene.

I am actually starting to enjoy my job, I enjoy going to work in the morning. I enjoy eating my lunch, and walking my meager walks. I enjoy that thrill of when four thirty hits, and it’s almost time to go home. I love little things, like the library calling to let me know my holds are in. I like cooking silly foods, and doing bare necessity laundry, and showering after a long busy, hectic day. I like little things, like calls from friends, and texts from loved ones, and a long hug after a frustrating moment.

Is this me accepting the fact that an adult life is filled with the mundane, and hardship? That yes, indeed, it is possible to find satisfaction within a repetitive and controlled routine?

All I need these days to be living the dream is a place of my own, so I can live my boring yet somehow fulfilling life as a anti-socialite.

That’s all I want.
Minimal school, no more family, and just…

So. Another week gone by, another Friday almost done. This weekend I shall grace the Calgary Zoo with my presence.

I'm hyped.

Twenty, and never been to the Calgary zoo.

Terrible thoughts. I love him so stupidly much, but...

I want things.
Things I can't have, in the here and now, with him...
Like travel,
like move out quickly,
like rely on when he'll be done work.

It seems so selfish, to take something so perfect, and question it based on my own petty selfish needs.

I wish I were lonesomely wandering the world, shacked up in a shanty in some obscure part of the globe, far from the mundaneness of the digital world of the west.

I hate this valuation system that us westerners have, who's to say that a writer is less important than an accountant, and a teacher makes less than an electrician?

I want common sense, and to be taken seriously as a human being... to escape these false hopes and dreams and aspirations, that in all actuality only belong to my parents, my grandparents, my tormentors...

I want to have my perfect world, without the pain of building it myself.
-

I watch the clock, tick away the day...

And that is my day.
---

I miss my best friend, and I miss my ability to sleep until ten, and the ability to do things during the day.

I like the pay check, but I still live at home so, how well am I truely doing?
---

On the inside I am miserable.
I love Spencer, and miss Nellus, and I loathe my family.

WHen will this all change?
-

And wonder why it is in my room, with me,
Naked on a computer chair,
Crossed legged,
Ashamed.

Hiding from a job that I loathe,
That has ruined my weekend,
That has me scared.

-

My family is gone to Jasper for the weekend, the brother has a hockey tournament.
Yesterday night I got the nastiest, and degrading message left by the one ally I thought I had left at work.
It has left me crumbled, and shattered.

I am too scared of what people think.

So as I sit here cold, contemplating...
I feel so immature.

I am actually hiding from her. Just like with the last position I had...
It is so demeaning.


Save me from myself.
-

I don't want to look forward to the mundane anymore. I am tired of looking forward to starting my new job, which will only be good for a week or two and then it will be subject to the same shittiness that all of my jobs end with.

I want to look forward to shiny new purchases, like Spencer's new truck, and fancy new adventures like Nell's summer long Europe trip.

Instead all I look forward to is...
"Hello Premier Vanlines, Andrea speaking, How may I help you?"

I want something new.
-