Giving Up or Changing for the Better

May 29th, 2009 4:00:14 pm - Subscribe
Mood: unfulfilled

You can do better.

Why do women always tell their girlfriend that the man they are with isn't worthy of their companionship? They always tell them they deserve more. That they shouldn't date anyone less than perfect.

Where is this mystery man? Where is the man of my dreams? Should I go to more bars? Where is this adorably geeky guy who loves me more than anything? Who craves any word that pops into my mind and trembles at the sight of my body?

He is in Ellsworth, crying because he entered my life when I was unwell. Because I screwed everything up with my confused selfishness.

I must forget all that.

I signed away all my rights when I asked him out. By agreeing to be his girlfriend, I agreed to all that follows:

Only seeing him when he has the time.
Allowing him to sleep in another girl's bed.
Pretending I'm fine so he can take care of other things without worrying about me.
Never revealing any trace of bitterness towards someone I'm intensely jealous of.
Stepping aside as he moves in with her.
Waiting patiently.
Allowing him to see his child with no hope of ever being part of his/her life.
Allowing his ex to say mean things to me without standing up for myself.
Allowing her to treat my boyfriend like shit as he does everything he can to work things out.
Comforting, yet fruitlessly unrealistic planning.
Living each day with him as if it is my last, as any talk of the future is too sensitive or perhaps hopeless.

I will never marry him. He only wants me here because I am the only one who is nice to him regardless of his actions. I am the only one who is dumb enough to stick around this long. Once the baby comes, I will no longer be of any assistance. I will only be a burden. He will spend all of his time with his child and I will have to wait for hours on the offchance that he'll sign on to messenger. He will tell me about how hard his day was, I will feel bad and wish that I could hold him and make everything better. I'll go to bed, several hours before I need to wake, and cry because my boyfriend is in another girl's bed, taking care of her child.

Eventually I'll come to my senses and move far away where I can take care of my sick brother, wishing I had done just that a long time ago.

My plans of a single life in Lawrence will finally be complete. I will finish my education and begin working my way out of college debt. Someone might come along and spark my interest but I won't plan on starting a relationship. A life of independence will be so much more fulfilling anyway.

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