Gone for Good Again

Jun 30th, 2009 5:55:23 pm - Subscribe
Mood: pouty

I watched a gaggle of drunks attempting to relocate a dead car during a cigarette binge. I wish that was my dilemma. I wish I was just another drunk girl looking for a ride home.

Stumbling upon another pathetic drunk looking for a good time.

I could sleep with him, get a ride home, never see him again, make it to work on time, and spend the afternoon sleeping of the regret. I'd kill to have that back. Temporary highs to balance the blackouts and sadness from rejection and disapating text messages from those who seemed like someting more.

To actually experience fulfillment from this lifestyle.

But instead I lay here, listening to the whirring of the familiar ceiling fan, mutterings of video games and other computer related nonsense, and the nerve wracking tapping keyboard belonging to a very distant boyfriend.

My stomach turns into knots. My brain rattles around in my head when I reposition myself.

Chelsea would be satisfied. She would allow me into her bed as she clacks away to her current significant other. She would tell him or her all about how badly Grampa screwed up this time. I would pretend she means everything to me. The alcohol would grant me permission to believe it.

Instead I go to bed angry and worried about the same old things. I go to work sober, thinking about how soon I can finish school, what I should do with my money, how I can make this absurd relationship work.

I miss contemplating suicide over the little things. Now ending my life seems irresponsible. I have to think things through now. I'm a dreamer but I'm too realistic.

I currently spend too much of my life worrying.

Must obtain Valium.

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