How Long Again

May 31st, 2009 9:53:52 am - Subscribe
Mood: violated

I spent most of my morning spinning in circles.

Last night was odd to say the least. The familiar feeling I got as he cautiously placed his hand on my lower back. Pretending I don't notice him staring at me, wanting me, as I gulp mind altering substances. Following him to the dark bedroom where I know he's going to attempt to pursue me. The awkward, drunken, pantomimed disinterest.

I can't decide if I really wanted it. I knew it wouldn't be worth it. I knew I'd have to run home drunk and probably crying. Knowing I screwed it all up once again.

I allowed him to kiss me several times, I felt obligated. For a moment I forgot where I was, who I was and who I was with. Am I really enjoying this or do I just feel like I have to be here?

I was honest. He took my drink and set it aside. We sat on the porch and talked about our feelings. I told him about the time frame between now and 6 years ago. I told him about my problems and how I was desperately trying to get better. He reassured me that we wouldn't go any farther than cuddling and perhaps a few kisses. I couldn't stop thinking about Chris.

What is he doing right now? Is he asleep? Why was he so anxious to get me out of the house? Is he with her right now? He's going to be so disappointed. I wish I was with him now.

I contemplated this cuddling. I tried to tell him I needed to leave, he grew progressively sadder as I tried to tell him I didn't want to remember him as a mistake. He took my hand and brushed my hair aside. I sighed, wanting the attention, wanting to leave. I thought about how Chris would react, why the hell should he care, he does this all the time. Crawling into bed with someone else, comforting them, making things temporarily easier. Why does he get to do it once a week but when the thought even crosses my mind I feel like I'm doing something wrong?

That's all I was doing. I wanted to make it easier. It would be easier to just stay, I won't have to feel bad about drinking their alcohol and cutting out early. Just stay. It will be more simple. Chris won't ask questions, just hold the poor kid. Give him one night in your arms, no one needs to know.

How many of my sexual encounters consisted of me taking the easy way out of a misunderstanding? Oh good I get a place to stay tonight, oh right, he just wants sex. Well, he did give me a ride...

He kissed me behind the ear as more tequila passed my lips. He placed his hand on my shoulder, moving downward, dragging his lips down my neck. I took off running when he bit down. I suppose that is where I draw the line. There is only one person who can do that to me and Nathan isn't that person.

Where the fuck am I, what was I doing, why did he, why did I, what was I thinking, what was I drinking?

I dreamed of lounging in lawn furniture, singing along with Carly Simon as Mrs. Gould painted the porch. We had just finished the song when my alarm went off. No nightmares tonight, only horrid memories of reality. The screams did not wake me this morning. The sound of my own moaning lulled me into sleep.

3431 allsoap bag blue
Rachel go back and reclean the bathroom in 21.
4221 cupcup bathmat
Rachel?
Sorry Marilyn, the ground won't stop moving.
Don't let it hit you on the head.

They don't pay me enough to work this hung over.

---