I guess I don't like him either.

May 12th, 2009 6:05:11 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Abused

I don't like the way he talks down to him. The things he's said before. The way he treats him. I don't like it that he makes him feel that way.

I don't think he's all that great to her. She enjoys it but she doesn't see that she is only an object. They might truly love each other but I see how she is being manipulated. I see it since it has happened to me before. Her kind nature, her desires, her need to please him all blind her as she allows him to walk all over her.

I am not attracted to him but he forced himself on me so that I could be with her. It was part of the unspoken compromise. I must sleep with him to please her. It wouldn't be fair to him to have to watch considering they are a couple. If she can kiss me then why couldn't he?

It was my first three-way. It happened when I believed sex was what made me happy. My memory of the event is less traumatic than what actually happened. I convince myself quite regularly that he did not violate me. It was all part of the deal. I had to give some to receive some. They provided the alcohol that made it easier for me to let him use my desire for her to overcome the fear I had of him.

My need for casual sex has been replaced with a need for respect and love. I still long to be desired but prefer not to be used in the process. I've left myself behind but I'm still haunted with memories of everyone who was like me, who used me. The people I've used who had no idea why I was so willing or how much it was destroying me. How much I'm still falling apart as a result.

I may never know what is right for me.

---