I won't actually do it.

Jan 25th, 2011 7:43:23 pm - Subscribe
Mood: trapped

I simply do not feel good enough to coexist with the rest of humanity.

I thought this semester would be easier. It's not. Every day is a struggle for me. It wasn't always this difficult. I either had people or drugs helping me along the way. Anymore I have to argue with myself just to get out of bed. I cry through every assignment. I bang my head through all the readings and no matter how hard I work, it's not good enough. I'm not as intelligent as everyone else. I don't pick up on things as easily. To make matters worse, I can't stop criticizing myself. I would stand up for myself and work harder next time, but I don't like myself and I don't feel like I'm capable of what others are.

This is why I want to die.

Hear me out. I'm suffering. Yes, I know other people have it much worse than I do but if they are suffering as much as I am, perhaps they should kill themselves as well. If they have hope for a better future, then maybe they should tough it out but my future doesn't seem all that bright. I really don't have all that much to live for. I have no goals, no direction and frankly, life scares the shit out of me.

It's selfish. Sure, the people who had a part in the way I turned out will feel like failures. My facebook friends will write on my wall about how they're going to miss me, then bring up some event where I made them laugh and insist that those times didn't have to end. People will feel guilty for all the things they could have done for me. Others will have a constant feeling that something is missing, knowing that I was always there if and when they needed me.

But is it really selfish to want to end my misery? Or is it selfish of them to want me to continue living through this hell that I've created? When someone dies of cancer, we grieve, but we also acknowledge that we should rejoice since their pain has come to an end. Why should my loved ones not rejoice when my illness ultimately kills me?

It seem kind of petty to want to kill yourself over class or an assignment. But not really. Emotions are amplified and everything seems impossible. I can't seem to accomplish anything anymore. Going to the store is enough to send me into cardiac arrest. I've experienced self-medication and that came to a screeching halt for various reasons. I can't go to class without valium, I can't see my parents without klonopin, I can't sleep without a bowl and I can't study without adderal. I had it all worked out but I couldn't afford it anymore. Plus it's kind of illegal and frowned upon by loved ones.

So here I am. I want to die. I won't do it. If I was going to do it, I would have done it by now. I just wish I knew what to do. I can't talk to people who care about me because they all say the same things, begging me not to do it for their own selfish reasons. I can't talk to a professional because I would end up at a hospital or a police station.

There is nothing society can do for the suicidal. Maybe we should just allow them to relieve themselves of such misery.

But seriously kids, don't do it.

---