Illness

Jan 13th, 2011 2:10:50 pm - Subscribe
Mood: abnormal

It has been several days since my last hit. The detox has been absolute hell. Being around people makes me want to cry. Being alone makes me cry. Bullshit on TV makes me want to vomit. Smoking and eating make me vomit. I cut off one needy, dependent loser for another needy, dependent not-so-much-of-a-loser. He follows me around like a puppy and won't let me be in a room by myself. I'm sure he's afraid I'll hurt myself but his presence makes me anxious. I'm not so sure that I have feelings for him but he kisses me anyway, causing even more violent shaking. His existence reminds me that I'm not ready for any kind of human contact. I know I wanted him at one time but now I'm terrified, knowing he holds the cards, completely vulnerable to him. Beaten down so many times that attempts towards comfort feel condescending. Any form of companionship at this point can only be a result of pity. No one actually wants to be around me.

I'm crying right now. Just typing this. I can't keep my face from leaking. The idea of leaving the house to buy books or to have a cigarette seems equivalent to jumping into a fiery pit.

I know I'm being dramatic. I wish this was for my own enjoyment. I don't want to cry. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to be alone but I can't be around anyone right now. Text messages send me into an unreasonable panic. I wish my demeanor would drive him out the door but here he sits, making light of my condition. Finding clever ways to touch my neck, laughing at the way I scream and flail. Rubbing my back so I won't smoke, permitting my need to pull my teeth out, one by one.

Painting is comforting but it makes me sleepy. I wind up in bed for hours haunted by dreams of rape and murder. Wake up choking and coughing on my own screams, too scared to go out for that cigarette, too angry with myself to eat. Water tastes like anorexia.

Jonesing for the pills that put me here. The phone is over there. I'm too tired to make that call. Too tired for class. Too tired for life. Too cold and scared to come out from under the blankets. I'm missing out on my life.

Welcome to my hell. This is only the half of it. I'm too tired to finish. Please pray for me. Pray that this kills me tonight.

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