Keep You in Mind as Something Larger Than Life

Sep 7th, 2010 12:06:21 pm - Subscribe
Mood: overloaded

I spent the last couple years trying to adapt to what I thought he wanted. I gave up some interests and acquired some of his. I let him know how much I was willing to sacrifice for him and expect that much in return.

It sucks.

My vocabulary isn't strong enough to express it any other way.

I called Jeremy for advice. He said he'd come see me after he got his car up and running. I asked him to stay the night so that I might get a few more than three hours of sleep and he immediately obliged. After catching up and discussing what I'd been through, he seemed hesitant about coming to see me but feigned willingness. For the first time I demanded that he tell me what he was feeling. I'm so tired of being lied to and having people pussyfoot around me like I'm just going to shatter if they tell me the truth.

He said he didn't think it was a good idea to try and hook up right away, especially with an ex. He said I need to find who I am independent of everyone else. Then he told me that he was excited to catch up with me but part of him wanted to tell me to fuck off.

He's still coming to see me. I don't want to be with him and I made sure he knows that. I told him about how I called my mom because I was so lonely. Everything is really scary now that I have no one. I'm afraid to re-discover who I was before I met Chris because without the alcohol and desire for strangers, I'm not so sure anything is left. Chris made me vulnerable to everything and I latched onto him for dear life. I did everything he thought I should do and said everything I thought he wanted to hear. I opened up to him about all the things that frightened me and doubt I'll ever have the strength to do it again. I'm afraid to explain my insecurities, my history and my needs ever again. I don't want to be rejected by anyone who knows my weaknesses ever again.

So far without him I've discovered that I'm shallow, uninteresting, uneducated, and unable to handle minor things like going to the doctor or falling asleep.

I've spent the past few days buried in a boring book, waiting for a chance to talk to him. I know how he feels but I'm unclear as to how I feel.

I'm sure I want to be friends. I want to go over to his house and watch our shows. Text him things that might make him laugh. Stay up late talking about nothing.

It's almost kind of exciting to think of it that way. It was comforting to go to bed with him every night and cuddle up on him, fall asleep to whatever he was watching. Wishing for sex but knowing it was probably out of the question. I had accepted all of our faults. I accepted not knowing if I was going to go home angry or if we were going to just have a quiet evening. I accepted the dullness that was us.

I know a new beginning with us won't happen for a while. I try not to mistake his firmness for insensitivity, though it's possible that it is. I'll just have to wait and see what he has to say to me, if anything at all. Part of me hopes he still reads this nonsense, even though I'm sure he has enough self-control to not worry about my bland thoughts anymore. I just wish he could see that I'm putting forth effort to start over, not from the beginning of our relationship but from the day we met, with no expectations and a slight platonic interest in each other. It will be a while but I'm hopeful.

I hate it that I lost my best friend over a relationship we both knew could never work under the circumstances.

Hurry up and wait.

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