LalalalaLove

Sep 24th, 2010 12:56:32 am - Subscribe

Annoyed with the intentions of the people in my life. I suppose it's time to give up. Stop wasting time, money, energy, thoughts. I figured I would be more upset but I was slightly less than disappointed. Sleep followed a bit too easily, awakened only by a developing cold.

I'm slowly beginning to realize just how picky I am. I always thought I had low self-esteem and every meaningless encounter was evidence that I hated myself. Now I realize that the destructive behavior was nothing more than a failed attempt to stop hurting. I used to feel as though no one could ever love me. Now I realize plenty of people love me. They simply do not meet my standards.

When I was in a relationship, my eyes wandered. I saw people that I could sleep with or even see exclusively but I didn't act upon these desires, believing that the benefits would not outweigh the detriments. I felt happy with the way things were and had no intention of starting over or destroying what I thought I had.

Now I see those same people. I always figured I would approach them if I had nothing to lose. Not quite. At a point of desperation I offered to sleep with a number of people. I was turned down for various reasons. Several agreed to sex but wanted me to see them exclusively. A few people asked me out shortly after they found out I was dumped. A couple of my friends have attempted to set me up with just about every person they know.

So far I've been on three dates and I've slept with three people. The dates were all epic fail and the sexual encounters were safe since none of them expected anything more than sex.

No one who has asked me out has fit my standards. A few years ago I might have jumped at any opportunity but strangely, Chris has set the bar pretty high.

I was damaged fruit before but Chris crammed me into a juicer that spilled all over the kitchen floor.

I used to see certain people as attractive, passionate potential lovers. Now I see those same people as someone I'll be ashamed to introduce to my parents, I see no future, perpetual debt, uninteresting and dumbed-down conversations, wasted hours and energy, exhausting explanations, disagreements without actual arguments, disappointment, unmet expectations, another breakup, another broken heart.

I give up on love again. It doesn't seem statistically possible for two people to feel the same way about each other. At least not in my experience. I've had intense feelings for people who didn't think twice about me. I've broken many hearts. I was loved by someone I cared little about but his feelings changed when I confessed my love. I want to fuck people who want a relationship and I want a relationship with people who want to fuck. Feelings change so quickly these days. From love to hate and back to love again, it seems impossible for anyone to catch up with another.

I'm going on my stupid blind date tomorrow but I've already given up all hope of finding any form of companionship. The Peace Corps is my new love interest. I want to make a goddamn difference in this world of misplaced feelings so everyone can tell me what a great fucking person I am. It seems evil to me to concentrate showing affection to only one person when so many people around the world are deprived of the most basic human compassion.

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I really wish someone would make me soup and tuck me in to bed. I hate being alone when I'm sick.

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