Merry Fucking Christmas

Dec 24th, 2010 6:46:14 pm - Subscribe

Dear Mom,

I don't know why I expect anything different every year. I figured this year would be less stressful for you since you don't have to impress your rival/sister, Carol. I did not think four days at your house would be absolute hell even though I am trying to quit smoking.

I don't understand why you have to make it a point to stress yourself out over your children and your mother. These people are your family and they should not judge you. If they stress you out this badly, maybe it's time to stop hosting Christmas dinner. You're going out of your way, making everyone miserable so that everything can be perfect Christmas day. This is completely unnecessary because if you truly gave a shit about making me happy, you wouldn't be acting like a royal bitch right now.

Please do not refer to Kenny, Gina and Braxton as my "relatives." Kenny is my brother. Referring to him as a relative adds the negative connotation that you created for that word. I do not need to impress Kenny or his wife or his infant son with my cleaning habits and you don't either. I am not white trash and if he thinks I am he can go to hell. Why? Because he's my fucking brother. Also, you don't need to scold me for my language or manners in front of "company." I am around Lucas' girlfriend on a regular basis and I happen to know that she belches louder than I.

If you turn on any more of those fucking singing plastic Christmas figurines that you find so goddamn amusing, I swear I will slit my throat in front of the entire family and it will be the most merry fucking christmas of my entire life.

Go to hell, mom. I'm never coming home for Christmas again. I'm tired of the family making excuses for why you're so fucking psychotic and why it's okay that you scream at me and criticize me for no goddamn reason. I'm done with your fucking cinnamon candles and your dry, assy cookies. Try having some real fucking food when I come home instead of slapping my hand and calling me fat when I try to eat something that you're saving for Christmas. We're going to be eating leftovers anyway so I don't see what the big damn deal is.

Everything has to be perfect. Everything except you.

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