New Eating Disorder Named 'College'

Aug 9th, 2008 8:58:50 pm - Subscribe
Mood: dazed

That was definitely in the top five worst nights of my life. I still can't figure out where everything went wrong.

Josh, Calder, Salima, Christianna, Sunny, the gang was all there. I was so excited to see them all. Then something went wrong inside me. The intense crowded volume caused a silence inside me.

A silence between the raindrops on the roof of my car.

Something cracked and I had to leave. I worried about Josh getting home, I probably should have been more concerned about myself. I offered to take him home but freaked out behind the wheel.

Watching him in Sunny's arms made me smile a bit. I'm not sure who I was more jealous of. Preoccupation disturbed my senses. I stilll haven't established what these mental interruptions consisted of.

Mostly silence.

I left Josh at his appartment. His disappearance left me uneasy and slightly hysterical.

(Scene missing)

I must have cried myself to sleep. Some cops peeled me off the lawn. I believe I was in front of Stadium Place at this point.

(Scene missing)

Thunder woke me various times, yet I had no idea where I was. The pounding rain seemed awfully close to my head. I kept imagining the lightning pulsing through my veins. Blackness flooded my eyes with flashes from the storm. I couldn't make anything out, nor could I find the ability to move.

I woke up, soaking wet, at 6 am in the backseat of my car. I must have drunkenly pulled it off with the cops. I drove to my house, changed and went to work.

I smoked a cigarette in my car, leaning out at stoplights to vomit. Sunny text messaged me at work asking if I was alright. Apparently he called me the night before and I had informed him that the cops drove me home.

I'm fairly sure this did not happen.

All day at work I tried to remember what set me off. It could have been when Sunny called me a slut or I could have suddenly decided I wasn't receiving enough attention. There are numerous possibilities but only one solution that I can think of. I need to stop drinking.

It's going to take me to do something horribly fucked up before I ever learn. Just like everyone else.

I think I was upset that I'm turning into Eric.

I wish I was still in high school. Or at least maintained that mentality.

I fanticize about suicide a lot. I'm not going to do it. I just imagine what it would be like to hang myself from the vaccuum cord at work or shooting myself in front of Chelsea and telling her it's all her fault.

The idea of death comforts me when the panic sets in at work.

I wish I wasn't so dramatic.

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