Not a Lot of Girls

Jul 18th, 2009 12:48:23 pm - Subscribe
Mood: enamored

I want a time machine. I want to relive all of those times I took for granted. Our first kiss was less than memorable. I was incredibly baked and had absolutely no feelings for him. I had no feelings for anyone. All I wanted was sex. I remember wandering off hoping for someone to follow. Hiding around the corner, my heart racing, listening to his footsteps coming closer. I was afraid and unsure why, perhaps the idea of actually feeling something.

We laid side by side. My stoned attempts to sound insightful failed as usual. Blinded by the lacking in optical assistance, the midnight Autumn sky was a navy blindfold punctured hundreds of times, letting in bits of light.

Frightened by his loving words, I wrapped my legs around him, allowing him to kiss me. I forced my drunken state to take over, wishing he would not try to win me over this way. Refusing to allow any meaning, I ran inside to pursue a girl.

I drank to numb myself of the guilt of what I planned to do. I wanted them to take me with them, to add them to my list of sexual encounters. I had to show him that he did not mean anything and never would. But my conscience took over and I surrendered in his bed, wishing I had not overheard the accusations they made and drank more, hoping to forget.

I felt better when he came to bed but knew I would regret it.

From what I remember the sex was awful. My stomach had imploded earlier that evening and I was too drunk to move. He was another name to check off the list but it meant so much more to him. This knowledge forced a longing for it all to be over. His desperate attempts to please me only hurt worse, as they would for months following. The sex got progressively better; however, I grew ill each time I was reminded of someone else or risked feeling something.

I cried the first time we made love. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that my eyes watered as I allowed myself to love him. The words slipped out, believing they didn't count in the highpoint of pleasure but when he said it back I thought I was going to faint.

I wish I could redo all the bad and visit the good. I want to feel my heart pounding in my chest the way it did the first time I told him I loved him. I want to go back and save him from the heartache I caused.

It's pretty bad when Xu tells me I'm being nausiating.

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