Okay, fine.

Apr 16th, 2009 7:05:53 pm - Subscribe
Mood: okay

I'm okay.
Because I'm completely shitfaced, everything is okay.
I spent an hour crying so everything is okay. I'm fine.
The world continued turning everything is fine
You only owed an explanation, I am fine again.
My hands are numb with rum, I am fine again.
Goodbye to you, dear, I am fine again.

You lied to me, but I am fine again.
You were the reason I gave this up and the reason I turned to this again.

Dear, I am fine again.
Dear, I am me again.

Everything is okay now, that the alcohol is in my veins.
You asked me repeatedly to be yours and yours only.
This is the reason things are fine, the reason I am numb.
You told me, this is the end, the end of my battle; that pain is better than never feeling at all.
Really? Because I was sad and when I drank, I was fine. Everything was okay again.
The pain is there but dulled into a contentment I remember as "okay."
I screamed when you told me I was not the only one but I got better with each drop.
My eyelids burn, my throat stings with every sip, but nothing hurts like what you said.
I am fine again.
Give me one good reason not to drink, I dare you, Chris, I dare you, as you feel the same as I had before.

But everything is okay now. You did not hurt me so.
You told me before, that you loved me, that you wanted me as your own.
Did you, sir? Did you? When you made me put down my glass?
You have child now, but is it yours? I'm sure it is. All I have is alcohol.

You were my best friend, now I have no one. But everything is fine.
I have this drink, I have this numb. I have the tears but no memory of why.
The hiccups and the slurring add the humor to my numb.
It offers a smile where there was none before I had this pain.
Before I had the reason so everything is fine.

Everything is great, I hope that you feel the same.
Because, before this, I felt like screaming, I did, as I recall.
I screamed and cried like never before, you killed me with you blessing.
I empathize as I recall, an expensive termination you offered, but did not owe.

So everything is fine. As long as it is you and not myself.
You understand the damage you have caused.
I expect no apologies, so everything is fine.
As far as I am concerned you were never there.
You are just one, of many, I must put into my past.
I do this every day, I am used to this. I am okay again.
The numb is relief, I am okay again.

Did you fix me or did you break me?
Neither, I am the same again.
I have returned to me, the drunken me, the one that is okay.

I remember, though, it just had to be, the moment I decided to take that step.
That step, one closer step, to be with just the one.
It is okay though do not worry.
It is just that I remember, vaguely, letting down my guard, letting you move closer to me
Was it a sacrifice I made?
A boy I left?
I cannot remember so everything is okay.

But was it? Was it? I remember slightly, in my drunken stupor.
In my hormonal state, I remember, I left the one from the past.
I took one frightening step, one horrifying step closer, Chris, be my memory for me, please.
I left someone I love; I left him in my memory.
FOR YOU.
I REMEMBER NOW, IT WAS FOR YOU.
This is the reason I could not agree to be your one and only.
This is the reason, but I am okay now, the reason it took me so long.
The reason I hesitated. You were the reason I could not allow myself as yours.

But, dear, I forgot the pain.
I am fine.
I have the alcohol to hold me when I cry.
The alcohol will never leave me; it will never return to its prior love.
I loved you, Chris, but I am fine.
It is just that much more difficult to ever trust someone again.
I trust alcohol. I now love it more than you because it comforts me, it makes things fine.
It does not tell me it loves me, so it never has to lie.
It never asks me to be its girl, so it never leads me astray.

Fuck you, dear. I am fine again.
Fuck you and your psycho girlfriend. I hope that everything is fine.
I offer you my empathy but at least I offered an abortion to make everything okay.
I told you I would end it all and make everything okay.
Have fun with your family, excluding me.

I know that I will wait until the time is right for me, and everything will be fine.
When you are deep in debt and paying for your mistake, I will be okay, Chris, I will be just fine.

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