Self Esteem

Jan 23rd, 2012 10:53:27 am - Subscribe
Mood: starving

I will not allow the hot chicks at the adjacent table to deter me from eating. I am hungry. I have been eating rice for weeks. I deserve a complete meal. I deserve protein.

I do not care if they look at me.
I do not care if they watch me.
If they judge me, they have problems.
They are just attractive girls.
Everyone eats.

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Shh

Sep 13th, 2011 9:14:58 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Pressurized

Sometimes I just wish Chelsea would just come back and shake things up with her monkey banana raffle and a bag of oranges.

When did everything get so quiet all of the sudden?

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Ambien and Klonopin

Jun 5th, 2011 8:48:45 pm - Subscribe
Mood: uneasy

Over the past few days, it has become even more clear than before how much easier it is to remain in a bad relationship than open up to someone new.

I have discovered how many things I can no longer accomplish.

Quitting smoking so I can run that much faster from anyone who could possibly mean something to me.

I should spare myself the phone call instead of wishing my doctor good luck.

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Fail

May 17th, 2011 10:29:06 pm - Subscribe
Mood: ashamed

I had a mental breakdown in front of my parents.
My mom wouldn't let me vomit in peace.
Her advice was completely useless and unnecessary.
Failing in front of them.
It feels like my lungs are wrapped in rubber bands.
Dying for a cigarette.
Dying to be home.
They have witnessed what I deal with.
They watched the hell I put myself through to please them.
My "tremendous talent" means little to them and even less to me, knowing that I'm still and always will be a complete screw up.

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Liberation

May 15th, 2011 10:33:33 am - Subscribe
Mood: Relieved

No longer incarcerated by his feigned compassion. His actions have always made little sense but questioning only leaves me with the appearance of insanity. The unfortunate but inevitable process of over-analyzing his behavior has reached its end. My expectations of flawless logic drove me mad, constantly disappointed by irrationality and unnecessary lies.

Never presenting evidence confirming or denying my frequently correct accusations, it seemed he could only follow my statements with the vague retort, "You presume."

Thus concludes the deceit and entertainment by a delightful actor assuming the roles of intelligence and maturity.

Freed of and by my horrible memories.

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Shan/Lord

May 12th, 2011 10:12:24 pm - Subscribe
Mood: helpless

I will do this for you, in every way that I know how. I will thumb through the beads and beg beneath the stars. I will recite the words programmed into the big brain that also prevents me from believing. I cried for you and your loss. Deep down I wish that Baby K is an angel, floating around the universe, watching down on me with the paradoxical combination of curiosity and infinite knowledge. Unfortunately, that belief would only increase the magnitude of my own loss. I wish you could see it the way I do. Your sentiment makes it difficult for me to sleep. Your sadness, though irrational, burns my eyes and leaves a dull, unrelenting pain in my stomach each night. Though my desperate pleas for your comfort are sincere, I am sadly aware that my words disappear into the nonexistence where your child's soul resides.

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Catnip Tea

May 9th, 2011 10:38:58 pm - Subscribe
Mood: alive

My papers are almost finished. The entire semester of panic was completely unnecessary.

I'm ready for a summer of new beginnings. A new location, new friends, new job, reading, writing, and probably a lot of opium and minecraft.

I've lost weight and intend to lose more.

I've let another potential love slip through my fingertips but I'm not unhappy.

Life is good.

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Car Tassels

May 2nd, 2011 8:05:37 pm - Subscribe
Mood: discarded

I never thought I'd say that I'm actually sick of people begging me for sex.

I saw two dandelions wrapped around each other like they were hugging. It pisses me off that even the plants can find love.

I want to become a better hipster but I refuse to purchase a romper. Perhaps I will start writing in comic sans for the sake of irony.

P.S. Shock the world.

It's time for something big.

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Ready for Abduction

Apr 29th, 2011 10:07:46 pm - Subscribe
Mood: Sore

Today I was a delight to fuck.

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Grape God

Apr 28th, 2011 9:07:19 pm - Subscribe
Mood: vain

I've exceeded my filth limit. The dishes and laundry are piled high enough to climb. The bathroom needs cleaned, the living room needs dusted and vacuumed. I need to start packing.

Instead of taking care of myself and the house, I spent two days in strange beds, stoned. I haven't showered, I refuse to eat. My cough isn't getting better. I put my nephew in the hospital. My deadbeat brother wants to see me but I need to sleep some more.

Somehow I managed to shave my legs.

I don't know why I need to be thin right now. It's so funny how the mind works.

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Muttsy

Apr 27th, 2011 11:17:43 pm - Subscribe
Mood: withdrawn

I fall for every guy who tells me a story about a stuffed animal.
They disappear shortly afterwords.
This one will blister.
He will be the last one.

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Blow Your Name in Smoke

Apr 20th, 2011 10:08:23 pm - Subscribe
Mood: faded

Tearing the dress down like falling on curtains.
Wish I could afford to feel this way forever.
Eating the girl beneath the Mondrian.
Wake me up in three months.
I am still waiting for this.
For something more.
It is not enough.
Chewing.
Claws.
Tears.
Bliss.
O.

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maybe in Legoland you're mine

Apr 17th, 2011 10:33:22 pm - Subscribe
Mood: catatonic

The cowboys stole my weekend and my strength.

He only comes by when she's mad.

Marvin, Xu, Crackers and the stoners kept me company while I summoned the fairy of forgetting.

Threw Daisy's bouncy though his gauges. I was tricked.

I don't want to get back together. I want things to be the way they were. I can't ride in the front seat. I wanted eleven tacos. I wanted presents and affection. But I will give it all up to avoid the snoring and repeated stories. How many men have really loved me? He couldn't have if he doesn't even have images in his dreams. Are his thought molecules capable of joining to form more than just my name? My mannerisms, my words, each come from the image that is me.

Waffle for dinner. Freezing.

This is an emphatic sentence.

Fourth emphatic sentence fragment.

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snacks

Apr 15th, 2011 11:21:33 pm - Subscribe
Mood: vibrant

I can't even begin to describe the orgasms this weed has created. It's best not to publish these thoughts but I'm conflicted. My eyeliner rips off slowly. I have no idea what happened, I know that this is what I wanted. My loneliness is altered. I want to. I want to. Need to. I want to cry.

I don't. I can localize my pulse with my thoughts.

Unbelievable intensity.

I want to press my face against something cold and ceramic.

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at last yo did make her tener mi cosa

Apr 13th, 2011 9:01:04 pm - Subscribe
Mood: gelatinous

I'm overwhelmed with the desire to dropkick everyone in that class. Throughout the entire hour I have to fight the urge to shove my tongue down the throat possessing the only voice of intelligence. Perhaps that dumb bitch had a point.

Gross generalizations frustrate the absolute hell out of me.

When the hell is Lucas coming home? I can't take this anymore.

I don't want to call her or blow another paycheck, searching for those few gleeful moments before remembering who I am and where I live.

Mom understands but at least she has anesthesia to keep her amused. My dad was dumb enough to buy her another SUV.

My breakfast pizza weighs more than your breakfast pizza.

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Stuff we can't tell our friends.

Apr 10th, 2011 6:31:02 pm - Subscribe
Mood: cheery

"It's so stupid, they hate each other but they can't seem to stop having sex."
*knowing look*
"We use protection!"

"It was nice of you to bring food over."
"It was nice of you to let me eat at your house and put your penis in me. You're a good friend"

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Best to Forget

Apr 5th, 2011 10:00:10 am - Subscribe
Mood: surreal

It was dark and we were in the middle of nowhere. We were both hurting from our former loves. I asked him why he dumped her and he told me that all of his friends told him that she cheated on him with me. I didn't know what to say, he appeared angry but he told me not to worry about it. We sat on a dusty bed in the abandoned house engaging in deeper conversation than I'd ever had with him. I began to sob over my past mistakes, compelling him to hold me. Before I knew what was going on, we were making out. He walked away to find condoms and I made a break for it. The sun was coming up, I was high and had no idea where they had taken me. He followed, telling me he knew of a better place to go but our time was limited. I ducked behind a bush and took off running into an arch of tree limbs. The limbs grew closer to the ground the farther I ran, forcing me to crawl on the ground. I kept thinking to myself that this encounter could only end in heartache. I had to get away before I fell deeper in love, allowing him that opportunity. I ran between tall fences so he would not see me but they blocked my destination so I climbed over them, falling and hurting myself more each time. Completely surrounded by unique trees accented with a hot pink sunrise, I could not stop for a second to embrace the beauty. Ben caught up with me by taking a shorter route. Still breathing heavily from the run, he lifted me up effortlessly and propped me against the fence. He leaned in to kiss me, our hearts racing against each other. At that moment I felt the most intense desire I had ever felt for anyone. He pulled away and set me back on the ground and announced that he had to leave. I sat on the ground crying, wanting to die, hating myself for allowing another person past my force field. I passed out from drugs and tears and waited for the rest of the group to find me, abandoned again by someone who should have meant nothing.

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Random Confidence

Apr 3rd, 2011 9:05:34 pm - Subscribe
Mood: abnormal

I just spent an hour looking at engagement rings. Not the synthetic diamonds for which I was once willing to settle. This time, I searched the monsters that would look ridiculous on my dainty hand. I'm tired of being sensible. Maybe it's spring fever but I'm ready to actually shoot for that guy who's out of my league. The professor, the one with the football scholarship, the one who's so good-looking he almost has to be gay.

Why the hell not?

I'm tired of spending my nights reading, writing, watching youtube videos and waiting to get a text from my lame friends, hoping someone will let me buy them ice cream. I'm a special girl and there is no reason I should be alone tonight.

Tomorrow, I make my move(s).

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Enough is Enough

Apr 1st, 2011 11:08:51 pm - Subscribe
Mood: helpless

Your tattoo didn't prevent him from beating me.
Your fliers didn't prevent him from raping me.

Fuck off Fort Hays.
Fuck off everyone who thinks they can make a difference by purchasing a goddamn ribbon.
Stop raising money for awareness. I didn't need the reminder.

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Legend of the Lost Jingles

Apr 1st, 2011 12:27:11 am - Subscribe
Mood: Chewy

My life has been brightening up a bit. Between the attention from the cute gay kid in my class and the magic dress from work, I've been pretty happy. I don't feel so alone all the time. Summer might be a little different. I won't have the kids in class laughing at my muttered comments or complimenting my clothes, boosting my self-esteem each day.

Ashy's miserable. I hate it because I know exactly what she's going through. I wish she'd just call so I can see how this whole breakup is working out for her. At the same time I'm afraid she'll just fall for me. She needs time with single, cheerful, straight girls. I hate it that I'm so glad it's over. Especially since she has no one else to turn to. Ben and I have been the only constants in her life. I'm not looking forward to her destruction.

I'm absolutely in love with Pandora but it's definitely pissing my internet off. Mostly because when I hear a song I like I have to download the whole damn album. I keep listening to a song by Mustard Plug over and over because it reminds me of stupid Chris. I keep fighting the urge to link the video to Ashy. I figure at this point in the breakup it would only hurt more.

I'm glad 12 people Like my pornographic memory.

Back to my dreams of Dr. Tostenson.

Get out of here, Nick.

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Universe Covers Everything

Mar 25th, 2011 8:42:24 pm - Subscribe
Mood: stuck

Didn't even bother shaving. I'd rather just talk to myself anyway.

Cabin fever causes me to over analyze every bit of contact he throws at me. Liked my status, must mean he wants to date me.

Xu hasn't been wobbly enough for me lately. Brax is really far away. I should have tucked him into my coat when I had the chance. Then we could be laughing and throwing things right now. I have a feeling he's not going to think I'm so awesome in a few years.

Why the fuck is a decent radio transmitter so difficult to find? Returning bitch number two tomorrow.

What to do about Eric.

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Spring Break

Mar 24th, 2011 6:15:27 pm - Subscribe
Mood: hopeless

Welcome back, Thunder. I've missed you all winter.

I want to get laid tonight. I should have thought about that a few hours ago. I always forget how much planning and effort goes into convincing someone to sleep with me.

Shower, shave, plaster face in whorey makeup, spend hour setting every strand of hair in place, purchase necessities, decide on a location, find ugly girls to surround me and depart when my goal is met, consume just enough alcohol to forget but not so much that I'm a complete mess.

So far, I've been in my living room all afternoon, only leaving the couch to smoke and dance to ska.

So not getting any tonight.

Maybe Keli will force me to go out.

Ugh. I need to get a credit card for the few times I actually have to purchase the music I want to listen to. *frownyface*

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Sweater Boy

Mar 19th, 2011 12:34:18 am - Subscribe
Mood: wishful

I want nothing more than to be high right now. Tripping, floating, I don't care. I want to lay here and stare at the ceiling, thinking of everything and nothing at the same time. Granting the fortitude to travel in and out of consciousness and to dream a life outside of my physical self. I want the awe and beauty of inebriation. To be alone but not lonesome. I want to ride out the rest of my evening in a state of absolute contentment and mirth. I want to create something splendid tonight.

I'm tired of feeling so cold. If I could be invisible I would curl up next to Spurlock and steal the warmth of his furry beard. I've grown quite confused by his behavior lately.

I'll spare myself the trouble of waking up afraid and confused. Even if it means giving up each comfort I long for tonight.

You're welcome, Morning Rachel.

Now it's time to go write something worthwhile and drift into a normal, uneventful slumber.

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Wanton Harlot

Mar 18th, 2011 10:40:52 am - Subscribe
Mood: jolly

My subtle pleas no longer left unanswered.

Perhaps it's the blonde hair. Or maybe the look in my eyes revealing that I've finally dumped my baggage in the ditch on the way to class.

My room needs cleaning. My wardrobe needs a minor update. My hair needs more purple.

So relieved that I have a chance to rock out and engage in much needed napping for an entire week. I don't think I'll work as much as planned.

It's all over for now. I'll keep the panic to a minimum.

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Bryce and Ice

Mar 17th, 2011 1:19:06 am - Subscribe

This isn't out of hate or anger.
This is nothing cinematic.
Nothing saddens me more than finally accepting the truth and saying goodbye to my best friend.
I just wish at one point he cared enough for honesty.
But silly me.
I was dumb enough to listen to his words while ignoring his actions.

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Tofu Pie

Mar 12th, 2011 2:42:44 pm - Subscribe
Mood: toxic

Wake up alone. In my own bed, clean, sober, rested. No pain. No pink hand prints. No bite marks. Next to Xumonster. Next to New Walter. Find enough money in my wallet for breakfast. Go into a long day of work, leave with enough money to buy some fast food and a big soda for a late lunch. Arrive to an empty home. Free of strangers, free of fake laughter, free of dogs. Shower. Clean again. Beautiful again. Lost five pounds. Popsicle. Snuggles with Xu. Filth on TV. No six hour nap. Productivity.

My fantasies have gotten much simpler with age.

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Leoplurodon

Feb 24th, 2011 12:37:07 pm - Subscribe
Mood: cheery

I realize my posts have been really depressing for like, a year. So today I'm going to write about the happy things in my life.

Xu woke me up today by walking all over me, meowing. When I opened my eyes he was sitting on the table in front of me, inches from my face, staring. He's quite creepy at times but I love him.

It's kind of pretty out. Sleet, ice, clouds. I hate driving in this weather but I enjoy the calm spookiness of it. I don't have any cigarettes or money so I've been enjoying clove cigars. They remind me of my slutty days, the dorms, Bryce, Chelsea, Meat Day, and pretty much every perception I possess of beauty.

My second class was canceled. I'm neither happy nor upset about this. It's a decent class where we basically just hang out and write. I enjoy it but it gets rather mundane.

My plans for tonight: finish up on homework. Hopefully someone wants to hang out. Even if it's just Lucas and Megan. Otherwise I might just waste another night on chatroulette.

This is my life. It's boring but I'm sure you were getting tired of reading about breakups and drug withdrawal.

I'm content.

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Haiku Time

Feb 16th, 2011 8:40:24 pm - Subscribe

You, imbrued with lust
violating my being
Why again? Why you?

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Isolation

Feb 7th, 2011 4:09:17 pm - Subscribe

I'm tired of feeling stranded.

Lack of funding cements me to Kansas. My progress in college has plateaued. I feel like I'm stuck in time. Taking the same classes over and over again, never any closer to graduation. Making the same mistakes. Experimenting with addictions and mental states just to amuse myself.

Life is happening for the people I grew up with. I miss people who never give me a second thought.

I don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to be me anymore.

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Updates

Jan 31st, 2011 7:20:43 pm - Subscribe
Mood: cuddly

I finally went to that english class after a week of skipping it due to nerves. It went surprisingly well and I hope that's enough to keep me on the right track. Maybe instead of being afraid of that guy in class, I should attempt to impress him.

Or I could recognize that I have less than nothing to offer and continue getting fucked up and sleeping with losers to pass time.

I thought I was getting used to the whole not sleeping thing but I passed out around one and woke up at 6:30. My afternoon no longer exists and I hope that I can sleep tonight.

Josh's party was amazing aside from the fact that he drank too damn much and turned into the drama queen that he is. I don't know what all I drank or smoked but I'm not jonsing right now so I don't consider that night a relapse of any sort.

Scott Eschbaugh knew I was related to Eric when he heard my laugh. We talked about him for quite some time. I have no idea what a 30 year old is doing hanging out with a bunch of kids but asking might have been rude. I guess it's not too big of an age difference. Everyone has kids these days. I wonder if my parents ever had to hire a sitter to go get plastered.

Ben gave me Ashlinn's number for an hour. I'm pretty sure it was just a series of ones. This was before he passed out and puked all over himself.

Finally Frank.

I'm feeling surprisingly well despite the freezing weather. I'm ready to move somewhere warm for a while. I wish I had a really good job where I could move south for the winter.

I wish I didn't smoke. I enjoy listening to the wind. Smoking ruins it.

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